No characters belong to me, yada, yada.
Sherlock Holmes: Now, try not to panic madam. When was the last time you saw the missing author?
Roi: It was about one day ago, sir. He seemed very agitated.
Dr. Watson: What do you make of it, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: Now, let's review the facts. Slywolf has had a history of bad luck. Therefore, we can deduce through simple logic that something has happened to him. Now, the scorch marks suggest arson, but the Slywolf-shaped hole in the roof suggests that he was pulled upwards by an extreme motive force, to whit, a tractor beam.
Dr. Watson: Remarkable. Aliens coming from nowhere, and kidnapping an author?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, Watson. All facts point that way. But we must be sure. Madam, does Slywolf have any enemies?
Roi: Well, the Martians hate him. Keller hates him, Link and Zelda hate him, the cast of The Wind Waker hates him, I hate him, Alfonz and Rose hate him, Yoda hates him, and that's just scratching the surface. Not to mention the Venusians, the cast of Super Mario Sunshine, and…
Sherlock Holmes: Perhaps it would be easier to ask who doesn't hate him?
Roi: Mistral2003, Laura K.H., some of the other reviewers and authors, Ganondorf and Mewtwo, Captain Falcon and Samus Aran. Oh, and the Jovians.
Dr. Watson: Why not the Jovians?
Roi: They've never met him.
Dr. Watson: Ah.
Sherlock Holmes: Hmm. Well, just get about your business. Watson and I will be investigating. Come, Watson! The game is afoot!
Roi: Odd people. Still, I have work to do. Now, Slywolf had an author's note prepared. I'll just read it. "Now, this author's note will be in two parts. Firstly, I thank all my loyal fans for waiting so long, and keepin' the faith! Secondly, I have recently learned of a horrific conspiracy involving Yoda, the Purple People Eaters of the planet Hippocrus 9, and former president Heavy scorching. This awful, world shattering thing is so sensitive that all I can say is this. Keep away from all Unidentifiable due to scorching between the 20th of Scorched beyond recognition and the 14th of Ditto. Under no circumstances be near a caeither a T, or an R on those dates, either. And remember to buy scoured hats to protect against Several more lines of scorched paper. This is Slywolf, signin… Gah! Help! Whoever reads this, they've come for me!" Odd. Well, anyway, I'm sure Holmes and Watson will have Slywolf back in time for the author's note next chapter.
When Roi was ushered into the presence of her father's emissary, she expected many things; Pity, attraction, revulsion. Not openmouthed joy. Nor was she expecting the presence of Prince Harding of Bern. "What's he doing here?"
"Ah, yes. In the interests of increasing ties between our two nations, you will be marrying Harding as soon as possible." He leaned forward and whispered into Roi's ear, "I don't like it anymore than you do, but it is politically expedient. And this might sound terrible, but I'm glad you're a girl. I was worried about what the prince would do to me if you weren't."
"What? But…" Roi wanted to shout 'You idiot! He's from Bern! The king of Bern hates me!' But she didn't. Instead, she said, "I'm busy here, sorry."
The prince leaned towards her. "Ah, but why? Such a lovely flower as you should not be troubled with such silly trifles as this."
"Hmm. Well, why don't the three of us go… um… why don't I show you around?"
"I would be honored, Roi."
* * *
Roi was a tad worried. Prince Harding was standing far too close to her for comfort. Hoping to distract him, she led them into the Smash Cantina. There, she found Link drinking himself to death, and Marth banging his head on the wall. Link was muttering, "Stupid blue haired human. Just had to stick your nose into things. And then, you had the gall to drag me into it. Humiliating me in front of my king." Marth looked up.
"Oh, fine. Blame me. But there was no call for what you said about my sister." Marth grimaced. "She's doing the best she can."
"It's not right, a woman running a country. That's what you should be doing." Link snarled back. Marth stepped back at the sheer hatred in Link's gaze.
"Link, what is wrong with woman rulers? Zelda is a woman, isn't she? And when King Harkinian dies, may it not be soon, she's bound to take over. "
"Hmph. At least she'll act like a woman. She doesn't run around with weapons." Link took another swig.
Harding walked in. "Ah, a man after my own heart. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Prince Harding."
Link looked up. "Of which kingdom?"
"Of Bern, of course." The effect was instantaneous. Link and Marth quickly grabbed their weapons. "Gentlemen, I presume you've heard of us then."
"We know enough to know that you should be killed now." Link said. Marth brought his own blade up.
Roi ran into the middle of the three. "Marth, Link! Don't kill him." Link blinked. Marth just stared slackjawed.
"Why not? He's from Bern, and you told us that they were evil!" Link slid his sword back into his sheath.
"Yes, but my father wants me to marry him." Marth swore under his breath. Link carefully stepped back and trod on his toes.
"If you marry him… then you won't be in the tournament anymore, right?" Link asked politely. Marth started. "Congratulations, invite me to the wedding."
"Thank you, Sir Link." Prince Harding gave a little bow.
"Link, may I have a word with Roi?" Marth asked politely. When Link nodded, Marth and Roi walked into a corner. The prince excused himself. Link waited a few seconds and then put his ear to the wall. On the other side, he heard the prince speaking.
"Yes, father. I'll get Roi to come with me. Then, when we reach the border, I rape her and kill her, depositing the body on the border with the Ostian League. That will give us the excuse we need to re-conquer them." Link cursed and ran to tell Roi.
5 minutes later
"You'll regret this, fools! I always get what I want." Harding shouted up at the wall. He then ducked as various nasty missiles were shot at him. Backing away, he ran off. "You are all dead, you hear? All of you, dead!" Bowser chortled.
"Help him on his way, Big G." Ganondorf smiled. Only a certain turning of the lips suggested that someone would regret 'Big G'. A blast of dark magic enveloped the poor prince.
Keller: Dagnabbit, another cliff-hanger. What will happen? Who will…Roi, this is stupid.
Roi: I know, I know.
Alfonz: Where is that detective, anyway?
Rose: He and the doctor are looking around for clues still.
Keller: Slywolf better be found soon. That's all I'm saying. Otherwise, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson will be in a large amount of trouble.
Lilian: Calm down, calm down.
Keller: Want another firebolt?
Lilian: Never mind.
