Chapter 6: Baptism by Water
"The bible tells us of miracles and are not miracles the manifestation of strange and unusual powers?"
Kurt didn't perform the next night or the night after that. Instead he went into hiding. He stayed in his bunk, only climbing down out of the shadows when everyone had left the van for the day. Then he scavenged in their food box for breakfast, put on his hooded overcoat and walked back to the church to talk to Father Dietrich.
He liked Father Dietrich. He liked his stories and the way he talked. It made him wonder if he spent all day in a church if he wouldn't talk the same way. Father Dietrich told him all the stories that the colored windows showed and even let him bang on the keys of the organ once. It was fantastic and when Father Dietrich showed him how the noise came from a giant room full of pipes it was even more so.
Since no one bothered him about not performing, he didn't tell anyone that as interesting as his days were, he was starting to miss it. It was strange watching Lars playing his part. He was very good, but Lars didn't look like him or move like he did. Lars didn't have a tail.
Kurt finally understood why whenever he performed he had to play some kind of magical character. He looked like those demon pictures, but he wasn't one. But while performing, he could act like one. Kurt was starting to realize that looking bad and being bad were two different things. And that meant that while Lars could act like him acting like a demon, Kurt could actually be one, even if it was only for an hour or two each night.
The next day Sven found Kurt sitting on the bottom row of the bleachers dressed and ready for practice. He sat down next to him.
"I heard what happened." Sven said.
Kurt put his chin on his knees and stared straight ahead, saying nothing.
"We could change the show." Sven said. "Make your part different."
Kurt shook his head. "No. I can play it better now." He said.
Sven laughed and mussed up Kurt's hair. "Spoken like a true performer." He stood up. "So, are you going to practice or just sit there?"
Kurt jumped to attention. "Practice!" He shouted before racing up the rope to join Lars and the others on the platform.
Margali was surprised to find their trailer empty since Kurt had been hiding in there on and off for the last few days. Actually, she had no idea what Kurt was doing, only what he wasn't. She knew he was not rehearsing or performing. She also knew he wasn't spending the whole day inside the van since she occasionally noticed that both he and his coat were missing at the same time. She assumed he was sleeping and eating though she had to admit she hadn't seen it happening. Margali shrugged and sat down. Appearances aside, there was nothing "normal" about Kurt. He did things his own way.
There was a knock on the door. It was rare anyone actually knocked in the circus. If the door was closed, it meant you didn't want to be disturbed; if it was open, then it was as good as an invitation. She had left the sliding lorry door open.
"Yes." Margali said, trying to crane around and see who was at the door.
"Can I come in?" It was a man's voice. Margali stood up. Father Dietrich was at the door.
"Oh," she said, slightly surprised, "Yes." She pulled the door the rest of the way open. Father Dietrich stepped in and looked around, smiling. Margali was starting to wonder if he ever frowned.
"Truly amazing." He said, taking in their bunks, the tapestries she'd hung to cover the ugly metal walls, the table she'd bolted to the floor. "It's like something from a storybook."
"Except that it's real." Margali said, not sure how to take his comment.
"I mean it's wonderful. To live like this, where the family is important rather than television or the latest gadget. I can see where Kurt gets his…"
"Kurt?" Margali interrupted.
"Well, he's been coming to visit me. Everyday. I assumed you knew."
Margali put her hand to her forehead and then sat down at the table. "I'm sorry." She said. "I'll tell him to stop." Where did Kurt get his tenaciousness she wondered, had she been this intense at eight?
Father Dietrich sat down across from her and took her hand. "You misunderstand me. I don't mind. Actually, I come with a request, on Kurt's behalf. Tea?"
The father's last question broke Margali from her reverie. What was going on? Three days ago she'd found her eldest son calling her youngest a demon. Then they went to church and instead of being chased out, were welcomed. Suddenly Kurt was asking priests to do favors for him? And now she was being asked to make tea? She stood up, slightly unsettled. "What kind do you want?" She asked.
Father Dietrich laughed. "Actually, I was offering to make tea for you. You have quite a collection." He said, gesturing at the small pile of tins sitting on their makeshift cupboard. He stood up and gently put a hand on Margali's shoulder, lowering her back to her seat. He spent a moment looking for matches, and then, upon finding them lit the small kerosene stove and placed the kettle on top.
"The cups are below." Margali said, pointing. Father Dietrich made a small "ah" as he found them and selected two. He looked at the rows of tins for a moment.
"I'm afraid I'm at a loss." He said, "I'm more of a coffee drinker."
Margali leaned over and pulled a yellow tin of fine Indian tea from the middle of the stack. "This is my favorite for drinking." She said.
"Drinking?"
Margali shrugged. "I work as a fortune teller. Most of them are for the leaves." She said.
The priest gave a look of instant understanding. The kettle was whistling so he pulled it off the stove and poured water into the cups that Margali had spooned tea into and sat down. Margali stared into her swirling tealeaves as she watched the water darken. Strange that she had spent so many hours telling others the direction their lives would take by looking into those waters and yet her own family's remained a mystery.
"Kurt wants to be baptized."
Margali looked up, "He…" But she didn't finish the sentence.
Father Dietrich continued, "If I was a better Catholic I suppose I would have granted his request without question; another opportunity to save a soul from eternal damnation." He laughed. "However, since he is your child I felt I should come to you first."
Margali wasn't sure how to answer. She could have asked why or perhaps even how. Instead, for the second time that week Margali found herself recounting the day when, a little over eight years ago she had saved Kurt from that burning house. This time, she included the one detail she had left out of Kurt's version, the final encounter with the priest who had been orchestrating the murder.
Father Dietrich's eyes were downcast when she finished and for the first time Margali was aware that, no, he did not always smile. He shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry that happened." He said with a deep sigh, "There are those who say that these people being born with mutations are abominations, that they go against God. I don't understand it. The bible tells us of miracles and are not miracles the manifestation of strange and unusual powers? I don't understand how Kurt's abilities can be seen as anything but God's work. And his appearance, is it not the most important message of all? Not to judge with your eyes, but with your heart and your faith." Father Dietrich paused, staring into the swirling remains of his tea. "But I understand why you would say no."
"I'm not saying no." Margali said. "I don't know why I told you that story. Maybe I just wanted you to understand."
Father Dietrich slid his cup across the table. "What do you see?" he asked.
Margali smiled. "As every good fortune teller knows, our destinies can't be determined by a cup of tea. Kurt was having a very bad day, he met you and you were kind to him. It doesn't surprise me that he would want to do what you ask."
"But I didn't ask. I never even mentioned the possibility. He came to me." Father Dietrich said.
The tealeaves in Father Dietrich's cup were settling to the bottom. Margali watched them in silence. "How would you do it?" She asked.
"Normally baptisms are performed during mass, but for obvious reasons I think for Kurt's sake, it should be more private." Father Dietrich said. "I thought perhaps after mass on Sunday."
"If it doesn't interfere with the performance schedule." Margali said. Planning Kurt's baptism was the last thing in the world she ever thought she would be doing. In fact if a day earlier her tealeaves had foretold such an event, she would have given up fortunetelling as a true and utter scam. And yet, her she was.
It was to be their last performance before moving on. Normally, on weekends when they played twice a day, the hours between shows were spent resting. Circus performance was in many ways more grueling than any other form of theater. For the audience to be properly amazed, they tested the limits of their strength and abilities anew every time.
However, after their Sunday afternoon show, everybody changed from their costumes into their nicest clothes and followed the path out of their camp to the church that had overlooked their home for the last week and a half.
Father Dietrich had arranged everything. He wanted to the church empty so he made sure to clear the place out after mass that morning. He could still smell the incense in the air. He decided to perform a second, shorter mass so that any Catholics in the circus could take communion and confess if they wanted. It was a lot of work, but he liked Kurt and during their long talks he imagined that the boy was exactly what a Christian should be. He was generous and kind, and because of his upbringing, completely naïve to so many of society's worse aspects. He would learn about them someday no doubt, but in the meantime Father Dietrich would show him how to show his love to God in the hopes that when that day came, God would stand watch over Kurt. It seemed farfetched, but it was what Father Dietrich believed.
The service was short and afterwards they gathered on the rectory lawn for a light lunch prepared by the church's woman's guild. Out in the bright sunshine it was hard to imagine that in less than an hour they would have to change back into their costumes and perform again. Kurt, who normally liked to be in the middle of the action sat slightly apart, perched on the lowest branch of a tree. It didn't seem right to go jumping around making jokes when you'd just been baptized.
He looked down and saw Stephani standing below. Kurt slid over on the branch and put a hand down to help Stephani climb up. Stephani sat on the branch with his back against the tree trunk. The two of them said nothing for several minutes.
"Father Dietrich is nice." Stephani said at last, more to fill up the silence than anything else. He and Kurt hadn't spoken since that day in the trailer.
"He is." Kurt agreed.
There was more silence. Stephani pulled at a few leaves, shredding them in his hands. "Did you do this because of me? Getting Baptized I mean." Stephani asked.
Kurt shook his head. "I did it because I wanted to." He said. "It just seemed like the right thing to do."
"I thought maybe it was because…" Stephani paused while he brushed the leaf bits out of his hands. "I thought it was maybe because of what I told you."
"In a way it was. Mom told me all the stuff that happened when she found me and it made me think about how lucky I was."
"Lucky?" Stephani asked. "How is that lucky?"
"Well, if the circus hadn't driven by my house, I wouldn't be alive. So maybe God wanted me here. And maybe, it was a circus and not something else because then I could be an acrobat. That means that God wanted me to look like this, because it makes me a really good acrobat." Kurt shrugged. "I just thought I should thank Him, that's all."
Stephani laughed. "I hadn't thought of it that way."
"Neither had I. But it kind of makes sense doesn't it." Kurt said, gesturing at himself.
"That's what you've been doing all week, thinking about why God made you look like you do?"
"Pretty much." Kurt said. "So I guess I should thank you too."
"Why? I was horrible to you." Stephani felt his face flush remembering the things he said to his brother.
"Yeah, but I did wonder sometimes why I looked different. Why I was the only one with a tail. Now I know and it's because of you that I found out."
"I used to wish I looked like you." Stephani said suddenly.
Kurt looked surprised. "Really? Why?"
"Because everyone liked you and you could do all these things that no one else could do. I felt like I didn't fit in and you did so perfectly. It must seem silly to you, especially now."
Kurt shook his head. "No. I always liked the way I looked too."
Stephani wasn't sure whether to laugh or start crying. The whole week he'd dreaded this moment. He'd expected Kurt to be angry with him, to scream at him. But instead they were having this quiet conversation on a tree branch. It wasn't what he expected at all. "I'm really sorry Kurt." He said at last.
"It's okay, I've already forgiven you." Kurt said.
"You have?" Stephani asked.
"Well, you've always been a really good brother. So, when I thought about that, it didn't seem right that I should be angry with you over just one thing. Do you really think you don't fit in?"
Stephani sighed. "Yeah. There doesn't seem to be anything I'm really good at, anything I really want to do."
Kurt nodded in empathy.
"That's why I was so mean to you." Stephani admitted. "I thought maybe I could make you run away so mom would notice me and do what I wanted."
Kurt furrowed his brow. "What do you think you would be good at?" He asked.
Stephani shrugged. "I want to go to a real school." He said. "I just want to learn stuff that's all. Things I can't learn here."
"But that would mean you'd have to leave wouldn't it?"
"Yeah. But I would come back during the summer." Stephani said.
"I'd miss you. But I don't think you should stay here if you don't think it's right for you. Maybe you could tell me all the things you learned at school when you come back." Kurt said, brightening at the idea.
"If mom lets me go. She's mad at me because of what happened."
It looked like everybody was getting up to leave. It was time to get ready for their evening performance. Kurt stood up, balancing on the branch without a waver. "We should go." He said. "I'll make sure mom lets you go to school."
Kurt let Stephani hold onto his tail for balance while he climbed down and then swung down from the branch himself. Together they started down the hill to where the tent and that night's performance waited. They had been the last to leave so they jogged most of the way until they caught up.
Father Dietrich watched them go, amazed by the conversation he'd just overheard. He hadn't meant to eavesdrop; his intention had been to give Kurt a gift. It didn't matter though. He had planned to see them off in the morning anyway. It had certainly been an interesting week. There was one thing he was sure of though and that was that baptizing the boy who looked like a demon was the right thing to do; it secured Kurt's place in heaven with the angels where he truly belonged.
Kurt didn't want to leave the next morning. The roustabouts had struck most of the main tent overnight and now were packing the loose odds and ends into the last truck. He sat in the doorway of their van, listlessly watching them. It was the first time Kurt ever wished they weren't always moving around. He'd never had a friend who didn't already travel with them. He'd never known the pain of leaving someone behind until today.
He was considering running back to the church one last time just to say goodbye and to thank Father Dietrich for yesterday when he saw a familiar figure walking towards him. Kurt jumped up and waved.
"Father Dietrich!" They met on the path and walked back to Margali's trailer. "I was going to come up and say goodbye." Kurt said returning to his seat in the truck's door.
Father Dietrich smiled and sat down next to him. "Well, I came down instead. I wanted to give you something." He handed Kurt a small plain box. "These are for you." He said.
Kurt slowly opened the box and gasped. He lifted out the bible and rosary that were inside.
"Your mother said you could read German." Father Dietrich said. Kurt nodded affirmatively. "And this rosary belonged to my grandmother. It was my gift to her when her hands became too weak to hold her old one. Now she's gone so I wanted you to have it. The beads are large, I thought it would be easier for you because of your…" Father Dietrich paused, slightly shocked that after the events of this week it made him uncomfortable to talk about Kurt's hands.
"Because of my fingers." Kurt finished. "It's perfect. I'll carry it always." He said. He slipped it into his pocket as though he couldn't wait to begin.
"Inside the bible is my address." Father Dietrich said. "You can write me whenever you like."
Kurt opened it and looked at the inside cover. Written in neat script it read, "Never forget that your uniqueness is God's gift to you. However you chose to use it is how you will love and serve Him best. – Your friend, Hans Dietrich" Below it was the church's address.
"Saying 'thank you' doesn't seem like enough." Kurt said.
"It's plenty." Father Dietrich said. "Use them well." He stood up. "It looks like it's time for you to go."
Kurt looked around the bare earth where their tent had equipment had stood and nodded. He was still watching Father Dietrich's retreating silhouette when Margali got in the truck and started it. Stephani and Amanda joined them and took up their usual positions on the floor cushions, preparing for the drive ahead. Kurt sat down next to them and thumbed through the pages on his new bible, already looking forward to next summer when they would come back again.
