The next day came quickly. Severus woke up, but on one of his better robes, brushed his hair, and went down to the common room. He saw all the girls meticulously combing each other's hair.

"You're not going like THAT are you?" asked Hermione as she was pulling a slip up around her midsection.

"What's wrong with it?" said Snape.

"It's the same thing you wear every day!" she said. "Here, sit down, we'll help you get ready." Snape hesitated and backed towards the door, but Lavendar caught him and put him down into the chair. Combs and curling irons were flying everywhere.

"Oww! That hurt!" said Snape, giving Hermione a cutting look.

"Sorry, but beauty requires a little pain," she said. "Okay, now you can go look at yourself, we're all done."

Snape walked over to a mirror. "A bandanna? Beads? Eyeliner? Are you trying to make me look like Johnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean?"

The girls all started swooning. "Oooh! Johnny Depp! He's so hot!" they cried.

"Oh shut it, you crazy fangirls!" said Hermione. "Yeah, Snapey, that was the general idea. Actually, you look pretty good dressed like this. But you've got to get out of here now, us girls are changing!"

Snape pretended to sneak a peek at the girls as they were dressing and ended up getting punched in his beautifuly-lined left eye by an abnormally fat Alicia Spinnett. He covered his eye as he walked out the door, and sure enough, as he exited the Gyriffindor common room, he ran into none other than Sybil Trelawney. "Severus? Is that you?" she asked. "Are you trying to be Jack Sparrow?"

"I can be whatever you want me to be," said Snape. "Grrrowl!"

"I see," said Trelawney. "Well, I need to go and help the other TEACHERS set up the ball. Have fun with all your student friends, Severus," she said.

"Sooo hot, want to touch the hiney!" muttered Snape as Trelawney walked off. But sure enough, his daydreaming was interrupted but the sound of footsteps behind him.

"Ready to go to the ball, Sevvy?" said Hermione. Snape turned around and looked at her and Ron. Her hair was soft and springy, unlike the ratty mess it usually was. And her crimson colored dress fit her just right. Ron, on the other hand, was wearing white socks with his tuxedo. Which is incredibly tacky.

"Yeah, I was just leaving," said Severus after a few seconds.

"Cool," said Hermione. "I guess we'll see you down there, then."


Snape walked into the ballroom. It was decorated elaborately. He went over to grab a thing of punch and ran into Harry. "Hey Severus, what's up?" he said.

"Not a whole lot, getting some punch," said Snape.

"That's cool... hey, can you do me a favor?" said Harry.

"You didn't period your pants again, did you? Cause I'm so not going there," said Snape.

"No, umm, actually I'm lactating," said Harry.

"Lactating?" said Snape.

"That's when your breasts produce milk," explained Harry.

Snape slapped Harry. "I know what it is. I was just wondering what the hell is wrong with you? You'll have to work this stuff out on your own," he finished, then walked away from the table.

"Hey, I saw what you did back there," said a voice.

Snape whirled around. It was Trelawney. "You did?" he said.

"Yes, and let me just say, I'm very proud of you," she said with a flirtatious smile.

Snape raised an eyebrow. "Why would you be proud? I left boy with severe and strange deformities out to dry. That isn't very nice."

"Exactly!" said Trelawney. "Now, you're alone with your teacher at a romantic dance, what do you want to do?"

"Umm, we're not alone," said Snape.

"PLAY ALONG, DAMMIT!" said Trelawney, breaking a bottle of sherry against a table and prodding Snape in the stomach with it.

"Okay, okay," said Snape, "I can think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve a 9 iron and come ice cubes. The second would involve a buffalo, live or stuffed. Preferably stuffed for safety's sake. And for the third, bring back those ice cubes and change it to a pitching wedge."

Trelawney looked at him seriously, reached her arm around, and grabbed his butt. "Goose!" she said. "Gotta come catch me!" she said as she ran off around the ball. Snape took off behind her, but ended up running right into Professor Flitwick.

"Hey Flitty, didn't see you down there," said Severus.

Flitwick got up off the ground and rubbed the back of his head. "Listen, Snape, Peeves is out to steal your job. He already asked me to dig up some dirt on you, but I wouldn't do it. You need to be on high alert, he'll do anything to ruin you. I'm almost sure he's the one who 'lost' your school records in the first place."

"But why would he want my job?" said Snape. "It's not like he's teaching them any potions."

"I don't know, Severus, I don't know," said Flitwick. "I wonder what that little devil is up to right now..."


Meanwhile, Peeves roamed the halls of Hogwarts while everyone else was at the ball. "I need something that will ruin Snape once and for all." Suddenly, he passed by a door he had never seen before. He went inside. "This must be the Room of Requirement," he thought. "I'm sure I'll find what I need in here." And sure enough, sitting on a table in the room was a magazine. Peeves picked it up. "I know just what to do with this," he said.


"Dude, I don't know, man, I don't know," said Snape to Flitwick. "Now, if you excuse me, I need to catch that cutie," he said as he dashed off after Trelawney again. As he ran, he noticed Hermione, sitting in a corner and sobbing. He looked back and forth between his friend and Trelawney. "Sure, Hermione picks NOW to get all emotional on me, just when I was about to get that sexy Trelawney," thought Snape as he made his way over to Hermione.

"Hermione, is everything okay?" he asked.

Hermione looked up at him, her eyes all puffy from crying. "Ron... he was just... using..."

Snape looked at Hermione impatiently, "Spit it out! I'm missing my chance to grab Trelawney's butt for this."

A small smile spread across Hermione's face. "You're messed up in the head, you know that?" she said with a laugh. "Anyhow, I was just saying that Ron... well, Ron was only using me to try to get to... Dobby."

"Ron wants to hook up with Dobby? That's wrong on so many levels," said Snape.

Hermione bitch slapped Snape a good one. "No, you pervert! He doesn't want to hook up with Dobby, he wants to get close to Dobby so he can get 24 hour access to the kitchens."

"Ron's kind of an asshole, isn't he?" said Snape. "If I ever get my job back as Potions professor, I'll fail him for you, okay?"

"You've changed so much this year, Snape," said Hermione. "I used to think you were an enormous git, but now, you're a friend. This is so weird."

"Tell me about it!" said Snape. "And I never knew you were an enormous bitch with a dirty mouth."

"Oh, the benefits of fanfiction!" sighed Hermione. "I can act completely out of character. I hook up with all sorts of weird people in these things."

"Ever any girl-on-girl action?" asked Snape.

"Well... I suppose..." said Hermione. Realizing Snape's sudden perverseness, she bitch slapped him again. "You're disgusting!" she said.

"Really?" said Snape. "Well I happen to know for a fact that you have a taste for Harry Potter/Draco Malfy slash fanfics."

"That... that was supposed to be a secret!" said Hermione. "DAMN YOU PARVATI PATIL!"

"Uhh, right," said Snape. He looked around the ballroom for Trelawney, only to find she was throwing herself at Lucius Malfoy, who had stopped by to check out the ball. "Sybil Trelawney..." he mused out loud, "so hot, but such a dirty, dirty, tramp."

Hermione looked up at Snape and saw the glazed look in his eyes. "Umm, sorry about taking you away from Trelawney."

"That's okay," said Snape. "This ball sucked anyway, let's go do something fun."

"Like what?" asked Hermione.

"Let's go leave a flaming bag of dungbombs outside the Ravenclaw common room," suggested Snape.

"Right on, brotha!" said Hermione as she linked his arm in hers and walked out of the common room.

Back in the corridors of Hogwarts, Dumbledore was wandering around, trying to find a bathroom.

"Doing the potty dance, I see, Dumbledore," said Peeves, "I'll be quick then."

"Out of the way, Peeves!" shouted Dumbledore as he was hopping around in attempts not to soil his robes. "I've gotta go, and when you've gotta go, you've gotta go!"

"Oh, I think you might want to stop for this!" said Peeves, dangling a magazine in front of Dumbledore's face.

"Wha... where'd you get that?" said Dumbledore in a shocked tone.

"Silence, old fool! I'm the only one in a position to be asking questions around here," sneered Peeves. "Now, once the parents of this school find that their dear old Headmaster's secret past, you'll be out the door in no time. I hear Lucius Malfoy's at the ball right now..."

"No!" said Dumbledore. "Anything but that! The kids are my life!"

"Ah! But you have unleashed a powerful evil on to the world, you should be responsible for it," said Peeves. He picked up the magazine and started reading from it. "...though the muggles don't know it, reality television has been around for years. It all started in the 60's when Albus Dumbledore created Witch Island and The Real Wizards. These shows were not so popular as Reality TV is today. Dumbledore hit it big when he sold one of his ideas to a little network called MTV back in the early 90's. The Real Wizards became The Real World and did exceptionally well. Banking off the success of the Real World, Dumbledore sold his other ideas to major networks, thus causing the huge boom in Reality Television."

Dumbledore started sobbing on the floor. "I never meant to start the reality television craze! You have to believe me! Please, don't let this get out! I'll do anything!"

"Anything?" said Peeves with a glint in his eye. He handed Dumbledore a piece of paper. "Just read what I've written on here tomorrow night when you're on the Wizarding Wireless Network and no one will ever have to know about the whole reality television scandal."

Dumbledore unfolded the paper and skimmed its contents. "You bastard! I can't say this! Severus is my friend!"

"I'm afraid you have no choice, Dumbles," said Peeves with a smirk. "Ta ta!"

Meanwhile, Hermione and Snape filled a bag with dungbombs, lit it on fire, and set it by the entrance to the Ravenclaw common room.

"Oh my God, Cho Chang hates shit," said Hermione after she and Severus got behind a wall.

"Shh, here she comes," whispered Snape.

"Who the hell is it? What do you want?" demanded Cho Chang. She looked down at the burning bag, "Judas Priest, Luna, it's one of those flaming bags again."

"Don't put it out with your boots," cried Luna.

"Don't tell me my business, Devil Woman. Call the fire department, this one's outta control," said Cho as she squashed down on the bag with her boot, which she then lifted up to smell. "Eck, poop again!" she cried.

"She called the shit 'poop,'" laughed Hermione.

"This is the best night of my life," said Snape through laughter.

"I'll get you damn kids for this. You're all gonna die!" shouted Cho as they walked away laughing.