If Only You Wanted Me the Way He Does
I don't know how anyone could possibly be so clueless, especially Nathan when it comes to me since he is supposed to know me better than I know myself. I mean I practically told him that I liked him and he still couldn't seem to grasp the concept. Why else would I have been crushed over his rejection of me the other night? Clearly that was what I was expressing, right? Maybe he sees it, but he wants to pretend like he doesn't because he thinks it will simply go away over time.
God I hope he's right.
My biggest concern right now should be Taylor and how I'm going to somehow justify my kiss –or kisses - with Nathan but instead, here I am overanalyzing more than friendly feelings for Nathan and wondering why he can't like me like he did Taylor.
This should be the least of my worries.
"Okay, so tell me again what he said after you told him that you were sorry you weren't Taylor…" Peyton says, her eyes squinting into the distance as she thinks as hard as she can.
It's Lunch on Monday and I have successfully avoided Nathan, Taylor is still clueless and Peyton and Brooke are trying to milk every last detail out of me. I pray Lucas will come save me but I remember him mentioning something about working in the library all through Lunch on some paper. So here I am, sitting out in the quad with two very push ladies by my side.
I sigh. "Do we really need to go over this again? I really just want to forget the conversation ever took place…"
"Haley, Haley, Haley…" Brooke chirps from the other side of me, latching her arm around mine and looking me dead in the eye "…we are here to help you reanalyze your overanalyzing and if you didn't have us here to do just that, you would be completely helpless by now so I suggest you shut up and listen to goldilocks." When I glare in response, she sticks out her tongue and then smiles innocently. "Tell P. Sawyer what he said…" she urges, giving me a nudge in the side.
"He said that he doesn't want me to be Taylor and that had nothing to do with why he pulled away…or something like that, I don't know, I really don't want to talk about this." I sigh, burying my head in my hands as I lean forward.
"And what was his reasoning for pulling away?"
"He said that he knew I would regret it later." I scoff and fall back on to the back of the bench with a dramatic sigh. "Can you believe that? He thinks he knows me so goddamn well and it's really starting to piss me off…"
"You do regret it, Haley…" Brooke points out.
"Yeah well we could have at least gone all the way and then my regret would be worthwhile," I joke, laughing to myself in that pathetic way that really just sounds depressing. "This is so ridiculous. How did I end up like this? Nathan thinks I'm a raving lunatic and Taylor is going to somehow find out about all of this and she's going to give me what I probably deserve anyway."
"You like him…" Brooke reasons sympathetically "…and it's hard to pull away from the guy you like when he puts the opportunity out on the table." Brooke is a lot smarter than people give her credit for. Maybe she doesn't have straight A's, or even straight B's but she understands the things that count. "If I was you, I would have kissed him back too…" she furrows her brow and looks away for a second "…and I would wear that really hot jean skirt I bought you last year to school everyday."
"Why didn't you buy it for yourself?" Peyton asks.
"I did," she whines. "But I had forgotten to get you a birthday present so I decided to sacrifice it in order to not be the worst friend in the entire world." She pouts. "I want it back now."
I roll my eyes. "Take it, you loser, I don't even wear it!"
She beams at me. "I knew I liked you for some reason."
"It's way too skanky for me anyway," I say, trying to stifle a laugh and sending a wink over to Peyton.
Brooke frowns. "You are so not my friend anymore."
We're in the middle of a conversation when I suddenly feel Taylor's presence behind me. We've always had this freaky twin thing going on. Even though we're more than a year apart, I've always been able to sense when she's near…or know when she's upset. "Hey little sis," she says quietly, obviously forcing a smile. "Can I sit with you guys?"
"Of course," I exclaim, grabbing her tray from her so she can climb around and sit in between Peyton and I. "What's up?"
She sighs. "Nothing really. Sorry to barge in on your conversation but I couldn't stay around those cheerleaders another second. I feel like I lost a couple million brain cells just sitting and eating with them." She laughs lightly. "Usually all I had to do was focus on Nathan but now…well, you know." She looks so lost and so exhausted and it's like her emotions wear off on me because suddenly I feel the same.
"It's no problem," Brooke chimes in, sensing my sudden mood change. "I was just telling Haley that I'm stealing her skirt."
Taylor laughs halfheartedly and I know it's fake but I'm not sure that Peyton and Brooke do. I'm sure that was what she was going for. "Only if you let me borrow it."
"Brooke doesn't do well with sharing," Peyton interjects.
"This is true," I confirm and Brooke scoffs in my face.
We're all laughing and having a good time when of course, Nathan has to come out of nowhere and ruin it. "Hey Taylor, can I talk to you for a second?" She looks over to me after staring at him for a good moment or two, secretly asking me if going with him is the right thing to do. I simply shrug, trying my best to stay out of it.
She turns back to Nathan. "Um, sure?" She says but it sounds more like a question than a reply. The two of them walk over into the school building until I can only see the back of Taylor's blonde hair through the small window on the door.
"You don't think they're getting back together, do you?" Brooke asks and I feel Peyton reach around me to smack her in the head. "Ow. What?" She demands and then when it dawns on her she turns to me apologetically. "Sorry. It's just…I don't know, why else would he want to talk to her?"
"It could be anything," Peyton reasons, sending me a sympathetic smile.
I sigh. "Or he's telling her about the kiss…kisses…whatever."
Peyton shakes her head. "I really doubt that, Hales. I mean, Nathan would never want to hurt you and I think that he knows if he tells her, you'll somehow end up hurt."
I shrug. "I guess."
We watch the door they entered through in silence until it swings open again and Taylor comes walking toward us, her expression unreadable. "What did he want?" Brooke asks for me, squeezing my hand quickly for support.
She bites her lip. "He wants to be friends."
"What did you tell him?" I ask curiously.
She gives me a sad smile. "The truth. That it would be too hard." I can see her eyes starting to well up with tears so I reach over to give her a hug. "He looked so hurt," she cries into my ear. "But then again, I wasn't the one who broke up with him…he doesn't get to be hurt." She lets out a long breath and pulls out of the hug, looking me in the eye. "Then he said something about you and I pushing him away and how it wasn't fair…" she cries "…that pretty soon he was going to have no one left." My eyes widen abruptly and I pretty much zone out on her last few comments. "But that's not fair! He broke up with me! You know I would have been there for him forever."
I close my eyes as her words weigh down on me.
"I'll be back," I say and the motion to Taylor for Peyton and Brooke, indicating that I need them to look after her for a second.
"Where are you going?" She asks and it's almost as if she's too tired to care because she sounds sort of disinterested.
"I'll be back," I repeat and then take off in the direction I assume that Nathan went.
I come across him and a couple of other seniors but I pay not attention to his lackeys. I simply push through them and grab his arm, pulling him out of their path and into a deserted classroom. He looks at me quizzically and then looks down at my hand which is still touching him. He looks up at me with a raised eyebrow. "What?"
I let go of his arm and take a step closer, looking him directly in the eye. "You still have me, Nathan…" I say quietly "…Taylor told me what you said about not having anyone left and I want you to know that you're wrong." When Taylor told me that Nathan said that, I felt horrible. I know that Nathan counts on me and Taylor for a lot of things and I guess I was just so caught up in everything that I am going through that I forgot about Nathan.
He scoffs. "I haven't had you for a long time," he says. "You stopped caring a while ago."
"That's not true!" I tell him, raising my voice. "You know that's not true."
He shakes his head. "Do I? You've been avoiding me since the end of May, screaming at me since school started and now you're back to just giving me the cold shoulder. What the hell am I supposed to think, Haley? You don't act like you care!"
"That's why I'm doing all of this, Nathan…" I cry, sinking down into one of the empty chairs as I begin to feel defeated "…because I do care about you."
"That makes absolutely no sense," he says.
I look up into his eyes and shake my head. "It makes perfect sense," I whisper, looking down to the ground. "I avoided you after you and Taylor started dating because I cared too much…" I take a deep breath "…because I couldn't watch you two together."
"Why not?" He asks, pulling up another chair to sit directly across from me, our knees now touching.
"Please don't make me say it," I plead, turning my head to the side and ignoring his attempts to catch my gaze.
He frowns. "What? You were jealous that we were hanging out all the time and weren't saving enough time for you?" He touches my knee with the palm of his hand and rubs it soothingly. I will myself not to lean into his touch. "If you thought you were loosing us…you were wrong."
I roll my eyes instead. "I wish that was it."
I look up to see that he's thinking really hard, not even looking at me but out the window. "I don't get…" but then he stops and looks at me, his eyes suddenly widening with understanding. His pulls back "…oh," he says. "You mean…" He can't even say it, instead he looks down at the ground and starts fidgeting, something I've never known to be something that Nathan does "…I had no idea. I mean…I guess that makes sense…"
I stand up abruptly. "I shouldn't have said anything."
He follows suit. "No, Haley…" when I don't turn around he calls my name again, rushing after me towards the door "…stop it."
I turn around to face him. "Look I've had enough humiliation for the day…" I say weakly.
"I'm not trying to humiliate you," he frowns. "I just…look, Haley…I can't…do that." I can tell he's aware of the space between us. We've never really been this far apart from each other while talking. Even when we argue we are in each other's faces, challenging the other to back down.
Now, I feel like we're a great distance apart.
"I'm not asking you to do anything," I say helplessly. "I shouldn't have told you in the first place." With that, I turn back around and reach for the doorknob, making my exit quickly and then going in the opposite direction of where I had left Taylor with Brooke and Peyton.
They can manage her for now.
"Lucas, you know I hate parties…" I whine as we walk into through the doorway and push through the crowds of people "…couldn't you have gotten Brooke to come with you or something?" It's Friday night and all parties are in full swing. Lucas had convinced me earlier that I needed to get out, claiming that I had been a being a pod person for the past couple of weeks.
"How many times have I told you that she and Peyton are at home working on a project for history? I swear to God, Haley…you are so goddamn spacey. You've asked me that more than a couple times." He rolls his eyes at me and puts his hand on the small of my back, guiding me through the masses. Peyton had convinced Brooke that they needed to get a head start on their project, claiming that she wasn't going to let Brooke procrastinate until Sunday. Brooke put up a fight, Peyton resisted…
And I got conned into going to a party with Lucas.
Nathan's been acting awkward around me ever since our conversation which I don't find very surprising. We almost ran into each other a couple of times in the hallway and he sort of opened his mouth to say something but then shut it immediately and looked away. I, of course, just simply walked around him and tried to pretend like it didn't happen.
I've always been one to run from problems.
Taylor is getting better but she's still cleaning like a maniac so I know that she's still having a tough time. She's stopped partying as much as she used to though, which is good and I think this whole Nathan break up is sort of helping her pull her act together.
I guess some things just make you stronger.
"So whose house is this?" I ask as Lucas guides me over to the keg and begins to fill a plastic cup for me.
"Tim Smith," he says, cocking his head over to the left of him. "I'm pretty sure you've met him before…he's a friend of Nathan's."
I nod. "Yeah. At the beginning of eighth grade, he came up to me and told me that I grew a nice rack over the summer…right in front of Nathan and a bunch of his other friends. My face turned bright red; it was so embarrassing." I glance over at Tim and roll my eyes. "I think he means well but…sometimes he doesn't think before he speaks."
Lucas laughs. "Sounds like Tim. Hey…so speaking of Nathan, what's the status between you two?"
I immediately tense up and take a couple sips of my drink. "Why do you care?" I ask casually, trying my best to avoid the question.
He shrugs. "I was just wondering. I mean…you barely talk about him anymore and you used to talk about him all the time. But I catch you staring at him sometimes…" he raises his eyebrow and looks at me seriously "…I don't think you want to go there, Haley."
"I'm not going anywhere…" I protest, taking another sip of my drink "…Nathan and I are just, complicated."
"Haley, I'm not blind…I see the way you look at him," Lucas starts.
"Will you stop it, Luke?" I snap. "I don't want to talk about this because to be honest, it's none of your goddamn business."
He visibly flinches. "I'm sorry."
I nod. "I'm going to go refill my drink…I'll catch you later." I leave him behind, calling my name and yelling at me to stop but I don't, I simply continue through the kitchen, grab another drink and then begin to dodge through the different people.
It's then that I notice Nathan. He's wearing loose jeans with a collared shirt that Taylor and I both picked out for him six or seven months ago. Most of Nathan's wardrobe is chosen by either Taylor or I so it's not a surprise that I recognize his clothing. I notice his smile immediately, his dimples causing me to smile tightly. I feel sort of stupid watching him from a distance but that's all I really get of Nathan nowadays.
At least this way, it's peaceful.
I frown when I notice who he's with. He's with one of the girls that Taylor used to hang out with; a curly headed fake blonde with teeth that are too white. She reaches out her hand and runs it along his abs. He makes no move to protest, he just simply allows it to happen and I just stand there like a fool, my mouth ready to drop. It's like he senses someone's eyes on him because he turns toward me and our eyes lock for a second or two before he looks away and back at the girl.
He stops smiling.
"Haley…" It's Lucas. I don't need to turn around to know that "…are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?"
I don't even turn around long enough to see his expression. The second we are face to face, I lunge forward and place my lips on his, more aggressive than I have ever been in my life. He doesn't respond at first, and I figure it's probably because he's shocked but once he has a moment to process it, he's kissing me back.
I pull away and intertwine my fingers in his, pulling him towards the stairs. He looks at me unsurely. "Haley, what are you doing?"
"If you play you're cards right, I'll be doing you in a couple of minutes…" I glance over at Nathan to see that he's watching me discreetly. I smile with satisfaction.
"This is wrong, Haley…" Lucas says, pulling back my hand and forcing me the opposite direction. "I mean, you haven't even had that much to drink. What are you thinking?"
"You kissed me back!" I say and then my palm rises to my forehead. "What is this? How come no one wants me?"
"It's definitely not that," Lucas reasons. "I just…I don't think you're thinking straight."
I pout and move forward, playing with his shirt in my hands and twirling it around my finger to get a reaction out of him. "Oh, I'm thinking straight…" I say seductively and I watch as Lucas gulps and looks behind me to where I assume, or hope, that Nathan is watching. "Let's go find a room," I suggest and pull him by the shirt towards the stairs.
He stays put. "Don't do this Haley…don't start something you're not going to finish."
I glance over at Nathan and then back at Lucas. "I'll finish it."
And to my surprise, he actually follows me up the stairs. I don't think about how this will affect my friendship with Lucas, or how much Brooke is going to hate me when she finds out. None of those things even cross my mind as I pull him up the stairs; my only intention is to make Nathan as jealous as I possibly can.
It doesn't cross my mind how much I'm going to regret this later.
I fall on the bed, pulling him on top of me and letting him suck on my neck as I moan in pleasure. I pretend its Nathan on top of me; I pretend that Nathan wants me as much as Lucas does and I pretend that nothing bad can come of this moment. I guess a part of me always knew that Lucas wanted me and I suppose it's terrible to take advantage of that but I try to pretend like I'm not; like I really do want this.
He moves from my neck back up to my lips and there is no doubt in my mind that Lucas is a good kisser. There just isn't that spark that I had with Nathan. It feels like I'm kissing Brooke again or something. At least five minutes later, his cold hand moves up my shirt and I open my eyes at the contact, getting a glimpse of his blonde hair and getting my dose of reality. But I don't pull away.
Instead, it's him that suddenly pulls away reluctantly.
"Haley…you don't want me," he whispers breathlessly, his head lingering above mine as he lies on top of me on the bed. "This is wrong."
"Yes I do," I protest weakly but I know that I'm lying and I'm pretty sure that he knows this too.
"No you don't," he sighs. "You want Nathan…you've always wanted Nathan."
I tense up at his name. "What did you say?"
He takes a long breath and then gets off of me, moving toward the door but still facing me with a sad smile. "You want Nathan…" he says "…you're pretending I'm Nathan, aren't you?"
"Lucas…" I protest but he puts his hand up to stop me from talking.
"I came to terms with that a long time ago, Haley. It's not me you want, it's Nathan. And it kills me, but there is nothing I can do to stop it…and this," he motions between the two of us tiredly "…it's not helping me cope."
I bow my head down and nod. "I'm sorry."
He smiles tightly and I know that it's not genuine. "I know," he says sadly before opening the door and disappearing.
It's then that it all hits me. Lucas will probably avoid me for weeks, maybe forever, and Brooke, when she finds out, is never going to speak to me ever again. She's been in love with Lucas forever. I sigh loudly and fall back on the bed for a second. Maybe if I tell her as soon as I see her and explain the whole situation, she'll understand.
But then again, maybe she won't.
I head back down the stairs fifteen minutes or so later and look around to find that Lucas is nowhere in sight which means I'm walking home. I nod, understanding this is probably the least of the karma I deserve. I head out the door and down the porch and find myself face to face with Nathan, his face stone cold.
"You slept with him…" he concludes and I lift my hand to run through the hair that I realize is probably disheveled "…with Lucas."
I look down. "I don't know why you would care," I say before moving to the left of him and beginning to walk down the street.
"I don't…" he says feebly "…I just thought that…" he stumbles over his words "…I mean, you said the other day that you…" he can't even say it.
"Sex is just sex," I announce, still walking. Of course, that isn't true. Part of me wants to believe I wouldn't have let Lucas take my virginity even if he hadn't pulled away but I really don't know for sure anymore.
His footsteps stop and I realize he hasn't continued to follow me.
