Authors note: Firstly thanks everyone that reviewed! I just did this out of sheer boredom and never expected anything of it so I really appreciate your views! If you have any ideas/comments etc PLEASE tell me. And just to confirm, all the prequel characters currently start off from AOTC, and gradually progress through the movies….yeah.
Anakin violently stabbed a nearby tree with his lightsaber for the 27th time.
"Stop that, Padawan. The buzzing sound is giving me a headache," Obi-Wan said tiredly.
"I'm sorry, master. I just think it's so unfair… WHY THE HELL CAN MY SON BE THE GODDAMN LEADER WHILE I CAN'T! I'M –THE- CHOSEN ONE! WHY? It's so unfair even the SITH LORD would feel sorry for me! Why? Why? No really, Why? WHY?"
"If you can say anything else I'll give you a cookie," Obi-Wan said sarcastically. Sith, for the chosen one he surely could whine!
"Really?" Anakin's eyes lit up like a puppy.
"Now, now, Anakin, patience. Anger leads to hate, hate leads to-," Yoda was reciting.
The Star Wars theme suddenly started playing somewhere on the island.
"Er, I guess Luke is calling an assembly," Obi-Wan said tentatively.
"Yes. Calling us to him, I sense his blowing is," Yoda said.
"But I don't WANNA! My own SON beat me to being leader! This is the most embarrassing thing that's ever HAPPENED to me! I'M the chosen one, I was handpicked by Qui-Gon, if I wasn't here Luke wouldn't even have been BORN-," Anakin started again.
"Padawan," Obi-Wan said threateningly. "Your cookie."
Anakin shut up.
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Luke stopped blowing the conch and checked everyone was present by counting heads. He was dismayed to find no one was missing, which meant Jar Jar was still present and annoying as ever among their group.
"Ok, everyone's here. So. I did a quick scan of this island, and we seem to be alone. So er, since I'm leader-,"
Anakin groaned.
"-I think we should set up some rules so we can er, run the group in a democratic-?" Luke looked over at Leia for approval of vocabulary, and got a satisfying nod. "-Way and also so we all keep fairly civilized and all. After all, we ARE all jedi."
R2 and Chewbacca rose indignantly.
"Beep! Whistle beep!"
"Arrrr."
"Do evil sith lords count?" Palpatine questioned.
"What about –cough- highly intelligent droid fighting machines? –cough-," inquired Grievous, quite proud of his new title.
Luke became very nervous. "Mother," he said, glancing at Padme. "You're much better at this sort of thing. Why don't you take over for the time being?"
Padme gleefully jumped up and put on her senator voice. "Order in the court!"
"Ladies and gentlemen, comrades and aliens…."
Everyone fell asleep. Even Anakin couldn't stay awake despite the fact Padme had taken off her fancy dress and was practically in a corset.
"…So in conclusion the conch shell Luke found will give anyone the right to speak-," she was saying 5 hours later.
R2 beeped.
"Or beep…Everyone should help build shelters, because there might be a storm, and we could all end up getting blown away. And finally we should ignite some sort of signal fire, so any spaceships or speeder bikes that pass us will hopefully see us and take me to the nearest decent shower in the place. Any questions?"
"Why couldn't you have just told us this at the beginning?" Obi-Wan asked, groggily rubbing his eyes.
"Any sensible questions?"
"Excuse me, Miss Padme, but I feel we must address the all-around important issue of food on this desolate place. Without all the basic necessities like protein and calcium in our daily diet, our bodies will lack the recommended daily requirements and may cease to function properly-," Threepio chanted.
"So? At least we won't get fat," Sabe said.
"Nothing you say is sensible to begin with," Padme retorted.
Anakin stood up. Using the force, he levitated the conch towards him. Jar Jar leapt up trying to catch it, while Anakin bopped it up and down with his finger power. Eventually Anakin got fed up and purposely dropped it on Jar Jar's head. Jar Jar got knocked out and Anakin continued force grasping the conch towards him.
He put it to his mouth like a microphone. "Ok well I saw some fuzzy teddy bears in the forest while I was walking. I suppose Luke just happened not to see them. Don't know what help a blind leader is to the group but ANYWAY. Yeah I saw these fuzzy teddy bears running around. I think they'd make pretty good food, so who wants to be ultra-cool like me and be my HUNTERS? Hey why isn't my voice magnified?"
"You just HOLD it, Padawan. It's merely significant." Obi-Wan said tiredly.
"Oh," Anakin said, and didn't move the shell. "Ok anyone who wants to be cool and go hunt fuzzy teddy bears with me, stand up!"
Palpatine, Grievous, and Jar Jar stood up.
"Hey!" Anakin cried. "Why do I get all the bad guys!"
"So sue us," Palpatine sniffed. "We're evil. Evil people do things like kill teddy bears."
"Master? Are you sure you don't want to join in all the FUN?" Anakin said with pleading eyes darting towards Jar Jar.
"Oh no, Padawan," Obi-Wan said, barely able to keep the laughter in his voice. "I'm sure you wouldn't want to trouble yourself with all the number of times you have to rescue me. Besides, Jar Jar's not evil."
Anakin looked around helplessly. "Yeah? Oh YEAH? Well you guys are just…just…you guys are so UNCOOL! Only COOL people join the hunters, isn't that RIGHT hunters!" he said looking back at them.
Grievous coughed loudly.
"Any more matters?" Luke hurriedly snatched the conch away from his father.
"Mesa think'n dat-," Jar Jar began.
"-that youSA should shut up?" someone in the audience said.
"Oh man," Han Solo muttered. "Those damn Ewoks are back."
"Hey!" Leia said indignantly. "Those bears were CUTE!"
"Yeah, as cute as Anakin's ass…" Han muttered.
"Hey! Anakin's ass IS cute! You got a problem with that huh? HUH?" Padme cut in defiantly.
"All right, so what about this signal fire the kid's momma was going on about?" Han said, ignoring Padme.
"Oh you LISTENED?" Padme said, very pleased with herself.
"Not really," Han admitted, and Padme scowled. "So we can either burn some object really flammable, a new object each day, or we can use R2 to figure out something. I think the R2 option is much more er, environmentally friendly. So how about it kid?"
"Yeah okay, I guess." Luke replied, not really paying attention.
"Fear not, Luke. Fear, aside from a path to the darkside that being, forest on fire, we set anyway in this chapter." Yoda said sagely.
"Then what's the point of lighting a fire if everything's going to burn down anyway?" Anakin asked.
"Because that's how the story goes, DUH," Sabe said, trying to sound intelligent but failing to do so.
"Ok. Well Father, since you and your hunters are so COOL, you guys can be in charge of keeping the fire going. Just take R2 to the mountaintop every day and I don't know, make him temporarily explode or something. We'll settle ourselves here and build shelters and huts for everyone," Luke said cheerfully.
"That's it. Luke, you're grounded!" Anakin fumed.
"You can't GROUND me, I'm LEADER! So THERE!" Luke blew a raspberry.
"Do you see what this Island is adding to the already many behavioral attitudes of my son? We better get rescued soon or I'll be turning into a Sith lord sooner or later!" Anakin said.
"But you're wishes will be at my command soon Skywalker-," Palpatine began, before Obi-Wan sharply elbowed him (again).
Grievous coughed again. "Such a pain it is, my assmar."
"Hmmmm," Yoda suddenly said. "A disturbance in the Force, I sense."
"Mesa scaaarreed, Ani. Mesa saw a munda big BEAST, jump OUT at mesa! Itsa had big floppy ears and a verrryy annoying voice! Mesa got so scared, Mesa woke up from nightmare!" Jar Jar agreed.
"You're beastie enough," Han Solo said. "You sure you're not referring to yourself, gungun?"
"Mesa munda sure! Mesa SAW this BEASTIE, mesa got so scared, mesa woke up from-,"
"Alright, alright, you don't have to REPEAT yourself." Obi-Wan cut in.
"Mesa munda sorry master Obiii, Mesa won't repeat mesaself anymore-,"
"Just. Cut it." Obi-Wan said, straining to keep his patience inwards. Anger leads to hate, hate leads to- But wasn't suffering a path to the dark side too? After all, the combined forces of the council, his troublesome Padawan and the presence of Jar Jar Binks was practically more suffering than anyone could bear.
"Ok WELL! I think we should all just start building our new homes now here on the beach don't you! Daddy," Luke crooned in his sweetest voice. "I think you should take your FANTASTICALLY COOL hunters and get that signal fire going so mother dear can get her shower soon, don't you?"
"Lucas Georgio Armani Bobadillo Skywalker-," Anakin started snarling, but then had a change of idea. "Darling Luke, of course. Just try and stay off your sister Leia while I'm gone won't you? I'm sure your, ahem, affections would surely break your poor buddy Han's vulnerable heart won't it?" Anakin smirked and went off, Luke's horrified expression imprinted in his mind. Gee it was so good to be bad sometimes.
"What'd he mean, kid?" Han Solo asked slowly.
"Er, I guess he meant not to spend my time secretly plotting against him with Leia," Luke said. "Fathers these days, so paranoid right? Hahahaha!" Luke's laugh sounded fake even to himself.
On the mountaintop
"So," Anakin said, staring blankly at the empty land around them on the mountaintop. "How do you suppose we start this signal fire my son keeps going on about?"
Grievous coughed.
"I will not take that..that..NOISE as a dignified answer, skull-head," Anakin sniffed.
"It's GENERAL Grievous –cough- you low piece of jedi –cough- scum." Grievous retorted.
"Sucks to your assmar."
"Miserable fool! I have four lightsabers –cough-. Don't make me destroy you." The droid wheezed.
"HEY! That's MY line!" Anakin complained.
"You're not Vader yet, Skywalker. Patience." Palpatine said.
"Who's Vader?" Anakin wondered.
Palpatine tenderly rubbed his bruised stomach where Obi-Wan had elbowed him before. He decided to stay quiet.
"So, HOW DO WE GET THIS FREAKIN FIRE?" Anakin yelled, frustrated.
"Well, -cough- we could always set R2 –cough- on fire. He IS merely a droid –cough- after all and he'd burn efficiently –cough-." Grievous suggested.
R2 whistled indignantly.
"He says you're just a droid too yourself," Anakin translated. "AND that you're bigger."
Grievous shut up, and stuck to just coughing instead.
"So, any SENSIBLE ideas?" Anakin asked.
"Maybe we could just stand on this hill and wave our lightsabers around for a while. I mean, they DO glow in the dark for a reason-," Palpatine said.
"I always thought that was just to look flashy and cool," Anakin said, confused.
"You have much to learn, Skywalker." Palpatine sniffed. "Anakin's is blue. Mine is red. Grievous has rainbow colors. Jar Jar-"
Palpatine glanced at Jar Jar.
"-Can wave his arms about and shriek the SOS chant. Ok, so. How about we test it out?"
Everyone got in line.
"Ok how about we spell out 'Anakin rocks?' No one could miss that," Anakin suggested.
"Not enough lightsabers," Palpatine said. "How about 'Sith'?"
"But chancellora Palpatina sir! Mesa think dat could spell out something else…something very wude! What if someone elsa sees and thinks like me chancellora?" Jar Jar complained.
"No one else is even CAPABLE of thinking like you Jar Jar," Palpatine muttered.
"How about 'Roses are red, Violets are blue, We're stuck on an island, What can we do?'" Anakin tried again.
"But yousas lightsabers blue Ani!" Jar Jar retorted.
Anakin closed his eyes and tried to remember Obi-Wan's words. Patience, Padawan, Patience.
"We could just –cough- spell out 'Grievous' – cough-. Then they'd all get so scared they'd –cough- jet over here to rescue us before I –cough- destroy them with my evil powers and –cough- add any lightsabers to my –cough- collection."
"Yeah sure they'd GRIEVE to know you still EXIST, despite catching assmar," Anakin muttered.
"Perhaps I should just use my Force Lightning and cause a storm so big, the plane will have to land here," Palpatine said wisely.
"Yeah, and end up with another wrecked plane and MORE survivors," Anakin said.
"Mesa hav'n a good good idea Master Ani!" Jar Jar exclaimed. Everyone turned around wearily. "What about wesa spelln out 'HELP'?"
Everyone stared. The 2nd time in one day the daft gungun had said something intelligent! Were they all stoned or had Jar Jar just been cloned? They were all even thinking in rhymes now, as they groaned and moaned.
"Well…well…mesa think'n dat was a good idea…mesa sorry if yousa don't agree to mesas idea, mesa only thought-,"
Everyone got back to being annoyed at Jar Jar and Anakin shut him up before he could continue blabbing.
"Ok let's practice our new cheerleading routine! I mean-," said an embarrassed Palpatine. "Our RESCUE attempt."
Everyone got in line and really flaunted their thing and strutted their stuff. Grievous in particular had a particularly impressive somersault and Jar Jar could do a mean set of splits. Only Jar Jar was meant to be screeching SOS at the top of his voice, so actually he wasn't doing his job. Ok whatever.
Finally an hour later, everyone was panting and sweating. "Great job girls!" Palpatine said, breathing heavily. "I mean men! I mean machines! I mean-."
Anakin used the Force to bring a coconut down from a nearby tree. Using his lightsaber, he cracked it open and drank some much needed water.
Suddenly, Anakin saw a fuzzy thing run past him. His stomach instinctively rumbled. An ewok! NOW he would prove he was fit to be leader by catching the group meat. Sucks to you Luke! He thought, and ran after the furry teddy bear.
Anakin ran, panting, chasing the darned brown fuzzball around for the next 20 minutes. How hard could it be to catch and kill a darned Ewok anyway? He was the freakin' Chosen One. He should be spending his time flying around the galaxy, fighting off evil and killing Siths, not chasing teddy bears!
The bear ran around in circles, Anakin hot in pursuit. He tried to bring his lightsaber down on it constantly, but the little furry thing always outran him. Finally Anakin gave up and used the Force to bring the fuzzball towards him. "Now I gotcha! DIE!" Anakin gave a loud war-cry. He was about to stab it with his lightsaber when suddenly-
DUN DUUUN DUUUN DUNDUNDUN DUUUUN DUUUUN
Anakin dropped the bear out of shock from the sudden Star Wars theme blaring out of the woods. The bear squealed and ran away. Anakin looked down to find it gone, where it promptly ran back, gave him a sharp kick in his shin, and ran off again.
"OW! Come BACK here you little IMPERTINENT THING that's the CHOSEN ONE you just kicked there! OW!" Anakin yelled.
Dammit! He'd lost the bear again. He now concentrated on thinking what the best punishment for Luke would be when he got back. He vent his frustration by suddenly stabbing a poor innocent nearby tree furiously. The tree was undamaged but his lightsaber promptly snapped in half by the impact of the force. Anakin rolled his eyes and used the Force to put it back together. Then he went back to stabbing.
Anakin was so occupied with venting his anger, he didn't notice the tree start to heat up rapidly from the light of his lightsaber. Even though it was GLOWING red and Anakin's hair was beginning to singe, he was too angsty and furious to even notice. Finally, when he heard the Star Wars theme being blown by the conch again, he stopped his stabbing and Force jumped down to the beach.
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
"So, did you get the signal fire going?" Luke asked.
"Of course we did," Anakin sniffed. "NO ONE could miss our signal."
Grievous coughed in agreement.
"Oookay. Well. Look at our huts. Aren't they pretty?" Luke said, gesturing.
"Our huts? Aren't they pretty? There's only one!" Anakin said, disbelieving.
"Well father, they always taught us at the temple its quality, not quantity. But since I also learned how important it is for a jedi to be selfless and always consider others, I have space for one more person to fit in for the night. Where it's warm and comfortable and strong in Force. How about that?"
Everyone instantly turned into angels.
"Son," Anakin said in his sweetest, fatherly voice. "I'm so proud of the work you've done. Look at the way you've organized the island! Even in such a catastrophic and snafu situation you've managed to organize everything so perfectly! I'm the proudest father anyone could have, with the most handsome, intelligent, gifted, talented son ANY man would want! Therefore I would like to spend this one night stealing your space-er I mean, of course, tucking you into bed and keeping the memory safe in my heart until you become a fully trained Jedi and start rebelling against me."
Luke considered thoughtfully. A definite 10/10 for soppiness, but acting wasn't too bad.
"Luke," Padme now spoke. "The last 20 years has been the most beautiful and memorable times of my life. Whenever mummy came back home tired from work, all I'd have to do is look into your big blue eyes and I instantly felt happy again. I apologize sincerely for yelling at you when you crashed your father's speeder that time. I now fully realize it WASN'T your fault, that Leia really DID send a giant pink octopus after you to try and catch the speeder so she could just selfishly get a ride to charm class for herself. It was also, as you said, largely your father's fault, for leaving the speeder unoccupied outside your window-"
"Alright, alright, time up. Who's next to grovel?" Luke cut in.
"My brother," Leia started. "You do not know how sorry I am for threatening to kill you the other time. I've been tossing and turning, worrying so that you may have taken it to heart and-"
"Too diplomatic," Luke said. He was really enjoying this. "Next!"
"Kid," Han Solo decided to try the short and straight-to-the-point answer. "You're like my best friend."
"Not enough detail," Luke said, bored. "Next!"
"Luke," Palpatine began in all seriousness. "Come to the dark side. We have cookies."
"Cookies?" Anakin looked up eagerly.
Obi-Wan thumped his head.
"Ouch Master! That hurt!" Anakin grumbled.
"Shut up, Padawan. I'm trying to memorize my speech."
"Sorry, Emperor. I mean chancellor. I'm on a diet. Next!"
Yoda stepped forward.
"Too old you are. I mean you are too old. I mean-" Luke babbled, getting more and more confused.
Sabe stepped forward. "Hey gorgeous. You got male!" She said seductively, in a very Paris Hilton way.
"Sorry to bring your hopes up miss, but you look just WAAAAY too much like my mum to contemplate. Next!"
R2 slid forward and beeped animatedly.
"Too foreign." Luke was getting tired now.
Chewbacca stepped forward.
"Chewie, I think you're gonna squash me to death while I sleep, sorry. Next!"
Grievous took a step but Luke promptly stepped forward. "Sorry skullhead. You cough too much. I don't wanna catch your assmar."
The ghost of Qui-Gon Jinn suddenly flew in randomly. Using the Jedi mind trick, he waved his hand and chanted "I will stay in the hut with Qui-Gon tonight".
"I will stay in the hut with Qui-Gon tonight." Luke repeated.
"Although he is so charming and devilishly handsome, I WILL refrain from making a move on him." The ghostly figure of Qui-Gon said again.
"Although he is so charming and devilishly handsome, I WILL refrain from making a move on him," Luke repeated.
"It's okay, Luke," Obi-Wan commented. "He wasn't that good in bed anyway."
3PO stepped forward.
"Please refrain from boring me to sleep with another speech 3PO I beg you," Luke yawned. "I've picked my hut partner. Go away."
"I'm terribly sorry to mislead you sir, but I had no intentions of staying in the hut with you tonight. I merely wanted to comment that the forest seems to have set itself on fire and is well, burning everything down."
"Oh dear. Well, at least we're following the plot. Goodnight." Luke said hurriedly, and rushed inside his shelter with the ghostly figure of Qui-Gon.
"Hey. Wait. Where's Jar Jar?" Anakin commented, embarrassed at himself for noticing.
Everyone looked up at the blazing fire on the mountaintop….
