This is a Dream Rei I know, For I have Had One Before No, You Haven't
"Wake up Rei."
The voice dragged Rei into a semiconscious state. She began to turn slightly, groaning, something cold was digging into her back and side.
"Mmmrm." She moaned out slightly, not entirely wanting to answer the voice.
"Get up now Rei." The voice growled at her. It sounded familiar, like someone dragging their feet through gravel. The First Child thought for a moment, then when remembering whose voice this was, opened her eyes fully and moved herself into a sitting position.
Gendo Ikari stood in all his self deemed glory, standing just a few feet from Rei his glasses glimmered in the artificial light of…NERV? Rei looked around, gently moving her head from side to side, taking it all in. She was back inside NERV! To her left, not five feet away slept Eva-00, its ejection plug open, waiting patiently for her to get in. Over to her right stood Eva-01 and 02, both in the same state as hers. Quickly bringing herself up to a standing position a million questions raced through her mind. Where was she, had Third Impact been entirely a dream, where was Shinji, why was she in the Dock, what was happening, was she truly going to be forced to be Gendo's tool again?
"No, Third Impact happened in a manner I had not quite expected. Still, I am with Yui, and thus, I believe the project to be a complete success." Gendo responded to Rei's own thoughts, in his usual angry tone, but something was different, he seemed to hate speaking with her. What was going on?
"You are dreaming Rei." Gendo once again responded to her thoughts. "Unfortunately I have been taken away from my Yui, and my world to come here and answer all of your questions."
That's why the Commander was so angry, Rei's quest for answers ended in bringing him here. But why were they in the cage, and why…
Rei glared to herself without showing it and took in a deep breath, her mind was going a mile a minute.
"What you are feeling is an unfortunate side effect of being human." The Mickey Mouse-glove handed man said. "When you nearly became one with 15th Angel and it shared it's artificially rendered 'human emotions' with you, you had only felt the beginning of what it is to be human."
Rei was understanding every word as he spoke it, it was unlike her to keep repeating the same questions over and over, and her analytical mind took in everything her former commander was telling her. It was then she noticed it, something very amiss about the Commander, she didn't truly notice it until he sighed, she was too entranced in their conversation. But when he sighed angrily she noticed it, because they twitched slightly. Gendo had two jet black shimmering angel wings. They sprouted out his back, as though they had always been, though their color slightly troubled her, she had to admit they were quite beautiful. They glimmered like a black diamond, like a panther's fur, however disturbing, Rei had to admit, they were beautiful. After a moment of intense staring Gendo caught on to what Rei was looking at, glanced at them, and answered her unspoken question.
"Oh, these? I can only assume this is how you perceive me. This, Rei, is the me, inside of you."
"Do not be sad Shinji Ikari, for I am pleased with where I am." Kawou spoke softly, his voice was nearly enough to stop Shinji's tears…but not quite.
"Bu…but I killed you! I-I held you in Eva's hand and k-killed you, y-you never did anything to me….b..but…I killed a human….you were my friend Kaw…Kawrou, but I failed you. I-I…"
Kawrou smiled, his blue steel colored hair gently moved in the breeze, and he moved slowly over to Shinji to comfort him, pulling him gently into his chest, Shinji cried as hard as he could.
Shinji wept for what seemed like an eternity, the entire time Kawrou held him tightly, like a true friend. It wasn't until then did Shinji noticed the only thing that was keeping the sun out of his eyes were the two grey wings the Forth Child held high so to block the sun. Shinji's eyes tripled in size as he stumbled back, Kawrou looked at him worriedly.
"Wh-what are those?" Shinji screamed out, his voice reaching a high pitch.
Kawrou just smiled and spoke,
"They are a mental
state of how you perceive me. You Lilan see white as perfection, as
you can see I am tarnished. In your mind Shinji, I am flawed."
"I-I
am sorry." Shinji stumbled out, looking down in guilt.
"Do not be sorry
Shinji. It was I who lied to you and betrayed our trust. You made
me your friend, and I betrayed you."
"Bu-but…"
"But
nothing. You only did what you were told to do, a friend to the
end."
Shinji looked down at the ground, still feeling somewhat guilty. Kawrou turned his loving gaze away from the small boy and looked out over the city. The two were at the edge of Tokyo-3, the place where Misato had once taken Shinji to let him see the 'lowering' of the town, the town which, at the time, he had saved. The air was cool, and the sun hair stagnant in the air, just enough to cloud the land in a pink and purple haze.
"Why is it that you Lilan hide the most beautiful parts of your world?"
Shinji walked forward next to Kawrou, who was leaning over the side slightly. Shinji looked at him and wondered how the two had come to be there.
Kawrou smiled,
"You are still very
much a god Shinji. The true creator grew wearily of man's
insolence and finally bestowed onto them his divine powers to please
you Lilan. But his patience will be short lived, and he will soon
ask for you to return them, and when that time comes you will be
forced to make a decision."
"A decision on what?" Shinji
asked fearfully.
"What will become of your world."
"B-but I can't make that decision!"
"You must, for the fate of humanity, you must stand up and face your destiny."
"B-but I can't! I can't make that kind of decision all by myself! A-all I ever do is hurt people…what makes you think I won't do that now. I-I'm a terrible person, a liar, an-and a cheat! There's no way you can make me make that decision."
"You have to Shinji, unlike piloting Eva, you don't have a choice."
There was a silence, and Shinji laid his head on his arms and looked out over the city, the tears wanted to come, but they couldn't, and Shinji tore himself up inside.
The two had been there for quite some time, unlike Gendo, Kawrou had waited until Shinji awoke on his own accord, and had already answered many of his questions. But many things still rushed through his mind, and in the end he was frantically searching for something to hate himself about. When he did this, it was the first time Shinji had ever seen Kawrou look sad, and it took all Shinji's might he had inside him, not to cry. But now, with this new revelation, Shinij didn't care anymore, all he wanted to do was run, and never face or see anyone, ever again.
"That is correct, you
are no longer a genetic byproduct. Unlike your previous forms you
are no longer 'perfect' on a genetic level, your genes are no
longer programmed, you will now heal slower, your hair will begin to
grow at a normal rate, and your preprogrammed intelligence will cease
to be…in other words, you'll be human."
Gendo and Rei
still stood in the same place, five feet from one other, hands
hanging at their sides. She had barely spoken at all, it was her
mind that was doing all the talking, and as ruefully as he could,
answered them in with detail. It was obvious that he was greatly
irritated, and did not want to be here, he wanted to return to his
Yui.
Rei would have liked to grant his wish, but though she did not speak, her mind still asked questions, and Gendo was confined to stay with her until they were all answered.
As Rei looked upon Gendo's annoyed face, she began to once again think about the person she couldn't be with right now, the only person in her life that truly mattered…Shinji. After all he had been through, Rei was beginning to fear for his safety…from himself.
"You have no reason to worry, though my son is a coward, he will continue to live. He could not destroy himself if he tried."
Rei looked at Gendo with anger flashing in her crimson eyes, he had just insulted Shinji, and she felt a fire begin to burn inside of her. Remising from the time Rei had slapped Shinji for insulting Gendo it was much more difficult to control her emotions this time, but before the could do anything rash, smiled with a grunt and replied,
"So, it is what I thought, you are in love, with Shinji Ikari."
"The Second Child's death was not your fault Shinji. Evangelion Unit 1 was contained in bakelite, and could not move. This is just one more incident, that was not caused by you."
"B-but Asuka…she cried out…then she wouldn't help me…"
Shinji's head was still laying on his arms, looking out over the city, only his eyes showing. Kawrou was staring at Shinji, ready to answer his next question that came to his mind. When a fleeting thought of Misato crossed Shinji's mind, Kawrou took this chance and once again tried to relieve Shinji of his own self induced misery.
"She's doing well Shinji, though she's been quite busy with her new family lately."
Shinji turned to Kawrou, his eyes tripled in size,
"H-her what?"
"You have done more for humanity that you could ever fathom..." Kawrou replied, his voice never wavering.
Shinji could not believe his ears, Misato had a family? But how? Kaji was dead and Misato wasn't even pregna-
"Her family is because of you." Kawrou said, interrupting Shinji's thoughts, knowing full well what Shinji's first reaction would be.
"Bu-wha-I-hu-MY FAMILY! BUT I NEVER EVEN…I mean I didn't…She jus-just kissed me!"
Kawrou chuckled to himself softly,
"They are not your family in your Lilan sense, you gave her a Heaven in which to dream up a life for herself…this is what she chose."
"I…I don't think I'll ever understand this…" Shinji said, turning fully around and hunching over, making circles in the gravel with his fingers.
Without a second thought, Kawrou responded,
"You gave everyone a Heaven Shinji, a place where they could physically live their fantasies…some Lilan live just as they had here, other give themselves love, and others just live from dream to dream. You, Shinji Ikari gave the world, gave all existence, their dreams. You have become a hero…Congratulations…"
Gendo Ikari's mouth, just for a split second, fell agape, a look of surprise crossed his face so quickly, that no one except Rei or Yui could have caught it. He quickly composed himself, and with as dry a voice as ever, spoke.
"Are you certain you desire this?"
"Yes." Rei's voice was so soft and so quick, that it did not even resonate from the walls around them, and only her Commander heard her.
"A request such as this will be painful Rei, it will be much worse than anything you have ever felt before."
Rei looked at her former 'father' and nodded slightly. She had finished her interrogation and was ready to wake up, the only item that troubled her were her newfound emotions, she knew it would take ages for her to fully understand them, and even longer to understand those of others. What she was requesting was the only way she believed to be able to understand herself, and her newfound life. The young girl had asked to not only remember every memory she ever had, but also, with full fledged human emotions. Gendo looked at her for a moment, and smiled slight, from his right cheek,
"Goodbye Rei."
Out of nowhere came the most terrifying pain Rei had ever felt, and she immediately fell to her knees, then onto the floor.
PAIN ANGER LOVE JEALOUSY HAPPINESS FEAR
The
memories of all her previous lives sped threw her mind like a flip
book, each page was a different memory, and a different and
excruciatingly powerful emotion.
SUFFERING LONELINESS EXCITEMENT NERVOUSNESS
They came faster and faster, each hitting her with more force than the last, she was growing up in her mind and in her heart too fast, and before she could suck in a last breath of air, Rei passed out, crumpled at the Commander's feet, her nose tripping blood, and her eyes dripping tears.
"Wh-what?" Shinji asked, eyes wide.
"Piloting EVA was her only purpose, reliving the glory days was the only real to make her truly happy again."
Shinji looked over the edge, smiling.
"You know what moment she relives the most Shinji Ikari?"
Shinji looked over to Kawrou worriedly.
"The training you two did to beat her first Angel."
Shinji looked back over the edge of the cliff, Kawrou leaned back facing the mountain side. Kawrou was truly happy, not only was the world of the Lilan beautiful but also the interaction between him and Shinji was always…interesting. Shinji moved slowly, climbing over the metal fence and sat at the grass in front of it, letting the wind blow through his hair, still trying to get a grasp on everything.
"I-I just don't understand." He said finally.
"That knowledge is not necessary. If you choose I could explain every Lilan's fantasy to you. And I would do this, just to set your mind at ease."
"But how? How could I have done this when I don't even understand it!" Shinji cried out, he was still worried greatly about his upcoming decision.
"Why is it that you continually search frantically for ways to hate yourself? Is pain truly that pleasurable to you? How is that you can hate yourself so much?"
"Y-you're not me…you wouldn't understand."
"You are correct," The red eyed boy said climbing over the fence to sit next to his friend, both of their legs hanging off the mountainside, "I am no Lilan, but I can understand man much better than you think."
"I-it's not that I
hate myself for pity…It's just…when I hate myself it takes away
from the pain I cause others…"
"So you give yourself a pain
so powerful that it eclipses anyone else's emotions? So you always
know that no matter what happens to them, you are always suffering
more?"
Shinji looked away in complete disgust, he was pathetic,
a piece of trash, nothing t-
"Did you learn nothing from Third Impact Shinji? You cannot be what others do not perceive you as. You are only you, in another's mind, and nothing else. And truly, for what you have given all of humanity…you are perfect."
Shinji looked over at Kawrou…and shook his head, he could never believe he would be anything, other than a failure.
Rei moved from side to side slowly, the bed she was laying on was soft and warm, though she felt the light from the day hitting her face and knew she had to awake, something was compelling her to stay in the perfection: it was a warm bed. She rotated around until she laid on her back, by far the most comfortable position known to man, and could have stayed there for an eternity, until she heard a concerned, yet beautiful voice inquire,
"Are you feeling any better?"
This was a voice Rei had never heard before, it was like a chime, so thick with something that Rei could not put her finger on, and when she opened her eyes, she saw a very familiar smiling face.
"Good morning…did you sleep well?"
Rei's eyes stayed glued on the twenty something year old woman, she had no idea who she was, and once again, where she was. Glancing around she saw that she was now in the medical area of NERV, the smell of alcohol burned her nostrils, and looking intently at the woman, Rei spoke,
"Identify yourself."
The woman smiled sadly,
"In another life, you could perhaps say I was your mother. My name, is Yui Ikari."
Without a second thought anger flowed up inside of her. It was Yui's fault she had been created, that she had been forced to live day by day in nearly ongoing pain, she was forced to live, until Yui could be brought back.
"I must apologize for the rudeness of my husband." Yui giggled, "I actually believe it was that trait that I found most desirable about him…isn't that funny? Gendo being…Gendo is and was most attractive about him. I guess…it felt nice. He treated everyone around him with a lack of respect, but when it came to me…I was different…I guess it made me feel…special, that he would share that side of himself with me...and no one else."
Rei was taken aback, she had felt the exact same way when she first fell in love with her father, like a child who wants a parent all for their selves', Rei only felt truly alive around Gendo, and at first, she believed he felt the same way.
"I'm…sorry." Yui said wistfully, responding to Rei's previous thoughts, "It was my fault you were forced to suffer. T-to tell you the truth, I had always wanted a daughter…a little sister…for Shinji. But when Evangelion Unit 01 tried to hold me inside, I…stopping thinking so selfishly…and began to moreso think about humanity. That's the true reason I stayed in the Eva."
Looking down at her blanket, Rei knew inside her that it was not Yui's fault she was forced to suffer, it was Gendo's…and she still hated him for it, her fingers wrapping tightly around the sheets.
"Gendo was only
partially correct when he said that emotions were the most painful
thing you would ever experience. But they are also the most
beautiful. All of your short life had been pain, and when you
requested to have it all returned to you, it was too much. What my
husband and all of NERV asked you, Asuka, and Shinji to do was
inhuman, but it is now over…no longer little Rei are you a tool…you
are a young woman. More importantly you are a young woman in
love…and there is nothing more better than that."
Rei let go
of the sheets, and began to once again get the feeling that she was
being torn up inside,
"But how can I be me, when I am still you?"
Yui sat on the bed, a bit too close for Rei's liking, and again smiled.
"Because you have your own soul, your own mind, and your own heart. As you put it so perfectly before Rei, You are Rei Ayanami, and she, is you."
Yui stood up and walked to the window, the gold from the midday sun hit her face beautifully, and Rei could not help but stare.
The older woman gave Rei a smiling side profile of her face and spoke just barely above a whisper, trying her hardest to meet Rei's voice,
"I am glad to have met you. You would make a perfect wife for my little boy."
Rei's eyes opened completely for a minute, and her face flushed…she was blushing…and smiling.
"You may wake up now…my little Rei."
"Kawrou…can I ask you something?" Shinji asked the other boy, he had resumed his position sitting in front of the fence, letting his legs dangle.
"Of course."
"Wh-what do you dream of…i-in you heaven?"
Kawrou looked at Shinji with a hint of sadness in his face,
"I am no Lilan, I do not dream Shinji."
"Oh…" Was Shinji's only response.
The two sat on the top of the mountainside in silence for some time, still lapping up all the misery he could find.
"What about Aya-Ayanami?"
"That is something you should be very proud of. You gave her what she never had, a true life, no longer is she a replica of your mother, she is a whole new human."
"But…I brought her into a world of pain and suffering, how could I do that to her?"
"I think she is happy just being with you…" Kawrou whispered to himself, Shinji, thinking he caught what Kawrou said looked at him with his a look of shock on his face,
"She is alive, and she is not alone…you have done well with Rei Ayanami as well."
Looking back out over the city in the cool night air Shinji smiled slightly, and Kawrou knew he was finally getting through to him, but there was one more item they had to discuss.
"There is one more item we must discuss before we leave this place."
"W-what? I don't want to leave, I want to stay here…with you Kawrou!" Shinji yelled out worriedly, he was saddened instantly by the realization that he must one again leave his best friend.
"I am sorry Shinji but you must, it is not in your Lilan nature to constantly dream, you must at one point awake."
"B-but…I can't loose you again Kawrou…you were the only one who…who…"
"Was there for you? No…I was just the only other who made it so obvious. Many others were there for you, you could just not see it."
Shinji looked down, beginning to tear up again, he did not want to leave at all.
"Shinji you must.
But we will see each other again."
"When?" The Third Child
asked, looking up with happiness strewn across his face, Kawrou
smiled in return and spoke,
"When you are asked
to make your decision on what will happen to this world."
"B-but…I-I
can't."
"You can…and you must."
SHINJI? A whisper-like voice came from the sky.
Kawrou looked up and instantly recognized Rei's voice,
"She awoke earlier than I thought she would."
"Wh-what was that?" Shinji asked, looking around worriedly.
"It seems that I am not the only one who knows that you need to wake up."
"Ayanami?"
Kawrou nodded in response, "You do not have to fear her anymore Shinji, she is just the way you perceived her before Dr. Akagi showed you her husks. You must go to her."
"Bu-but Kawrou I…"
Kawrou stood, helping Shinji up. He turned from facing the sky and looked Shinji right in the eye with a smile,
"She needs you now."
"I-I understand…"
"Goodbye Shinji
Ikari, we will meet again."
"Kawrou…"
Shinji took one last look at the beauty which was mankind's last great city, then looked toward the sky. As he began to awake he heard Kawrou's voice echoing in his mind,
"If I were to dream, if I were to have my own heaven…it would have been spent with you…Shinji Ikari…"
