The next night I found Pony smoking and watching the sunset on our tiny porch, it was late; Soda and Darry were already in bed. Pony was sitting on the stairs his eyes fixed on the dull grey clouds that moved over the bright red sky. He didn't hear me approach him and I didn't want to startle him so I cleared my throat softly. He turned his head at the sound and smiled at me briefly, his eyes brimming with unshed tears. I felt a knot beginning to form in my stomach and my heart beginning to ache as I watched a single tear find its way down Pony's face.
I wanted to run over to him, throw my arms around his neck and comfort him, telling him that everything wound be alright. My poor little brother, how sorry I felt for him. I knew that nothing ever would be completely alright for him again. He had seen to much, that soc's dead body, he had fled his hometown and his family and as that wasn't enough, he had watched to of his best friends die in the course of a day. In the light of that I knew he could never be that young dreamer he used to be, I was however fairly certain he would never become as hardened and cold as the hoods downtown, as the boys in Tim Shepard's gang. At that moment, as I watched my little brother hurt like that, I couldn't make up my mind wether that was a good thing or not. I didn't want him to be like them but I didn't want him to break either.
So instead of hugging him I walked over to him and sat down next to him. He was back to watching the now purple sky, his eyes dry again.
"Give me" I said to him motioning to his cigarette, he passed it over to me and I took a long drag, feeling the comforting smoke filling my lungs and spreading trough my body.
"Darry don't like you smokingso much , you know" I turned to him passing the cigarette back.
"Yeah well, I like me to smoke that much" he answered shrugging. I couldn't help but smile at that. Pony was a nice kid but he was tough when he needed to be, he just knew how to pick his battles better that most greasers. And the battles he picked often involved disobeying Darry. They had gotten along a lot better the past months but some of the tension was still there.
"Don't be too hard on him, Pony" I said patting his knee lightly "you dig?"
He flicked his cigarette away onto our lawn shrugging. He sighed and turned his handsome face to me.
"Yeah I know, I wont" he sighed again continuing "just like smoking that's all sis" He smiled at me tiredly.
"Looks like you could need some sleep kid" He nodded as he got up and walked inside turning to me saying;
"Good night Nora"
"Night kid" I said watching him close the door behind him.
I looked up at the sky, which was now pitch-black and filled with blinking stars, it was beautiful and I watched it awe-struck for some time before I went inside to get some sleep.
I woke in the middle of the night, the room resting in darkness around me, my heart pounding like crazy, my throat tight and dry. I struggled to catch my breath as I tried to remember what I had dreamed. I sat up leaning against the wall looking around the dark room, my eyes getting used to the darkness I could see my cover and cheats were all messed up, I must had been fighting in my dream. And then as I saw my blue skirt laying tossed on the floor I remembered the dream.
I had been in the backseat of a car, making out with some guy, he had been kissing my neck his hand roaming over my body. I was just laying there and letting him do what he wanted to me. His hands were on my breasts, I could hear his ragged breaths and suddenly I knew who he was.
I remembered being in that car, I remembered it all, his hands on me, his body against mine, the heat between us, the feeling that I shouldn't be there. Fuck! I didn't want to remember that, didn't want to remember him. But suddenly I was back to remembering my dream again, I started to struggle to get away from him and when I tried to wiggle myself away from underneath him he pinned my arms behind my head and held me down. My eyes were closed and as I opened them I was prepared see his face looking down at me. But what I saw made my heart stop beating for a second.
Tim Shepard was looking down on me, my surprise reflecting in his blackish eyes. That's when I had awakened, panting for breath.
What the fuck had Shepard been doing in my dream? And in the place where I knew he should be. I hated to think about him, I thought I had forgotten about him and about that night long ago. Apparently I hadn't.
I pulled the covers around my shoulders, thinking about him for the first time since he had left. I didn't really know what I had felt about him then, now I didn't feel a thing as I saw his face in my head, his brown hair greased back, his brown eyes smiling at me. But at that time I had really liked him, maybe I was in love with him even, but I hadn't loved him of that I was sure. I had only met him a couple of times and both times we had ended up almost having sex in his car. I had tried with all my might to resist him almost giving in to him, but in the last minute I sort of woke up, seeing how it would all end up if I did have sex with him. He would have left me when he had gotten what he wanted, never looking back, moving on to the next girl who was smitten by his dancing brown eyes and sparkling laughter. I had tried to get away from underneath him then, but he had grabbed my wrist and held me down trying to force himself on me. I had panicked, struggling like a madman to get away, and in the fight that ensued I somehow managed to knee him in the groin. As he doubled over crying out in pain, I flew out of the car, running the whole way home.
I never told anyone about what had happened, and a couple of days later I was told he had left town. I was glad that I didn't have to deal with him and I put it all behind me, that is until this night.
But what the hell had Shepard been doing in his place? The logical side of my brain told me it was just because I had seen him a lot lately, that he was on my mind unconsciously and by accident got mixed up in that dream. But an other part of me felt scared of the thought of him taking his place trying to rape me and yet somehow I was surprised to feel I hadn't been as scared of seeing his face above mine as I thought I would have been had it been his face. And what about the surprised expression in his eyes? Why had he been surprised, it was my dream, my memory to be surprised about. He wasn't even real, he was just a dream and dreams weren't supposed to feel anything, least of all surprise. It didn't make any sense, but then again it was a dream and they rarely make sense, at least not mine.
I laid down again pulling the covers over my body and found myself thinking of the day before. Pictures of Shepard fighting, standing watching me and his face as he spoke to me kept spinning around. I thought about the intimidating feeling of him being close to me, the feeling of his legs against my knees, the warmth coming from his body, that expressionless stone- cut face of his in front of me. I could suddenly see him as he were in my dream, his strong hands holding me down against the seat, his body pressing down on mine and I felt panic rush coldly trough my spine. I had to remind myself that it was not he who had done that to me, he had never even touched me, at least not improperly. And when I thought about that look he had had on his face when he talked about his siblings, that look of pride that made his whole face seem softer, I felt the fear subside and in its place a dull throbbing feeling appeared in the pit of my stomach.
I fell asleep wondering what that feeling was.
Thanks for the reviews, especially thanks to memyselfandi who gave me the idea for this chapter. Hope you enjoy it!
