Authoress' Notes: Gah! I'm such an idiot! In all my haste from last chapter, I forgot to put in Pikella's Tattle for Smorg Miasma! But, fortunately, I have overly-dedicated fans like Lord Luffy to help with that! Check it out:

"This is a Smorg! A whole shitload of Grimers with a kick-ass machine gun! You can kill it by killing its Smorg Miasmas," Pikella said.

Pikario made a face. "Smorg my WHAT?"

I'm totally serious! Lord Luffy thought that up, so kudos to him and his loyalty to this story! It makes me feel all warm and cozy inside when people pay that much attention to what I write! Ok, enough of my shit and on with the fic!


College Rule Pikario: The Very Old Door Thingy!

Chapter 7: Pikario Shoots Da Moon with His .38! (Not Really!)


Pikario and friends decided not to ride the Excess Sex Express on the way home, due to the fact that Pikario had found a pipe as a shortcut to Thisinstareallygooplacetoberightnowunlessyourethemaincharacterandifyouarethengoodluckcausethefinalbossisfreakinhard Sewers! Yay for Warp Pipes! Anyway, Pikario did the Crystal Star shit, got another map location, then went to see Franklyidunno! But somehow, or another, they ran into Chuigi AGAIN!

"Chuigi, has it ever come to your attention that I don't care what the hell you're doing?" Pikario asked, angrily.

"Even if it did, I'd still bug you about it. Now, anyway! I went to this place called GrumbleGrumbleImSuchAFuckingGrouch Forest, where I found the RappinLikeThereAintNoTommorrow Ruins! Dude! It was full of R&B music there!" Chuigi explained!

Pikario rolled his eyes. "Yeah..."

"Then, I found this guy who said something about this other guy who was sleeping, and I was like 'What the fuck?' So, I looked for the Compass Piece Thingy, but I stubbed my fucking toe on the wall and screamed and I woke the guy up!"

Pikario laughed. "Are you sure you weren't drunk when all this happened?"

Chuigi stomped his foot in anger! "Yes, I'm sure! I even got this guy with me! Tell him the same thing you told me!"

Screamy sighed. "On this day, a legend is born... He shall rise to the challenge and claim victory over the King..."

"See?" Chuigi boasted! "And the other guy said some shit about the Compass Piece Things and some Luff empire, but I wasn't listening, so he just gave me one and the whole place disappeared!"

Pikario shook his head. "I'm telling you, man... You were drunk..."

Chuigi continued! "So, now, I have to go to OMGIhatethissongbecauseitsbyBritneySpears Tower for the final Boss fight!"

"Yes... and fulfill his destiny..." Screamy added!

Chuigi smacked him! "Shut up! Only talk your mumbo-jumbo shit when I tell you to!"


Pikario figured that Chuigi was probably drunk when all this crap happened, so he and his friends all left and ran to Franklyidunno's place for some more logical answers! The old, deranged Pikachu sat in his house, setting random things on fire when the group walked in!

"What are you doing?" Bobbery asked, slightly annoyed by the Pikachu's doings!

Franklyidunno turned around! "WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE? I'M DESTROYING ANY EVIDENCE THAT MIGHT SEND ME TO JAIL! THE STORY'S GONNA BE OVER AFTER NEXT CHAPTER, SO I'M PACKING UP AND LEAVING! AFTER YOU GET THE NEXT STAR, I WON'T EVEN BE HERE!"

"Well, can you tell us about where to go from the Garnet Star we just got?" Crusher asked, also slightly annoyed!

"WHATEVER!" Franklyidunno rolled his eyes!

So, Pikario gave him the map so he could look at it and tell them where the hell to go so they could get the next Star!

Franklyidunno jumped up in surprise! "WHAT THE HELL?"

Everyone was shocked! "WHAT? WHAT IS IT?"

Franklyidunno looked over the map! "THE NEXT STAR IS..."

Everyone was excited! "YES?"

"It's..."

"YES?"

Franklyidunno threw the map down in a fit! "IT'S ON DA FUCKING MOON! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?"

Vivian gasped! "Oh, wow! The Moon?"

"No, you ass! Da Moon! It has a name, ya know!" Crusher corrected her!

"Oh," Vivian said!

"How the hell can we get to Da Moon?" Pikario asked! "It's in Outer Space and we're... NOT!"

"WELL, YOU CAN GO TO THIS PLACE FAHR-OUWTMANN POST AND ASK THE BOB-OMBS THERE! BOBBERY COULD HELP YOU WITH THAT! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Franklyidunno shouted!

"Ah, Fahr-OuwtMan Post... good times... good times..." Bobbery reminisced!

Pikario got pissed! "Shut up! We need to go there, so go already!"

"OH, YEAH, AND YOU NEED THE ULTRA-ASS HAMMER IN ORDER TO GET THERE, SO GO AND GET THAT FIRST!" Franklyidunno told the group as they ran off, Bobbery leading the way!


Along the way, Pikario's Nintendo DS started ringing, shouting "YOU'VE GOT MAIL! BETTER ANSWER IT BEFORE I SHOOT YOUR ASS!"!

Pikario took it out and looked at it! "Since when can you use a DS as a computer?"

"Since any handheld made by Nintendo is almighty and overpowering!" Ms. Rwatt answered!

Pikario opened the DS! "She's got a point... WHAT?"

Bobbery peeked over his shoulder to see Pikario's DS! "What's the trouble, old boy?"

"THIS E-MAIL'S FROM PEACH!" Pikario shouted, excitedly!

Vivian bounced up and down! "Ooh, yay! Read it! Read it!"

"Don't rush me! This MY girl, you know?" Pikario growled, then started reading:

'Hi, Pikario! Look at me! I'm typing! Yay! Guess what? I'm on DA MOON! YAY FOR ME! And there's Moon Stuff here! Like rocks and stars and Outside Space! When you get here, be careful because I worry about you and I love you very much and please save me soon because there's this evil guy who wants to use my body to... um…do stuff that I can't say outloud cause it will spoil the plot!'

Love, um... someone whose name I can't remember, but I think it was Peach! Hahaha!'

"Um... a bit of a ditz, isn't she?" Flurrie said.

"I thought she was a lot smarter than that! Like Pikella, or something!" Vivian admitted!

"Smartness has nothing to do with it!" Pikario roared, slamming the DS shut! "I need sex, and to have that, I have to save Peach, so that's what we're doing! NOW, ARE YOU GUYS IN OR OUT?"

"WE'RE IN!" Everybody responded! What Team Spirit!


WHOO-HOO! Now we're all off to get the Final Crystal Star! YAY! Pikario found the Ultra-Ass Hammer on top of a high platform, but instead of Spring Jumping to get it, he just set the entire thing on fire! Wow, nice thinking, Pikario! Anyway, he got the Ultra-Ass Hammer and found the pipe leading to Fahr-OuwtMann Post in the Sewers, so off we go!

Pikario stepped out of the pipe and instantly shivered! "WHAT THE HELL?"

"AHHHH! It's cold! It's cold! OUCH!" Squirt whimpered, jumping back in the pipe!

"This can't be Fahr-OuwtMann Post! It's too cold!" Vivian whined!

"Oh, but it is!" Bobbery, not affected by the frosty climate, informed the freezing group! "I can't believe none of you have ever heard of this place! It's quite cold here."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US THAT BEFORE WE GOT HERE?" Pikella roared at the sailor Bob-omb guy!

Bobbery sweatdropped! "Well, I thought you would all get used to it! It's not that bad..."

Ms. Rwatt laughed! "Bobbery's right, my dearies! A ninja like myself will not be stopped by a little snow and ice! I scoff at you, cold! Scoff, I say!"

"I find this freezing breeze to be quite relieving! It's simply the best! I must plan to relocate my quarters here," Flurrie sang, entranced by the snowflakes!

"Dude, ice doesn't bug me! Water does, but not ice!" Crusher said.

"You're a Fire-type, Flurrie's a freaking Jynx, ninjas are weird, and Bobbery's been here before, but what about the rest of us?" Pikario growled.

"Hey, man! That's what I'm for!" Crusher bragged!

Using a fearsome Flamethrower, Crusher melted most of the snow on the ground! Yay!

Squirt came out of the pipe. "It's kinda nippy, but this is better..."

Pikario raised a fist! "Sweet! Bobbery and Crusher, lead the way, and if either off you slack off, so help me, I will kill you both and eat your intestines!"


Okay... so after Pikario's strange and confusing threat, Crusher continued using Flamethrower around the snow and the partners in order to keep them warm, while Bobbery lead the way to Fahr-OuwtMann Post! Wow, what a team!

"Well, we're here... Now what?" Pikella asked.

Pikario walked up to a random Bob-omb! "You! Tell me how the hell I can get to Da Moon!"

"Ach, mein Gott! Sie sind hier! Sie sind hier! LAUFEN Sie FÜR IHRE LEBEN! DIE FREMDEN SIND HIER!" the Bob-omb replied, running away! 1)

Pikario frowned, then turned to Bobbery, very pissed off! "That guy just said something to me in German..."

Once again, Bobbery sweatdropped! "Oh... well, sorry, old boy... It seems that I forgot to mention that everyone here can only speak that language..."

Crusher sighed! "Well, that's just great! NOW what?"

"Don't fret, now! Fortunately, I had the privilege of growing up here! Therefore, I can also speak fluent German!" Bobbery admitted!

Flurrie sweatdropped. "Darling, don't you think you should start telling us these kinds of things?"


Hooray! Bobbery can speak German! Is there anything this guy CAN'T do? Well, actually, there's a lot of things he can't do, but that's not the point! The point is that Bobbery and friends kept walking along until they found the mayor! Pikario instantly stormed up to him!

"Tell us how to get to Da damn Moon!" he shouted!

"Sie können unsere Bombe hier nicht benutzen, verschwindet jetzt, Sie kleine Bastarde!" the mayor shouted back! 2)

"Pikario, weren't you listening to Bobbery? He just said that everybody here only speaks German!" Pikella reminded the horny Pikachu!

"Zuhört dem Fett Ein und bedenkt Ihr eigenes Geschäft!" the mayor replied! 3)

Pikario frowned! "What'd he say?"

"Was? Wer sind Sie? Ich verstehe Sie nicht!"the mayor asked, annoyed. 4)

"Step aside, Pikario, and I shall see!" Bobbery said.

"Sie können nicht liegen, aber Sie sind unsinnig! Verlassen Sie jetzt, bevor Sie alle tötet!" the mayor said! 5)

"Aussehen! Ich kann Sie verstehen, und ich weiß, dass Sie eine Kanone haben!" Bobbery said! 6)

"Я не понимаю ваши слова," the mayor replied! 7)

Bobbery narrowed his only-seen eye! "Я говорю по-русски, также ..." 8)

The mayor slapped Bobbery somehow! "Schließen es, scheißen Gesicht!" 9)

"Sie HERAUSFORDERN Schlag ein Beamter? Warum spucke ich auf Ihnen und Ihren grausamen Absichten! Spucke, ich sagen!" Bobbery shouted, enraged! 10)

"Sie werden nicht angenommen, andere um die Kanone zu erzählen!" the mayor said! 11)

"Wenn wir nicht machen, könnte die Welt beenden!" Bobbery spat! 12)

The mayor looked surprised! "Oh... Sparende Welt? Gut im Fall... Wenn Sie Goldbomb und Allgemein Rot-und-Weiß finden, mir überlege ich noch einmal. Ohne sie, ist Kanone kaput!" 13)

Bobbery walked away! "Belegt mit einer Geldstrafe dann! Wir werden so machen!" 14)

"What was that all about?" Pikario asked!

"Old chap, the mayor says that we have to find Goldbomb and General Red-and-White in order to start up the cannon!" Bobbery reported!

"I don't even know who the hell those guys are!" Pikario growled!

"Wasn't Goldbomb that guy on the train with his wife and kid?" Crusher asked.

"And I think General Red-and-White was in PeachyKeenburg, but I can't really remember..." Squirt said.

Pikario sighed. "Here we go again..."


So, the team set off to find Goldbomb first! Since the Excess Sex Express was leaving for Pussy Heights, the group went there first!

Goldbomb bounced up and down! "No! No! No! No! No! Bub said he wants to be a basketball player, my dear, therefore, we shall buy him Michael Jackson!"

Sylvia sweatdropped. "No, Goldbomb! We need to buy him supplies so he can become a basketball player! And you mean Michael JORDAN, not Michael JACKSON!"

"SILENCE, WOMAN! WHAT I SAY GOES, CAUSE I'M THE MAN!" Goldbomb roared!

Pikario walked up to the pompous-looking Electrode! "Hey, you Goldbomb?"

Goldbomb turned around! "Yeah? So?"

"We need your ass at Fahr-OuwtMann Post so we can use your freaking cannon to get to Da Moon!" Pikario shouted!

"Okay, but only if you give me all of your money! WAHAHAHAHAHA!" the Electrode laughed all evilly-like until Sylvia knocked him out the way and gave Pikario the Goldbomb Guide to the cannon!

"Here! Take this and use the cannon as you please! My husband won't have any use for it..." she mumbled.

Goldbomb got pissed! "The hell with you! I may not need it right now, but it's the only way I can truthfully say 'POW! TO DA MOON!' HAHAHAHAHA!"

Bub bounced around! "Hey, mom! Can we have Michael Jackson over for dinner? He could teach me how to play basketball!"


And so, with the Goldbomb Guide in tow, Pikario and the others went back to PeachyKeenburg, looking for General Red-and-White!

"General Red-and-White? Yeah, he was here a moment ago, but he just left to go to some island!" a random Koopa informed everyone!

Pikario hit Squirt! "Ass! I told you he wasn't here!"

"I'M SORRY!" Squirt whined!


So, they went to Kill-All Key, but General Red-and-White wasn't there either! What a shitty letdown! The gang ended up going all over the world looking for General Red-and-White! They went to China, Spain, Mexico, Africa, the Netherlands, Indonesia, the USA, Australia, and even Japan, but to no avail! General Red-and-White couldn't be found! Exhausted, the posse went back to Fahr-OuwtMann Post, Pikario griping all the way!

"Well, that was stupid! Damn, where the hell is this guy?" Pikario complained!

"Maybe he's dead..." Vivian mused.

"Maybe the poor dear's in denial and he's avoiding us..." Flurrie said!

"Or maybe he just doesn't give a damn about his cannon!" Crusher added!

Getting back to Fahr-OuwtMann Post, Bobbery went to tell the mayor the bad news!

"Brunnen? Wo ist Allgemein Rot-und-Weiß?" the mayor asked Bobbery. 15)

The sailor Bob-omb sighed! "Ich zweifle, dass jener Mann sogar lebend ist! Wir sind alle um die Welt gereist, aber wir haben versagt, ihn zu finden!" 16)

The mayor frowned! "Lächerlich! Allgemein Rot-und-Weiß ist lebend! Sie finden nur nicht ihn! Sie finden ihn nicht, haben wir keine Kanone! Wir haben keine Kanone, könnte Welt beenden!" 17)

"Aber wir haben Goldbomb gefunden und wir haben den Wegweiser zur Kanone!" Bobbery said, showing him the Goldbomb Guide! 18)

The Voltorb shook his head. "Das nicht gut genug! Nur Rot-und-Weiß kann Anweisungen lesen!" 19)

Bobbery then exploded! "SIE REDEN UNSINN!" 20)

The mayor also exploded! "Ich MACHE KEIN SOLCH DING! VERDAMMEN Sie ES, WIR BRAUCHEN ALLGEMEIN ROT-UND-WEISS, KANONE ZU FEUERN, ODER ES GIBT KEIN FEUERN VON DER KANONE!" 21)

"What do you think they're saying?" Vivian wondered!

"Vivian, no one else here can speak German!" Pikario reminded her!

"But they do look pretty pissed," Crusher said, watching the 2 Voltorbs continuously explode into each other!

While Bobbery and the mayor were arguing, Squirt noticed another Voltorb come out of a house! Looking around, he shrugged, then went back inside!

"Hey... That guy!" Squirt pointed out!

Pikario looked up! "What guy?"

"That guy! Red-and-White! He's in that house over there!" Squirt said.

"Hmmm, well, common sense would've been to look around here first before we went all over the world!" Ms. Rwatt chuckled!

Pikario went over to Bobbery! "Hey, man! We found that Red-and-White guy! ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE EXPLODING!"

Bobbery stopped fighting! "Oh, really? Well, then what are we waiting for?"

"Ihr Pikachu Freund ist sehr dumm! Er erhält in meinem Weg des Kämpfens Sie!" the mayor shouted, blowing up again! 22)

Seeing Bobbery leave with the others made the mayor furious! This caused him to go into a ridiculously long eulogy about how irresponsible Bob-ombs were! How wonderful! Aside from that, the gang found themselves inside General Red-and-White's house, with him sleeping in bed, quite cutely, I might add!

Pikario cracked his knuckles! "Oh, yeah... This guy's gonna get such an ass-whooping when I wake him up!"

Pikella got mad! "Pikario, don't you dare!"

"Shut it!" Pikario pulled out his Ultra-Ass Hammer and started banging on Red-and-White like there was no tomorrow, but he didn't wake up!

"Yikes..." Vivian said!

"Whoever thinks he's dead, raise their hand!" Crusher joked.

Squirt waved his hand weakly! "Maybe you should check for a pulse..."

Pikario threw his Ultra-Ass Hammer away! "Hell no! Someone do something to wake this freak up so I can kill him!"

And so, once again, IT BEGAN! Everybody started attacking Red-and-White, trying to wake him up! Squirt used Water Gun, Flurrie used Body Slam, Crusher used Flamethrower, Vivian used Shadow Ball, Bobbery used Explosion, Pikario kept whacking him with the Ultra-Ass Hammer, and Pikella threw her Tattle Log at him, but nothing was working!

Crusher threw his arms up! "Who is this guy? RIP VAN-STINKIN'-WINKLE?"

Ms. Rwatt loomed over Red-and-White! "Hmmm hmm! I know what he needs!"

Pikario swung his Ultra-Ass Hammer about! "An ass-kicking, right?"

Ms. Rwatt yanked on Red-and-White's mustache, causing the Voltorb to wake up! Holy hell!

"去在這裡是關於究竟甚麼?" 23) Red-and-White asked!

Pikario swetdropped. "Hey, Bobbery... You can speak Chinese, right?"

Bobbery frowned. "No..."

"Just fucking great..." Pikario grumbled!

"嘿嘿!是的,好地看來我終於找到了你!" 24) Red-and-White shouted happily!

"Um... you understand us, right?" Squirt asked.

"Da... I speak the English!" General Red-and-White announced!

"Then what the hell was up with the Chinese?" Pikario demanded!

"What? It doesn't hurt to practice does it?" Red-and-White laughed, bouncing up and down! He was obviously a very happy kind of guy!

"Well, that's a relief..." Pikella sighed.

"Anyway, Pikario! I was looking for you! I need the Goldbomb Guide so I can start the cannon!" Red-and-White said.

"You mean to tell me that we've all over the fucking world looking for YOU and YOU were looking for US?" Pikario growled!

Red-and-White bounced! "It would seem so!"

Pikario suddenly towered over Red-and-White with a lot of flames and blood-curdling screams in the background! "YOU BASTARD! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK FOR US TO FUCKING FIND YOU? I'LL KILL YOUR ASS!"

Red-and-White sweatdropped! "Hey! Hey! I'm sorry! I didn't know! And if you kill me, then who's gonna get you to Da Moon?"

Pikario calmed down and sweatdropped. "You've got a point..."


Leading the group past the mayor, still rampaging about immature Bob-ombs, General Red-and-White lead the others to the main part of Fahr-OuwtMann Post! After calling a few other Bob-ombs, General Red-and-White started up the cannon!

Pikario looked around! "Where the hell's that damn cannon? If that thing could get us to Da Moon, you'd think you could actually see it!"

"Maybe it's invisible!" Vivian proposed!

Pikario glared at her! "No... it's not..."

Just then, BOOM! A big-ass cannon appeared out of nowhere! It was huge! So huge, in fact, that the very tip was, like, inches away from Da Moon! At that length, Pikario would be better off just climbing up the damn thing!

Pikario looked up at the thing! "Holy crap!"

Squirt sweatdropped. "Don't you think that's a little too close to Da Moon?"

"If we fire off in it like that, we could go right through it!" Vivian panicked!

"And maybe even outside the Solar System!" Crushed added!

"No worries!" Red-and-White said, loading thousands of random Bob-ombs that obviously didn't live in Fahr-OuwtMann Post into the cannon! "You'll go straight there! I promise!"

Pikario grabbed his 'stache! "You'd better be right, man..."

So, Pikario and friends got all their important shit done and were loaded inside the cannon!

3...

2...

1...

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! The cannon was launched and Pikario and company went FLYING! WHEEEEE!

Red-and-White watched as they all disappeared into the sky, which soon began raining with hundreds of dead or unconscious Bob-ombs! "Good luck, Pikario! AND GODSPEED!"


Meanwhile, in Outer Space, everybody was hurdling through the air!

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Vivian shouted! "This is fun!"

"OH NO! I'M GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA DIIIIIIE!" Squirt shouted, withdrawing into his shell!

"I SAY!" Bobbery exclaimed, spinning out of control, due to his spherical shape!

"I THINK I'M GONNA PUKE!" Pikella groaned!

"You'll get used to it!" Kirby happily said, riding on his Warp Star, only appearing in this chapter because he likes Stars and Outer Space!

"Look! Da Moon!" Vivian pointed out!

The group went by Da Moon!

Flurrie sighed. "Oh, dear..."

Ms. Rwatt sweatdropped. "Um... maybe we can get on Mars?"

"Look! Mars!" Vivian shouted!

The group went by Mars!

Pikella went wide-eyed! "That can't be good..."

"What the fuck? That Red-and-White guy's dead meat when I get back!" Pikario rampaged!

"IF we get back!" Crusher corrected him!

"Look! Jupiter!" Vivian shouted!

The group went by Jupiter!

"Stop saying that, Vivian! You're jinxing us!" Crusher demanded!

Flurrie looked peeved! "Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry! It's just really appropriate!" Vivian apologized!

"Well, stop it!" Crusher ordered!

Then, Squirt came out of his shell! "Look! Saturn!"

The group went by Saturn!

"SQUIRT!" Pikario bellowed!

"I COULDN'T HELP IT!" Squirt whined, going back into his shell!


WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Everybody crash-landed on, wouldn't you know it, URANUS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Pikario pulled his head out of the ground! "GREAT! JUST GREAT! HOW AM I GONNA GET DA MOON, NOW? WE'RE ON FUCKING URANUS!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Bobbery laughed for some reason!

Vivian was shocked! "REALLY? EWW!"

"He means the planet, dumbass..." Crusher shrugged.

"Oh... EWWWW!" Vivian scowled at the ground!

Flurrie straightened her hair. "We might as well look around the place! Maybe we can ask for help!"

"From what? A rock?" Ms. Rwatt picked up rock and threw it into Outer Space!

Pikella was busy thinking! "Hmm..."

"Hey, guys... how can we breathe?" Crusher asked!

Pikella started to say something, but suddenly stopped when she realized that there was no logical explanation to Crusher's question! As a result, everyone just sat in silence for the next 10 minutes until Pikario randomly slapped Squirt in the head for no apparent reason!

"Come on! Who cares how can breathe here? WE JUST CAN!" he shouted!


So after that, the gang went in search of something else besides rocks and space! AND THEY SOON FOUND IT IN THE FORM OF AN X-YUX!

The X-Yux bounced about! "Look! LOOK! I'm an X-Yux! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X! X!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Pikario fired off a bazooka and blew up the annoying X-guy, allowing his journey for sex with Peach to continue!

After a while of floating around on Uranus... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ...they came across a big, freaky building with a lot of lights coming from it!

Crusher looked off into the distance at the big, freaky building with a lot of lights coming from it! "Hey! That place over there must be the X-Nauts' base!"

"Last one there's an evil X-Naut!" Vivian joked!

Pikario frowned. "Don't get cute..."

"But I thought it was on Da Moon..." Pikella wondered!


Despite what Pikella thought, the posse ran towards the big, freaky building with a lot of lights coming from it! When they got in, they were confronted by 2 scary-looking Elite X-Nauts!

"Hey, man! Isn't that, like, Pikario over there?" one of them asked the other one!

"DUDE! IT IS!" the other Elite X-Naut freaked out!

"So, man, should we, like, get them and stuff?" one asked!

"Dude! Totally!" the other one agreed!

"Yeah, right..." Crusher sighed, using Fire Blast and killing both Elite X-Nauts before the fight even started!

"Damn, man! They, like, killed us and stuff!" one said!

"Dude! We should totally run away!" the other said!

"Dude... You mean 'float'..." one corrected!

"Whatever..." the other one said, as they both flew off!

Flurrie then noticed a sign! "Oh my! It seems that this ghastly place is called'The X-Nauts' Evil Fortress That Was Once on Da Moon, But Recently Relocated to Uranus... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ...In Order to Trick Pikario Into Going to Da Moon With No Way Back To Wherever the Hell He Came From! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!' How absurd!"

"And it's dumb!" Crusher added!

Yay! Crusher got a lot of experience points! And now, the boring stuff begins! Pikario went all over the X-Nauts' Evil Fortress That Was Once on Da Moon, But Recently Relocated to Uranus... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ...In Order to Trick Pikario Into Going to Da Moon With No Way Back To Wherever the Hell He Came From! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He walked across electric floors, stole some stuff from Grodius' room, and found a note!

Bobbery read the note! "It says 'Today's code is PAPERMARIO:TTYDISAWESOMEANDIFYOUDON'THAVEITYOU'REASHITFACE!'"

Pikario sweatdropped. "Okay..."


Okay, indeed! Pikario used the note and/or passport thingy and went all over the X-Nauts' Evil Fortress That Was Once on Da Moon, But Recently Relocated to Uranus... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ...In Order to Trick Pikario Into Going to Da Moon With No Way Back To Wherever the Hell He Came From! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He did this until he came to a room with a Steelix statue!

"What's with that, hmmmmmmmm?" Ms. Rwatt wondered, touching the Steelix!

"GRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" the metal thing roared, waking up!

"Yawn," Pikario plainly sighed!

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA! JUST LIKE THE NORMAL THWOMP BEFORE ME, I SHALL CHALLENGE YOU TO THE 66TH ANNUAL SUPER-FUN QUIRK QUIZ AND WIN!" the Steel snake laughed!

Just then, the entire background turned into that of the "Jeopardy" set, with Pikario, Vivian, and Bobbery as the 3 contestants! Why? I DON'T KNOW!

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA! FIRST QUESTION, ASSHOLES! WHAT'S HIDDEN HERE?" the Steelix asked!

Vivian buzzed in! "A MONKEY!"

"WROOOOOOOOOOOOOONG, YOU BISEXUAL FREAK! YOU LOOOOOOOOSE!" he shouted!

Vivian got sad! "Aww..."

"You can never stop me now!" the Metallic Thwomp laughed!

Pikario buzzed in! "We're looking for sex! And a way to kill you! Whichever one comes first!"

"OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DAMN! THAT'S THE'S TECHNICALLY CORRECT ANSWER! SHOOT! YOU WIN!" the Thwomp that really wasn't a Thwomp said!

BOOM! Everything went back to normal... if you call this shit normal!

The Thwomp thingy dropped a Game Boy Color! "Aw! You won my Game Boy... COLOR! Fine then, but I still don't like you!"

So, taking the not-as-almighty-as-the-Game-Boy-Advance Game Boy Color, but much better that the crappy one that takes up 4 freaking batteries, Pikario carried on with his ridiculous quest for sex and pleasure!


After a while, Pikario and friends found themselves in a big... room... THING! With... LIGHTS... and... A METAGROSS! OH NO!

"BUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH! LOOK! I SAID IT WITHOUT COUGHING THIS TIME! I AM INVINCIBLE!" the Iron Leg thingy said!

"Oh, my god! It's some kind of an Evil... Iron Leg... thing!" Squirt pointed out!

"Yeah, I'm... HEY! Damn it, I'm Lord Crump! HELLO?" the creepy Psychic/Steel Iron Leg thing with red eyes said! "I've trained so hard that I have become my ultimate form!"

"Eww, you look even uglier than you did last time!" Vivian said!

"No, I don't! I am in my supreme form of supremeness!" Crump laughed, quite evilly I might add!

"Well, you still suck!" Crusher said!

""BUH HUH HUH HUH! FOOLS! I also had Magnus Von Grapple rebuilt into his supreme form, as well!" Crump added, getting inside a giant, blue and blackish thing with a red 2 on it! "I wanted everybody to know that I he was reformed, so I named him Magnus Von Ass-Kicker, the 2.0 Version of Magnus Von Grapple! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Okay... But why are you here and not on Da Moon like you were supposed to be, darling?" Flurrie asked!

Crump sweatdropped. "Oh, um... Well, you see... It sorta went something like this..."

START FLASHBACK!

"Lord Crump! Lord Crump! It's Pikario! He's on his way to Fahr-OuwtMann Post to use their cannon! If he gets here, we'll be finished!" an X-Naut reported!

"And no one knows where Sir Grodius is! WE'RE ALL DOOMED! DOOMED, I SAY! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!" a crazy Elite X-Naut screeched!

"Dude, that's so not cool..." the X-Naut said!

Lord Crump slapped the crazy Elite X-Naut! "Shut up! Now that we have Magnus Von Ass-Kicker, the 2.0 Version of Magnus Von Grapple, we shall triumph over Pikario!"

"But he'll still storm the Base, looking us!" an X-Naut PhD said!

Crump sighed. "Maybe we should relocate?"

"Yeah! And confuse Pikario, so when he gets to Da Moon, he'll be trapped there!" an Elite X-Naut said!

"BUH HUH HUH HUH! PERFECT! Now, let's go pack our things and go to Uranus, because it has a funny name!" Crump ordered!

END FLASHBACK!

"And that's how it all happened!" Crump finished!

"Has it ever occurred to you that you guys are complete and total asses?" Crusher asked!

Crump got pissed!" No, because we aren't!"

ENTER BATTLE MODE! LOOK! WE'RE FIGHTING ON URANUS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Pikella used Tattle! "That's Magnus Von Ass-Kicker, the 2.0 Version of Magnus Von Grapple! He's the new and improved version of Magnus Von Grapple, that creepy pink robot we met back in the Great Googly Woods! Well, at least he's not pink anymore... but he is a lot stronger now!"

"MWAHAHAHA! This thing doesn't have any tissues!" Crump shouted!

Pikario shrugged. "So?"

Crump sweatdropped. "Um... SILENCE!"

Magnus Von Grapple 2.0 used Rocket Fist and did, like, 145 damage to Flurrie! OH NOOOOOOO!

Crusher used Flamethrower! It's Super Effective!

Pikario used Thunder! IT DIDN'T WORK!

"MWAHAHAHAHA! YOU SEE? You can never defeat me, Pikario! BUHUHUHUH!" Crump laughed madly!

Crusher used Fire Blast! It's Super Effective!

Then, POOF! Congratulations, Crusher has evolved into a Charizard! Thank the heavens!

"I SAY!" Bobbery shouted!

Vivian sweatdropped. "Again?"

Squirt started to cry! "How come he gets all the glory? I wanna be a big man, too..."

"BAH! Charizards aren't enough to stop me, and I'll prove it, too!" Crump shouted!

Then, he used Magnus Von Ass-Kicker, the 2.0 Version of Magnus Von Grapple to suck up the audience and use them on Pikario! OH NO!

"And I'll prove that Charizards can't be stopped by anything!" Crusher shouted and he used Blast Burn, the thing that you can only get in Red Fire/Leaf Green Versions, by the way! HAHAHAHAHA!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Magnus Von Ass-Kicker, the 2.0 Version of Magnus Von Grapple EXPLODED!

EXIT BATTLE MODE! HOLY SHIT! WE BEAT THAT ROBOT AGAIN!

"GAH! DAMN YOU, PIKARIO! DAMN YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!" Crump shouted, blasting off into Outer Space and almost hitting Kirby's Warp Star!

Kirby got mad! "Hey, man! Watch where you're going! There are other people in Outer Space, too, you know! GOD!"

KA-BOOO... Aw, you get the idea... Magnus Von Ass-Kicker, the 2.0 Version of Magnus Von Grapple exploded and left behind the Crystal Crystal Star!

Pikario frowned. "The Crystal Crystal Star?"

"That's stupid!" Pikella spat!

"It should be something like the Super-Duper-Pretty Crystal Star!" Vivian said!

Pikario shrugged. "Eh...Okay..."

"Hey, look! We did it together! We're the Magnificent Seven!" Vivian claimed!

"Oh, really?" Flurrie questioned!

"Right! We're... um... cool?" Squirt asked!

"And there's seven of us!" Bobbery added!

Pikella rolled her eyes! "Duh!"

"We're really something, hmm mmm!" Ms. Rwatt said!

"And I'm a Charizard!" Crusher reminded everyone!

"Whatever..." Pikario mumbled, getting the Star!

TAAAAAAAAA-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Pikario got the Super-Duper-Pretty Crystal Star! His Star Power is Now 8! He Can Use the Attack "Supernova"! YAY!

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ALL RIGHT! THAT'S IT! That was the last Crystal Star and Pikario got it! And you know what that means! That's right! Now, we can actually go INSIDE the Very Old Door Thingy! Unfortunately, Pikario has yet to find Princess Peach or Grodius! Where the hell could they be? Only time will tell! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


Bowser's (Last) Event!

MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Bowser and Kammy arrived in Pussy Heights, looking for the Garnet Crystal Star! In doing so, they ended up running into Pennington in the Pussy Museum!

Bowser slapped the Delibird! "Hey! You! Where the hell is the fucking Crystal Star?"

Of course, Pennington got pissed! "AH HA! MORE COMMUNISTS! COME TO RAID MY EXTREMELY EMPTY MUSEUM, I SEE! WELL, THAT'S JUST TOO BAD FOR YOU! SHIGERU MIYAMOTO ALREADY STOPPED BY AND HE'S A GENIUS, SO I GAVE HIM THE CRYSTAL STAR! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"GOD DAMN IT! WHY WAS SHIGERU MIYAMOTO HERE? WHAT DOES HE NEED WITH THE CRYSTAL STARS?" Bowser growled, stomping the ground!

Kammy sighed. "Well, he did make this game..."

"No, he made "Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door"! Damn it, now what?" Bowser snarled!

Then a Koopa solider guy came in! "Lord Bowser! It seems that Pikario has gotten all the Crystal Stars and he's headed for the Very Old Door Thingy!"

Bowser was outraged! "WHAT? HE IS? Quick, to the Very Old Door Thingy!"

Kammy saluted her master! "Yes, sir!"

DUNA-DUNA DUNA-DUNA DUNA-DUNA DUNA-DUNA! BOW-SERRRRRRRR!

Uh oh! It looks like Bowser and Pikario might just face off once again!


Meanwhile, back on Uranus! ...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Pikario was lost in the X-Nauts' Evil Fortress That Was Once on Da Moon, But Recently Relocated to Uranus... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ...In Order to Trick Pikario Into Going to Da Moon With No Way Back To Wherever the Hell He Came From! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Quick, quick! We must escape and find the Princess!" Bobbery exclaimed!

"But we don't know where she is!" Squirt shrugged!

Crusher sniffed the air! "Ha! Now that I'm a Charizard, my smelling senses are some of the best around! I can smell anything now!"

"Why?" Squirt asked!

Crusher used Fly on Squirt and knocked him over! "DO NOT QUESTION THE MIGHTY CHARIZARD, FOR I HOLD THE POWER OF DOING ANYTHING I WANT BECAUSE THE ALMIGHTY AUTHORESS LIKES CHARIZARDS!"

It's true! I DO love Charizards, not as much as Blastoise, but Squirt's not going to evolve anytime soon, so Crusher's the closest we're gonna get! Using his super-awesome powers of smelling stuff, Crusher flew everybody to the bottom floor of X-Nauts' Evil Fortress That Was Once on Da Moon, But Recently Relocated to Uranus... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ...In Order to Trick Pikario Into Going to Da Moon With No Way Back To Wherever the Hell He Came From! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


Upon arriving in some weird-smelling room, Pikario slammed his face on a towel on the floor!

"This towel!" Pikario huge a HUGE whiff! "It's covered with vaginal juice!"

Pikella sweatdropped. "Did you really have to announce that?"

Pikario smelled the room! "Peach... she was...in heat... SHE WAS JUST HERE!"

Crusher also smelled the room! "She left exactly 2 seconds ago! Damn!"

Pikario ran into another room! "Maybe she's in here!"

"You must... save PEACH! GAH!" TEC said!

Pikario looked up! "What the hell?"

"I said... 'You must... save PEACH! GAH!' Damn, are you deaf, or something?" TEC repeated!

Pikario pushed some buttons and crap! "TELL ME, WHERE THE HELL IS SHE? NOW!"

"It's... Sir Grodius! GAH! He took her... Very Old Door THING! Go and save her ass... before it's too... LATE! GAH!" TEC blinked on and off crazily!

Pikario rammed his head into TEC's keyboard! "TELL... ME... NOW... YOU PIECE OF SHITTY-ASS JUNK!"

"I JUST DID, DAMN YOU!" the computer shouted, shocking Pikario and killing him, but he came back because I said so! "Take the teleporter thing upstairs and go to her! SAVE HER FOR ME!"

"You filthy bastard! You got her pregnant, didn't you?" Pikario accused!

"I'M A FREAKING COMPUTER! HOW THE HELL CAN I GET SOMEONE PREGNANT?" TEC shouted!

"I do not know!" Pikario replied!

"Yeah... well... take the teleport thingy back to the Very Old Door Thingy and save Peach, or the world will cease to exist!" TEC said!

Pikario knew he didn't want the world to end, due to the fact that he wasn't ready to die yet! So, he used the teleporter and left Uranus! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now, for the climax, but you'll see that next chapter!


And now for a teaser! Oh, I'm so evil!

NEXT TIME! ON "COLLEGE RULE PIKARIO: THE VERY OLD DOOR THINGY!"

Pikario gasped. "What the hell?"

"MWAHAHAHAHA!" Dark Bones laughed!

"PIKARIO?" Bowser was shocked!

Gloomtail stomped the ground! "My sister was an ass, but I'm even more of one!"

Doopliss turned into Shigeru Miyamoto and used VIDEO GAME PWNESS!

Grodius grabbed Peach! "HAHAHA! We went to the zoo and saw a Panda bear!"

"He tried to kill me!" Peach happily announced!

"Eww! She smells like Grape Soda... THE EVIL KIND!" Crusher said, grabbing his nose!

The Shadow Queen laughed evilly! "MWEEEEEEE HEE HEE HEEEEEEEE... I used the evilly evil and flat Grape Soda to stay alive for all these years!"

Sitting in front of an evil-looking coffin-type thingy, Peach waved at Pikario! "Hi, Pikario! Did I mention that we saw the monkeys, too? They were eating cheese and watermelons!"

Franklyidunno got mad! "DAMN IT! GO THROUGH THE FUCKING DOOR ALREADY!"

Pikella got this weird look her face! "Pikario... I think my water just broke..."

"Hey, look! The sky got all dark and stuff!" a random Pikachu pointed out!

"LET'S PARTY! Shroomsworth shouted, wearing some damp underwear on his head!


Authoress' Notes: Hooray! Chapter 7 is finally finished! Next one will be the final Chapter, then the Epilogue, then THAT'S IT! Aside from that chilling fact, here are the translations for this chapter:

1) "Oh, my god! They're here! They're here! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THE ALIENS ARE HERE!"

2) "You cannot use our bomb here, so go away, you little bastards!"

3) "Listen to the fat one and mind your own business!"

4) "What? Who are you? I don't understand you!"

5) "I already told you! I can't understand a word you're saying!"

6) "Look! I can understand you, and I know that you have a cannon!"

7) "I do not understand your words."

8) "I speak Russian, too..."

9) "Close it, shit face!"

10) "You DARE slap an official? Why, I spit on you and your cruel intentions! Spit, I say!"

11) "You're not supposed to tell others about cannon!"

12) "If we don't, the world could end!"

13) "Oh... Saving world? Well, in that case... If you find Goldbomb and General Red-and-White, I reconsider. Without them, cannon is kaput!"

14) "Fine then! We shall do so!"

15) "Well? Where is General Red-and-White?"

16) "I doubt that man is even alive! We traveled all around the world, but we failed to find him!"

17) "Ridiculous! General Red-and-White is alive! You just don't find him! You don't find him, we have no cannon! We have no cannon, world could end!"

18) "But we found Goldbomb and we have the Guide to the cannon!"

19) "That not good enough! Only Red-and-White can read instructions!"

20) "YOU TALK NONSENSE!"

21) "I DO NO SUCH THING! DAMN IT, WE NEED GENERAL RED-AND-WHITE TO FIRE CANNON, OR THERE IS NO FIRING OF THE CANNON!"

22) "Your Pikachu friend is very stupid! He gets in my way of fighting you!"

23) "What on Earth is going on in here?"

24) "Ha ha! Yes, well it seems that I have finally found you!"