Jealousy. Raging green jealousy. And am I proud of myself?
Unsure. I guess I'm glad that I've finally realized what's had me so antsy and tense lately, but now this opens up an entirely new and frightening gamut of possibilities.
If I'm jealous, it is because we're best friends?...or is it because I like her?
"No, not possible" would have been my immediate answer months, weeks ago. But now "well, maybe" is taking its place. This, my friend, is what is keeping me awake at night. This is what is constantly on my mind. This is what scares me.
Keely Teslow was a girl who, frankly, sucked at math, and she needed big-time help before the upcoming test. I, being new in the century, knew this math backwards, forwards, upside down, and in zero-gravity. This is what brought us together: an algebra test.
A year later, and we are inseparable best friends. She tells me everything, I tell her everything, and we tell no one anything.
She is the one person who knows me as well as I do. She knows all my moods, knows my past (my future, rather), my strengths and my weaknesses, knows just how to talk to me, and makes me smile with the simplest act.
And the same applies for her. I know all about her dreams, her uncertainties, what brings her joy, and what makes her self-conscious. I know how to cheer her up when she's upset, and I know that more often than not that means letting her cry and being there for and with her.
Oh, I get it now. Major crushing on my part, it would appear.
I wonder what she's think of that, though? What does a girl do when her best friend falls for her?
And what about that? She must know, right? I did tell her I was jealous, didn't I? What else could that mean to her? "Hi, I'm jealous, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I want to see you socially in a romantic capacity."
No, it must be way, way obvious to her.
And if so, why hasn't she said anything to me about it?
I'm going with totally:
a) freaked out
b) grossed out
c) not liking me back
Hm. Well, I can't say that today wasn't productive. I didn't know that it was possible to have your heart squashed without actually talking to the squasher.
Something keeps nagging at me, though.
She said she kind of liked it.
I told her I was jealous, and she said she kind of liked it.
That's not nothing.
