Chapter 16 Alone In My Misery

Maybe thirty minutes later, Obi-Wan asked, "Please, can I stop now?"

An-Paj shook his head, "Don't stop now Obi-wan, you are making progress."

Through gritted teeth, Obi-Wan answered, "It is TOO HARD."

An-Paj leaned against the bars, "I know it is, but, you are ready."

Obi-Wan looked at An-Paj, "What do you mean?"

The healer explained, "I think you can start using crutches."

That caught Obi-Wan by surprise, and he lost his concentration. In the next moment he was sprawled on the mats in between the bars.

An-Paj knelt to help him up, only to have his hands pushed away, "I am NOT using crutches. I don't want everyone staring at me." The incredulous tone was unmistakable.

An-Paj stood, "You know what Obi-Wan, I think you need to stop worrying about what others think and start worrying about your recovery."

Obi-Wan shouted, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

An-Paj responded softly, "Maybe I don't, but if you keep this up, you are never going to get better." An-Paj watched Obi-Wan unhappily absorb the words and continued, "That's enough for today. You need some fresh air I think."

Obi-Wan took a path through the garden. Most of the initiates and padawans were still in class, and Obi-Wan hoped he would not run into anyone, he hated the sympathy looks he received when others saw him in the chair.

He was almost through the gardens when he heard the familiar hiss of lightsabers. Through the Alderanian trumpet flowers he saw a master sparring with his padawan. But it was not just any master, nor any padawan, it was Darick and Bruck. Obi-Wan instantly felt a pang of jealousy. What he would give to spar with Qui-Gon like that again.

But the words that Obi-Wan heard Darick tell Bruck felt like a vibro knife through his heart, "Well done, Bruck. You will defiantly be a contender to watch at tomorrows championship."

Obi-Wan had a hard time controlling his anger, How could he enter without telling me, without me being in it? I thought he was my friend.

Obi-Wan moved away quickly and headed home. His anger was radiating off his body. He entered his home and saw that Qui-Gon did not yet return. Obi-Wan went over to the window and looked outside. He was angry. Angry at his injury. Angry at himself. Angry that Bruck could spar and he could not. As unfair as that may be, it was the truth. A knock on the door caught his attention and he went to answer it. It was Bruck. Obi-Wan did not say anything in greeting and moved his hover chair away.

Bruck followed him into the main living area apprehensively. He felt Obi-Wan's anger, "Obi-Wan, is something bothering you?"

Before Obi-Wan could stop himself, he blurted out, "Why do you care?"

Bruck looked at his friend, surprised, "What are you talking about? Of course I care."

Obi-Wan scoffed, "Seems to me, you only care about sparring."

Bruck was confused at first, "Oh, is that what this is about? Well, I kind of like have to spar with Master Dar..."

Obi-Wan turned his hover chair around to face the window again, "Yeah, have to make sure you are the prime contender for tomorrow's championship. You want to make sure that you look good, while I look weak! Why don't you just go? I have had it with you."

By that time, Bruck was angry, "You have HAD it with ME? With ME? Well, guess what Kenobi? I have had it with YOU! I am sick of you!"

Obi-Wan swung his chair so he was facing Bruck, disbelievingly he replied, "Your sick of ME?"

Bruck stepped closer, "Yeah, YOU! You and your woe is me attitude! Poor Obi-Wan! You are so self-absorbed, that you don't see what it is doing to the people who care about you!"

Obi-Wan got a little uncomfortable, "I…I don't know what you are talking about."

Bruck replied, "Well, why don't you allow me to enlighten you? Master Qui-Gon looks like he has been in battle with a dozen Sith. You treated Klea so poorly she doesn't even come around anymore. And then there is me. I have to live with the fact that you were injured because of me. And it tears me apart. So try living with that everyday, Kenobi!"

With that, Bruck stormed out of the apartment leaving a stunned Obi-Wan behind him.

Obi-Wan sat there staring at the door that had just slammed shut. He was shocked, and rightfully so. No one had spoken to him since the accident. Not Qui-Gon, or Klea, or even the healers. An-Paj was clear that he would not tolerate the boy's attitude, but he never lost his patience.

For a moment Obi-Wan considered being angry, who did Bruck think he was anyway? But reason won out, when Obi-Wan realized he just could not be angry anymore. It was hurting him, and more importantly, it was hurting those who mattered most to him. Those he loved and who loved him in return.

Obi-Wan went to the console, he punched in a code and in a moment the kind face of Nik-Ka came up on the screen, his eyes lit up when he saw it was Obi-Wan, "Obi-Wan, I am so glad you called!"

Obi-Wan heard the warmth behind those words, he knew the mind healer was sincere, "Master Nik-Ka, I am ready to stop wallowing in self-pity. I am ready to heal, but before I can..."

Obi-Wan hesitated, and the mind healer said, "Obi-Wan, I understand. You have taken the first step towards healing. I would be honored to help you finish the journey."

For the first time in weeks, Obi-Wan smiled, "I would like to start tonight. I know it is short notice..."

Nik-Ka answered, "Tonight after the evening meal will be fine, Obi-Wan. I look forward to seeing you then."

The transmission ended and Obi-Wan was once again alone. He went into his room, and on the dresser he saw his favorite holo of his master and him. He considered it. His master's eyes were full of happiness in the holo. His eyes these days were worried and tired. All because of him.

Obi-Wan was suddenly hit with the realization, that just because his Master was not the one who could not walk, it did not mean that he did not suffer as well. Obi-Wan hated himself for the way he acted. He would need to apologize to Bruck, Klea, Master Darick, and Masters An-Paj and Leona. But he would apologize to his Master first.

Obi-Wan went into the kitchen. He had not cooked since before the trip to Kranta, but he liked to cook and he was somewhat good at it. Surveying the cabinets, he saw that he could make a nice salad and a main course. He set right to work.

A while later Qui-Gon opened the door and was greeted by wonderful smell. He made his way to the kitchen and the sight before him made his heart sing. Obi-Wan was at the table cutting vegetables for a salad and the on the stove sat a pot of soup.

Obi-Wan looked up and smiled, "Hi, Master. I did this for you. It is my way of saying sorry."

Obi-Wan was glad when he saw Qui-Gon smile a smile that reached his eyes, "Obi-Wan, you are more then forgiven. I understand..."

Obi-Wan shook his head, "No, Master. I was wrong, out of line. I know that now. A friend showed me that. A very good friend."

Qui-Gon made a mental note to thank Bruck and sat down, "It smells wonderful. You did not have to do this."

Obi-Wan went back to chopping vegetables, "Yes, I did. We can eat soon. I have an appointment after dinner."

Qui-Gon was confused, "An appointment?"

Obi-Wan nodded, "Yes, With Master Nik-Ka. I have hindered my recovery long enough. I need to start acting like a Jedi. I need to start acting like what you raised me to be."

Qui-Gon looked at his apprentice, not able to find words. He had never been more proud of his apprentice then what he was at that moment.

Obi-Wan took a deep breath before he knocked on Master Nik-Ka's door. The mind healer answered the door and moved aside so Obi-Wan could come in.

Obi-Wan smiled, "Thank you for seeing me, Master Nik-Ka."

Nik-Ka sat down, "Anytime, Obi-Wan. In fact, I am glad you called. I have been wanting to speak with you for some time now."

Obi-Wan looked at his hands which were folded in his lap, "And I have been so unreasonable, that I have hurt everyone around me."

Nik-Ka poured two cups of tea, and handed one to Obi-Wan, "Do not trouble yourself with guilt, Padawan. You know what you have done, and you are sorry, that is enough."

Obi-Wan sipped his tea, "I don't feel like it is enough. I know anger and fear lead to the dark side, and yet, I did not try to control my emotions."

"Obi-Wan, you are young and you have had a traumatic experience. Don't tell Master Yoda, but this is one time where I can honestly say, that your fear and anger did not bring you anywhere near the dark side." Nik-Ka looked at the young man for a reaction.

Obi-Wan shrugged, "I hope so, its hard to explain, but it was like all my emotions were swirling in my head."

Nik-Ka remained silent, he would allow Obi-Wan to talk for as long as he needed.

Obi-Wan continued, "When this first happened, my mind was numb, like I did not believe it happened to me. Then I started lashing out. At Qui-Gon, Klea, Master An-Paj and Leona. Everybody. Everybody that is except for Bruck."

Nik-Ka gently prodded Obi-Wan to continue, "And now?"

Obi-Wan sighed deeply, "I was angry because he entered the lightsaber championship, when I could not. So I was despicable towards him. But he did something that no one else did." Obi-Wan paused and let out a small smile before he added, "He told me off."

Nik-Ka nodded, "And how did that make you feel?"

Obi-Wan thought for a minute, "Well, I was surprised at first. Then angry. It really is strange to describe, but then I felt free. Like Bruck opened up my eyes to show me what I could not or would not see. He made me grasp the fact that I did not have to be angry anymore. That I did not want to be angry anymore."

Nik-Ka listened intently, this boy never ceased to amaze him, "I think you knew, Obi-Wan. But you wanted someone to tell you. Bruck is a good friend."

Obi-Wan allowed himself another smile, "He is the best. I am lucky to call him my friend."