Emotionless

I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannnot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you

Cold, Crossfade

Disclaimer: The characters in this story belong to Tamora Pierce.

Keladry of Mindelan poked at her food, rearranging it around her plate while the boys around her exchanged stories of the battles they'd been in, the immortals they'd defeated, and the people they'd met.

Everyone was back from their adventures for the midwinter celebrations, and she was glad to have her friends back, but she couldn't help but look around the mess hall tiredly for the face that she'd come to memorize. The face that had tormented her dreams, plaguing her with both passion and hatred.

Neal watched his best friend carefully studying the mess hall, seeing relief plastered on her face as she returned to poking her food.

Dark circles hung under her eyes, her cheeks hollowed, and her once joyful hazel eyes looking downcast and haunted.

When she'd excused herself from the table leaving her uneaten plate sitting, he'd gotten up and followed her, lagging a few feet behind her until they'd reached the darkened halls.

Calling her name, he waited for her to stop, offering her a crooked smile, green eyes full of worry, wondering what could have happened in the course of a few months, to drive her into this state.

When he'd asked her if she were alright, she wanted to jump into his arms and let him comfort her, tell him of the dreams that were constantly on her mind, tell him she hadn't had a decent night's sleep in weeks, and she would've, except she couldn't. This was something she couldn't trust with anyone, not even her best friend. This was her burden, and she had to carry it alone.

Kel slipped the mask over her face, telling Neal that she'd be fine, all she needed was some sleep, and that she'd see him tomorrow.

She saw the hurt on his face, that she wouldn't confide in him after so many years. She hated keeping secrets from him, but this wasn't something she could tell him.

Walking down the hallways blindly, she let her emotions run wildy, and yet, no matter how hard she tried to think about her friends, they always returned to him. Joren of Stone Mountain, the person who had tried to ruin her chances at becoming a knight, the man who had succeeded in making her life a misery. She hated him so much, his hollow chuckle, the silver blond hair that constantly fell in his eyes, the way he smirked, but most of all, those eyes. They were almost like crystals, the way they held no emotion, the way they made her feel cold all over when she glanced at him.

Kel hadn't noticed where she was going, and the wind was knocked from her as she was thrown to the ground by the force of the person.

She mumbled her apologies as she tried to get on her feet, only managing to stumble from exhaustion. Gods, she needed some sleep, it had been so long since she'd been able to sleep peacefully.

A rough callused hand reached out to her, and she looked up to see exactly who she'd ran into. Heart beating furiously, she pushed the hand away, gripping the wall for support. A shiver ran through her spine, as saw him smirk and against her judgement lift her up.

"So we meet again lump, you really should watch where your going next time, you never know who you could run into down these dark, hallways," he said as he watched her as she tried unsuccessfully to free herself from the hold he had on her.

"Let go of me Stone Mountain," she tried to sounds furious with him, but she only came out sounding weak and tired, which disgusted her. It was like he had this power over her, to command her and do as he wished.

"That's no way to greet me now, is it Keladry?" He whispered the words into her ear seductively, and her legs buckled from underneath her, and if it hadn't been for him holding her upright, she might have fallen to the ground.

"Joren, don't start this again, please." she tried hard to keep the tears back, she couldn't display this kind of weakness in front of him, it would just give him something to hold over his head.

"You want it as much as I," with that he captured his lips in hers, forcing her against the wall. Fire exploded throughout her body as his tongue prodded it's way into her mouth.

She wanted to scream at him until her lungs were hoarse and her throat ached, she wanted to resist in some way she wanted to kick him, punch him, run into her room and lock the door. Kel always felt this way, but instead of resisting she battled him with her mouth. She kissed him back with as much passion he displayed, forgetting her plans, and forgetting her fatigue.

He pulled back from her suddenly, and she felt as if the world had come crashing down on her shoulders. The warmth his mouth had provided was gone, leaving her cold and shaking. She needed him, she craved him, but the most shocking of all was that she wanted him. It was an undesirable urge that she couldn't quench. He'd left his mark on her.

Taking her hand, he pulled her along with him, until he reached his door locking it once they had entered it. He was her support right now, and she clung to his form, though it sickened her greatly. She was Keladry of Mindelan, and everyone knew she could support herself, but once in a while, even the greatest fall.

Kel woke with a jolt as thoughts whirled around in her, sweat soaking her clothes and sheets. She stared at the smooth white ceiling, as she came back to reality.

Getting up, she pulled her glaive off the rack, trying to forget the images of him, trying to clear her mind as she used to do when she was smaller. A smooth, calm lake, glistening in the warm sunlight, children's laughs ringing along the surface. The lake shifted from her mind, a storm coming to mind...a storm with crystal blue eyes and a smirk.

A/N: A new story...This will probably be Kel/Joren, or Kel/Neal...I'm not quite sure though. Yuki and Cleon will be in the next chapter, who knows this could even end up as Kel/Cleon. Please review and tell me what you think.