Flash Ficathon Fic, Spoilers

For Jane who wanted-

Timeline: Spoiler Fic! John realizes Natalie is been taken. How could he have left things like he did?
Keyword: Agony
Don't want to see: Viki

A\N to Jane: Didn't know if you wanted the kidnapping pre fire or post fire so I went post fire and the 'Choice' hope you don't mind.

Guilt

John's hands clench around the bottle in his hand. Fist full of comfort that can numb the pain. Voices whisper at him to dive into that black night, don't remember. Don't think of her.

But that's all he can do.

Ashes.

That's what they think of. They think she is ashes. They don't know.

Fire can't consume itself. She burned to bright to be reduced to black soot. And it covers his clothing. He can't remember why he should care.

They tell him he needs to rest. Like he could, like he would.

Don't they know the prison they are condemning him to? Her voice in his mind, her image in his head- nightmares, fantasies, the line is thin and blurry.

They are out looking for the Killing Club Killer and the mayor wants him off the case. That's about right.

He's guilty

They don't know.

He killed her.

He killed Natalie.

The whiskey burns down his throat and John relishes the pain. Penance for his sins.

Confess. John would if he had anyone to listen. He would list his sins on his fingers.

Instead he lists them in his head.

He killed Natalie.

Slowly but surely took a knife to her heart.

And he didn't care, not from the moment he saw her. He just wanted her. Didn't care that she belonged to another man, didn't care about the danger in it.

Strip her naked, show the scars.

Pretty one to match his own. And she burned so bright, a flame in his dark night.

Paul, Kathryn- take the air out of her sails, make her beg, make her bleed. Steal away the oxygen in the room.

And John can hear himself. "I don't love you, Natalie."

And she didn't even call him a coward- she should have.

She burned too bright.

And he can see her through the flames, her crimson hair reflecting the warm light as it destroyed.

He chose.

He killed Natalie.

In that second he wanted her gone. He wanted the flames to devour her, to take her out of his life. And then they would all leave him be, and no one would push, no one would pull. No one would force him to love again. And he would be alone with his grief.

Another dead love to add to his collection.

Put the pretty girl's face in a frame and carve her name in stone.

Just a moment, just a split second- a rash choice.

And now there is nothing but ash.

And they think its her.

There is a knock at his door and John thinks the devil has come to collect payment.

He will happily fork over his soul. Take the night back, swallow it whole and let her be safe.

Michael pushes the door open and the sour smell of whiskey fills his nostrils. "John?" He looks at his brother lying on the floor, bottles strewn about. "What is this? Come on, Bro, you gotta snap out of it."

John smiles at his brother, not the devil, just an archangel. His words are a broken laugh, sharp slices sliding down his throat. "I lied."

Break her heart. Fire can't consume itself, you just have to take away the air. To kill her, you have to love her.

The tears are unfamiliar rolling down his cheeks. "I lied to Natalie."

And Michael doesn't say anything. He just sits by his brother and lets him confess. After all, they say it is good for the soul.

End-