Chapter 42: Runaways

I just don't understand it. A blue circus acrobat gets attacked in broad daylight and nobody saw it? Even New York wasn't that bad.

Wolfgang wasn't sure what pulled the circus together in the days following, but somehow they did it. He arranged with Terry for Circus Gehlhaar to keep its practice times so that they could begin to prepare a show without Kurt. Though there was talk of having him continue to perform in a less active version of his part in the end it was decided that it would be better for Kurt if he stayed on the sidelines until his arm healed. Dr. Mallory still couldn't say why Kurt had suddenly started breathing again and he didn't really want to take chances. When Wolfgang told him, he couldn't tell whether Kurt was pleased or not.

Despite the different origins and backgrounds, the various circuses at the festival had been horrified by what had happened. Many of them had helped look for Kurt that night and so he had a fairly steady stream of visitors. So many that Father Dietrich, who had adopted the role of Kurt's primary care taker, threatened to post visiting hours. Oddly enough it was Christian who spent the most time with them and shared the responsibility. Not that Kurt needed much help with anything. Other than the cast on his arm and the fading bruises on his face, he appeared fine even if he still couldn't remember the details of what happened.

"Dude, you should always travel with us." Christian said to Father Dietrich one afternoon while the three of them sat in the shade outside of Margali's trailer. Christian was hunched over his small chess set. "Everyone else sucks at chess. I haven't played a good game of chess like this since I left Berlin."

"Thanks, but I don't know if my act really fits in." Father Dietrich said. He watched Christian slide a pawn forward, still balancing his finger upon it while he decided if he liked the move or not.

"Isn't it kind of disrespectful to call a priest 'dude'?" Kurt asked.

"Probably, but I don't care." Father Dietrich said. "I've been called worse."

Christian lifted his finger off the pawn. "That would be checkmate then." He said, adding a "dude" at the end with a grin.

"What? With a pawn?" Father Dietrich surveyed the board. "My God you're right." He said after a moment's inspection. "I didn't see that coming at all. I've been worried about your knight the whole time."

Christian laughed. "I know! That's why it's there. I love doing that. Pawns are your friends." He started setting up the board again. "Do you want to play?" He asked Kurt.

Kurt shook his head. Christian had already beaten him twice that day. He'd also lost against Father Dietrich once. He liked chess and could play fairly well against an average player like Wolfgang or Lars, but he couldn't hold his own against either of these two. They were far better players.

The door to the trailer opened and Amanda stepped out.

"Hi." Kurt said, looking up at her and shading his eyes.

Amanda glanced in his direction long enough to let him see she'd heard him and then looked away. "Hi Father. Christian." She said addressing each of them in turn.

"Where are you off to?" Christian asked.

"I'm meeting Brin." She said. "We're going shopping. Need anything?"

"What kind of shopping?" Christian asked with interest.

"There's all those cute little shops just in town. Since we don't have rehearsal until later, we thought we'd look around. Want to come?" She asked.

"Actually, yeah." Said Christian. He stood up. "We're done playing right?" He said to Father Dietrich.

"I think I can say I've lost enough today." Father Dietrich said.

"Cool. Kurt you want to…" Christian stopped speaking; looking back and forth from Kurt to Amanda, realizing that there was no way Kurt could have joined them, that even in best of circumstances it would have been a stupid question. "To… to hook up later?" He asked. He wondered if his attempt to keep his foot out of his mouth was too obvious. As always, Kurt was a gentleman.

"Sure." He said. "After rehearsal maybe."

"I'll see you guys later then." Christian said. He trotted after Amanda who had already started walking away.

"I think they're dating." Kurt said to Father Dietrich after they were out of sight.

"You do?"

"I don't know. Maybe. They tease each other all the time but they're always hanging out. There must be a reason she sticks around for all the abuse." Kurt said, trying to keep the edge of bitterness out of his voice.

"I imagine that would be difficult here. It's hard enough for people to make it work without all the moving around and instability." Father Dietrich said.

"Yeah." Kurt said. He spent a few minutes contemplating the chessboard that Christian had left behind. "Amanda still won't talk to me." He said.

"I know." Said Father Dietrich.

"And mom is acting all weird too. I keep asking them what's wrong and they won't tell me. I wish we'd never come here." Kurt said. "Not just because of what happened on the pier, even the boat ride was horrible."

Margali had told Father Dietrich about the ferry ride across the channel. Apparently about halfway through Amanda had gone to get something from their trailer and found Kurt lying on the floor so seasick he couldn't even stand up. "Lots of people get seasick on boats Kurt." He said.

"But I couldn't do anything about it. I had to wait until Amanda found me. She said I would feel better outside but mom wouldn't let me go. It was horrible. It's not fair." Kurt continued.

"I know it isn't." Father Dietrich said.

"I hate it here, but I don't want to have to do that all over again." Kurt said, still looking down at the board and pushing at the chessmen with his finger as he spoke.

"You won't have to." Father Dietrich promised.

Kurt looked up. "How?" He asked.

"I don't know. We'll figure something out. I promise you."

Kurt sighed and stared off into the distance, back in the direction that Amanda and Christian had gone. He wondered what was happening to him. Not long ago he had been so positive that God existed, that He loved him, that He had a plan for him. But lately Kurt's faith had been clouded by feelings of doubt. It just seemed that the older he got the clearer the limitations his appearance placed on him became. Lars, Christian, Wolfgang, Amanda, everyone he knew could go anywhere they wanted, freely, openly, without worry. It was something he could never do for if he couldn't be himself in a place like this, how could he possibly be anywhere else.

How could God create something like him and then place him defenseless in a hostile world? What sort of loving God would do such a thing?

Kurt flinched when Father Dietrich put a hand on his shoulder.

"What happened was very scary Kurt, for you and for everyone who cares about you. People deal with fear in different ways. You of all people should understand that."

Kurt frowned. He did understand that. It had been a lesson he had slowly been learning his whole life.

"It's like they're angry at me though. I wouldn't be angry at them if they almost died." Kurt said.

"I know it doesn't seem rational Kurt, but sometimes our feelings aren't. They care about you and so the idea of loosing you is very hard, so they're angry now, angry that they had to face that loss. That will fade in time." Father Dietrich said. It was the only explanation he could think off and it didn't make sense even to him, but it was the best he could do. He hoped to talk to one or both of them later, to find out the cause behind their actions.

Kurt stood up. "I'm going inside." He announced.

"Are you all right?" Father Dietrich asked.

"I'm fine. I just want to be where there aren't any people." Kurt said.

Father Dietrich had been about ask if he wanted company, but he took Kurt's hint and stayed silent. He watched Kurt close the door to the trailer and frowned. He had done the right thing in coming here and yet there were so many things he didn't understand. Rifts were forming where they shouldn't have and he still wasn't even sure what he had seen. Margali had appeared to raise Kurt from the dead. But how was that possible?

Then again it didn't matter. Kurt was alive; however it had happened was beyond his control. And yet it seemed that his family was determined to hold him responsible for it. Maybe they just needed some time, it had to be difficult living in such a close-knit community. For all the benefits he saw, perhaps now he was seeing some of the drawbacks. Either way, this was hardly an environment where Kurt could concentrate on healing from his wounds.

Father Dietrich put his chin in his hand, thinking. Maybe it was time for Kurt to run away from the circus, even if for just a little while.

It wasn't until the next day that Father Dietrich found Wolfgang. He looked harried, sitting in the office with its tapestries and posters still lying in shreds on the floor. He had the circus' date book in front of him and had just hung up the phone.

"Sorry." He said. "This is a rescheduling nightmare. Everything is going to get pushed out a week, some venues have cancelled, other's are swapping dates; it's insane." Wolfgang took a breath. "But, what can I do for you."

"What's the problem?" Father Dietrich asked.

"The contract." Wolfgang said with a sigh. "Technically, without Kurt it's a different show and they way our contracts read, a venue can claim we're in violation if they want to. It's a big pain. Makes me wish we had a lawyer."

"Surely they understand that what happened is beyond the circus' control." Father Dietrich.

Wolfgang made a face. "Sort of. They keep bringing up understudies. It's a little hard to explain that there isn't anyone on the planet who can understudy Kurt. Plus I've been in touch with the police and that's a dead end."

"What do you mean?" Father Dietrich asked.

Wolfgang heaved a great sigh. "We're looking for witnesses. We still don't know what happened to Kurt." He shook his head. "I just don't understand it. A blue circus acrobat gets attacked in broad daylight and nobody saw it? Even New York wasn't that bad. So, what did you want to talk about?"

"Kurt, actually." Father Dietrich said.

"Oh, yeah?"

"What were you planning to have him do while his arm heals?"

Wolfgang shrugged. "Do? I didn't think he'd be doing anything."

"What I mean is, the plan is just to have him ride along with the circus right?" Father Dietrich said.

"Yeah. I don't think he'll want to stay here." Wolfgang said.

"What if instead, I took him back to Hamburg with me? He could stay at the rectory with me until you get back to Europe. I thought maybe he could use a break." Father Dietrich said.

"Really? You would do that? Is that allowed?" Wolfgang asked.

"Allowed? Of course it's allowed."

"What did Margali say?"

"She said it was up to Kurt. I just thought I should check with you before I asked him." Father Dietrich said.

Wolfgang scratched his head. "I guess. What about seeing a doctor and all that?"

Father Dietrich shrugged. "I am the chaplain at three different hospitals. I do know some doctors." He said.

"Yeah, but with Kurt…"

"I'm aware of the risks," the Father interrupted.

Wolfgang nodded his head. "Okay. Yeah. When would you leave?" He asked.

"In a few days. When the circus leaves Brighton, I thought we would take the ferry to France and take the train the rest of the way." Father Dietrich said.

"Or, you could come with me." Wolfgang said, his face brightening. "I was planning on just renting a car and driving through. I could drop you off on the way."

Father Dietrich looked confused. "On the way to where?" He asked.

"Salzburg, of course." Wolfgang said.

Father Dietrich was still confused. He thought the circus was planning to stay in Britain for the next two months. "What's in Salzburg?" He asked.

Wolfgang had begun to look irritated. "My home." He said as though it was the most obvious answer in the world. "I'm going home. I can't do this anymore. I'm terrible at it."

Father Dietrich was floored. "You're quitting?" He asked in disbelief.

"I don't know if I'd call it that." Wolfgang said.

"What would you call it?" Father Dietrich cried. "Wolfgang, you can't just leave. You have a responsibility to these people. This is your job. You can't just walk away from it just because something difficult happened."

"It's not just this one thing." Wolfgang said with a sigh. "I'm not cut out for this. I thought I was, but that's just it. I'm going to get things set and then turn it all back over to Margali, you know. It just feels like a job to me now."

Father Dietrich slapped his palm against his forehead. "That's because it is a job. Even jobs you love still feel like jobs. What were you expecting? That it would be just you and Kurt driving around goofing off for the rest of your life? You told me once you wanted to put this circus on the map. Well, you did that. Didn't you realize things would change?"

"I…" But Wolfgang faltered. Was Father Dietrich actually yelling at him? "You don't understand." He said at last, "It's worse than a job; it's just too hard."

If anything, Father Dietrich's expression of disbelief became even more pronounced.

"I thought Kurt was dead okay?" Wolfgang shouted. "The way he looked in that ditch; I thought I'd killed him. I can't go through that again. No one should be expected to have to deal with something like that."

"My God, you're serious aren't you?" Father Dietrich said. "Did you honestly think that you could go though life without anything bad happening ever? That everything would always be perfect?"

Wolfgang was silent. He'd expected Father Dietrich to understand, to be supportive even. He hadn't expected this. Suddenly he was ten years old again, his own father's disapproval reflected in the priest's eyes.

"And more to the point," Father Dietrich said, "Since when is what happened to Kurt your fault? Why is it that you insist on trying to control everything? And then why do you take the blame for the things you can't?"

"What are you talking about? It's not about control." Wolfgang said. "I came to Circus Gehlhaar because my family was trying to put me in charge of one of their companies. I didn't want that kind of responsibility."

Father Dietrich slammed his fists down on Wolfgang's desk making the younger man jump. "So instead you took responsibility for the lives of several dozen people and their families? Wolfgang, that doesn't make any sense at all. Because if that's the case then why are you trying to leave?"

"I told you why. This is too hard, what happened to Kurt, trying to fix it so the circus can keep playing, all of it. I can't do it." Wolfgang said. "I thought you would understand. I thought maybe you would even help me."

"No. I won't. Life is hard Wolfgang." He said. "Do you think it was easy giving Kurt last rites? Do you think something like that is ever easy?"

"No."

"You're right, it's not. But I would do it again if I had to." Father Dietrich said.

Wolfgang shrank back into his chair. "Father, I really don't think you understand. I have to leave. I can't stay."

Father Dietrich frowned. "I can't stop you." He said, his voice calm. "But I will tell you one thing; if you chose to return to Europe, you will do so alone."

"But, I…"

"No." Father Dietrich said, without waiting to hear what Wolfgang had to say, "You'll not be traveling with us. That's final." He opened the door and turned to leave.

"I've made my decision." Wolfgang said.

Father Dietrich paused in the open doorway. "Maybe you should think about unmaking it." He said. He let the door slam shut behind him.