So you all officially have permission to hate me forever for witholding already written chapters. I really have no excuse as to why I've been M.I.A. for a while other than people suck. Haha. Anyway, I hope you've stuck with this. I'm sort of in a rut right now with chapter seven but up until then, it should be smooth sailing. Hope you enjoy.

Z

Four.

Kiss of Death

Nathan's confession was all I could think about all weekend.

It was hard to deal with since I had to look at it from three different angles; one as Taylor's sister, the other as Nathan's best friend, and the last one, as me. Taylor's sister pushes for them to stay together because she knows that Taylor, who appears to be desperately in love, would be devastated if she lost him. Nathan's best friend needs to make sure this is really what he wants and that he's not going to regret it later. But the selfish girl in me, well…I want him all to myself and this is a good opportunity for just that.

It makes feel sick to even think about that last thought.

Because I'm not a bad person and though I have my moments, I'm not selfish either. I want everyone around me to be happy, but I want myself to be happy too. Sometimes, you can't please everyone and that just kills me.

It makes decisions all that much tougher.

"Hey stranger," says Peyton as she sits down next to me on the bench in the quad. I had been sitting here for a half an hour or so, staring blankly at my trig homework. Of course, I don't understand my trig homework even on a good day so when I have other things on my mind, it's only that much harder. Peyton smiles sweetly as she puts her backpack down in front of her and retrieves a bottle of water. "How was your weekend?"

I shrug. "Emotionally draining. You?"

She falls back against the back of the bench with her face up at the sky and her eyes closed, turning to me only a couple of seconds later and squinting. "About the same." I question her with a quizzical glance and she sighs, taking a swig from her bottle. "Jake and I are fighting again…we're turning into an old married couple or something. I swear we're turning into how you describe Nathan and Taylor." Jake is her boyfriend of four months. They were already dating when Peyton and I first became friends, but at that time, they were all over each other.

They've been having trouble lately.

"I'm sorry," I sympathize. "You should talk to him, tell him how you feel. Jake's a cool guy…he'll understand."

She smiles in response and looks back up at the sky. "So, what about you? Taylor and Nathan driving you crazy again or something? Are there any new developments I should be aware of?

I shake my head. "Not really," I say dismissively running a hand through my hair and groaning. "God, things just got so complicated when they started dating and now when he tells me he wants to end it with her, I'm not as happy as I thought I would be."

"Of course not," she says, giving me a tight smile. "You're not a bad person."

I shrug. "Can I tell you something?"

She sits up and I can tell she's in full listening mood. "Of course."

I stare back at her, my eyes obviously giving off my ambivalence in whether or not I want to tell her. "I sort of had a kind of epiphany this weekend…" I say. She watches me, waiting for me to continue and the intensity of her stare makes me blush before the words even leave my mouth "…I think I like Nathan as, you know, more than a friend." I scrunch up my nose waiting for her response, which I assume will be a gasp of surprise.

She laughs instead.

"What is so funny?" Brooke asks for me as she approaches and I hide my face in my hands in horror. Peyton just continues to laugh, her head falling into her knees. "What is so funny?" Brooke asks again, looking back and forth between Peyton and me and then sitting down on the other side of me. "One of you better tell me," she demands.

Peyton finally catches her breath, holding onto her chest and covering her hand with her mouth. "Sorry. It's just Haley said she had an epiphany last night." Brooke raises her eyebrow. "She likes Nathan."

Brooke bursts out laughing too and Peyton joins her again.

"That's not funny!" I growl. How great is it that they're mocking me after I so vulnerably put myself out there and admitted something that I'm not sure I should have?

"It's a little funny," Brooke says, finally pulling herself together and placing her arm on my shoulder. "Hunny, we could have told you that. Hell, I knew that the second I met you. Haley likes Nathan. It's one of those things that goes without saying." She shrugs, grabbing Peyton's water bottle and taking a swig of her own.

"That's not true!" I protest. "I didn't feel this way until a couple of days ago."

Brooke rolls her eyes. "Oh please."

"I'm serious!" I whine but neither pays attention to me. "Can you guys stop laughing at me for one second? It's great that you knew before I did but I really have a problem here, okay? Nathan's going to dump Taylor and I feel guilty."

Brooke rolls her eyes. "Why the hell would you feel guilty?" She scoffs. "You didn't do anything, Haley. It's not like you made a pass at him or anything…he just isn't feeling her anymore. Not your fault." She says it so simply, like it's so obvious or something but I can't help but feel like there is more to it than that.

Maybe it's not my fault technically but it's like if you were to wish for someone to get hurt or something and then the next day they do. It's just some odd coincidence, right? But you can't help but still feel guilty for thinking such things in the first place.

I lean back onto the bench. "I don't know what to do. If I don't push for her, I'll feel like a bad sister but if I do, I'm being a hypocrite because this is all I wanted since the day Taylor told me they were dating." I stare up at the sky. "I'm so f ucked."

"Who did you f uck?" I look up to find Taylor and Nathan standing in front of the three of us. The comment of course, was made by Taylor, not Nathan.

"No one," I sigh, holding up the palm of my hand and using as it as visor to shield the sun as I stare back at her. Nathan has his arm around her as they stand there staring at me and Brooke pokes me in the ribs. I shoot her a look and she shrugs innocently. "What's up?" I ask Taylor.

She seems to have forgiven me for the other day in the dressing room. We never really talked about it so I figure she wanted to just drop it, which is okay by me. "Just wanted to say hi to my baby sister and friends."

"You remember Brooke and Peyton, right?" I ask. It seems weird that my new friends haven't formally met my sister but it's because at the time, all I wanted to do was get away from her. We just hung out at their houses and occasionally mine when Taylor wasn't home. I'm sure they thought it was weird at first, but then they heard the situation and they understood.

"Of course," Taylor smiles but I can see the obvious jealousy in her eyes. She thinks that Brooke and Peyton have taken her place. Of course, this is not true but I can see how she could think so. "You guys know Nathan?"

They nod and both simultaneously bump my hips. I roll my eyes at them and try and focus on Taylor and Nathan, or more Taylor than Nathan. "We had a class together last year," Peyton tells Nathan. "You never really showed up, but you were in it…technically."

He gives her a tight smile but I can see him tensing up beside Taylor. "I remember."

"Well, I should get to class…" Brooke announces loudly after an awkward silence. Brooke doesn't do well with silence period, much less when it's awkward. "…to you know, study and stuff. I hear that's cool or something. You coming, Goldilocks?" She shoots Peyton the most obvious look in the world and I'm positive that both Nathan and Taylor catch it. "Nice seeing you again, Taylor." She nods at her. "Nathan." Both girls walk away, linking arms and I hear Peyton quietly scolding her.

I try not to laugh.

"They're an interesting bunch," Taylor laughs, sitting down next to me. Nathan continues to stand awkwardly and I have a feeling it has to do with the fact that he doesn't know if I'll tell Taylor about his little revelation the other night. I think part of him knows I wouldn't do that to him but part of him is probably worried that I will tell Taylor for the sake of her well being. The bell rings and she stands up suddenly. "Sh!t," she exclaims, and I raise an eyebrow, "I forgot to hand my paper in to Mr. Carter." She rolls her eyes in the back of her head. "I'm so dead."

I shake my head and salute her casually as she walks away. "See you later." I turn to look up at Nathan and smile weakly. "I'm not going to tell her if that's what you're worried about."

He furrows his brow. "What makes you think I'm worried?"

I roll my eyes. "We may not be on the best of terms right now but I know you probably better than anyone. You're worried I'm going to tell Taylor that you're thinking of breaking up with her – which is a huge mistake, by the way – but I'm not going to. You should know me well enough to know that I don't go blabbing things that aren't any of my business…" I smile innocently "…most of time."

He nods and sits down next to me, still looking forward and nowhere near me. "I didn't think you would…it's just, look…you're right. I thought it through and I don't know what I was thinking…Taylor's great, I'm lucky to have her."

I freeze momentarily. "Oh," I bite my lip, "well then, that's great." I nod profusely. "I'm really glad." I'm hoping I sound enthusiastic but I know that I probably don't. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself; I need to make up my mind and figure out what the hell it is that I want. "That's – that's good," I say again.

He looks over at me and then stands back up. "I just wanted to tell you, you know, in case you were worried or something."

I swallow. "Thanks."

He nods. "See you around."

I force the fakest smile of my life and mirror his nod. "Yeah, I'll see you later."

I've stopped trying to ditch Taylor. After everything that happened the other day between us, I figured it best to just stick around more; for her sake. So when she told me she was getting take-out Chinese and I was welcome to join, I agreed. After all, Mom left to meet up with Dad and Taylor hates being alone.

I figure I owe her at least this much.

But it's obvious that we are not going to be alone when the doorbell rings after Taylor leaves. On the other side of the door is Nathan, who had apparently misplaced his key. My mom gave Nathan a key when he was thirteen because she said she was tired of having him sneak in the window. She loved Nathan like her own son, I think even more than she loved Taylor and I.

It's kind of sad.

"Nathan," I say, surprised. "Tay didn't say you were coming over."

He shrugs and gives me a grin that I see as forced. "Aren't I always over?"

I should have thought about that. "Yeah, of course. I just thought…" I pause and shake my head, giving him a smile "…come on in." I open the door wider and allow him to make his way in. I follow him to the living room and the two of us stand there awkwardly.

God this is getting so repetitive.

"So," he says, finally sitting down on the couch. "Good day at school?"

I raise an eyebrow and frown. "Yes, mother."

He laughs. "Sorry, I'm no good with small talk."

I roll my eyes and fall down onto the couch next to him. "I know."

He turns to me and smiles. "Of course you do." He gets that far off look in his eyes that I've seen happen so many times before and I try desperately to place where it is he's gone off to. Maybe his parents are fighting again, or maybe he's still confused about Taylor. Whatever it is, I can't read it like I used to be able to. "So listen, Haley…" he sighs "…I want to talk about the other night."

"Nathan…" I protest, rolling my eyes. There is no way I'm going there with him again, I'm not sure I have the energy for it.

He puts his hand up to stop me. "No, I'm not going to get mad at you. I just wanted to apologize." He laughs at my bewildered expression. "I know that things have been bad for us lately, especially for me because I've been so confused as to why it's happening but I trust that you're doing all of this for a reason and I respect you enough to just…let it go." He gives me a crooked smile. "You're important to me, Haley…and I don't want to do anything to push you away even more so…"

I study him for a second. "Thanks," I say finally but he just nods in response. "That means a lot to me."

"And what I said about Lucas…" he starts, looking down at his hands as he picks at his nails. It's a nervous habit that I've noticed he's had since he was a little boy. "Hang out with him, date him…whatever. It's none of my business and I'm sorry that I was being a little harsh about that."

"I'm not dating him," I confirm. "Lucas is not my type."

"You don't have a type," he says, squinting his eyes and staring out into space; thinking. He suddenly laughs. "You've liked pretty much every kind of guy out there."

"That's not true!" I whine.

He rolls his eyes. "Oh, it's so true. Musicians, athletes, nerds…" he says, counting off on his fingers.

"Craig was not a nerd!" I protest.

He narrows his eyes at me, a smirk on his lips. "I was talking about Joseph, who the hell is Craig?"

I furrow my brow and tilt my head to the side. "Oh yea, Joseph kind of was a nerd…but it wasn't his fault."

"I rest my case," he shrugs, kicking back and laying his feet on the coffee table in front of us. We laugh for a moment until he finally looks at me and stops. "You never dated any of them though."

I'm not very experienced for my age. I've only kissed two people in my life. My first was Tom Matthews and he was Nathan's friend. I couldn't have been any older than thirteen. He was a year older but he thought I was cute according to Taylor. We were behind the school one day after his basketball practice when he just leaned in and kissed me, right on the lips. It was sweet and simple and the only bad thing was that Nathan yelled at him five seconds later.

The other was Brooke and it was about a month ago or so. She was drunk and a couple guys dared us too. I was ready to refuse when I felt her tongue down my throat. I'm kidding. It was much like my first kiss except it was sloppier since she was completely smashed. She was mortified when I reminded her of it the next morning.

I look away from Nathan and shrug. "None of them were interested in me."

"Oh please," he scoffs. "You are so one of those girls…"

"One of what girls?" I ask, turning to face him with a challenging grin on my face. It feels good to be at ease around Nathan again, even if I know it's just for a minute or two. Any moment Taylor is going to walk in that door and I'm going to get a serious reality check.

I can't crush on my sister's boyfriend.

"One of those girls who is swooned over by tons of guys but she still doesn't think she has anything to offer because she doesn't see what we see when she looks in the mirror." He raises his brow, challenging me to call him wrong. I don't say anything, just blush like a little girl. "You're beautiful, Haley. And you're smart…witty…kind of annoying sometimes and you can be pretty dramatic in certain situations…come to think of it, you're kind of sensitive but…"

I hit him in the shoulder as he laughs innocently. "You just totally ruined it," I smile behind my pout.

He stops and takes a deep breath. "I'm serious though, Haley…you're amazing and sometimes I wish you saw what everyone else does when they look at you."

I don't answer him for a second or two, just stare back at him and wonder how God could give him a perfect body and a perfect heart. "That's the nicest thing everyone has ever said to me," I say and he just stares back at me. "Thank you, Nathan."

He puts his arm around me and pulls me closer toward him. "Anything to see you smile and know that I caused it…" I know it sounds cheesy and that is my initial reaction but he says it with that trademark grin of his that makes my heart melt even with a cheap line like that. It's why he's so perfect.

Anything he says can turn me to goo.

I bury my head in the crook of his neck and I realize I had forgotten what it felt like to be this close to Nathan. I had always found comfort in being around him when I was little. The warmth of his hug was something I craved as a little girl.

It was pretty unhealthy, I suppose.

"Nathan," I say in a muffled voice, still buried into him.

He tightens his grip on me. "Yeah?"

"Are you sure that everything is okay with Taylor?" I ask, retracting my head from the crook of his neck and looking up at him so that our faces are only inches apart. "I mean…you really changed your mind about what you said the other night?" The way it comes out, I'm sure it sounds like I want to make sure that they're okay but I know that in reality, I'm almost hoping that he's going to tell me something different; somehow give me the answer I'm looking for.

I just don't know what that answer is yet.

I'm so close that I can see my reflection in his eyes. "Taylor's great…" he says "…beautiful, smart, down to earth..." he laughs softly and it's kind of a half laugh, half sigh "…I've had a crush on her ever since I was a little kid." He raises his eyebrow at me, "this you know."

I nod.

"But something's missing, Haley…and no matter what I do to try and fill whatever void there is, I can't…" I feel him pull away a little bit; both physically and emotionally "…it's complicated."

I bite my lip and look down, trying to understand. When I look back up, it's obvious that he is concentrating on my lips and it gives me a chill that I can't explain. I rub them together self consciously, averting my eyes. It's completely silent and I can't think of a single thing to say. I dare to look back up at him as his eyes move from my lips to meet my gaze. "I want to kiss you," he whispers, so softly that I can almost swear it was a figment of my imagination.

My eyes widen in surprise at Nathan's sudden revelation but I don't do anything to stop him as he moves in closer, staring me dead in the eye. I watch his eyelids flicker closed as I feel his breath hot on my own. I don't react to his lips on mine at first; I don't even close my eyes but as I hear him moan into my mouth, I can't help but give in.

It's Nathan.

His hands move up to my neck and then through my hair which thankfully I straightened earlier this evening. If my hair was normal his hands would have gotten caught it a million knots and how embarrassing would that be? My hand moves to his chest and I can feel his heart beating rapidly; it makes me smile into the kiss. He tastes better than I could have ever imagined and the way he touches me makes it even more special. His hands are so gentle, so smooth as he moves them from my back to the front where he slips his fingers under my shirt and on to my skin to make full contact.

My eyes flicker open.

"Oh my god!" I gasp, my hand flying to my mouth. "Oh my god!"

He looks taken back but I'm sure reality hits him seconds later because he closes his eyes and lets out a long sigh. His palm rises to his forehead. "Don't freak out, Haley…" he pleads softly but I was never one to listen and he knows this.

"What do you mean, don't freak out?" I scream back at him. "I just kissed my best friend and if that's not a big deal, my sister's boyfriend!" I stand up, moving as far away from him as I can but still remaining in the room. "Oh my god, I'm a whore."

He laughs and I shoot a glare in his direction as he says, "Haley…you've kissed one person in your life…well two now…I hardly think that classifies you as a whore."

"Three actually," I snarl. "And I'm pretty sure that kissing your sister's boyfriend makes you a whore in the girl code," I say in a harsh whisper.

He honestly doesn't seem to be focusing on the fact that he just cheated on his girlfriend because he disregards anything that has to do with Taylor. "Three? Who was the third?"

I roll my eyes. "Like that's relevant right now, Nathan!"

He throws his hands up in defeat. "Just calm down, Haley…"

"I will not calm down!" I shriek. "How can you not be freaking out about this?"

He just shakes his head, gets up from the couch and leaves, refusing to say another word. I stand completely still in the living room as I hear the door open and Taylor singing that the food has arrived.

Perfect timing, sister.