"Oooh!! It looks like we have Divination first today!" squealed Lavender.
Hermione slapped Lavender right in the face. "Stop the damned squealing already, or I'll turn you into a pig! Divinations sucks anyway. Why don't you take something more fun, like Suicide 101?"
"Oooh!!! Hermione, you're such a bitch!" squealed Parvati.
"Divinations? Is that the class that foxy Professor Trelawney teaches?" asked Snape.
Hermione looked pretty angry for a second, then bitch-slapped Snape a good one.
"Oww! What the hell was that for?" he said, rubbing his head.
"I can't believe you like Trelawney, you're freak!" she said.
"Just look at that little tushy she's got -- how could I resist?" said Snape.
"Yuck! I know I before I told you to be out of character, but this is just weird. I'm going to Arithmancy," said Hermione.
Snape, Lavender, and Parvati made their way up to the Divinations tower and took a seat.
"Okay, class!" said Professor Trelawney. "We will continue where we left off with at our last lesson. I trust you all brought a urine sample to analyze?"
Everyone pulled out little vials of pee.
"Glorious! Glorious!" she shouted. "Wait, my inner eye is telling me something!" Trelawney spun dramatically around the room with her fingers pressed to her temples. "It seems we have a new student!"
Ron slapped his hands over his face and mockingly said, "Wow! How did you predict that one? Snape's only been sitting directly in front of you for the last five minutes!"
Trelawney ignored Ron and walked up to Professor Snape. Her nose was about 1 millimeter from his own. She stared at him for a moment, then pulled away quickly. "My inner eye is also telling me that he's an enormous git and that he does not possess the sight. Oh! And he is going to get eaten by.... THE GRIM. And then... THE GRIM will poop out his remains in an exceptionally splattery diarrhea. Unless you're making fun of him, I expect you all to completely ignore him . Now Harry Potter, will you analyze your urine sample for us please?"
"Uhhh, my urine is telling me.... that... uhhh," Harry stuttered. "Umm, that I test positive for 8 different types of drugs, including the Birth Control Pill."
"Boo!! You suck!" said Professor Snape.
Trelawney turned and looked at Snape angrily. "Please continue Mr. Potter."
Harry looked rather nervous. "Umm, my pee's a yellowish color, so that means it's got urine in it. Urine or Smurfs, one of the two."
"I've seen yellower pee in my Grandma's diaper!" shouted Snape.
Professor Trelawney grabbed Snape by the ear and lead him outside the classroom.
"What do you think you were dong in there?" she demanded.
"Lighten up," said Snape. "I was just making a joke."
"Yeah? Well that joke could have slightly deflated Harry Potter's enormous ego," she spat at him. "How do you feel about yourself now, ya bastard?"
"Umm, pretty good I guess," said Snape.
"SILENCE!" screamed Trelawney as she picked up a bottle of sherry and chugged it.
"Umm, I thought teachers weren't supposed to drink during a lesson," said Professor Snape.
Trelawney pulled the bottle from her face and broke it against the side of the wall. "Sooo, ya scurvy sea dog... you think you can eat my bean burrito and get away with it?" she said to Snape, pushing the jagged edge of the sherry bottle against his neck.
"I don't know what the hell you're talking about!" said Snape as he slid back to avoid the sherry bottle.
"I swear, ya scurvy sea dog, if you EVER wear my pantaloons on your head while doing the macarena again, I'll feed you to the GRIM!!!!" said Trelawney. "Now you just sit here and think about THAT until class is over," she said as she walked back towards the classroom.
Snape conjured up a chair and sat down. "Sybil Trelawney ... SOOOOO HOT! Want to touch the hiney!"
Trelawney turned around, "Did you say something?" she said.
"Umm, I just said... SHERRY IS GOOD," said Snape.
"That it is!" she said.
"I could conjure us up a bottle," offered Snape.
"No thank you," said Trelawney, "I've already been drunk enough for one day."
"But it could be our sherry!" said Snape.
"It will never be our sherry," said Trelawney, and with that she went into her class and closed the door.
Hermione slapped Lavender right in the face. "Stop the damned squealing already, or I'll turn you into a pig! Divinations sucks anyway. Why don't you take something more fun, like Suicide 101?"
"Oooh!!! Hermione, you're such a bitch!" squealed Parvati.
"Divinations? Is that the class that foxy Professor Trelawney teaches?" asked Snape.
Hermione looked pretty angry for a second, then bitch-slapped Snape a good one.
"Oww! What the hell was that for?" he said, rubbing his head.
"I can't believe you like Trelawney, you're freak!" she said.
"Just look at that little tushy she's got -- how could I resist?" said Snape.
"Yuck! I know I before I told you to be out of character, but this is just weird. I'm going to Arithmancy," said Hermione.
Snape, Lavender, and Parvati made their way up to the Divinations tower and took a seat.
"Okay, class!" said Professor Trelawney. "We will continue where we left off with at our last lesson. I trust you all brought a urine sample to analyze?"
Everyone pulled out little vials of pee.
"Glorious! Glorious!" she shouted. "Wait, my inner eye is telling me something!" Trelawney spun dramatically around the room with her fingers pressed to her temples. "It seems we have a new student!"
Ron slapped his hands over his face and mockingly said, "Wow! How did you predict that one? Snape's only been sitting directly in front of you for the last five minutes!"
Trelawney ignored Ron and walked up to Professor Snape. Her nose was about 1 millimeter from his own. She stared at him for a moment, then pulled away quickly. "My inner eye is also telling me that he's an enormous git and that he does not possess the sight. Oh! And he is going to get eaten by.... THE GRIM. And then... THE GRIM will poop out his remains in an exceptionally splattery diarrhea. Unless you're making fun of him, I expect you all to completely ignore him . Now Harry Potter, will you analyze your urine sample for us please?"
"Uhhh, my urine is telling me.... that... uhhh," Harry stuttered. "Umm, that I test positive for 8 different types of drugs, including the Birth Control Pill."
"Boo!! You suck!" said Professor Snape.
Trelawney turned and looked at Snape angrily. "Please continue Mr. Potter."
Harry looked rather nervous. "Umm, my pee's a yellowish color, so that means it's got urine in it. Urine or Smurfs, one of the two."
"I've seen yellower pee in my Grandma's diaper!" shouted Snape.
Professor Trelawney grabbed Snape by the ear and lead him outside the classroom.
"What do you think you were dong in there?" she demanded.
"Lighten up," said Snape. "I was just making a joke."
"Yeah? Well that joke could have slightly deflated Harry Potter's enormous ego," she spat at him. "How do you feel about yourself now, ya bastard?"
"Umm, pretty good I guess," said Snape.
"SILENCE!" screamed Trelawney as she picked up a bottle of sherry and chugged it.
"Umm, I thought teachers weren't supposed to drink during a lesson," said Professor Snape.
Trelawney pulled the bottle from her face and broke it against the side of the wall. "Sooo, ya scurvy sea dog... you think you can eat my bean burrito and get away with it?" she said to Snape, pushing the jagged edge of the sherry bottle against his neck.
"I don't know what the hell you're talking about!" said Snape as he slid back to avoid the sherry bottle.
"I swear, ya scurvy sea dog, if you EVER wear my pantaloons on your head while doing the macarena again, I'll feed you to the GRIM!!!!" said Trelawney. "Now you just sit here and think about THAT until class is over," she said as she walked back towards the classroom.
Snape conjured up a chair and sat down. "Sybil Trelawney ... SOOOOO HOT! Want to touch the hiney!"
Trelawney turned around, "Did you say something?" she said.
"Umm, I just said... SHERRY IS GOOD," said Snape.
"That it is!" she said.
"I could conjure us up a bottle," offered Snape.
"No thank you," said Trelawney, "I've already been drunk enough for one day."
"But it could be our sherry!" said Snape.
"It will never be our sherry," said Trelawney, and with that she went into her class and closed the door.
