And Then Everybody Leaves.
When I woke up the morning after, I realized there were some serious things I needed to do. One being tell Taylor about Nathan, the other being tell Brooke about Lucas. And then of course, I need to make sure Lucas and I can still be friends. There's nothing I can do about the Nathan situation; I told him how I feel.
The ball is in his court.
As for confessions, I decided to go with the easier one, Brooke. Though telling Brooke is not going to be even remotely easy, it seemed like the lesser of two evils. It has nothing to do with liking Taylor better, though I suppose I sort of do in a way since she is my sister, but I figured there is a much better shot at Brooke forgiving me than Taylor. Brooke never dated Lucas, sure she loves him like crazy, but she never dated him.
She just crushed in secret.
And with Lucas, there are really no feelings. I can tell Brooke that and not be lying. It isn't something I meant to happen; it was just a selfish mistake that I made to make Nathan jealous. In telling Taylor, I'll have to lie. I'll have to tell her that it was a mistake and that I have no feelings for Nathan when in reality, there's nothing I could mean less.
I'm afraid Taylor will see right through that.
"Hey," Brooke says, giving me a quizzical look as she sits down across from me at the coffee shop. I'm such a coward; I figure that Brooke will have less of a reaction if we are surrounded by people so I invited her here to tell her. I deserve to be lashed out at; this I know, but forgive me for not wanting to hear one of my best friends scream her head off at me regardless of whether or not I deserve it. "What's up? You sounded weird on the phone so I came as soon as I could." She puts her hand on top of mine. "Is it Nathan?"
I shake my head. "Brooke you have to promise me you'll hear me out, okay? No matter how much you want to smack me across the face or get up and leave, you need to hear me out." I say desperately, looking her dead in the eye.
She frowns and pulls her hand away from mine, sitting up straight in the seat across from me and pulling her head back to study me. "You're scaring me, Haley," she whispers. "Tell me what happened."
"Promise me, Brooke," I say again firmly. "Promise me you'll hear me out."
She looks around the coffee shop awkwardly and then back at me. "Okay, I promise."
I smile halfheartedly. "You're gonna hate me," I start, looking down into my mug of coffee and shaking the mug around in my hand to distract me. "Before you hear anything, you need to know that it was a mistake, okay? It meant absolutely nothing to me…I was just trying to make Nathan jealous." I stop to see if she understands but she shows no sign of any realization. "I saw him with this girl…and I had just told him about my feelings for him so I felt like such an idiot. I guess I just wanted to make him see what he was missing, or sort of prove that I was okay without him, you know?" I bite my lip. "The first guy I saw was Lucas."
Her face falls as it hits her and mine falls as I watch.
"You mean, you kissed Lucas?" She says knowingly. She's staring me dead in the eye but I feel like she's farther away than ever because her eyes looked glazed over, like she's not really even looking at me. "To make Nathan jealous?"
I bite my lip as I watch her carefully. I open my mouth to speak but then close it again, looking around at the people chatting around us. I finally get the nerve to look back at her and to see the look of devastation that I had caused. "It sounds selfish…I know it does…mostly because it is but you have to believe that I feel terrible. I would never want to hurt you deliberately Brooke; I didn't know what I was doing."
She closes her eyes. "You must have…somewhere in the back of your mind, you knew this was going to hurt me." She opens her eyes again. "But it didn't matter, because all you wanted to do was make Nathan jealous."
"Brooke, please don't hate me," I plead. "Please don't hate me…I just, I don't know what to say to make this better," I say helplessly. "But whatever I can, I will."
She shakes her head and moves her gaze over to a couple of little girls giggling as they dance around their mother's table. "It was bad enough before, Haley…" she sighs "…I knew Lucas always liked you. But he knew he couldn't have you, that you wanted Nathan instead so he was trying to find a way to move on. And he did," she shrugs, "I mean, sort of anyway…but now, after he's kissed you…he's going to have hope. And he's not going to even look at me."
I interject immediately. "Brooke, that's not true…" I protest and it kills me to see her this way because Brooke is always so bubbly and happy "…you're beautiful, and kind and everyone loves you. Lucas will see that…I know he will."
"None of that matters," she says sadly. "Because I'm not you."
I search for the words to comfort her. "Brooke…you're a million times better than I'll ever be. Look at me, I kissed my sister's boyfriend twice, I went behind your back and kissed a guy that I knew you had feelings for. I'm a selfish bitch. I've never met anyone with a bigger heart than you, Brooke. I'm just sorry that I can't be as good of a friend as you are," I finish sadly, feeling a couple of tears drop. I wonder if it sounds sincere, or if it just sounds like I'm kissing up to make things better. But the truth of the matter is, I mean every word.
"Don't," she shakes her head. "Look, Lucas and I were never dating. You have nothing to apologize for." She looks down. "But I gotta go," she whispers. Her chair makes a screeching noise as she stands up and begins to walk away.
"Brooke!" I call after her but she doesn't stop, she continues to walk out of the coffee shop and down the sidewalk.
I rub at my eyes and sink back down into my chair, staring blankly at the coffee in front of me. If Brooke feels that way, what makes me think Taylor is going to be any better? Brooke and Lucas weren't even dating. Taylor and Nathan were when I kissed him. I close my eyes and lean my head back.
There is no way I can tell her.
"Hey."
I look up and then sigh. "Nathan…I really can't do this right now."
He shakes his head. "I don't care," he says, before grabbing hold of my arm and dragging me out of the coffee shop and toward his car. "Get in," he says.
I give him an exhausted shake of the head. "Nathan, I'm telling you…this is possibly the worst day you could have picked. Can you just say whatever the hell it is you want to say to me here and then let me get on my way. If you're going to call me a whore, go ahead…at least I can count on you to say it to my face."
He rolls his eyes. "I'm not going to call you a whore…get in the car."
I study him, wondering if this could possibly make things any worse than they already are. I mean, things are pretty screwed up as it is, the least I can do is hear Nathan out I suppose. After it's over, Brooke will still hate me, I'll still be lying and betraying Taylor, Lucas will still avoid me like the plague and Nathan…he'll still know that I have a crush on him.
Why not just obey the man's orders?
As we drive, Nathan doesn't say anything. I suppose that wherever we are going is significant and he's not going to say a word until we get there. I sneak a glance at him every once in a while but I'm only caught the second time to which I receive a nervous smile.
"We're here," he announces finally, getting out of the car and motioning for me to do the same. I glance around my surroundings warily and then give Nathan a confused brow furrow. He stops in front of a set of swings and then looks over at him. "Do you remember?"
I shrug regretfully, wishing so badly that I could remember what it is he is talking about and understand why he's taking me here. "Is it bad that I don't?"
He shakes his head and it's then that I notice how far he's distanced himself from me, and how he refuses to look me in the eye. "You were seven," he says, "You wore glasses about nine months out of that year, not because you needed them but because you thought they made you look cool and no amount of persuasion from Taylor and I would convince you otherwise." He laughs lightly but still won't look at me. "Anyway, Taylor, since she was in her bitch faze, kicked you off the swing and made you cry…and I remember how hurt you looked…how you refused to stand up to her. You tried so hard to fight back your tears and be strong but you looked so sad. There was something about the look in your eyes that made me want to protect you forever…" he laughs and rolls his eyes playfully with a smile "…I know that must sound so corny…but I remember that day so well and I remember that look in your eyes." He looks back over at me and gives me a knowing look "…it's kind of like the look you've had for the last few weeks."
I shake my head and move toward the swing, sitting down and tilting my head to rest against the chain holding it up. "So why did you bring me here?"
He takes a good long look at me before moving over to take the swing beside me and then staring out in front of us to where we had come from. "Because there is something you need to know."
"If it's going to make things any more complicated, I suggest you keep it to yourself," I sigh, not even the least bit joking. There's only so much a girl can take. Sure, I got myself into most of this and I shouldn't be throwing myself a pity party but I understand that I messed up, I acknowledge it. If I could take it back, I'm almost positive I would.
"You need to know this, Haley," he says firmly. "And I'm going to tell you whether or not you want to hear it."
"Fine," I give in. "What is it?"
He's silent and I start to think that maybe he's changed his mind and doesn't want to tell me but then he looks over and takes my hand in his. "Kissing you was not a mistake, Haley. I've wanted to do that for a while now…" he laughs halfheartedly "…I know I told you that you're like a little sister to me and I didn't really say anything back after you made your confession the other day, but…I really did want to kiss you."
My heart starts racing. "Why?" I whisper.
"Because you're you…" he says, shaking his head and releasing my hand to look up and away from me. "You're beautiful, and smart…down to earth." He sounds like he's about to continue but I stop him.
"You said the same thing about Taylor," I tell him.
He squints into the distance and then looks at me in surprise. When it wears off, he nods in understanding and then sighs. "I guess that's kind of the point."
I give him a quizzical glance.
"When Taylor and I started dating, I was mesmerized with her…you remember. But then, somewhere along the way…it just kind of wore off and we were at each other's throats twenty four seven." He swings his head back and forth. "And then we broke up and now, she can't even be friends with me." He finally looks back over at me. "That can't happen with us."
"Nathan…" I start.
He shakes his head. "That story I was telling you, about us when we were little…that day, I thought for sure that I would spend the entirety of our friendship protecting you…but somewhere along the way, the tables turned and now it's you that protects me." He exhales a long and deep breath. "I can't lose you, Haley. These last three months without you have been hard as hell and I can't even imagine what it would be like if it was any longer than that. That kiss…was amazing." He laughs as a blush creeps up on my cheeks. "But I can't risk this friendship…for anything. And I can't take the chance that we'll break up and you'll end up hating me." He still won't look at me. "And then there's Taylor."
I stand up abruptly and begin to pace. "Don't pull this, Nathan…" I plead "…you don't mean any of this and you and I both know it. You just don't want to break my heart, and I appreciate it, I really do…but please don't lie to me." I begin to walk away but he stands up so fast I am barely able to make a step before he reaches out for my arm and pulls me back.
"I'm not lying to you, Haley!" He shouts, frustration in his eyes. I feel his grip on my arm grow tighter. "Why is it so goddamn hard to believe that someone could actually have feelings for you, huh?"
I pull out of his grasp forcefully. "Not someone," I shout back at him. "You!"
He recoils as his face falls. "What the hell is so different about me?" He asks in a loud whisper, his eyes not leaving mine for even a second. "Why is it so hard to believe that I could actually have feelings for you?"
"Because I know you," I say, sitting back down on the swing and allowing him to do the same as me. "You're Nathan Scott." I look over at him with a small smile. "You like blondes," I laugh lightly.
"I'm serious, Haley…" he says "…answer the question."
"It doesn't matter anyway," I whisper, leaning my head on the swing chain farthest away from him. "You said it yourself…it could never happen. Can we just leave it at that?"
"Absolutely not," he says seriously, getting off of his swing and crouching in front of mine so that I have to look down at him. "I need you to believe me. I need you to believe that kiss wasn't a mistake…for either of us."
I shake my head to will tears from falling and then get up to move past him. "This is too hard," I choke out. "Please don't make me do this, Nathan. Please just let it go."
"So what? You can ignore me at school on Monday?" He shakes his head. "I can't lose you, Haley."
"Then stop pushing me!" I snap, walking in front of him to his car and climbing in the passenger's seat. "Take me home," I tell him.
He just stands there for a moment or two, staring at me through the window from a few yards away. Finally he sighs noticeably and then walks slowly back over to the driver's seat and starts the car. He takes one last look at me before pulling out of the parking lot and driving down the street to my house.
"Is this how it ends?" He asks suddenly, his mouth barely moving as he speaks. He still won't look at me and I try my best to do the same. "Seven or so years and this is how it ends?"
I look how the window and refuse to answer him for a while. "I just need a break."
He scoffs. "Whatever."
When we pull up to my house, Lucas is sitting on the steps of the porch waiting for me. He looks kind of spaced out and as I watch him I forget for a moment that Nathan is there beside me and he still thinks that we had sex last night.
"Hey look, there's your boyfriend…" he says maliciously "…come back for another round? I bet he just loved to be the one to deflower little Ms. Perfect Haley James."
"Nathan," I say weakly, shaking my head. "I didn't…"
"Whatever, Haley…" he sighs, rolling his eyes. "Just go."
"You don't understand," I try but he ignores me.
"Get out," he says. When I just stare at him openmouthed, he raises his brow in annoyance. "I said get the hell out, Haley."
Nathan has never talked to me this way. Not once in my entire life. It makes my eyes well up with tears and I look away quickly to keep them from being seen. I open the door and get out, looking the opposite way of Lucas so that I can quickly dry my eyes. He hasn't seen me yet anyway because he's too preoccupied with the grass. "Hey," I say quietly, holding my purse with both hands at my waist in front of me.
He looks up but his eyes dart over to the left of me as we both hear the screeching sound of Nathan's car as he speeds down the road. "Hey," he says, standing up but not coming even the least bit forward. "I kind of wanted to talk to you."
I smile weakly. "I wasn't sure you would want to talk to me at all."
He averts his eyes. "Yeah, me too."
I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. He just stares at me for a second and I wonder what it going through his mind. I wonder if he hates me, or if he'll ever be able to forgive me for doing this to him.
I wonder the same of Brooke.
"Lucas…" I start to say, motioning for him to follow me inside with my hands but he stops me with the tone of his voice.
"No, I think it's better if we stay out here," he says and I turn around to face him with a fallen expression. He looks away again and I realize that he can't even look me in the eye anymore which makes me feel entirely worse than I did before, I'm not exactly sure why. "I just needed to tell you something…and then I'll be gone."
"You can stay," I suggest in a helpless whisper. "Please stay."
He shakes his head and finally gets up the nerve to look at me. "We can't be friends anymore, Haley." He closes his eyes and looks down. "I just…we can't."
I feel my face fall and I don't even bother to try and cover it up. "Because of last night?"
He shrugs. "Sort of. Not really."
"We can't even be friends?" I ask, my eyes darting back and forth as I study him. I guess I knew that things would be weird between Lucas and I after last night but I never in my wildest dreams imagined that he wouldn't even want to be friends with me anymore. Maybe I don't like Lucas the way he says he likes me but that doesn't mean we have to cut all ties.
He breathes out and shoves his hands in his pockets. "It's like you and Nathan," he says quietly. "You pushed him away because you liked him and he didn't like you. It was too hard, right?" I fidget around uncomfortably. Lucas and I never really talked about the Nathan situation but I guess he's smarter than I give him credit for. "Haley I thought I could be friends with you…but I don't know anymore."
"Please don't do this to me," I beg, inching closer. "Please Lucas."
He shakes his head. "I'm sorry."
I feel the tears from before coming back and I try my best to hold them back but it seems impossible at this point. I can't lose Lucas as a friend. Not when I've lost Brooke, Nathan and most likely Taylor sooner or later. And not when he's the sweetest guy in my life right now, not when I depend on him.
"I should go," he says finally. He starts to move forward and I think he's going to give me a hug but he at the last minute he sort of flinches and steps backwards, deciding this idea isn't the best one. "I'll see you."
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, reaching into my purse and pulling out my cell phone. She doesn't pick up like I knew she wouldn't since my caller ID probably showed up and she doesn't want to talk to me. "Brooke, its Haley. Look, I know you hate me. I hate me. But you've got to believe me…it was all a big mistake." At this point, I start to cry. "I don't know what to do Brookie. It's killing me that I hurt you…that I hurt everyone. Just, don't shut me out okay? I know you don't owe me anything but just…please." On that note, I hang up and the walk up to the house and up the stairs.
I collapse on my bed and create a puddle of tears on my pillow before I fall asleep.
