I just wanted to thank everyone who reviewed my story so far! Thank you so much!
The months flew past rather quickly. By February, Snape had finished all the required work for his first five years. He managed to piss Peeves off pretty badly when he made the perfect Bloody Mary in Potions last week, however, Trelawney wasn't sympathizing with him anymore than she did on the first day of class. Snape desperately needed a break from school.
"Okay," said McGonagall one day during Transfiguration. "Professor Dumbledore just told me we will be going to Hogsmede on Valentine's Day."
A couple people in the class cheered out loud.
"Anyway," continued McGonagall, "For all the kids who are too poor to buy their own lunch at Hogsmede, we will provide bag lunches. This means I do not want to see you roasting any more Cornish Pixies, Mr. Weasley."
Finally, Valentine's Day came. Everyone lined up outside of Hogwarts as Filch prepared to escort them to Hogsmede. Snape looked around to see what teachers would be going with. McGonagall, Flitwick, Sprout, and..... Professor Trelawney!!
"Allright you miserable sap-suckers, let's move out!" said Filch.
When they arrived at Hogwarts, Snape followed Ron, Hermione, and Harry to Zonko's.
"Yay! I love Valentine's Day!" said Ron.
Hermione bitch-slapped him. "Ron, you dumb ass! Valentine's Day is the suckiest holiday ever invented by Greeting Card companies!" she said.
"Jeez! You might want to think about anger management!" said Ron, rubbing the back of his head where Hermione had hit him. "I like Valentine's Day because of the candy!"
"Speaking of which," said Harry, "shouldn't we go get some lunch now?"
This seemed like a good idea to everyone. And since Ron was one of the poor kids, he needed to go find some of the teachers to get one of the bag lunches.
"The teachers are more than likely in the Leaky Cauldron right now," said Professor Snape. "After all, I used to be one. I'm sure they're getting drunk and doing bad impressions of the students they hate. One time I did this really good one about Potter... that kid sucks major ass!"
Harry looked up at Snape coldly.
"Errr... I mean, KICKS ASS!!!" said Snape in a feeble attempt to cover his tracks, "Haha.... hey, you're allright."
"You miss it, don't you Severus?" asked Hermione.
"Let's just get Ronny's lunch, okay?" said Snape as they walked into the Leaky Cauldron. They went into an upper room where they could hear Flitwick's voice.
"I'm Ron Weasley! I'm so poor I have to eat the school lunches!"
The faculty members burst out laughing, and Ron's face got red.
"What did I tell you?" said Snape, opening the door. "Excuse me, Ron needs his lunch."
The teachers all laughed some more, but finally McGonagall got up to look for the bag lunches.
"They're nowhere to be found!" she exclaimed.
"Someone must have stolen them," said Hermione
"What would someone possibly want with 23 bag lunches?" said McGonagall.
"I'll tell you who took them," said Professor Sprout. "It was that damned Sasquatch!"
Meanwhile, Filch sat in the back alley behind the Three Broomsticks with two grungy looking men. They ate sandwiches and 23 paper bags were littered around their feet.
"I guess we'll never know who took them," said McGonagall. "Oh well, we should be heading back pretty soon anyway."
Snape and the rest left the Three Broomsticks and walked out into the snow.
"This sucks! I have no lunch and I'm incredibly horny!" said Ron.
"Now you know why Valentine's Day sucks," said Hermione.
Snape looked around. "Hey, where did Harry go?" he said.
"Who cares!" said Ron. "What about my horniness?"
Snape ignored Ron and looked around. He saw Harry standing on a corner, leaning against a lamp post. "Hey Harry," he called, "you haven't resorted to prostitution, have you?"
"No," said Harry. "I've got a little problem. Promise you won't laugh or tell anybody?"
Snape looked over at Harry, "I won't say a word."
"Okay, I kind of... bled through my pants."
"What do you mean 'bled through?'" said Snape.
"Hey! I thought you weren't going to say a word!" retorted Harry.
"Sorry," said Snape, "but it's not everyday you hear about a GUY that bled through his pants. Are all your parts in working order? Do you need to see a doctor?"
"No," said Harry. "It's just that time of the month."
"WHAT?? Guys don't get periods!" said Snape.
"Oh, don't act so surprised!" said Harry. "You read Order of the Phoenix! You must have seen the intense PMS I get."
"Everybody line up!" called McGonagall.
"Snape! You've got to help me!" Harry pleaded.
"Oh fine!" said Severus. "I'll help you out, as weird as all this is!" And with that Snape pulled out one of those nifty fast food ketchup packs and squirted its contents all over his pants. He strode over to where everyone was lining up.
"What in the world is on his pants?" said Angelina Johnson, pointing at Snape.
"It looks like he perioded through them!" said Hannah Abbot.
"Ewwwwww!" squealed Lavender and Parvati in unison.
"That's right, I perioded through my pants," said Snape. "You're not cool, unless you bleed through your pants!"
"Hey look, Harry bled through his pants too!" said Seamus Finnigan as he high fived Harry.
Suprisingly, all the guys thought it was cool and wanted to get periods of their own. And it must have been magic or something, but all the guys suddenly had big red stains on their pants.
"Umm, I need some help," said Neville Longbottom. "I was trying really hard to period, and I guess I got carried away and I accidentally peed my pants instead."
"Ewww!" said Harry as he got in line. "That's gross! You're a freak, Neville!"
Just as Snape was about to get in line, Trelawney came up behind him.
"That was a very nice thing you did back there," she said.
"What? You mean the whole sacrificing my own dignity to help out a boy with strange bodily functions?" Snape said nonchalantly.
"No," she said. "I mean putting ketchup on your pants. It makes it so much more convenient for dipping purposes," she said with a laugh as she walked towards the front of the line. Snape went to take his place, but he felt someone's arm hold him back.
It was Filch, who was staring at Trelawney's ass as she walked to the front of the line. He turned to Professor Snape and said, "That Sybil Trelawney is one hot piece of ass, I know from experience, dude. If you know what I mean."
"No, you don't," said Snape.
Filch hesitated, "Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her GOT IT ON. WOOO-EEEE."
"No they didn't," said Snape.
"No, No, they didn't," said Filch. "But you could imagine what it'd be like if they, eh, eh... Everybody in line? Good, great, grand, wonderful, NO YELLING IN THE LINE."
