This was supposed to be a place of peace and serenity, a place where all was right with the world…but it wasn't for Joe McPherson. He found it hard to be at peace when his family wasn't. His wife was in turmoil, and his daughter was so miserable that she cried herself to sleep. He wanted nothing more than to be able to comfort her…comfort them both really, but Sam, Sam was his priority.
Jane had left the room almost an hour ago but he just couldn't tear himself away. There was something comforting about watching his little girl sleep, even when it was fitful. As he stood beside her bed, unseen and unheard, he wished more than anything that he could just gather her in his arms and tell her it would all be okay.
Jane was the love of his life, his high school sweetheart, the woman who had given him the greatest gift any man could possibly receive…his daughter. She had found love with another man and he was fine with that, he was actually happy for her, and that was surprising even to him. He didn't love her any less, and he could feel that she still held him in her heart…but she had grieved long enough, and he was glad she was finally starting to let go. Turning his attention back to his daughter, he wished she could let go too.
Sam had always idolized him…he had been her hero, her knight in shining armor. He couldn't help but feel like he had let her down, or broken a promise to her. He was dead, and she felt like she was all alone. Little did she know he was always watching her and always with her when she needed him. She had a headache and he smiled thinking about all the times they had talked quietly in the darkness of her room until she had forgotten the pain and fallen asleep.
They had a lot of good times. There was no doubt that Sam loved her mother, but she was definitely daddy's little girl. Sam and Joe McPherson…inseparable and unstoppable. He would gladly spend and eternity burning in the deepest depths of hell if he could just spend one more day with her.
Sunday…Sundays used to be so perfect. He and Jane would wake up at the crack of dawn and head downstairs. Jane would start on a huge breakfast, and he would offer to help but inevitably get kicked out of the kitchen for screwing something up and setting off the smoke alarm…which would wake Sam. He'd settle down in the family room to start on the Sunday paper. Sam would always come curl up against him and attempt to read over his shoulder with sleepy eyes. Without fail she'd fall asleep with her head resting on his shoulder and he wouldn't wake her until breakfast was ready. He wondered if she remembered.
The fear, anger, and hurt were rolling off of her in waves. She was hurting so much, and it broke his heart. No father in his right mind could stand to see his baby, his little girl, hurting like Sam was. Sometimes he wondered if he was really in hell instead of where he thought he was…watching his family suffer was cruel and unusual punishment.
She was so beautiful…she always had been. He laughed as he thought back to the first time he had ever laid eyes on her. That night in the hospital as he held her while Jane slept, he remembered thinking she was the most beautiful, most perfect thing he had ever seen. It was their first father/daughter moment and she became his reason for being. He thought back to the first day she smiled at him. She was six weeks old and had grabbed hold of both his index fingers with her tiny little hands, so small they couldn't even wrap all the way around. She held on to him like she was afraid that he would disappear if she let go and she smiled…a radiant smile, all gums.
That smile, that crooked Sam McPherson smile…it was what made it all worth it. It was the one thing that could always brighten his day. No matter what was going on in his life, no matter how bad his day was, she could always cheer him up. That smile was the reason she had always had him wrapped around her little finger. She would bat those big brown doe eyes at him and flash him a smile and her wish would be his command.
His eyes were drawn to her once more, his sleeping beauty. She grew more beautiful every year. Now his gorgeous little girl was a gorgeous young woman…a gorgeous and unhappy young woman. He felt like he had failed her somehow. He was her father, he was supposed to protect her from any harm or pain…instead he had been the one to cause her pain.
He would never get the chance to intimidate her dates, or threaten to kill the first boy who broke her heart, or walk her down the aisle on her wedding day. He would never get to help her with another article, or be the proudest man in the world when one of her articles made the front page of a major paper. He would never get to be a doting grandfather. It all made him so angry.
He watched as she flailed her limbs wildly, desperately trying to get comfortable…or fight off her nightmares, which one he didn't know. He knew it would be in vain, but he was her father and it was his job to comfort her as best he could. He moved closer to her bed and began to talk into her ear. He knew she couldn't hear him, but he hoped that somehow his words would penetrate her dreams:
Sammy, it's me. I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry about what I've put you through. I can't stand to see you hurting like this and if I could change things I would. There's nothing I want more than to be able to come back to you and your mom and have us live happily ever after…but that can't happen. Try not to be angry with your mom for finding love again. I'm the one you should be angry with.
Your mom…she's just trying to be happy again and she wants you to be happy too. She's not trying to replace me…she couldn't even if she wanted to. Mike's a good guy, he's good to your mom and he'll be good to you if you give him a chance…if he wasn't I'd defy the laws of nature to come back and kick his ass, but I don't think I'll need to do that.
I'll always love you my darling…I'll always be with you. You won't be able to see me or hear me, but I'll be there in your heart. Please try to give this situation a chance. I know it's uncomfortable and I know you miss home, but it wasn't a good place for you and your mom anymore. You two would never be able to move on in a place that held so much of me.
It hurts me to see you like this, Sammy. You keep your head up and you stay strong. You're the strongest person I know and you can get through anything…even this. I know it seems like things will never be good again, but they will. I promise. Make the best of it. Daddy loves you, always.
She had calmed by the time he finished. She wasn't tossing and turning anymore and her breathing was slow and steady. He could've have sworn he'd even seen her lips curl into a little smile. Maybe she'd heard him…he sure hoped so. As he prepared to leave her in peace, he couldn't help but try to stroke her hair and kiss her cheek even though he knew it wasn't really possible. He had the feeling she would be okay somehow, and he held on to that as he faded away.
TBC…
