The X Tea Party

(Also Featuring Tokyo Babylon's Hokuto. Why? Because I can. pleasant smile)

Author's Note: Yes! People read the first chapter! Man, this is an idiotic production... but in the good way. It's not like I'm taking this seriously like some fic writers do ("OMG it is the bestest kamui/fuma fic ever and it is my lifes work and if you do not read it i will move to japan and jump off tokyo tower because i cant use a shift key and ur jst jealous becuz itz 133+R then u") Or some such nonsense. Reviews appreciated anyway, because they're fun. And no, this isn't a Kamui/Fuma fic. Or Subaru/Seishiro. Or any of those other tired X pairings (and let's face it, folks... they're ALL tired) It has zillions of instances in which I poke fun at X pairings, but other than that, it's not. (Terribly sorry about that. Wait, no, I'm not. pleasant smile)

PART II (Using Roman Numerals Because I Didn't Last Time Yet They're Cool)

Invitations and Whatnot

Ring. Ring. Ring.

Kamui glanced at the phone, which was across the room from his nice seat atop a bookshelf (this is what happens when one becomes accustomed to standing atop telephone poles). He didn't want to leave his perch; it had a lovely view of his bleak window, his angst-ridden bed, his depressing desk... yeah. You get the point.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

Kamui groaned. "I dislike phones," he mumbled. "In fact, I probably have traumatic memories about them somewhere... hmmmm..." He pondered this for a moment, then leapt down from the bookcase. "I might as well check the caller ID."

"Hmmm. Perhaps it's Sorata, trying to be. . . social." Kamui made a gagging noise at the thought of socialization. He, after all, was far too pretty for such nonsense. "Or Yuzuriha, trying to make me come over and 'pat the doggy'. . . eep. Then again, it could be that Satsuki person. . . It's always frightening when a Dragon of Earth claims that she obtained your number from the computer of a dating service you never signed up for. . ." Banishing the disturbing thoughts from his already disturbed head, Kamui approached the incessantly ringing phone and read the name on the caller ID.

Then, he proceeded to scream very loudly and hide under the covers.

"Monou, Fuma," read the caller ID, which seemed to think it funny to stick a comma between first and last names even though the Japanese put it that way as it is. Kamui hyperventilated for a bit, wondering what to do.

"Oh, doom doom doom..." he whimpered, and carefully peeked out from his hidey-hole. "I'll just let the answering machine get it... Yeah, that's it..."

With a crackle, Kamui's answering machine message began to play. "Hello, you've reached the residence of Shirou Kamui-Slash-Kamui Shiro, depending on which manga you read. Please cease your associations with me immediately lest you die slowly and painfully and/or see your loved ones do the same. If you are still intent on achieving your doom, please leave a message after the bloodcurdling scream or sob of anguish. Whichever comes first."

'Twas not a scream, nor a sob, that sounded. 'Twas a beeeeeeeeeep-ish sound, followed by a voice that probably wasn't Fuma's unless he had become very, very feminine.

"Wowies, I remembered your phone number! Yay!" chimed the voice. And Kamui's eyes went very wide in terror.

"...Kotori?" Instantly alert, he used his Amazing Kamui Powers to transport the telephone to him and picked it up. "Who is this?"

"Nice answering machine message!" said another voice, definitely masculine. However, it sounded more like the Creepy Cherry Blossom Guy (whose name Kamui couldn't pronounce)... who, when last the poor, confused Dragon of Heaven had checked, was rather dead. "I was so hoping to hear a bloodcurdling scream, though... Alas. I shall have to impale Subaru or something."

"Please refrain from doing that," sighed an exasperated voice. "It's quite unpleasant."

"Subaru?" Kamui was quite confused now. Two dead people and an extremely disturbed Dragon of Earth, all on the phone with him...

"Yes, it's me. They're planning something evil, nefarious, and bad! Don't let them corrupt you, Kamui! You're the Earth's last hope!"

"...that's what they all say," Kamui replied.

"You're invited to my tea party!" Kotori cut in.

"And I'm cooking, so be there or else!" said another voice.

"Hokuto, shut up. Kamui, this tea party goes against all things good, decent, and otherwise nifty!"

"That's why he should go," Seishiro interrupted. "It'll be held at the Monou residence, Kamui, and if you don't come... ummm... we'll unearth Subaru's ducky!"

"Not Mr. Squeaky-kins!" Subaru sobbed. "You wouldn't dare defile his grave, you... you... ummm... darn, out of insults."

Seishiro cackled malevolently, until Kamui heard a loud, resounding slap.

"You, stop cackling!" Hokuto shouted. "And Kamui, please do come! I wanna see the guy I keep getting compared to! And bring all your friends! All of them!"

"Except Subaru," Seishiro cut in seriously. "He's coming with me so that the fangirls will be pleased."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? PUT ME DOWN! NOWNOWNOWNOW!"

Kamui sighed in resignation. "All right, I'll be there."

"NOOOOOOOO!" wailed Subaru, and slammed down the receiver.

MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE ELSE...

"Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadybug! Oh laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadybug! Where are you?" A certain Broad-Shouldered-CLAMP-Male was scouring the pavement for ladybugs. Bent over as he was, he was only a little taller than a normal person. Okay, that's an exaggeration. But that's okay, because this is Fuma, Bipolar King of the Universe.

"Darn ladybugs! Kotori will be sad if I don't bring her a ladybug. I can't have that." Oh no, more of that heart's desire crap? We're really in for it now. Prepare for severed heads! "I don't know what you're talking about, Miss Author Lady. I've never severed a head in my life. Blood makes me queasy." Ummmmm... no comment. pleasant smile

So anyway. Fuma continued walking, his eyes fixed on the ground, until at last he crashed into another Broad-Shouldered-CLAMP-Male.

"Oh, dear me, I'm sorry! I was looking for ladybugs, you see... Oftentimes they're on the ground. Did you know that?" Fuma glanced up at the other man, who rose an eyebrow from behind his designer sunglasses.

"You know, I'm in a forgiving mood today. How about I stab you 47 times instead of the normal amount, hmmm? Sound fair?" Fuma looked confused and alarmed, so the man sighed. "Fine, then. I won't do anything that could be construed as homoerotic, either. That's going to be very difficult for me, I hope you realize..."

Suddenly, Fuma was saved by a ringing from his pocket. The funny thing was, there was a ringing from the other guy's pocket, too.

"Hello?" they both said, after pulling out their cell phones.

"HI FUMA! I'M GONNA HAVE A TEA PARTY! YOU HAVE TO COME OR ELSE!" said the voice on the phones, which belonged to Kotori.

"Yay, tea party!" cried Fuma. "Will there be those cute little croissant things? Mmmm... croissants."

"How many times do I have to tell you people? It's KAMUI. Not FUMA. Okay? Fuma doesn't dress nearly as well as I do."

"...Whatever! Yes, many croissants. And we already called Kamui, silly! You're too tall to be Kamui, Fuma!"

"Will there be cinnamon buns and marzipan?" asked Fuma.

"Didn't I kill you?" asked Evil Fuma, as he shall henceforth be known.

"Much tasty food," sighed a different female voice. "And yes, you did kill her, and dismembered her, if I remember correctly. However, you killed him too, and he killed me. We're both here!"

"Resurrections are almost as fun as marzipan," Fuma decided, "but not quite."

"He didn't kill me, Subaru did!" protested Seishiro over the cell phones. "Though I suppose he convinced me to let Subaru kill me..."

"ENOUGH!" barked Subaru. "Everyone, SHUT UP! THAT IS AN ORDER!"

"You can't give me orders; I'm your sister!" scolded Hokuto.

"You can't give me orders; I'm your boss!" Evil Fuma growled.

"You can't give me orders; it's my tea party!" whined Kotori.

"You can't give me orders; I don't even know who you are!" whimpered Fuma.

"You can't give me orders; I've yet to see a fic where you're dom!" At Seishiro's protest, there was a loud CRASH as Subaru smacked the Sakurazukamori over the head with a fairly large frying pan. "Well, I suppose there are those weird Subaru/Kamui fics, but..."

"AAAAAAH! VIRGIN EARS! VIRGIN EARS!" Fuma proceeded to run around in frantic circles. Evil Fuma simply scowled at the thought of two primary victims being happy together.

"Didn't I just tell you all to shut up?" Subaru asked pointedly. "The point is, Fuma/Kamui/Whatever, that if you and all your friends/minions do not come to this tea party, I will be very upset. And bad things happen when I get upset."

"If you make Subaru upset, Seishiro will defend his love with the Pretty Pink Petals Of Death!" proclaimed Hokuto.

"Hokuto. Shut up."

"I'll come for the croissants, Kotori!" Fuma cried.

"I'll come to torture– I mean, ummm... talk to the guests. And all my... um, friends... will be there! Except Nataku. He's..."

"Baking cookies as we speak!" Hokuto said.

"...Right then. Tea party."

And thus were the guests invited to the madness of the X Tea Party.