Snape got done with all his work for first year that day. So, in celebration, the Gryffindors threw him an elaborate party that night.

"Nice job, Snapey!" said George Weasley.

"You passed your first year!" added Fred. "Butterbeers all around!"

Snape was sipping his butterbeer, talking to Alicia Spinnet about the quidditch team when Harry came up to him.

"Hey Severus, have you seen Ron? He totally ditched me," said Harry.

Snape looked around the room. "Nope, I haven't seen him all night, Hermione either for that matter."

"Hmm," said Harry. "Maybe they went off somewhere together, I wonder what they're doing..."

Suddenly, some screams burst out from the Boys Dormitory.

"OOOOH RON!!! YES YES YES YES!!! That red hair is such a turn on! Ooooh oohhh oohhh!!!! YES!!! Ooh!! Right there!! Harder, harder you bastard!!! NOOO!! SOFTER!!! SOFTER!!! YES YES YES YES!!!"

Snape turned to Harry. "Sounds like they're playing truth or dare to me," he said while taking a drink of his butterbeer.

"Oh," said Harry. "Professor Snape, can I ask you something?"

"Sure, Harry," said Snape.

"How are you so good with the ladies?" Harry asked.

"Women... are like Football Pitches. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy." said Snape.

"Oh yuck! You didn't just say what you think I said, did you?" said Harry.

Snape looked at Harry, "You obviously haven't met many Russian women then, have you? Well, I'm off to bed, tomorrow is Potions with Peeves. Good luck with the ladies."


The next day Snape got up and went to Potions. Hermione was sitting by Ron, so he took a seat next to Harry.

"Hey Snape!" said Harry as Severus sat down. "I got two extra bananas at breakfast today, want one?" he said, pushing the banana over to Snape. Harry picked up his own banana and stuck it to his ear. "BANANA PHONE!" he shouted.

Severus went to pick up his own banana, but suddenly, a hand came down and smashed it. Snape looked up.

"Malfoy rules!" said Draco as he walked past, his two goons in his shadow.

"What's up with them?" said Snape.

Harry shrugged his shoulders.

"Time for class!" said Peeves. "I'm going to do this class a little different than Snape did. That dumbass didn't make one worthwhile potion all those millenniums he taught here. Okay, who can tell me what this is?" he said, holding up a bottle of clear liquid.

"Veritiserum?" guessed Hermione.

"Nope! Five points from Gryffindor for being a dumbass," said Peeves.

"Water?" said Parvati.

"Wrong again, and five more points. Oooh! I'm starting to like this game!" said Peeves. "Well, since you all suck, I'll tell you. It's vodka and today we will learn to make Screwdrivers..."

"Screwdrivers?" said Professor Snape angrily. "That's not a potion, it's booze! You've completely disregarded my lesson plan!"

"And your point?" said Draco Malfoy, who was obviously intent on learning the precise amount of Orange Juice to add to a Screwdriver.

"My point is you're not learning anything! Peeves is just turning you into drunks!" said Snape, enraged.

"A million points from Gryffindor because Snape is a retarded git!" said Peeves. "And another million from Gryffindor because I had a hard time burning his lesson plan."

"You burned my lesson plan?!?!?!" said Snape, who looked rather pale even for him. "NOOOOOO!!!!! That lesson plan took me all summer to draw up!"

"You should have used that time to get laid by transvestite hookers like I did then, shouldn't you have?" said Peeves.