Two.
New Times and Old Times
Taylor and Nathan are at it again.
I left Lucas' house at around ten thirty or so but when I reach my house, I immediately regret my decision to make an early appearance. As Lucas and I watched whatever action movie he had picked out, I started to think about Taylor. I started to think about how much I really did miss her. We used to be inseparable when we were little; everyone always thought we were twins. Maybe I could talk to her; tell her that I felt like a third wheel. But the fighting from inside the house indicates that there will be no talking anytime soon.
Simply yelling.
I sit on the porch swing outside and tuck my knees into me. There's always something with those two. They used to be so good together as friends, but the whole dating disaster had ruined them. Nathan was always doing something wrong and Taylor was always crying or yelling at him. And then when Taylor did something wrong, Nathan would lash out and then shut down. They've become this viscous cycle despite the fact that everyone around them thinks they're perfect.
With the exception of me, of course.
"You're being ridiculous, Nathan!" Taylor cries. "You were the one who forgot to pick me up. Ben was there, he offered me a ride. I didn't want to f ucking walk for Christ's sake." I can hear her moving around and I suspect that she's probably cleaning up the house. Whenever she's angry or upset, she cleans. "I know you don't like him, but you have to get over it, okay? We're friends!"
"Ben wants one thing and one thing only." Nathan says and I assume that like always he's following along after her, messing up everything she's already cleaned and trying his best to make her understand him. She never does. "I know guys like him."
"You mean guys like you!" She screams, her voice getting clearer as they come closer. I smile to myself, loving my sister for being so on point. One thing is for sure, she can hold her own in an argument, especially with Nathan. He's the only one she really fights with anyway, besides my parents. "Could you just grow up, Nathan? Guys and girls can be friends. We used to be friends, remember? When everything was so less f ucking complicated?"
Nathan scoffs. "Taylor. We are a perfect example of why girls and guys can't be just friends."
"So then you and Haley can't be friends?" Taylor says pointedly and I close my eyes at the mention of my name. It's so like them to somehow drag me into the argument.
"Obviously not," he snaps angrily and then stomps off out of ear shot. I don't know exactly what he means by it, but I try not to overanalyze like usual. Unfortunately, I don't get to see Taylor's reaction to his sudden outburst.
I find this to be the best time to make my appearance because I know that Taylor will be alone and it's easier to deal with her anyway. When I enter the kitchen, she's still cleaning which I don't find to be surprising at all. She glances up at me briefly but then looks back down at the rag in her hand and continues to wipe off the counters. "Hey," she says tiredly.
I bite my lip and look around awkwardly. "Everything okay?"
She stops wiping off the counters and looks at me strangely, not answering my question. "I looked for you at lunch…" she says "…Nathan and I went off campus and we thought you might want to come along." She looks back down. "You were nowhere to be found."
I stare back at her for a moment. "I was with Brooke and Peyton," I say quietly before heading over to the refrigerator and pouring myself a glass of lemonade. I gulp it down and then put it down on the table, causing the clink of the glass to fill the dead silent room.
"Tomorrow then," she tries. I hear the rag hit the counter again to indicate that she's gone back to work. "We'll meet you out front at around twelve thirty. Sound cool?"
I turn back around and use my palms to lean up against counter. I know that lunch with Nathan and Taylor is something that I need to avoid at all costs. The less time with them together, the better. "Actually…I promised Brooke that I'd go out to lunch with her." I smile tightly. "She's all excited about her new car."
She looks up and nods, studying me carefully. "Are you lying to me?"
"No," I say defensively, averting my eyes and letting them wander around the kitchen.
She doesn't buy it. "You're fiddling with your hands…" she says, her gaze still focused on me "…you fiddle with your hands when you're lying."
I spread my palms out wide and study them in front of my face. "I'm not lying, Tay. I promised Brooke, okay? I hate ditching people, you know that." I take another sip of my glass.
"You're ditching me," she says and I know immediately that she's not completely over her fight with Nathan because Taylor doesn't get like this with me. She's angry and I'm in the line of fire. "But you don't seem to mind all that much."
"Tay," I warn hopelessly.
She sighs and closes her eyes. "I'm sorry, Haley." She shakes her head. "Nathan and I just got into a fight…I shouldn't be taking this out on you. Look, we just miss you is all. It used to be the three of us against the world and now you've just fallen off the face of the earth or something." She gives me a sad smile. "You're never around."
"I know," I say with an equally hopeless smile as I move closer and put my hands on her shoulders. "I'm sorry. Look, you and me…we're going to go shopping this weekend, okay? Just the two of us." That way, I can fix my relationship with Taylor but still avoid the big bad Nathan issue.
It's easier to pretend like things aren't there, right?
She smiles. "That sounds fun."
"It will be," I promise.
She goes back to wiping down the already clean counters and I decide to let her be, wandering toward the living room where I hope to catch the last ten minutes of one of my favorite shows. It's obvious; however, when I reach the living room that this won't be happening for it is already occupied.
Nathan.
I watch the back of his head and listen to the explosive sounds coming from the television as he presses various amounts of buttons. I know that I should apologize, but I don't really know how to without him getting the idea that we're cool again. I feel bad for being a bitch earlier, but it doesn't change the fact that being around him is harder than it used to be. "I didn't know we had Playstation," I say and he shows no signs of flinching or anything. He obviously knew I was there before I made my presence known.
"I brought mine over," he says nonchalantly and I can just imagine Taylor screaming at him for doing this earlier in the day. He continues to simply ignore me. Finally deciding I can't take it anymore, I move around the couch and sit next to him, leaving a considerable distance between the two of us.
"Taylor must not have been too happy about that," I try to joke but it comes out phony and insincere, causing me to roll my eyes at myself and clear my throat nervously. I hate being nervous around Nathan, especially because he knows, or knew, me better than anyone and he knows my emotions pretty well.
"Is there something you want, Haley?" He asks, still refusing to take his eyes off the TV set. He's not being cold exactly, but there's something about nonchalance that can be icy at times. I can tell he's tired.
I look around sheepishly and then finally my eyes land on him. Luckily he doesn't look up so I don't have to avert my eyes. "Not really…" I pause and take a deep breath, glancing over at the TV as I talk "…I just wanted to apologize."
He pauses the game finally and looks at me, forcing me to do the same. "For what?"
I gulp. "Earlier. I was being a bitch and I'm sorry. It's just…" I stop myself, unable to let the rest of what I want to say leave my lips "…Listen, I was out of line. I've just had a…bad…week and, I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I'm sorry." My voice is soft; vulnerable.
"It's been more than a bad week, Haley…" he says accusingly and I nod mutely. I don't know if he means that there is more to my strange mood than just a bad week or if he means that it's been longer.
Either way, I know he's right.
"I'm sorry," I say again.
When he just stares at me blankly, I look away, unable to take the bitterness in his eyes. I've seen him look at people like that, but never at me. "Whatever," I say in annoyed tone, rolling my eyes and beginning to get up off the couch. Maybe its better that he doesn't accept my apology, maybe then he'll disappear from my life all together.
But is that really what I want?
He doesn't give me the chance to leave though, because the second I sit up I feel his arms circle around my waist as he stands up as well, pulling me back towards him. "Wait, Haley…" he says softly. I close my eyes and sigh, unable to dismiss the butterflies in my stomach as he touches me.
We hadn't been this close physically in a while.
I turn around to face him reluctantly. "What?" I choke out. I try to look down but my eyes meet his chest and I feel awkward so I look back up.
He smiles. "Of course I forgive you." He puts his thumb and pointer finger on my chin and winks softly. "If anything, I'm the one that is sorry. I don't know what it is I did to make you act that way. You never used to talk to me like that."
I nod as he lets me out of his grasp. "I'm sorry," I say again. "Things are just different now. With you and Taylor." He furrows his brow and I realize I've said too much. "Look, I have to go finish my homework. I'll see you in the morning."
He nods reluctantly and drops his hand from my waist as I hurry out of the room.
"So, you hung out with Lucas at his house?" Brooke asks and I find it oddly amusing that she's trying to be so subtle about this. Brooke has had a crush on Lucas ever since I met her. In fact, I didn't need to be friends with her to know this. I saw her drooling over him in Math one day before the two of us had even established any kind of friendship.
Brooke would kill me if I told her that she was drooling though.
"It was no big deal, Brooke. We're just friends…you know this." I feel a smile tugging at my lips because I know how in denial she is that she has any sort of feelings for him. "But what? Are you jealous?" I say in mock exasperation. I try not to laugh as she gasps dramatically.
"Of course not," she says defensively. "I was just wondering."
I roll my eyes, not being able to stand her denial anymore. "Just admit that you like him, Brooke. I know it…Peyton knows it…he knows it…" I trail off, waiting for her to blow a gasket.
"He knows it?" She exclaims. "Haley, I swear to God if you told him, I am going to kill you with my bare hands with out a second of hesitation!" Brooke is really entertaining when she's desperate.
I laugh out loud and fall onto my bed. I had been ready to go to sleep when Brooke called after finding out from Peyton about my whereabouts this evening. "I'm kidding, Brooke. He has no idea. He's completely clueless, I promise." I sigh. "But if you wish to keep it that way, I suggest you keep the drooling to a minimum." I close my eyes, waiting for her to explode.
"I do not drool!" She yells and I have to pull the phone away from my ear to keep my hearing in tact. "I swear I'm going to kill you, Haley. I do not drool." She says again. I told you she would kill me if I told her that, of course, I'll have to wait until tomorrow morning since we're on the phone.
"Okay…" I say insincerely and I'm getting way too much amusement out of this entire conversation.
Unfortunately, she takes it upon herself to ruin the mood; for me at least. "So did you ride home with Taylor and Nathan today?" I can just see the evil smile curling up her lips as she does this to me. I guess I brought it upon myself though; I shouldn't have brought up the drooling.
I groan. "Just Nathan."
"Did you guys make out?" She asks and I roll my eyes.
"He's my sister's boyfriend, Brooke," I say firmly. "We did not make out. You have to get over this sick fantasy that one day I'm going to steal him from Taylor. I have no feelings for Nathan, whatsoever." I lower my voice to say this, in fear that Taylor and Nathan are in the other room listening. Our walls are paper thin, seriously. You can hear just about everything. Especially things you don't want to hear, i.e. Nathan and Taylor having sex in her bed.
I've gotten accustomed to sleeping with my IPod on at night.
"Denial. Denial. Denial," she chirps happily and I can tell she loves every minute of this. If I didn't love Brooke like a sister, I would find this above and beyond annoying.
"Hypocrite," I throw back and she immediately stops laughing which causes me to laugh. "Got you there, didn't I?"
"I'm hanging up on you," she announces and the laughing that had stopped, starts up again. I can just see her pretty eyes turning into a glare. "I'm serious."
"Goodnight, Brooke…" I smile and I know that she can't help the smile that's forming on her lips either as she mumbles something about how much she hates me. It's of course, insincere because I know Brooke and I simply find it amusing. "Love you too."
That's what I love about my relationship with Brooke. We call each other on our bullshit and we can yell at each other but still ultimately have each other backs. We're honest with each other and I think that is the most important thing about friendship.
Honesty and trust.
I drop the phone down on the side table, out of its cradle and pull the cover over my head, turning off my lamp simultaneously. I close my eyes and turn on my side, ready to dream but my eyes open again abruptly when there is a light tapping on my door. It opens seconds later to reveal Nathan. I brush the hair out of my eyes and sit up. "What's up?" I ask, concerned. Nathan hasn't stepped foot into my room in the last three months and I have to say that it's more awkward than I had pictured it to be.
His eyes dart around the room and then land back on me. "Um…" he slides his hands into his pockets and looks down "…Taylor's still pissed and she told me to go home but…"
I nod before he can finish. He doesn't want to go home; he never wants to go home. Of course this is the worst punishment that she could give Nathan and she knows it. She must really be mad at him because she knows as well as me that Nathan's parents are his worst enemies.
I get up and move towards my closet, suddenly aware of the tiny shorts and tank top I had decided to wear to bed. I cross one arm over my chest and grab an extra blanket, handing it to him. He smiles gratefully and moves toward the left side of my bed that is closest to the bathroom, positioning himself on the floor. I climb over him and back into my bed, tossing him an extra one of my pillows.
"Just like old times," he says after a minute or two but it doesn't startle me because I am wide awake now, my eyes open and alert. "Except then you used to let me sleep on your bed with you." He laughs lightly but it's insincere and I know it.
"Well, in old times…you weren't dating my sister," I point out. And it's true, it used to be my room that he came to when his parents were fighting and he snuck out the window. My parents had grown accustomed to him staying over because they knew just as well as us how bad Deb and Dan Scott were when they went at it, throwing stuff everywhere and screaming so that the entire neighborhood could hear. And when they weren't fighting, they were cold and unforgiving.
Why they never got a divorce, no one knew.
But he would always slip into my room, not Taylor's and I would pull down the covers and let him slide in next to me. I had a fairly big bed so it wasn't a big deal. Besides, Taylor wasn't as understanding and though she loved Nathan, she just didn't get it like I did. But when they started dating, he would go to her room and they would of course, have sex to make him feel better.
I only know because I could hear it.
It just doesn't seem right to let him slip into bed with me like old times. One, because he is dating my sister and two, because I'm not sure exactly what my feelings for him are at the moment. So I settle for letting him sleep on the floor. At least it was better than his own bed, in his own home where World War III was going on.
"Yeah," he agrees finally after a long silence. "I guess so." He pauses for a minute or two. "Are we okay, Hales? You and me?" I can hear the desperation in his voice and it weakens me like always. "I mean…earlier when you said you didn't need me…" his voice trails off.
I exhale. "I didn't say that I didn't need you," I whisper, but loud enough for him to hear. "I just said that I can take care of myself. I'm not a little girl anymore."
He moves around on the floor a little bit before answering. "I know you're not," he sighs. "It's just that…sometimes, I wish that you were." I frown, unable to understand. "You always needed me when you were little. I was like, your protector or something. And I miss that." I can hear the smile in his voice now. "You used to always do the stupidest things…" he laughs "…and I was always there to catch you, you know? I miss that."
"Why?"
"Because it was like someone actually needed me. Like I had a purpose or something," he says.
I turn to my side. "Nathan…" I start but he ignores me and continues to talk.
"You were twelve or so…" he begins "…and it was my fourteenth birthday. Mom and Dad grounded me because they caught me trying to smoke a cigarette," he laughs. "Anyway, you and Taylor decided that I couldn't be grounded on my birthday so you guys decided you were going to sneak me out." The memory dawns on me as he continues to tell it. "Taylor made you climb up the tree and onto the balcony because she didn't want to get her new nails scratched up…" he laughs "…you were afraid of heights but you did as you were told." He laughs again. Taylor did always like to boss me around a bit. "I won't ever forget coming out onto the balcony and finding you dangling there, holding on for dear life. It was the funniest thing ever, but you were terrified." He pauses. "I pulled you up and you hugged me for a good five minutes…then refused to climb back down. Taylor ended up going home and you ended up staying in my room until my parents left and you could go through the front door."
I laugh. "It's the thought that counts, right?"
He sits up so that our eyes can meet. "You're my best friend, Hales. No one gets me like you do. No one cares like you do…" he gives me a sad smile "…or, cared."
"I do care about you," I protest firmly. "Of course I care about you, Nathan. It's just…" I trail off as he looks at me expectantly "…it's nothing."
He reaches out his hand to touch my cheek. "Tell me what it is, Haley. Tell me what I did to make us grow apart because I'll do anything I can to fix it." He looks so vulnerable, so different from the Nathan Scott that everyone sees around school and it prides me to know I'm the one that he shows this to but breaks my heart at the same time.
I close my eyes and I swear that I feel a tear run down my cheek. "You didn't do anything, Nathan." My breathing grows unsteady. "It's me."
He stares at me for a minute and then shakes his head, falling back onto his pillow. "Let me know when you're willing to be honest with me."
My heart breaks at his cold tone.
