Summary: Ever wonder what happened after Jagged Little Pill? How did Jimmy deal with Ashley and Sean's hookup? How did Emma find out? Did she ever find out? What was the fall out for Sean and Ash? For any season one fans who ever wondered how Jimmy, Emma, Sean and the rest spent the summer following Ashley's party - wonder know more.
A/N: Okay, for fans (assuming I have any) of my other story Second Chances have no fear . . . I will complete the story. However the recent influx of Emma/Jay fanfiction sorta sapped my inspiration. It's not abandoned - it's just on hold. For now hopefully this story will get you through the waiting period.
"Jimmy, you just don't have what Sean has and you never will. You're just not enough for me. Sorry." Ashley's voice sounded anything but sorry. The knowledge that she was intoxicated did nothing to stop the pain that gripped my chest and my entire body sagged under the weight. I turned away from the voice. "Oh and now you're upset. Don't be!" I shrugged the hand she put on my shoulder away roughly, disgust on my face. "It's ok. It is. It's all good, it is."
I walked away, out the door, anywhere but staying in the entryway of the Kerwin's house. I couldn't listen to another word. How could the girl that I thought loved me . . . that I loved . . . say these things? Drugs can only do so much. You don't ever lie when under the influence; you only speak the truths you'd like to keep hidden. For how long had Ashley felt this way?
As I left Ashley's house, a movement out of the corner of my eye drew my attention. On a small bench, I caught glimpse of Emma Nelson drying tears from her eyes across from Ash's step-brother Toby. Yet another casualty of Sean Cameron. I didn't know Emma well, but I had seen enough around school with her petitions and editorials to know that she was a strong girl. Smart, independent and confident, yet reduced to tears by that jerk. "And your girlfriend," a voice whispered, but I pushed that voice aside.
I heard movement behind me and knew Ash's front step was about to be flooded with people.
"Emma, want me to walk you home?" I asked reflexively. After all, if anyone felt the way I did about tonight it would be Emma. Yes, she had technically broken it off with Sean but all of DCS knew they were still crazy about each other. If anything, her trust must be shattered even more – at least I could blame the ecstasy. We were bonded by our partners' betrayal.
She looked surprised but nodded, turning away from Toby with a muttered thanks. Looking over her shoulder, I saw the crowd start to pool out of Ashley's house and pulled Emma by the elbow down the street, around the corner. I didn't want sympathy from them right now. I don't like people to pity me. I'm sure Emma felt the same way. She was strong. I was strong. I didn't need Ash. No one needed Sean.
Neither of us spoke for a while. Soon I realized that Emma couldn't speak if she had wanted to, still sniffling and crying.
Emma and I are not close friends. We're not even friends. But anyone who can see a girl cry and do nothing is not a gentleman. That person has no heart. We had reached a bus stop – just a covered bench really and I pulled her down onto it, literally offering a shoulder to cry on. She sat, but did not approach me, sitting stiffly, her eyes full of unshed tears, staring straight ahead into the night.
"Ummm, Emma, he's not worth crying over," I tried to comfort her awkwardly.
"I flinch when he approaches me, did you know that? I know that getting in between a fight is stupid. I know that he would never hurt me intentionally. And yet he did. And I flinch. It's a reflex." Tears streamed from both her cheeks, but her voice never wavered and held surprisingly little emotion. It was monotone, like a robot. "And every time I flinch I see the hurt in his eyes." Now, the hitch came. "And I don't want to hurt him . . . so I try and stay away . . . and that hurts me." Emma was openly sobbing now and I was afraid to move closer or to put my arm around her for fear that she might completely collapse. I had never seen Emma Nelson, DCS crusader, look fragile before.
She wiped her tears on the cuff of her sleeve. "And then I get upset cause other times he acts like he doesn't care. Like he's the Sean Cameron from the beginning of the year. Without a care in the world. Then I try and hurt him on purpose. Like this morning. And I'm always surprised when it works. So I feel guilty."
I interrupted now, my anger at Sean overpowering my other senses. Yes, Ash had said hurtful things without his prompting or even real knowledge, but Sean had given her the ecstasy. Sean had been sober and taken advantage of her upstairs. Sean had reduced Emma to this mess sitting next to me.
"You have nothing to feel guilty for Emma. You are not responsible for Sean's temper or low self esteem. You are not responsible for reflexes you have no control over around someone who hurt you!" I was standing now, so vehement in my anger I couldn't remain seated. "And you definitely didn't force Sean to go upstairs with Ashley tonight!"
"What!" When I looked down at her I was surprised to see she was laughing, dabbing at her eyes. "Sean and Ash? Now I know you're having fun with me! I appreciate you trying to help, but Ashley would never 'go upstairs' at a party with any boy, let alone Sean! She loves you." Her voice had regained the 'know-it-all' tone that marked her as Emma Nelson.
I sat down, suddenly tired, anger flooding out of my body and being replaced with hurt. "She loved me. Or at least I thought she did."
Emma's laughter took on a note of hysterics as she shook her head. "No, that can't happen. Sean tried to apologize to me. Before I went outside. I wouldn't listen – then he left, not long before you came out. There wasn't time; you have to be wrong."
Her eyes pleaded with me to tell her I was lying, so I looked down at my hands. "Emma, I thought you knew. I thought that was why you are upset." I looked back up to see her once again misting up. "He left because he knew I was coming after him. He was upstairs with Ashley in her room. Both of their hair was mussed and Ashley," my voice caught, but I refused to cry, especially in front of a Grade 7. "Ashley's bra was out of place."
Emma's eyes grew wide before she threw herself at me, I caught her and held her till her body stilled, whispering "I thought you knew." I'm not sure whether I was trying to comfort her or assuage my own guilt.
I felt like crap. So much for the connected by betrayal idea. I could have spared this girl a lot of heartbreak, but instead I had thrown this at her when already at her weakest. Some gentleman!
After a few minutes, Emma's tears slowed and then stopped. She sat up slowly, looking at me. "Please . . . don't tell anyone about this," she whispered, looking up at me with big brown eyes.
Like I wanted everyone to know I went around making girls cry. "Deal." I smiled at her. "How about I walk you home now?"
The rest of the walk home was silent, until we turned onto Degrassi Street and stopped in front of Emma's house.
"Nice house. I love the porch," I commented resting on her big swing. Porches were cozy. Porches meant family. Unlike apartments which meant cold pizza and lonely nights.
Emma plopped next to me with a sigh. "Yeah, Sean and I would sit here and just watch the stars sometimes. We didn't even need to talk; we could just sit together and be happy. You know, if he knew you were here with me now . . ." Emma's voice trailed off. When she spoke again she was unable to hide the bitterness that belays her words. "Well, I guess he wouldn't be upset, would he? He's moved on."
"Emma, forget him." I repeated, trying to avoid the water works.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, trying valiantly to stop from breaking down again. "I never cry. Maybe once a year. But never like this. It's just . . . I broke up with him, Jimmy. Why is he the one making out with girls at a party while I'm the one falling apart?" She sobbed.
"Because you love him." Simple and to the point.
"Why won't he love me?" Her voice was haunting, but calm. Emma looked at me shyly, eyes wide, as if realizing what she had just said. "Thanks for the escort home." And with that she disappeared into the house leaving her words before I could tell her that in spite of everything, I was pretty sure he still did.
I swung on the swing a while longer, the events of the evening replaying in my mind. With every image of Ash's rumpled hair my hurt and anger grew. I pushed the hurt aside, as much as I could, not wanting or able, really, to deal with what her rejection meant. Leaving me with thoughts solely about Sean Cameron and what he had done. It was one thing to fight with me. It was another thing to go after my girlfriend. Who was under the influence. Even if it hadn't been Ashley, who takes advantage of a girl that was high? But it had been Ashley.
I remembered her cute jealousy over Paige being Juliet. The night we blew up condom balloons, just content to be in each others company, no pressure to do anything that neither of us was ready for. All the times she had saved me from loneliness by inviting me into her family, even if not always willingly. Sean had taken her from me, just as easily as the e had. Sean was in fact responsible for the e, as well. A little payback was in order.
"If he knew you were here with me now . . ." Emma's voice drifted into my mind unbidden. What exactly would Mr. Cameron say if there was to be a little quid pro quo? You steal my girlfriend . . . ?
"Why won't he love me?" Emma's voice sharply reminded me that they were no longer dating. But I didn't think that of all things would be an issue. Hadn't Emma also said that "I try and hurt him on purpose. And I'm always surprised when it works." No surprise to me, he was obviously still in love with her, taking advantage of Ashley notwithstanding.
After tonight I knew exactly how it felt to see the girl you loved kissing your worst enemy. And how much pain it could cause Mr. Sean Hope Cameron. How much worse would it be if that girl actually loved your worst enemy? The beginnings of a plan started hatching in my brain.
"Jimmy, you just don't have what Sean has and you never will!" You so sure about that Ashley? Because sitting on that porch swing, I resolved to make Sean's Emma mine by the end of the summer. The look on his face would make it all worth it. Ignoring the little voice that whispered that it wouldn't make the hurt go away, I started for home, thinking up excuses to return to Ms. Nelson's the very next day.
