The graveyard:
I watched you sleep. I watched you sleep so uneasily and so nervously as if waiting for someone to attack you. Every now and then you would mutter something under your breath. Every now and then you would sit up screaming, panting heavily but I would just watch you fall back to your pillow and sleep once again. It became a ritual and in the first days when you would wake up, I would hold you and cradle you until you fell asleep once again. It got to the point where I slept through it on good nights.
On those bad nights though; on those nights where I could not stand to hear you scream I would get up and leave. It was all I could do because holding you could never make your pain go away. I thought by letting you be to your screaming that eventually you would be okay. Even innocence has its demons I guess.
I remember sitting up in bed and crying because there was nothing I could do to save you from your fits. I would sob silently and then go downstairs and sit in the chair and cry myself to sleep where you would find me the next day. My eyes would be red and you would know I had been crying but you never would ask; I think you knew I felt hopeless. In the midst of being unable to help you, you would pick me up into your arms and cradle me and I would fall asleep against your chest.
I can't believe you could pick me up actually. You were so frail and weak yourself; how you had managed I do not know. Still you would hold me and stroke my hair and rub my back; sometimes just hold me tightly to your chest. I would listen to the rhythmic beat of your heart like a melodious tune and I remember closing my eyes and waking up with you smiling at me. You never asked; I'm glad you didn't.
You see I loved you. I really truly did and if I had to tell you that it hurt me to hear you scream, I would feel empty. I felt empty then, just as I do now in your absence. I didn't want to hurt you; I didn't want you to know I felt as though there was nothing I could ever do to help you.
I think you secretly knew and never told me. How is it you always had the upper hand when it came to you and I? I don't know and I never will; I suppose I can say the same for our love but waking up in your arms was like chocolate. I know is that much; waking up in your arms is like chocolate.
But now you're gone Sirius and where did you leave me? In the arms of myself and I feel guilty for leaving Harry and Remus but only because you made me feel that way. I cry myself to sleep and I go and sit in the chair down in the living room but in the morning I am not in your arms. Waking up in your arms was like chocolate, but it isn't like that anymore.
Scarcely can I find the words to tell Remus and Albus where I am; you knew and thank you for not telling. If I come back to them will anything be any better? Have they forgotten about me? I told you in our last hours together that I didn't want you to speak a word of me to Harry. I know Remus has been looking for me and I can bet my soul he knew that you knew of my whereabouts. Remus is smart; it's only a matter of time before he finds me and when he does I'll be waiting. I'll be ready for the cold stare he reserved for his friends and the cold shoulder that will follow. I guess if I prepare for it now it won't hurt so much then. I still remember how our love was like chocolate and that will be enough to get me through. Sirius our love was like chocolate.
