Dear Harry,
It's funny, I've been thinking over in my head all of the things I need to say, and all of the things I'm feeling but now, as I put my quill to parchment I seem to be lost for words. First time for everything huh? Suppose you're wondering how I am. I'd be lying if I said I was ok, and you'd know it. Truth is, I don't know how I am, and I don't know how I feel. I'm still waiting to wake up from this dream, this nightmare…I know that must sound strange.
I feel numb, like I'm still in denial. I don't want to talk, I don't want to eat or sleep. I spend most of my time crying up in my room. I have to admit I'm lonely, but I'm not ready to come back. I suppose the reason I'm writing to you is that you must know how I'm feeling…to a certain extent at least. I guess I was lucky in a way; at least I got to know my parents. I should be thankful for that much…but then to have them taken away from me like that. What part of that was fair? I can't even begin to understand why I am now alone.
Please don't blame yourself Harry. It would break my heart so much more to know that you are suffering because of my pain. Although I do not believe that this is 'an unfortunate accident' and that it was 'unavoidable' (as Dumbledore has so charmingly described it), I have no doubt in my mind of who is to blame for this. I know it, and you know it too.
Living here at…well, you know…is not exactly lightening my mood either. I don't know how Lupin copes, or Snuffles for that matter…coped. Lupin has been great. He doesn't realise it but he's helped me a lot. He lent me a book. I didn't feel like reading it at first (a sure sign that something is wrong!) but it's actually been a nice distraction from everything…from this awful house and this awful life!
I'm rambling now, I'm well aware of it. There's a reason for it too. You see…the thing is Harry that I'm writing to you to tell you something but I'm not sure how to say it and I'm not sure how you're going to react. My guessing is a lot better than Ron would react if I told him, which is why I'm writing to you and not him. Like I said, you understand.
Ok, here goes…the thing is Harry I'm tired. I'm fed up of everything that happens to us and although you're strong enough to get through whatever this life throws at us, I'm not sure that I am. Six years ago we were unaware of this world, and unaware of the difficulties that we would have in joining it. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for who I've become…but sometimes I just wish I'd never gotten that letter, and that I'd never become part of something that I can never fully comprehend, and that a tiny part of me wishes I had never met you.
No, that's not true. Well, not really anyway. You and Ron are my life, especially now and I am a better person for knowing you both. You have taught me more than any book and any teacher ever has or ever will. I love you both so much. And this is why it is going to be so hard for me to do this.
Harry…I'm rejoining the Muggle world. I have an uncle, my mother's brother, who I have contacted and he's offered to let me live with him for two years. I'm going to join a college, take my GCSE's and after that who knows. I don't care; I just need to escape from our world. I never thought I'd feel this way, I never thought I'd run when things became too much. Maybe I'm not a Gryffindor after all. Please don't hate me for this, and don't try to change my mind either. I've thought it over a great deal, believe me, and I can't see any other way.
I've arranged a meeting next week at the Ministry, with the Head of the Obliviators. I've written to him a couple of times and he's replied. He's a very understanding man, and has agreed to consider my 'special circumstances'. After that…well, I suppose the last six years of my life will be nothing more than a gap in my mind. But if that's what it takes to make the pain go away then I'm willing to accept the consequences. Don't be angry Harry. I know this will be hard on you, and on Ron, but believe me it is a million times harder for me.
I'd like to say I will think of you, and remember the good times (there have been a fair few, in between the life-threatening danger and petty arguments!). Maybe what I'm doing is wrong, maybe I would regret it, but I guess I'll never know. I've enclosed all the photos that I own of us all. I want you to have them. What's the point in having photos when you can't remember who they are of?
I do not want you to say goodbye, I'm afraid that I'll change my mind. You've lost so many people in your life Harry, and I'm so sorry that I have to be one of them. I only hope that in time you will forgive me and know that, wherever I am, I'm happier not knowing the truth. Talk to Ron for me, it'll be harder for him I know. He won't understand what I'm going through, I know he wants to but he doesn't. Not like you.
Goodbye Harry, I hope…well, I hope this war ends soon and that you stay strong. I will always remember you in my heart. Think of that and be happy.
All my love,
Hermione
x x
