Disclaimer: I'm just a fan; I don't own any of the Animorphs. There was no infringement intended.


I knew he was losing it. It was obvious - even early on - especially to me, I mean, I was the on who could read people. I knew he wouldn't be able to deal with the pressure for long - but back in the beginning, I didn't think it would last that long. We were supposed to be waiting for the cavalry, it was only supposed to be for a year. I knew a year was too long, but what could I do about it? We needed a leader and he was the best one to lead us, I couldn't let my feelings for him jeopardize the fight.

We were only thirteen when the war started, we were supposed to be in school, complaining about math homework and english papers, not fighting an evil empire with the fate of the entire Earth resting on our shoulders.

But what was supposed to happen didn't and I can't worry about what could have been if we were smart kids and took the long, safe way home. That's not what I'm worried about. I'm worried about Jake.

He took everything so hard. His whole life was consumed with fear and doubt - he held all of our lives in his hands and I know he thought about it constantly. How many times did we narrowly escape death? I didn't resent him because of it; I didn't hate him; I respected him. The mighty Jake had to be respected or else he couldn't get his job done.

And the more decisions he made, the farther apart we grew. I tried; I tried to keep him close to me. After every battle I sat with him, silently, and let him talk about whatever he wanted. But I wasn't strong enough for myself; there was no way I could be strong enough for both of us. He promised me after it was all over everything would go back to normal and we could be together.

I knew he was lying. I heard the hollow way he said it and saw the emptiness behind his eyes when he looked at me. He wasn't my Jake anymore, I couldn't have him like I wanted and we both knew it.

And our distance widened and we moved on.

I found someone else. Sure, I hadn't known him forever and he'd never seen me kill anyone, but he was nice. He cared about me and supported me and held me when I needed him. He was there like Jake never was. He was strong and smart and was going somewhere in life and he was just what I needed.

I think about him, Jake. I miss him. Not the distant war veteran, but the teenager who saved me more times than I can count. I miss the way he would come over and clean the barn just to spend time at me. I miss the way he would glance at me in the hallway during school. I miss his smile and his laugh and all that life hidden behind his deep eyes.

I miss the way he would lightly kiss me on the cheek when no one was around.

But our distance and that person still remain.