Millimeter Smile
Shinji's nervous hand shook gently as he maneuvered around the pile of dirty clothes; he picked up a crumpled t-shirt and two pairs of pants and placed them in his laundry basket. Eyeballing the two pairs of panties and single bra, he was trying, as usual, to pick up everything else in the messy room before he had to pick up those items.
Rei glanced up from her writing to look at Shinji; she nearly smiled at his red face and shaking hand, then returned to her novella.
It had been three weeks since the mall incident. It had ended on a odd note: Shinji, with an act of brilliance, thought it might be nice for Rei to write down all her new emotions in a journal, found a leather bound version of one and tucked it away until they returned home. The next night when the two spent their usual preslumber stay on the balcony, a very out of character Shinji gave Rei a gift complete with the Shinji 'uhs' and 'ums', which she received with a very out of character blush. Shinji explained how the journal worked and Rei looked at it lovingly, not because it was really that wonderful of a present, but because it was from Shinji. She did not know how to react whatsoever, so the young girl did what she always did, nodded and turned back to the night's sky. Though she clutched the book dearly, Shinji was almost hurt at her lack of display of emotion.
For the first three days the book sat on the dresser near Asuka…or Rei's new bed. After some much internal debating, and a pleading look from Shinji, Rei sighed and decided to write something. It only took a few minutes for Rei to most graciously fall in love with her tiny book. It was perfect! She could now write down every emotion she had during her 'high' and when she returned to her more analytical, normal, self, she could digest it and try to interpret it. It was a more acceptable way to spend her time other than reading she decided and it became much more productive use of her time.
The newest 'chapter' in her journal as Shinji called it read as followed.
I believe I am no longer Rei Ayanami. I have changed somehow with the appearance of The Commander and his wife in my dream. The emotions that now attacking me at an exceedingly quickened pace. My 'newest' emotion is less distressful, it is more like the pleasant feeling of drifting in an ocean, and it occurs on every even day. I have noticed, because of Shinji's cleaning rituals, that he had found my way of keeping well kept insufficient, and instead chose to do all the duties himself, including my own room. I have also noticed that the dirtier the room, the longer he will spend in it while I sit on my bed, writing. It is odd an occurrence as simple as his presence gives me such a pleasurable emotion.
Though Rei's writings mirrored her thoughts to the letter, she never outwardly expressed her emotions; she did not smile, laugh, cry, wince, or even blush…when she could help it. Rei had mixed emotions about her journal, sometimes she enjoyed it and other times she hated it, she enjoyed the pleasure that the boy gave her, but did not enjoy the inability to control herself…currently, if she had a choice whether to keep her emotions or lose them, she decided with all of herself that she would choose to lose them. She felt as though she was losing her identity. As she put it before, Rei Ayanami is no longer who she was.
Shinji leaned forward and slowly picked up one of Rei's bras. He was very careful to make sure that he touched as little fabric as possible.
The young pilot of Eva Unit 1 was as torn up inside as his friend. With the help of Beethoven's classical music that poured out of the headphones, which always seemed to be attached to Shinji's skull, and the fact that he was trying to give Rei a world and a life to live in he was slowly starting to hate himself less. His trips to the balcony only were at night, and they were just to watch the city light up and…to stand by Rei. Shinji's thoughts were not constantly about her like Rei's were about him, but moreso on the fact of what to do next, where was everyone, and what had he really done to this world… But there was a feeling for her that was beginning to peak through, and it was not purely sexual or needy like it had been with Asuka. He knew his feelings for the fiery redheaded pilot were at first sexual but then changed as everyone neared Third Impact, Asuka had been the only person there for him, the only one he could really talk to, he needed her not because he liked her truly, but she had just become the only person he could trust.
The feelings that flooded him every time Shinji saw Rei were completely different, it was as though he was just happier in her presence, and he had fun with her and the becoming not so awkward silences they shared. There was something that he loved most about her though, and it was her scent. She never wore perfume, nor did she use the Green Apple shampoo that he did, and even her deodorant and soap were unscented. Yet the young girl had a scent to her, the aroma of cleanliness, the smell of perfection, the aura of Rei. At night's Shinji found himself moving a closer and closer to Rei, what disturbed him most though, even though he loved this scent, it reminded him of his mother, and though he moved closer physically, Shinji moved farther away emotionally, staying just out of reach of real affection. He had withdrawn not only because of her fragrance that reminded him of his mother, but her other mannerisms were oddly familiar as well, and from time to time Shinji remembered where Rei had come from. A tube, full of his mother's blood.
Walking out of the room, basket in hand, with an out of sight disappointed Rei looking out at him, Shinji shuddered at his thoughts.
Rei looked out at the empty doorway with her insides twisting around in a way that she had deemed unpleasant, always feeling this way whenever she was alone. In her previous life the thought of being alone did not bother her, in all actuality she preferred it, the only times she 'enjoyed' being around people was in the Commander's presence. Since then though her heart had left him and turned to Shinji, and it was different, so much stronger, nearly overpowering, and with him being only 10 feet away, Rei did not understand why even though she could still see the young boy's shadow outside the thin paper walls, why she missed him so dearly.
"I do not understand this." She whispered to herself, and began translating her feelings into diagnosis-like writing in her journal.
Shinji had just finished laundry nearly two hours later and gently wiped the bit of sweat from his brow, he was not looking forward to doing laundry once the power in the city would cease, and he worried that it would happen any day now. Every morning when he awoke he crossed his fingers and slowly opened one eye at a time to look at the digital clock he had set next to his bedding.
Folding Rei's last t-shirt and dropping it into the basket he couldn't wait to start dinner, the sooner dinner was over, the sooner the two could get to the balcony, and Shinji could once again try and have a full conversation with the last girl on Earth. He smiled to himself at that thought, Asuka had once told him she would not date him if he was the last person on Earth, what if she would have awoken next to him? What would she say now?
After a delicious meal of noodles and rice for Rei, and noodles, meat and rice for Shinji, and after all the dishes were done Shinji breathed in deeply, taking in as much of the night and of Rei as he could. He looked down regrettably as he knew that him and Rei could never be.
Rei glanced out over the city, picking her brain as much as possible. Rei had to practically meditate, to drown herself in her own thoughts just so she would not lose herself to the emotions that Shinji caused her to have. She was desperately looking for something, and right before she lost the battle and gave into her 'new Ayanami' emotions, she saw something swaying gently in the cool night's air. Squinting, it flickered in and out of the light she could not fully tell what the object in question was.
"Shinji?" She requested in the darkness, hearing Rei call him by his first name caused Shinji's face to redden.
"Yes, Rei?"
"What is that?" The girl asked.
Shinji had to follow Rei's gaze to see what she was looking at. Barely making it out he could tell it was a swing, he didn't exactly see it but it was just it's relative location near the apartment that gave him the ability to make it out.
"That's the park. A-Asuka and I us…we used to walk by it everyday." Shinji looked down, sadly thinking of his old roommate and how he would never see her again. Shinji had found a new way to torture himself, by letting his head remind him of all the things he would never see again. To be honest, he missed the redheaded young girl.
"I wish to go there." Rei said. It was the only thing that came to her mind; she was trying to pull Shinji away from his thoughts.
Shinji looked and at the girl who's gazed stayed complacently on the park. 'Wished'. This was a word Rei had been using more and more, he knew she was beginning to mature and was glad to see it, she was no longer only acting on what she needed, but she was beginning to do what she actually, wanted, and Shinji tried everything in his power to give her that. Smiling he knew that he no longer did this because he felt like he had to, because it was he had brought her to this world, but instead because he wanted to, and the more time he spent with her, the happier he became.
The next morning after breakfast Shinji came out of the shower drying his hair, Rei was once again on the balcony, trying to get a better look at their destination. Walking up to her he asked her if she wanted to go today, she barely nodded her head yes, and the two set out.
Immediately Rei regretted coming. This place had looked so much more beautiful in the evening sky, but in reality it was nothing more than a few oddly shaped chunks of steel and a ugly gravel floor.
On the other extreme, Shinji was ecstatic he had always stared longingly at the park every time he and Asuka would pass, wanting to relive his childhood days, but Asuka would always pick on him for it, and regrettably, they would continue walking. He quickly jogged toward the swing set, shuddering as he passed the sand box…those were memories he never wanted to relive. Once he reached the swings he sat down and just enjoyed the feeling of it for a moment, before finally coming to and realizing that Rei was standing just outside the entrance, she was staring at one of the curly red slides with a hint of distaste.
"Come on over Rei!" He screamed just a bit too loud, his voiced echoed off the nearby buildings.
Why has this cylinder been sliced in half and bent into this awkward position? Rei asked herself as she looked at the slide; this is what Shinji was so excited about? Though the crimson eyed girl was in love with Shinji, he was far from perfect, and his immaturity sometimes irritated Rei. She sighed inwardly and entered walking toward the swings, Shinji practically giddy with excitement held a swing for her and when she sat down he began to push her.
"Please, do not do that." Rei expressed lightly with almost a sharp tone, she had never been on a swing before and was used to having complete control of her surroundings.
The Third Child's excitement practically evaporated by Rei's tone, though she was intentionally being mean, it cut through the young boy's confidence like a knife, and he walked solemnly over to the sandbox, and put his finger in the sand, tracing it around in circles. He was definitely not going to get in, but the sandbox gave him a slight feeling of pain he thought he deserved.
Rei was having the worst time of her life. Unlike her Eva she was not able to have complete control over the swing, and the metal bars were digging into her delicate arms. The swing would not respond to her, though she wanted to move just back it forth, it would move slightly to the left or to the right on it's own accord, and was beginning to make Rei sick. Unfortunately it was going to fast for her tiny shoes that she had regrettably worn to stop herself, she looked up at Shinji for assistance, but he was lost in a world of his own.
I was just trying to help her…Shinji thoughts were shooting through him a mile a minute…why is it that I hurt or offend everyone I come into contact with? It's just…Shinji's thoughts went on for several moments until he finally tried to shake them away, glancing back toward Rei she was obviously not having fun. Staring at her he wished he had not brought her here, but still, even mad, she was still beautiful. Her blue hair swirled around in the light air, her crimson eyes glistened in the midafternoon sun, and her school dress that she was wearing once again was moving as she swung and a slight draft brought it up so he could just see her pan…Shinji's eyes doubled their size at this sight as was about to turn away in shame when he noticed Rei was no longer on this swing but had instead tried to stop herself with her left foot, but hitting a rock caused her to trip and with the speed of the swing launched her on a collision course with Shinji. Before he could even yell out she hit him hard, their faces bluntly hitting each other as the two sailed back into the sand box, Shinji's lips grazed Rei's for a split second and the two slid across the sand.
Shinji laid back and did not make eye contact with Rei, her expression was, Rei-like and never terror nor surprise came across it even when she was sent flying away from the swing. Her expression was the same as it would be if she were fighting in her Eva, a calculating face where she accepted what was about to happen and tried to minimize the painful effect. Once again, as if it were a motif, Rei and Shinji were entangled with each other. Rei looked down at the young boy who tried his hardest not to look into her eyes, sitting up she slowly moved off him and sat nearby, nursing her bleeding knee.
There was an awkward silence, both because Shinji was in the sandbox and had just seen up Rei's skirt, and because the young girl's knee was painfully gushing blood, and her heart was painfully hurting because Shinji would not look at her. She began to realize that the young boy would never be hers.
Sitting upright, the Third Child looked at her knee and spoke,
"Yo…we should get that covered, to-to stop the bleeding."
Shinji stood and brushed himself off, his back elbow cut slightly and began to walk, Rei stood up behind him and tried to follow, but the moment she stepped on her bad knee she let out a little moan of pain.
Shinji looked back at her with a worried look on his face, from her badly hurt knee, to her face, with was full of pain, her eyes just beginning to water. Shinji's insides twisted inside at the idea he just had.
It was almost movie-like. The sun was setting behind the two as Shinji carried Rei who's hands she lay gently on her lap, in his arms toward their home. The young boy was not entirely strong enough to carry the 94 pound girl the almost two mile distance, but his fear, the fact that the most beautiful girl he had ever seen was gently bouncing against him with every step dulled out the aches his tired arms threw at him. They walked in silence, yet both of them in a blissful paradise, Rei because of her definite love for the boy, and Shinji because of a mixture of his now ongoing crush and the feelings from his teenage lustfulness.
The two returned home in silence and Shinji gingerly lay Rei down to relax as he got some bandages and antiseptic. When he returned he said to her truthfully,
"This is going to burn alil Rei…"
He then poured a tiny bit of the liquid onto the wound, Rei did not moan or even flinch, she just looked on with what seemed an almost ignorance of the situation, it had to be done, and thusly is did not bother her. The excess rolled down to the underside of her knee and dripped onto their couch, neither of them carrying.
"Are…Are you okay?" Shinji said, painfully bringing himself to look her in the eyes, she stared straight back at him, it nearly killed the young boy, she was so beautiful, and he knew he too was beginning to have feelings.
Rei looked back at The Third Child, he stared at her with complete concern, and her stomach twisted pleasantly inside of her.
The two stared at each other for a moment, and Shinji's lips began to tingle, as if they were being drawn toward her, it was as though nothing else mattered than to kiss her, like he needed it like he needed the air or water, his body craved her. The only other time he had felt this feeling was that night with Asuka, but this time it was much more powerful. Without notice, Shinji began to slowly ease in on Rei, not exactly knowing what he was going to do, he just wanted his face closer to hers, he placed his hand on the couch beside her leg and moved closer…inches from her face Shinji was suddenly ripped away from his body's desires.
"I am fine."
Her red eyes glistened slightly as they were still locked onto him, and he sighed gently, pulling away, as he began to walk toward the kitchen to prepare dinner he barely heard Rei whisper out,
"Thank you."
And with a smile, he began to cook the meal.
Rei awoke suddenly, the
blurriness of what was her room slowly came into view. Sitting up
slightly she looked over to where the sunlight that had awoke her was
coming from. That's when she noticed it, the sunlight wasn't
coming from the window, but instead it was reflecting off her glass
of water that sat next to her bed, beside her pills, on a cart. She
whipped her head back and forth, she was no longer in Asuka's room,
and she was now back, back in her old apartment.
This is
completely illogical, she thought to herself. Trying to get a grasp
on the situation, Shinji had told her that this place had been
destroyed, had he lied to her? And if so, why? And how had she
returned to this place? None of this was scientifically impossible.
Wait, if she was in a world of that lacked laws of reality, then she
was dreaming. This was how Rei always distinguished reality from
fantasy; she would simply pick apart that which just could not be
true. Slightly disappointed that she was once again dreaming and to
make things worse back in her old apartment she began to slide
slightly off the bed, but when her feet were just about to touch the
ground, she heard a crash.
"Nononoo….please God…no…." Shinji cried out, his voice cracking slightly, he stumbled back into her apartment, followed by a pistol-wielding Gendo Ikari. Stumbling over he back into the corner facing where Rei slept. Rei could not do anything but sit and stare, dream or not, seeing Shinji being killed was not something should take lightly.
"You're pathetic, coming here."
"You…you can't….you-you can't do this…please….ple-please father…"
Gendo placed the gun painfully at the tip of Shinji's skull and growled out in his usual tone,
"Do not remind me
that you are my offspring. Rei had always been a much more suitable
child than you. You are weak, pathetic, and a disgrace to your
mother and myself. I'm just pleased that you are one mistake that
I am able to extinguish."
Shinji began to cry at the cruelness
of his father; he continued to beg for his life, but no longer to his
father but instead to his mother,
"Mother…please, p-please help me…I nee…need you…please…"
"Silence! She will
not help you." Gendo nearly screamed, "Removing you from this
bloodline will be the greatest thing to happen to this
family."
"IKARI!" Rei called out, both the Ikari's looked
at her as though they had not realized she was there. Standing
slowly she looked at Gendo with a clearly visible sense of hate, she
did not glare or speak, she just stared at him, her eyes practically
on fire.
Gendo almost smiled, "Excellent, now you too can witness the death…of Shinji Ikari."
"Stop." Rei said coolly, her voice was sharp as ice. Gendo's almost smile disappeared instantly; it was not to his knowledge that Rei had feelings for the Third Child. Rei walked over and sat down next to Shinji, he practically clutched out at her arm.
Rei didn't entirely understand what she was doing, it seemed in her dreams she had little or no control over herself, it was her emotions that did the talking.
"Regrettable as it is, I would rather kill both of you, then leave this wretch to survive." Gendo sneered, "And of course, I can always simply make more of you."
Rei's eyes widened as she could not believe what was about to happen, as Gendo pulled the trigger. A bullet ripped through Rei's chest, piercing her skin and making a disgusting sucking sound as it tore out her back. The two children looked at the whole in the First Child's chest, smoke billowed out of it, and Rei's arm slid backwards and her head hit the chilling floor with painful force. As the room once again became blurry she heard the only two men speak.
"Ho-how could you...what are-"
BANG
BANG
BANG
Thud.
Rei felt a body fall limply beside her and then the warm taste of blood began to enter her mouth. As Rei lie there gasping for breath, her body making gurgling sounds as she began to choke on Shinji's blood, she heard the gun cock once more.
BANG
"IKARI!" Rei screamed out, her voice pierced through the night, and sitting upright with amazing speed she nearly bumped head with a very worried looking Shinji Ikari.
"R-Rei…are…are you alright?" He mumbled out, shaking with fear.
She looked at him, and once again her emotions robbed her of restraint, her hand came up and gently touched the side of Shinji's face. He jumped slightly at this sign of affection.
He was alive, Rei thought, even as a dream his death tore her apart worse than anything in her life, and she had to touch him just to be positive he was real. He looked at her, his eyes wide, she did not know what to do or say, her hand quickly dropped from his face on her lap, and she and his, almost in tears, with an inquisitive look on her face: Why was he in her room?
"I...I heard you talking in your sleep, it sounded as though you were crying…why…Rei…wh-why…why did you call out my name?" He asked, looking back at her.
Rei looked away, her face still turned toward the boy but her eyes were off to the side, she could not respond. She was embarrassed.
A very unusually understanding Shinji smiled slightly and took her hand, Rei's eyes moved to look at them as his fingers intertwined themselves with hers. He was still shaking, and she could tell it was taking everything in him to touch her.
"I-it was just a
dream Rei…it…dreams can't hurt you."
"I know this fact."
Rei replied, cutting him off slightly, she did not care what he was
saying but more so the feeling she had with the simple touch of his
hands.
"Ma-maybe…could…sho-should…would you like me to stay with you tonight Rei?"
Shinji asked, almost flinching as he waited for her response, if this were Asuka, she would have most likely mistaken his intentions and called him a pervert.
"Yes." She replied. Not wanting him to take away his hands.
"Okay!" He replied excitedly, "I'll just get my pillow and…" He stopped midsentence, Rei's hands still clutching his and he began to stand., the thoughts of Shinji's death still fresh in her mind she did not want him to go anyway. Shinji looked from her hands to her face and once again felt the almost compelling feeling to kiss her. Rei's eyes were meeting his perfectly, and for about five minutes all that could be heard was the heavy, nervous breathing of Shinij. They're eyes never moved away from each other, and finally Shinji's head could no longer hold itself back and slowly began to move in, Rei's lost body was doing the same, yet she did not know what for. The two both stopped mere millimeters from each other's faces, not really knowing what the other wanted to do. With Shinji's lip quivering, he moved quickly forward and pressed his lips gently against hers. They were almost wet and they cushioned his perfectly, her pouty lips making a slight noise he pulled away, and at the same time they both opened their eyes, and looked at each other, not really sure if what had happed really just happened. Shinji Ikari and Rei Ayanami had just kissed, for the very first time.
