Five.

The Reality of the Situation.

When I woke up this morning, I was sure that the kiss was simply a figment of my imagination. After all, that is usually what happens when something so out of the blue, so unexpected happens to you and you don't know exactly what to make of it. All of it was, still is, sort of foggy in my memory and I can't even remember exactly how it went about happening.

All I know is that as of now, I feel guilty as hell about it.

There is no doubt in my mind that cheating is wrong, and even though technically Nathan is the one that cheated, I feel even dirtier than I'm sure he does. Because Taylor is my sister, my blood; she's the girl who though pushed me around at times as a little kid, always had my back.

She's the girl that beat up Marcy Dixon when she pushed me off the swing.

And how do I repay her? I kiss her boyfriend! How great of a person am I? Not only do I feel guilty but I feel like I deserve to be smacked across the face. Maybe I didn't initiate it, but I didn't stop it either and most importantly, I wanted it.

I wanted it so bad.

Dinner after the kiss was awkward but I don't think Taylor realized why that was exactly. I think she was still caught up in the awkwardness that consumed us before, when I was avoiding the two of them with a reason unbeknownst to them. She didn't realize that the reason Nathan and I refused to look each other in the eye was because we had kissed only seconds before she had come home. To her, it was the normal that she had grown accustomed to.

To me, it was a whole new world of lies.

"Haley?" Poor Lucas has been sitting there patiently, silent as I collect my thoughts. We've been sitting in my room for an hour or so and while he studies, I just simply space out and do what I do best, overanalyze. "Haley?

I blink profusely at him and rub at my eyes. "Sorry. What were you saying?"

He drops his pencil in his textbook, closes it and throws it on the bed beside me. He sits on my desk chair and I sit cross legged on the bed. He squints at me thoughtfully. "Something's off about you, Hales. What happened?

I shake my head and try to act baffled. "What are you talking about?"

He laughs lightly and pulls the palms of his hands behind his head as he leans back. "You've been acting weird all day, Haley. You keep spacing out and though I know that is just something you do, it's been different today. You're all over the place."

I shrug and flash an apologetic smile his way. "I'm just tired…it's been a long day." This of course, is the easiest way out of the conversation that we will probably end up having. It's how you cover up your feelings, you just say you're tired and normally, it will be dropped. Either because the other person is oblivious or because they know you don't want to talk about it.

He rolls his eyes. "I don't buy it." He says. "Tell me what happened. Is it Taylor?"

I study him for a second, trying to find a way to back out of this but finding none. "Partly. I don't know, it's not a big deal." Of course it is a big deal, a huge deal, but I am not in the mood to discuss this with Lucas, or anyone for that matter. It makes me feel like too much of a horrible person. I didn't even tell Brooke and Peyton today at school, though I know they'd be excited. For me, it's just hard to be excited about the kiss with Nathan when it's also the thing that is going to ultimately disconnect me from my sister.

"Apparently it is a big deal," he says, sitting up and reaching for my thigh to rub soothingly. Lucas has always been good at comfort. He has this sort of macho exterior that was the only thing I saw when I first met him but beneath the surface, he's just as sensitive as me. "Come on, Hales. It's me…" he smiles comfortingly "…I'm not going to judge you."

I shake my head. "I'd rather not, Lucas. I'm sorry."

He frowns and gets this look on his face that I'm not really sure how to go about reading. "It's Nathan," he says knowingly. He closes his eyes and shakes his head. I think he's aware of my deal with Nathan only because he always gets that knowing look in his eyes every time his name comes up.

"Luke…" I protest.

He finally relents, throwing his hands up in the air in surrender. "Okay, okay. But sitting there and overanalyzing is just going to make things worse…you and I both know this."

"I just don't want to talk about it, Luke…" I say, and I can feel my voice starting to sound irritated. I know there is absolutely no reason to be getting mad at him but I hate that he's prying. "Not now, okay?"

Not ever.

Because talking about it makes it all the more real and right now, I want to just pretend like it never happened. As badly as I wanted it and as much as I crave the taste of his lips, it was wrong and it was a mistake. It shouldn't have happened, regardless of how I feel about him. Besides, I know he's probably thinking it was a mistake too. How could he not?

Its Taylor he wants.

But he did say something was missing, didn't he? Maybe he's just confused. He and Taylor have always been off and on. He's probably just going through a faze. He's never been a one girl kind of guy and he's probably just running off scared like any other guy in his situation would do. I'm just the girl that's supposed to change his mind, to tell him to go back to his girlfriend because he loves her.

That's what happens in the movies, right?

I hear footsteps coming up the stairs and I look away from Lucas' pleading eyes to the open door where Taylor stumbles in. Her eyes are tainted with mascara and filled with water just begging to fall onto her cheeks. My eyes widen at the sight of her and I can't help but just stare at her openly with a million things rushing through my mind. I open my mouth to speak but I realize I don't know what to say.

She looks over at Lucas and smiles awkwardly. "Hi Lucas," she says in a helpless whisper. I don't even take my eyes off of her to witness Lucas' reaction; I'm too stunned and too curious to figure out what is going on. She looks back over at me. "I need you Hay," she says before breaking off into a heartbreaking sob.

I finally look over at Lucas as he gets up out of his chair and stuffs his books into his backpack. He smiles at Taylor warmly and then looks back over at me. "I promised Brooke I'd hang out with her anyway. I'll see you later. Bye Taylor." I smile at him thankfully but don't bother to see him out, I simply look back at my helpless older sister.

Taylor never cries. My whole life she was the one telling me not to cry because it makes you look weak. And here she is, crying. It's something I was sure I'd never see in my lifetime and that is why I know that whatever it is, it's something big.

Really big.

"What's wrong Tay?" I ask as she comes over to my bed. "Tell me what happened, baby." I wrap my arms around her and pull her next to me on the bed as she sobs onto my shoulder. Her breathing is unsteady and loud and I can feel her tears on my skin. "Shhh…it's okay. Just tell me what's wrong, we'll fix it."

She shakes her head. "We can't. He doesn't want me."

I flinch involuntarily because immediately I know what she's talking about. Of course this has to do with Nathan, I don't know why that wasn't my initial reaction. Taylor is vulnerable when it comes to Nathan. She never had been when they were just friends but when they started dating, that vulnerability I never knew she had in her was something I could see clearly. She really loves him.

Just when I thought I couldn't feel any guiltier, here I am.

"Nathan?" I whisper and when I feel her nod I inhale a long, deep breath. "What happened, Tay? What did he do?"

"It's over…" she sobs "…like, really over. He pulled the whole it's not you it's me speech on me and every idiot knows that's just so he won't feel guilty. God, Hay…what am I gonna do? I don't understand it." She looks up at me with those mascara stained eyes and pleads with me to give her an answer but I know that I'm in no position to do that.

I can't believe he broke up with her. That is the last thing I had expected him to do. What happened to the whole story I had cooked up? About me being the girl that reminds him how much he really loves Taylor? And what about the whole speech he gave me that day at school on the bench about how he had thought it through, and he was going to try harder.

"You're going to be okay," I tell her. "Of course you're going to be okay. It's you, Tay. Miss independent, remember? You don't need him." She doesn't look convinced, not in the least and I wish I could say something to make it better. I wish I could do something to make her stop looking at me like that but I know that nothing is that simple.

This is totally my fault.

"I'm so pathetic," she mumbles, getting up from the bed and moving toward my mirror on the door leading to the bathroom. She laughs bitterly at her reflection and then wipes at the mascara under her eyes before running a hand through her hair. "Look at me. This is ridiculous."

"It's okay to be upset," I tell her from across the room. "It's perfectly normal."

"I don't want to be normal," she says, still looking at her reflection. "I'm not normal, Haley. Remember? It's me…I don't pull sh!t like this, I don't cry." She's angry now but I know it's not at me, though maybe it should be. She's mad at herself; angry that she's crying over some guy. "I don't cry," she says again but this time it's even less convincing than the first because she breaks into a chorus of sobs and covers her face with her hands. "I don't want to be the girl that cries over her boyfriend."

"Its okay," I assure her, getting up from my seat on the bed and moving over to wrap my arms around her. "I know how much Nathan means to you." I feel like a terrible person when I say this because I do know how much he means to her, and I knew it when I kissed him.

"Meant to me," she amends. "He means nothing to me now."

"Come on, Taylor…" I say helplessly "…it's okay to still love him." I feel so phony as I try to comfort her. I feel like I should just come out and say it all right now, come out and tell her that Nathan and I kissed the other night. But I know that it will only make her cry harder and that is not something I want to witness.

Ever.

She closes her eyes and a couple more tears escape. "It's weird…" she says "…we were always fighting. I mean, part of me knew it wouldn't last but part of me thought we were strong enough." She places her palms on the side of her head and shakes it. "I hate this. Now I have a headache."

I let out a short laugh and smile. "That's what happens when you cry."

She sighs, "I had forgotten."

She falls asleep on my bed an hour or so later after I try to coax her into a relaxing slumber. Whenever I would cry as a little girl, or even now, sleeping always helped. It was always soothing and when I woke up, though nothing was better, I could at least think straight.

Because in the heat of the moment, you can't talk yourself out of feeling the way you do.

After she's been asleep for a good fifteen minutes or so, I tip toe out of my room and slip on my shoes, grabbing Taylor's keys and heading out the door. There's someone I need to see. He's the only one who can give me the answers I need right now. Part of me wants to strangle him for hurting her but the other part of me wants to ask him calmly and rationally why it is he did it, so then maybe I can find some sort of understanding about the kiss.

I wasn't going to ask. In fact, I was ready to just let it go all together externally. I thought maybe if we pretended like it didn't happen, we'd end up okay. I didn't talk to him all day and I was planning on avoiding him as long as possible but here I am, at his house.

Because I need answers.

He opens the door but doesn't say anything.

Nathan has this stare that always manages to make me avert my eyes. It's so intense and so deep and concentrated that it's intimidating. I find myself forcing myself to look him in the eye but when I do, there's always this fear inside me. Sometimes, mostly when I was younger, it made me feel important, but now as I realize my newfound feelings for him, it scares me to death.

Because it's like he can see through me.

"We need to talk," I say firmly, trying to sound sure. Of course, as I say this my right hand is playing with Taylor's keys nervously.

He sighs and groans at the same time, running a hand through his hair and then onto his forehead. "I had a feeling this might happen," he says and I can tell his voice is tired but at this point, I don't really care. "Maybe you should come in."

"I don't know if that's such a good idea," I say, lingering on the porch. "I left Taylor at home and she's in pretty bad shape." I don't want her to wake up to an empty house, especially when she's probably feeling more lonely than ever. Maybe I shouldn't be the one to comfort her, considering the situation and all, but right now, she has no one.

Her ditzy friends have never been the consoling kind.

He doesn't say anything and I can tell he's thinking really hard. He always gets that far off look in his eyes and it's like he's looking at you but doesn't really see you. "Is she okay?" He asks in a low whisper, barely audible.

"What do you think, Nathan?" I ask in a somewhat sharp tone. "You just cut her off without explanation…obviously she's not going to take that well." I raise my brow and look at him pointedly. "She's a mess."

He looks down at his shoes and then back up at me, nodding. "I don't want to hurt her." He's being sincere. I know Nathan well enough to know when he really means what he's saying and it's obvious to me that he cares about her. "But I don't want to lead her on, either." He shakes his head dismissively and then gives me a pleading look. "Come inside," he says and when I start to object he adds, "please."

I look back at the car in the driveway and then turn to face him again. "Only for a second," I say decisively. I know that following Nathan inside is something I shouldn't be doing because not only do I have Taylor waiting at home, but I shouldn't be here in the first place. My relationship with Nathan is too weird right now and too complicated. The naïve part of me believes this will help untangle the issues but in reality, I know this is just going to make things worse.

I follow him up the stairs and into his room. I haven't been here in months but it still looks exactly the same. Probably because he hasn't touched it since then. He usually spent his nights at my house with Taylor. There are still the posters of Michael Jordan, his hero, on the door leading to his bathroom and he still has a mini basketball hoop on the front door where he beat me at countless games of one on one. It's all the same, but it feels different to me.

It feels like I'm not supposed to be here.

He sits down at the foot of his bed with the small basketball to the mini hoop in his hand while I remain at the door. "So you ignored me all day," he says.

I shake my head. "I wasn't ignoring you."

He scoffs. "Avoiding me, then."

I inhale a deep long breath and look around the room to buy time. "I'm sorry," I say finally in a low whisper. "It's just…weird, okay? It's weird. I know that it was just a stupid kiss and it meant nothing but that's new for us. We've never really gone there before…in all these years."

"And now that we have?" He questions.

"I'm just…confused," I say honestly. I subconsciously move closer to him, taking a seat on the bed next to him so that we're parallel to each other. "You didn't break up with Taylor because of the kiss, right?" I ask. "Please tell me that."

"I told you before," he says, "there was something missing with Taylor."

"But you never said you were going to break up with her," I try to reason. "You just said you were having doubts, I thought you were going to think them through."

"I thought it was implied…" he shrugs.

"Nathan you love her…" I say, turning so that our faces are in front of each other but our bodies are still parallel.

"I know I do," he says, trying to make me understand. "It was never about whether or not I loved Taylor…I will always love Taylor." He looks away briefly and sighs before looking back at me. "I just don't think I'm in love with her Haley. And there is nothing you can do to change that…"

I feel the need to push Taylor but I know that it's not logical when I wanted them to break up in the first place. It's just that seeing Taylor the way she was, seeing her so broken and so lonely, it made me nearly forget that I wanted Nathan. I need Taylor to be happy; I won't know what to do with myself if she isn't.

I have to forget about him.

"Don't you remember who you were before you started dating?" I ask, scoffing. "You had a different bed warmer every night. I bet you can't even count how many girls you slept with." I find that my voice is harsh and I can't seem to stop it. "You had commitment issues and you had no respect for any of the girls you took to bed…" He interrupts me before I can finish.

"Is that what you thought of me?" He throws back, standing up from the bed and turning around to face me with a glare.

I roll my eyes. "It's how you were, Nathan. You can try and deny it all you want but you and I both know that you have had sex with half of the Tree Hill population."

"Do you have a point, Haley?" He growls, obviously annoyed.

"Don't go back to that, Nathan. Don't be that guy again. You were a better guy when you were with Taylor." I know this is true. Maybe I wasn't around much but I knew in a single glance at him that this had changed him. Dating Taylor had taken him away from the parties and the sex with faceless girls. As much as it kills me to know he changed for her I admit it.

"How would you know?" He says in a harsh voice. "You were never around, remember?"

I suck in a breath and glare at him, standing up so that we are inches apart. "You know what, I'm sorry I tried. If you want to fall back to your old routine and f uck a different girl every night, that's your prerogative." I scoff. "I'm sorry I ever thought you were better than that."

I storm out of the room and run down the stairs. Nathan runs after me and I can tell from the softness of his voice that he knows he shouldn't have yelled at me. "Haley…wait," he pleads but I continue to descend down the stairs and then out the door to my car. "Damn it Haley, I'm sorry…will you please just stop?"

I stop, but it takes me more than a few seconds to pivot around. When I do, I stare at him with tired eyes. "What do you want me to say, Nathan? Because I came over to talk to you about Taylor and you obviously don't want to hear it."

"Is that really why you came over, though?" He asks softly, taking a few steps toward me. He's not smirking, nor is he even grinning. But I know that it's taking everything in him not to because Nathan Scott loves it when he's right. And he knows he's right.

Because he knows me.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I say, shrugging my shoulders dramatically. "I came because Taylor is crushed, and it is my duty as her sister to at least put up a fight for her."

He shakes his head. "You didn't come over here to talk to me about Taylor," he says. "Maybe that's what you convinced yourself you were coming over to do. But we both know that you want to talk about last night." He raises his eyebrow. "I'm right, aren't I?"

"No," I throw out, turning around to head toward my car. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Well I do!" He shouts out after me from the same spot I had left him. "That doesn't happen with us, Haley. I've kissed a lot of girls and it's been no big a deal, but with you it is…because we have history."

"And because you had a girlfriend at the time!" I hiss back, my hair flipping as I turn around to glare at him. "Taylor James. Remember her? My sister!"

He rolls his eyes. "Why are you yelling at me, Haley? You kissed me back!"

I immediately look around nervously as he yells the last part because I know we can be heard next door and across the street. I grab his arm and pull him back into the house and up the stairs, returning to where we had come from in the first place. "Are you crazy?" I say finally, smacking him in the chest. "People could have heard you!"

"Well obviously you didn't because you haven't answered me!" He shouts, his eyes filled with fire as he stares at me intensely. "Why are you blaming me for all of this?"

I immediately feel myself loosening up as an exhausted feeling creeps up on me. "I don't blame you," I whisper. "You're right, I kissed you back. But I was confused. I wasn't thinking straight."

He continues to bore into me. "So it was a mistake then?" He asks, more calmly.

I nod but refuse to say it out loud.

"Do mistakes happen twice?" He asks.

I frown. "What?"

Before I can process anything, his face moves considerably closer and his lips are instantly on mine before I can react. It's different than the first time because it feels more familiar. When he pulls away he looks into my eyes, waiting for me to say something, anything.

But I don't.

So he kisses me again, with more want and more passion and this time, I part my lips to allow entry for his tongue. When his fingers make contact with my bare skin, I don't snap back to reality. Maybe I should, but I don't. Because in the moment, I'm not thinking about Taylor or any of the other reasons why this is wrong, I'm just thinking about me, selfishly.

I allow him to push me onto the bed and he falls on top of me but I don't get crushed like I would have imagined. He slips his hand between me and the bed and then slowly begins to pull up my shirt with one hand while unbuckling my belt with the other.

"This is so wrong," I whisper but still make no attempt to stop him. I can't make myself do that when this is what I want.

He takes his lips away from mine and moves them to my ear. "I don't care," he whispers and his voice sends shivers up and down my spine.

"I don't want to care," I say, breathing heavy.

"Then don't," he says and I laugh inwardly at how easy he it makes it sound.

I don't pull away, but I do care. I know it's wrong. In the back of my mind, that's what I'm thinking about. Taylor. But I try to push that aside because I can't pull away. It's terrible to think that I'm choosing Nathan over my own sister but I know that one day, Taylor will forgive me; eventually.

I may never get this opportunity with Nathan again.

He kisses me all over, discarding my shirt and belt somewhere along the way. I take off his clothes timidly and I can tell that he's amused by my wariness. I'm cautious with every move. After all, this is pretty much my first experience with all this. My first kiss would not even be classified as making out and I try not to count Brooke.

He helps me pull his shirt over his head and then takes off his pants himself, leaving the both of us in only our underwear. I'm conscious of my vulnerability and I can feel my face turning red but thankfully his room is very dim. As his hands reach around to the clasp of my bra I involuntarily gulp. He kisses me seconds later and I can feel myself trying to give in. I can't help the awkwardness of the situation but I don't want to stop it either. I sort of like this feeling, wondering what is going to come next. His hand slips back around and the bra falls off. I subconsciously reach up to cover myself but he pulls my hands away and smiles into the kiss. "Don't be nervous…" he whispers.

But I can't help it. I can't help but wonder what is going through his mind. Does he not realize how much more this means to me than it does to him? Does he not realize that I have feelings for him? Is it just sex? "Nathan…" I start to protest but he silences me with more kisses before traveling downward. "Oh God," I moan and I feel the most ridiculous giggle release from my lips.

When he moves back up to my lips he cups my breast in one hand and with the other, guides my hand downward, underneath his boxers. It's a minute or two later that he reaches over to his nightstand, his lips still attached to mine, and pulls out a box of condoms. We're moving fast, really fast and if it were anyone else, I'm sure I would protest. But Nathan is being so gentle and so sweet and I can't help but feel safe.

After all, I've known him all my life.

He pulls back for a second and studies me. "Haley, you haven't…" he pauses and I know what he's asking. I know that he wants to know if I'm still a virgin or not and I feel my face go red before he even says anything. I'm embarrassed to tell him and I almost want to lie. Most girls my age lost their virginity a year or so ago and here I am, the girl who had only kissed one boy before now.

And one girl, but I try to rid myself of the drunken Brooke memory.

I look him back in the eye briefly before averting my eyes. "I haven't."

He nods and I can't exactly read the look in his eyes like I wish I could. I've never been this desperate to know what someone is thinking and it scares me. The effect he's had on me in the last couple of days is scaring me to death. "Maybe we shouldn't," he says finally in a soft whisper. "I don't want to push you."

He starts to get up but I pull him back down on top of me immediately. "You're not."

He just stares at me and I have no idea what to say. Finally he smiles sadly and leans back into kiss me gently on the lips, but only for a second. "But I am."

I feel more rejected than ever before and I just want to break down into tears right then and there but I don't. Instead, I inhale a deep breath and then get off the bed, closing my eyes and willing the tears to keep from falling. I don't say anything as I put my clothes back on and leave. I don't even look at him. I just simply walk out the door and head to Taylor's car. It's not until I get home and see Taylor sleeping peacefully on my bed that I break down and cry.

Because suddenly, reality sinks in.