Am not a mean person. If you think so, you really haven't seen anything yet. But I'm not doing review responses. Just too out-of-it.
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Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't even think of pointing that finger this way.
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Chapter 10-The Price is Wrong Bitch, the Price is Wrong.
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I was sitting in a restaurant, having found myself in the company of lunatics. Again.
Inuyasha had arranged the entire evening with the attention to detail of someone who couldn't possibly be straight. I never found out to what extent he'd tried to control the event, but quite suspected he'd even attempted to order the angle of the silverware to the edge of the table. I wouldn't put it past him.
The gathering was rather large. Very fun though, I had to admit. The best part was that it was all for me. I chose to remember this at particularly awkward moments, after discovering that I was being consistently reintroduced to people I hadn't seen in about three years. I could only wonder as to how Inuyasha had managed to summon them all to the location after only a week's notice, and how he had even persuaded them to care in the first place.
A mental picture of Sadie, my friend from boarding school who happened to live in the city, finding the invitation among her usual mail. "Kagome Higurashi is going to play Juliet?! Marvelous! I must attend this party!" Sadie already had a family of four to run; a husband and twins, and the next scene in my daydream featured her herding them into a minivan in their best attire like a swat team on the move.
"It was nice of him to do all this, wasn't it?" Sango said casually. I looked up at her from across the table. An array of glasses lay between us.
Nodding, I let my head settle in my hands. "Yeah, really nice." There was a pause as I peered out at the patio where many couples had started dancing under the stars. "He makes such a fuss over me sometimes."
"It's a great party," Miroku said from beside Sango. He'd brushed up quite a bit in a very short amount of time. Surrounded by free alcohol, he hadn't had even a single shot since the whole party business had started roughly three hours ago. His shirt was hardly ruffled. And if it was, it was to look disheveled and hot, which he was. Lucky Sango.
My head bobbed again, and I continued to stare out at the patio. Inuyasha drifted by, dancing with Rin. It was adorable, older brother dancing with younger sister, how precious. I cooed at them as they passed, and Sango smiled. She had also been watching them.
"It's so sweet," she whispered.
I giggled, "He loves her so much. He'd do anything for Rin."
"He'd do anything for you," Miroku said.
"I can think of about ninety things he would never, in a million years, do for me," I countered with a note of disdain. "Rin is different. I mean it, he'd do anything for her."
"They both would."
I looked up, "Both?"
"Sesshomaru and Inuyasha," Miroku explained. Sango turned to him curiously, with a look in her eyes that was daring him to say another word, but would be greatly amused if he did.
"They both what?"
He smiled at me cunningly. A, "you're sweet," kind of smile. I hated that, but let it pass, expecting an answer that would quell my anger. Instead he said, "Nothing, nevermind."
Though dissatisfied, I decided to let him keep his secrets, as they were no doubt filthy and unfit for the ears of children.
Inuyasha came up to us after a few more sleepy, burnt out snippets of conversation. The three of us were getting more tired with each passing moment, but our friend, on the other hand, was completely alive. He settled himself in a chair beside me. High on caffeine and excitement, he looked around at all of us eagerly.
"Come on!" he chirped, "The party's just started!"
Sango rubbed her eyes drowsily, "Then why do I feel like I'm about to pass out?"
Inuyasha frowned at her, and turned his attention expectantly to Miroku. "There's a sea of women yet to experience your touch out there," he shook his finger, as if he were reprimanding him for not getting to work sooner.
Miroku gave him a half-smile. "No, I don't think I'm up to that business tonight." I was quite sure I saw his eyes flick to Sango and back, lightening-quick.
"Go," she said, lifting herself from the nest she'd made for her chin with her arms, "Knock yourself out, don't worry about us."
He scratched her back affectionately, "You sound really tired."
"I am really tired. Go have a good time."
"Go for it Miroku," I insisted, gripping his shoulder from across the table, "You must carry on the legacy."
"Damned straight," Inuyasha cheered, his fist shaking triumphantly in the air.
"What legacy?" Miroku asked me, looking baffled.
I shrugged, "I don't know, but it needs carrying, doesn't it?"
His confusion only visibly deepened, so I gave up and just flashed him a toothy grin. "Come on, Sango wants you to."
Even with her head buried in her folded arms, I could see the blush creeping all the way up to her ears, and Miroku probably saw it too, because his eyes had returned to her in his hesitancy. He looked back at me, "Fine."
Inuyasha let loose a war cry and stood up, sending the glasses trembling and clinking delicately all around us. Miroku went to his side, but just as they were about to set out into the dance floor, a hand fell in front of my face. "May I have this dance?"
"No way Inuyasha, I can't leave Sango all alone."
She moaned her disapproval and shooed me away like a fly with a limp hand. "Please go, I can hardly stand your foul presence anymore."
Smiling, I placed my hand in his and allowed him to pull me up to my feet. His other hand fell on my waist, while I let mine hang on his shoulder. Grinning fiendishly he guided us both in a mighty twirl away from the table, with Miroku following us silently, looking very entertained at our antics.
We entered the crowd on the patio gracefully, spinning around to a waltz that the band was playing from their platform at one end of the floor. Faces whirled past us, only a quarter of which I recognized. "You invited so many people!" I said to Inuyasha, awed.
He beamed with pride, happy that someone had commented on what he seemed to think of as a very high achievement. "Thanks."
I continued to look around at everyone we drifted by, "I don't know most of them."
Inuyasha laughed, and brought me near his knees in a dip, "How strange, and it's your party."
"A party for what?" I asked shortly when I was returned to my proper footing, my hair flying in front of my nose irritably.
"The start of your acting career!" He said heatedly as I spun for him with as much grace as I could muster in high heels, which I had come to distrust since my ankle incident.
I sniffed and hissed at a stray tendril that refused to leave my range of vision. It tickled my nose teasingly and fluttered in the air I blew at it, but refused to move. Growing more annoyed with each second that it lingered in front of me, I began thrashing my head a little to shake it away.
While I was so foolishly caught up with a few stray hairs, Inuyasha suddenly gasped in delight, "Riba!" He exclaimed. "We must dance!" I continued to snap at the source of my frustration. "Hold on to this for me, won't you?"
Before I had a second to realize what was going on, I was pushed from Inuyasha's arms, suddenly reduced to just a thing "to be held on to." But I was not stranded for long, alone on the dance floor. I sailed into the arms of the person to be doing the holding unceremoniously, like a football being passed around. The person held me awkwardly for a moment or two before I finally succeeded in ousting the hair from my face and was able to comfortably raise my eyes to his face, a little perturbed at Inuyasha's sudden abandonment.
I went rigid with shock in an instant, and then gathered my wits again quickly. "Hello Sesshomaru."
He looked down at me, holding my right hand with one of his own, his other laying on my shoulder strangely. In as flash the uncertainty vanished from his eyes and he resumed looking emotionless as he usually did. "Inuyasha has left you," he noted from several inches above me. Sesshomaru was very, very tall, but hardly intimidating to me anymore after having known him for so long.
I sighed distantly, "Yes, and after leading me on like that." My head shook hopelessly, and my eyes followed my former dance partner across the floor, in the arms of my co-worker then. They had left the grace of waltzing and were making themselves quite content with modern, spontaneous moves. A crowd was starting to gather around them.
My gaze jumped back to Sesshomaru's face, and I smiled gently, "Shall we dance?"
The very smallest of smiles crept to his lips, that was more of a smirk, if anything. He placed his hand on my hip, and I couldn't help the rise of heat that flared inside of me at the intimate touch. "Yes."
I took hold of his shoulder, and together we began to move. Under his direction, we were flawless. It was like being liquid, just letting him move me around the way he did. For a while I simply allowed him to guide me, I didn't even try to strike up a conversation. The stars spun above us, the band played harmoniously, and Sesshomaru pulled us into a more secluded part of the patio.
Soon I found it very easy to forget that he was my best friend's older brother. I found it easy to forget that they had always had a silent war. That he never showed a shred of emotion, and for all I knew, he was probably suffering as the minutes passed by, hoping to God that I would ask to stop dancing so he could wash his hands. I found it easy to forget that what I didn't know about him could fill several books. That he was such a mystery to me. In fact, I allowed myself to remember only one thing about Sesshomaru: that he made me feel safe.
It was true. Whenever I discovered that I was in his company I felt an immediate calm wash over me. It wasn't necessarily alluring, it didn't suggest that we had a secret love affair, that we were deeply passionate about each other, or that we had a unique attraction that was purely natural. I had just accepted it as a fact of life after a while, that when I saw him hanging around I would sort of think, 'Oh yes, Inuyasha's brother, there he is. He seems so much older than everyone, he's so quiet and wise, I'm sure he'll keep the peace around here. Yes, there he is.' I blame this assumption of mine that he made things automatically secure everywhere he went on his close protection of Rin, which I'd seen in action many times.
Very gradually, the distance between our bodies shrank, until with the effect of an earthquake from my perspective, our chests collided. I gasped, and almost stopped, but he didn't even falter. After a few tense moments of resting against him, my heartbeat slowed and returned to its normal pace; I relaxed into him, and very soon found myself resisting the urge to let my head fall on him.
"You're an amazing dancer," I said eventually. "Much better than Inuyasha."
I suspect that pleased him. Sesshomaru always seemed to enjoy one-upping Inuyasha, and vice versa. Typical brotherly behavior. However, it did not please him enough to respond. He just remained silent, and my desire to lean completely into him grew.
Time passed smoothly again, and we continued to dance closely together. I wondered vaguely how Sango or Miroku would react if they saw us, or even Rin or Shippou. But then, I would react similarly if I saw any of them dancing together, and they probably were at that point.
"Would you like to stop?" His voice startled me out of my sleepy thoughts.
I looked up at him, surprised, "What? No, no. . .I'm fine."
"You're exhausted," he insisted coldly.
Again I told him that I was perfectly all right and he shouldn't bother. He did bother though, and in a very unexpected way. We had taken only a few more steps before he suggested that I rest my head on him, just the thing I'd been dying to do for a long time.
"What?" I was completely confounded by his statement, which sounded very much like a demand.
His golden eyes narrowed, "If you refuse to stop, I will have to ask that you rest your head on me."
"But I'm fine!" Odd request.
A dangerous stare was my only answer. That alone was scary enough to bully me into doing what he asked, but on top of that, the temptation was maddening. The skin of my somewhat exposed chest already told me that he was a delightful pillow. It was as if it was barking up at my chin, telling it that the water was fine. Somewhat reluctantly, I turned my head to the side and let it fall little by little onto him.
The effect it had on me was immediate. I was lulled by the steady, even beating of his heart, the gliding motions of our dancing, and the softness of his shirt and toned chest combined. While I started to succumb to sleep, his grip on me tightened, holding me even more firmly against him lest I fall in my weakness.
He never protested once to my closeness, though he did frequently ask if I wanted to stop. Each time I said no, with an increasing slur arising in my voice.
The patio dissolved under our feet, and soon I realized brightly that we were dancing in the sky. I raised my head and giggled at him, and he smiled back openly. The floor trembled like water each time our feet landed on it, sending little circles scattering around.
I sighed in bliss as we started to fall gently; rather, Sesshomaru was lowering me. The scene changed bit by bit into one of trees spread out all around us. They were flowering trees that shed their large, billowy petals in a snow of white on the breeze that swept through them.
My body connected very softly with the ground, landing on a lovely carpet of the blossoms. Sesshomaru was still hovering above me, but he too drifted down towards my face when I had settled down on my plush mattress. I waited for his presence beside me, but heard a voice instead.
It was Inuyasha's.
"You fell asleep on Sesshomaru," he said, and there was unmistakable mockery in his words, "And I am never going to let you forget it."
My vision swayed and swept around the inside of a cab before I slipped out of consciousness yet again. Cabs were number two on the top ten list of places where I'd fallen asleep the most. And down at the very bottom of that list, another entry was made:
Sesshomaru.
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He wasn't kidding.
Oh, did I hate him.
Pouring over my newly acquired script at the breakfast table, he was there to break my concentration.
"You slept on Sesshomaru. Funny how much that sounds like, slept with Sesshomaru."
"Shut the fuck up Romeo – er, Inuyasha."
Talking to Hojo on the phone, he was there to spoil our chances together.
"Does he know you slept with Sesshomaru?"
After putting my hand politely over the phone, "It was slept on, and I swear I'll shove this phone straight up your ass if you don't leave immediately."
Helping Miroku clean his apartment that he shared with Sango, Inuyasha was out to spread gossip through the fastest connection.
"Hello?" Miroku would lift the phone to his ear with a broom in the other hand.
"You're fond of this type of subject, surely you're interested in the fact that Kagome slept with Sesshomaru?"
Thankfully, he had apparently dropped his affection for such. "You already told me Inuyasha."
Meanwhile I was storming out the door and across the hall with a bottle of cleaning fluid to spray mercilessly into my 'best friend's' eyes.
Screw being 'worried for me.' Inuyasha changed in a heartbeat with no trouble at all. A new relationship after Kouga? His first reaction would be to act concerned. But as soon as heard that this nonexistent post-Kouga thing involved Sesshomaru, his very subtle nemesis, Inuyasha eagerly jumped at the opportunity to torment us both, or so he imagined. I was quite certain at the time that Sesshomaru didn't give a flying rat's ass about the whole thing. Either that or he was still furiously rinsing his hands.
It didn't matter to me so much after a while. Every now and then Inuyasha would make under jab at me, but soon, he got tired of it. His eyes didn't cease glinting whenever Sesshomaru and I happened to be in the same room for a while though.
...........
I quit my job. It was difficult, and the ladies made a horrible fuss. Especially Riba. Sheri didn't seem to give a shit; in fact, I suspect she was somewhat happy. When I broke the news to my group in the coffee room, Riba screamed, Kaede burst into tears, Sheri sucked idly on an aspirin and watched the progress of a fly trying to land near the smoldering remains of her last cigarette.
I sniffed at her dejectedly, having expected a larger reaction, but my cool demeanor was suddenly chucked way off balance, like the rest of me, when Jordan threw her arms around my neck. "I'm going to miss you so much," she shrieked into my hair. My fingers tapped her head affectionately to keep her from exploding into tears like her co-worker.
That very co-worker made us all jump suddenly when she snorted loudly into a handkerchief. When her puffy face emerged from the wet mess he held in her hands, her watery eyes stared at me. "Why are you leaving?" she asked me in a small voice.
I hesitated and tried to form an answer in my head. Their sudden outbursts were a little unnerving. "Um well, remember when I told you all about the theater stuff? How I got Juliet?"
The nodded like a single person, except for Sheri, who was still glowering at the fly. I continued apprehensively, "I've decided that it would be best, if, you know, I quit my job here."
"Why?" Riba snapped, looking completely prepared to break my neck.
"It takes up a lot of time..." I said while I gently coaxed Jordan off of me; she complied reluctantly.
They grumbled and growled, shifting on their feet uncomfortably. Each one of them knew and remembered the support they'd given me through the whole ordeal, from my first audition to my second. On top of that, they remembered how much they'd cheered when I secured my part as Juliet, and when I'd been accepted as a start.
However, from the filthy looks Kaede and Riba were tossing my way, I could tell that they distinctly didn't want me to leave the building. I shrugged as nonchalantly as possible, "Sorry."
Jordan sighed and shook her head around like she was trying to shake something out of her ear. "Okay," she said blankly, and then with renewed strength, she looked up at me, "Okay," it was firmer that time. I was given another hug, though it was more relaxed and less threatening than the last one. "I'm happy for you," Jordan stepped back from me and stared down at her feet, "This is what you really wanted, this part. I'm really glad you got it. You'll keep in touch though, right?"
I nodded, "Of course."
Kaede also released a long, deep breath. "Naturally you'll be letting us know when you perform, won't you?"
Again I nodded fervently, "Yes, yes, I will."
Lastly, Riba came forward. I cowered a little, expecting some form of verbal abuse, which I knew from experience she was quite capable of. Instead, much to my surprise, she stepped forward and, smiling broadly, wrapped me up in a great bear hug. Whilst patting my back gruffly, she shouted, "You deserve this chance!"
And again to my complete surprise, she let me go sobbing. Seeing Riba in such an emotional state made my lower lip involuntarily start to tremble. For a second I felt a pang of regret, leaving the work place I had come to adore; and even more lethal to my ego, who would replace me? Me! An urge to snarl surged inside of me, just considering this idea of a renegade outsider staking her claim on what was unarguably my territory. Pfft!
"When do you leave?" Sheri asked, the only sign of life she had shown since I'd broken the news. The remains of the fly were twitching gruesomely near a rolled up newspaper on the plastic table.
"I already gave my notice two weeks ago. This is my last day," I said glumly. Jordan wailed.
Looking around at all of them, listening to Kaede and Jordan explain over and over again how much they would miss me, wringing their hands and my hands and begging me to drop by for visits or make calls or send e-mails, I realized that this was not at all what I had been expecting. Just a quiet goodbye was all I had in mind, certainly no tears. My regret swelled, and so did my guilt; they really would miss me.
"I promise I'll keep you all informed on everything," I insisted consolingly, "And you keep me informed on how you all are doing too, okay?"
The agreed in unison, except for Sheri, of course. She just wasn't a team player.
"And don't give the new girl...too hard of a time," I added as an afterthought.
.........
And now for the rehearsal that would change me for years to come. The fateful day I learned just how vile Kikyo really was.
It was my very first real rehearsal, after a few meetings for simply running through the script with the main characters gathered around a long table, and there were several instances when everything was halted so that I could stop looking so excited and giddy and focus on being distraught about the forbidden love I was sharing with Hojo – I mean, Romeo.
But what my thoughts were really spinning around was the kiss. The kiss to end all kisses, no tongue, but just as passionate; my character was pouring her heart and soul out through the icy-dead lips of her true love.
Perfect, you couldn't have asked for a more excellent first date; and that was what I playfully thought of it as, deep down. Screw the movie angle, we were Romeo and Juliet, and we would kiss like no other two people ever did.
There were other scenes of romance throughout the play, but nothing had been planted in the script so moving as the final kiss. I could hardly wait.
And lo, before I knew it, it was upon me. I pined in agony over the lifeless body of my significant other, moaned about the poison spent on him, shed my tears, bent my head. My lips brushed softly against his, and we both went still for a moment; I relaxed first, and pressed myself more deeply onto him with a hand clasped over his shoulder for support. When the kiss was broken, I opened my eyes and saw that his cheeks were rosy-red, which sort of ruined the moment a little.
That, and the fact that I had to pretend I was stabbing myself about ten seconds later.
Still, the high didn't wear off for a while, until just after the rehearsal was over and done with. Everyone was gathered in the changing rooms, which doubled as the bathrooms, and a type of lounge area. There were plush chairs gathered around a low coffee table, and even a mini-kitchen complete with a microwave, sink, coffee maker (we liked coffee, a lot), and cupboards that never had anything in them.
I was in my own dressing room, something that I hadn't stopped fussing over for a week and a half, packing my script away and entertaining the last few people that had stuck around to say I did a good job, for my first time performing. The dressing room wasn't anything huge, small, with a chair and mirror, and a little sofa. The main characters always had dressing rooms like these set aside, because they had to be in so many scenes and it was helpful to have a single place to keep all of their costumes.
There had been a steady stream of visitors coming through and knocking on my door since the end of practice, all wishing me good luck for next time or congratulating me again on winning the part or even making suggestive comments regarding Hojo that I didn't mind a bit.
Yukari was the last to leave, and had sat on my sofa chatting with me even after everyone else had left. It was then that I expressed my thoughts about my co-star for the first time, to anyone.
She reacted well.
"Really?!" a squeal, then, "That's great! You're perfect for each other! I always suspected that you had a thing for each other, and was like, 'yes! That's so cool!'" Then a dark, knowing look came over her. "But, hey...are you okay with it?"
I blinked, "What do you mean?"
She fumbled around, "I mean...you know, Kouga..."
My face fell, "O-oh...Well..."
Yukari made a series of stressed gestures, "Oh no! I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything! Forget I said anything, sorry!"
I brushed her concern off gently, "No, it's no problem. I just think, the sooner I get over him, the better. This is one step that's definately in the right direction, for once." Wrong.
She smiled at me, "I agree."
When she finally left me, I hung around for a while, watching my reflection in the mirror. We hadn't discussed anything more than how nice it was I had a girly crush on Hojo. What we should have discussed was my plan of action, because I was certainly clueless.
I talked to myself too. I weighed the pros and cons of a relationship, I actually willed myself to think about Kouga, and I just had to figure out if it was a risk worth taking. I wasn't really afraid of rejection, I'd been through that times ten. And...I knew Hojo had something for me too. I just knew it. The way he blushed when I was around, the way he looked at me, and the way he talked to me. We had something.
So I decided, just to prove to myself that I really wasn't afraid of being turned down, I'd march right up to him the very next chance I got and ask him what should be done. That filled me with pride and confidence. Something would happen, I'd already promised myself.
With my bag slung over my shoulder, positively bursting with good thoughts and intentions, I left my dressing room and began walking down the hall towards the exit. But I halted, when I saw Hojo's dressing room door, slightly ajar with light flooding through it.
My heart pounded, and my own vow came rushing back to me from the moment I'd spoken it to my reflection. "I'll make the first move...next opportunity I get." I ran a hand through my hair nervously and looked up at the barren, white ceiling, saying in the very softest possible, "Now?"
So it seemed. I gathered my courage, and my wits, organized myself a little, and let my fist go to the door.
There was only a second of hesitation before I knocked, just a second where maybe, possibly, my heart might've flashed a warning in front of my brain. You see, the heart always knows what's going on. But whatever it was, warning or no, I ignored it, knocked, and entered.
Nothing could've prepared me for the sight I saw.
Hojo opened his eyes, blinked, and pushed her away a little, looking surprised and slightly horrified. "K-Kagome?"
Kikyo stared fixedly at me from his arms. There I'd found them, Hojo, holding Kikyo by her upper arms before him, kissing her passionately as they stood together before his mirror. It was the very worst thing I could have seen when I opened the door.
For many awkward seconds I just stood where I was, rooted to the spot and completely frozen with my mouth a little open. My eyes were no doubt large and disbelieving. I'll admit I really didn't believe it, at first.
No one spoke, there was perfect silence. Inside my chest a firework-display of emotion was exploding, every one vying to force words out of my mouth or keep me statuesque. But amongst them all, came quiet experience. It let me know, that I'd done this before, that I'd been through the pain, and that the only thing for this now, this particular situation. I had to remain calm. I was an adult, I had to act like it, or fall to my doom.
"I-I'm sorry..." I said weakly, the tears gathering in my eyes, though I couldn't possibly let them fall, "I guess this is...a bad time."
Hojo was speechless, gaping just as I had been doing. His hold on Kikyo, however, did not falter, and she was the first to respond.
"Oh no," she said, with a smile that turned my blood to ice, "This is a perfect time, Kagome. You should know before anybody that we're in love," her gaze strayed up to Hojo's rigid face.
"I-In love?" I couldn't help the question from leaving my lips.
"Yes, completely in love..." Kikyo's voice was cold and almost emotionless. I knew instantly that it was a rouse, that whatever tiny bit of emotion expressed in her tone wasn't real. This was fake, it was fake for me, to hurt me. I could tell by the way she smiled in such a way, and by the way her eyes seemed to look down on me from a very great height.
But I couldn't say anything, and I didn't want to. The tears were moments away from leaving my eyes, I had no time, and I had no will. It didn't matter to me, anymore; because I knew...it was hopeless.
I bent my head to keep my eyes and their weakness from them, and said in a rushed, heated whisper, "I am very happy for you." Then, I turned around and left the room, then the hall, at a run.
........
My head hung low to hide my tears from the rest of the world, I stormed out of the front doors of the building overcome with rampant emotions. Truly, I wanted nothing more than to hate Kikyo, to explain to Hojo, and everyone else, just how horrible she was, just how malevolent she could be, just how much she deserved to be shunned as much as she had me. But for whatever reason, my heart wouldn't allow it. All I could see at that moment was what was in front of me, and what I saw was a pretty picture of romance.
Hojo was in love, I'd gotten the news straightforward, from a decent source. He was blissfully happy with the woman of his dreams, and all was right with the world. But that woman of his dreams wasn't me, and that was the problem. It was Kikyo. So she had thrown herself to him to spite me, big fucking deal. It made him happy; I couldn't do that.
But oh, did I want to... I wanted to so badly it hurt, and I had waited until the moment that my heart was shattered to realize it. Feeling ultimately doomed to unhappiness, I let the tears fall without the slightest bit of hesitation.
It was easy to think that fate was trying to tell me something, and judging from its choice of signs it was getting pretty frustrated with the little big girl who thought she could make a difference in someone's life. "You can't do that," it said to me fiercely, "Don't even try falling in love! No one will ever love you back! Just take the hint and quit..."
I stood alone under the street lamp in front of the theater, head clutched in one hand.
"You're parents can't stand even seeing your face, that's why they stay away from you."
Stumbling around, my sobbing quickly overcoming me, I grew exhausted and found my way to a wall where I leaned on it for support.
"Your brother doesn't visit, he hardly even writes."
My surroundings became a blur, I grew dizzy but couldn't cease weeping. Every time I tried my emotions would catch up with me and I would sink deeper into my own despair.
"Your fiancé left you."
Suddenly a voice called my name from right in front of me. I blinked dimly and raised my head a little, fingers furiously wiping away the tears from my eyes. First I saw the shadow of my visitor from the lamp's light.
"You can't even admit your feelings to the one you love the most."
I could hardly believe it, but not even my surprise could stop my tears from falling, and I continued on, even in his presence.
"You don't mean anything to anyone."
Sesshomaru stared down at me, looking completely unperturbed; except for his eyes. They shone with concern, glinting in the half-darkness. In my state of chaos I didn't once try to imagine why on earth he was there. Him of all people, it was just too bizarre to analyze. Too bizarre for me anyway, especially when I was too beat up to figure anything out besides the fact that I was suicidal.
While I was sniffling quietly, trying to get myself under control enough to piece together something decent to say to him, he began speaking to me. I only heard the first part of what he said; anything else was lost.
"Kagome," he began stiffly. He looked slightly put-off, even I could tell. I think he was uncomfortable knowing that he was going to have to actually talk. In a conversation. "Why are you crying." No question mark. Just order and obedience.
Fuck obedience, I wasn't in a good mood. So instead of answering him, I just continued to sob, and again my head went limp on my shoulders and he left my sight behind a curtain of my own hair.
The rest of whatever he said to me couldn't be heard, I was crying to loudly for me to understand anything else. Worn out, physically and emotionally, I didn't protest when he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and guided my body toward his. He held me to him very briefly, still talking in soft tones, before we started to walk.
His hold didn't slacken once, even when my feet refused to cooperate and I tripped or when my legs failed me and I refused to move for minutes at a time. I didn't know where he was leading me, I didn't care. Eventually I quit struggling against myself and relaxed into him. Resting my head on his shoulder, I continued to cry.
Soon I found myself being coaxed into a car. It was Sesshomaru's, of course. Unlike the rest of us, he didn't rely entirely on taxis and trains for transportation. It simply added to his importance. A sleek, modern car for a sleek, modern guy. We, Inuyasha, me, Rin, fought constantly over who would get to ride with him if we ever had something to go to together. We were fascinated by personal cars...
The ride soothed me just a little, though there wasn't any clear sign of that. Though it did grant my strained muscles a little release, it did nothing for my emotional state. I kept on sobbing, what a surprise. Sesshomaru said nothing for the duration of the trip, which I soon found out was made back to my apartment.
He didn't quit there, didn't just drop me off to fend for myself and find my way up the steps. After I was lifted gingerly out of the front seat, and together we entered the building, my head resting again on his shoulder. As we came to my door, he tried the doorknob with one hand, my being cradled to him with the other, and found that it was locked. Futilely he knocked, but no answer. Inuyasha was out. I was just stable enough to understand what was going on, and pulled my keys out of my pocket.
Again, Sesshomaru didn't stop there. As I was still in tears, very heavy ones, he didn't abandon me, but helped me to my bedroom and set me down on the mattress. That was when I was truly astounded by his actions.
I felt him tug at my jacket, then my shoes, and naturally assumed that he was helping me shed some of my extra clothes so that I could sleep more comfortably. It wasn't until his fingers brushed across the strap of my tank top that I began to worry a little.
"What are you doing?" I asked so quietly that it was barely audible.
"You need to calm down," he said when I promptly started weeping again after asking him my question. "You're going to take a shower, to relax. I am helping you undress, as you're obviously too agitated to do so yourself."
I don't know why I did, but I just relaxed. I'd gotten my explanation, and though I was still slightly uncomfortable, I let him lift my shirt up over my head so that my torso was naked except for my bra. He worked at the clasp until it was loose, and immediately looked away as I simultaneously crossed my arms over my exposed upper half. When he saw my jeans, he hesitated, and I understood. I lifted myself carefully off of the bed and turned from him as he rose and made for the bathroom where I heard him prepare the shower.
In his absence, I finished the job of undressing myself. Never once, in the whole awkward affair, did I quit crying. I was weak, my heart had just been broken...again. I was simply pitiful.
Sesshomaru returned, pointedly not looking in my direction, with a towel in his arms. I took it, and wrapped it around my body; effectively shielding myself from his eyes.
The shower was an excellent idea. I stood in it for a long time, letting the hot water rinse away the evil experience I'd just had, so that all that remained were the painful feelings that had lost their bite. Reduced then to my somewhat normal, considerably more understandable self, I breathed a sigh of relief. But my troubles weren't entirely over; having been removed from my world of agony, I had to face reality. I had to face Sesshomaru, who I had a feeling was still in my apartment.
I didn't bother to dry my hair, just let it sit on my bare shoulders in dark, soaking clumps. When I was covered once more by a plush, fluffy towel, I left the bathroom twenty minutes later and tiptoed softly back to my bedroom. As I'd expected, Sesshomaru was standing there; he gave me a look that suggested he was relieved I hadn't killed myself while out of his sight for nearly a half hour. I smiled at him as I approached.
"Thank you," my voice was faint and raspy, "For taking care of me."
"What happened?"
A long sigh escaped my lips as my feet shuffled around lamely. He came to me in a few steps and guided me to the bed by my shoulders, apparently worried that I would burst into a wild bout of sobbing again.
Sitting there while he stood in front of me (the last bit of his dignity that remained refused to let him take a place on the mattress) I explained to him what had happened. I owed him at least that much for driving me home and helping me back to where I was then. Sesshomaru listened patiently, with no visible emotion and no comment. It was about the same as talking to one of my walls.
However, when I was finished, he did have something to say.
"He doesn't deserve you."
No hesitancy, no shame, he meant what he said and he didn't regret it.
I looked up at him with dark eyes that probably still had a black halo of eye-liner around them. Not knowing what to make of his statement, I calmly told him to sit down.
He stiffened.
"I mean it, sit down. I'm not talking to you about this while you're looming over me like that."
Sesshomaru was very disturbed by my sudden twist of attitude, and looked like he was considering snapping at me. I knew it was the last thing he wanted to do, but I wanted him to get down to my level.
"Don't take a chair," I said, when he glanced at the whicker one Inuyasha sometimes sat in beside me while I slept. "I want you to sit on the bed."
His eyes flashed, he curled his fingers into fists, but I wasn't intimidated. It really wasn't intimidating anyway, he was just confused and frustrated by my sharpness. It took him a little while, but he eventually took a seat about two feet away from me.
"Not like that," I said, irritated, "Get closer, I don't bite."
The distance shrank, and finally satisfied, I turned my icy gaze on him again rather coyly. "Now, what do you mean by that?"
"Mean by what," he responded darkly.
"When you said, 'he doesn't deserve you.'"
Again he went tense, his back got just a little straighter, and even without the lights on I could see the flicker of uncertainty pass over his face by the glint in his amber eyes. It was Sesshomaru's equivalent of "did I say that?"
I waited, he formed an answer that had to be given. He had to say something, the consequences of remaining silent would be far worse.
There was a swish of long silvery hair sliding over as his head turned towards me in the blackness. "What more would you wish me to say?" Taken off guard, I flinched, but he continued without an answer from me. "There is no other like you, Kagome," each word was said with deliberate slowness, "You are strong, and you are capable," he paused, "You are beautiful. He doesn't deserve you, if he would even think of choosing another."
A tiny, awkward silence ensued during which my entire body shut down for maintenance. The impossible was happening, the world was going to end, it was going to fall down right on my head. It already was.
I felt him place a hand on my bare shoulder, lean in, and whisper sternly in my ear, "I want you to call me tomorrow; so that I know you haven't killed yourself. Rin would be upset."
I didn't say anything, I couldn't. My mouth was dead, but he waited for me to speak anyway until he sensed that nothing would come.
"Goodnight." The hand left my shoulder, the mattress rose as he left it, and then he left the apartment. When he was gone, I continued to sit in silence for a while until I presently flopped down into the bed and slept with nothing but a towel on.
......
Holy shnikes, I'm tired. You know I don't think I've ever been really awake updating. Ever.
