SR: Okies, this is my first Beyblade fic so please review and tell me what
improvements could be made.
The Prince and the Thief
A young neko-jinn hurtled through a small village carrying a bundle in his hands. Turning to look behind him he yelped as an arrow whizzed by his head nearly hitting him. I'm going to have to improve on the stealth part of my little expeditions. He turned sharply making for the forests. He would be safe there. Those clumsy buffoons that were called warriors wouldn't be capable of keeping up with him once they had to scramble over tree roots and dodge low-hanging branches. It wasn't in their training. They couldn't do it. He smirked and entered the forest calling out a farewell to his pursuers.
"Better luck next time! By the way, you run like women." A whooping cackle was followed and then silence reigned over the warriors who had stopped their chase at the edge of the forest. The largest and surliest looking of the ground snapped his spear and slammed the two pieces into the ground.
"Damn him! How is it he always gets away?! " He turned on his heel and stormed off towards the castle. He knew that he was going to have a hard time explaining this to the Royal Family. Especially Prince Kai. The young royal was growing steadily more impatient with each failure to capture the thief. The damn neko-jinn had been stealing from the villages surrounding the castle for months now. He hoped that Kai's older siblings would be slightly more understanding over the subject and would refrain of stripping him of his rank as Chief Captain and give him another chance. How many more second chances do I have though? This must be the hundreth time I've missed catching him. Even the queen is starting to doubt my competence. The Captain sighed as he watched the large oak doors leading into the castle courtyard slowly creak open to permit him entrance. It was going to be a long day.
Somewhere in the castle
Crimson orbs watched Captain Tala walk towards the castle. A small smirk played across the prince's features. Empty handed again, Tala? I am fast losing my patience with you. How hard can it be to catch a single low-life thief? Certainly not that hard! The warrior prince scowled darkly at Tala from his vantage point of his room window. He drummed his hands against the wood for a minute until Tala was to close to be seen. He reached out the window and grabbed the window shutters and slammed them closed and tore off down to the audience hall where Tala would be making his report to his parents, the king and queen. If for nothing else he was going to stand there looking smug and irking Tala. It was amusing to watch the Captain wrestle with his temper under a bombardment of critical remarks on his performance.
Kai slowed down as he reached the door leading into the audience hall and took a moment to compose himself before opening it silently and slipping into the room. It was a large room and had no furniture in it except for the thrones meant for the Royal Family to sit on while listening to a report of some sorts. Kai seated himself on his throne and nodded quickly to his father and mother before snapping his gaze to Tala who was kneeling a few meters away. He began his report
"My lords and lady, we have failed to capture the thief again. He darted into the forest before we could bring him down." Tala kept his eyes locked on the smooth red carpet awaiting the King's reply.
"Tala, this is not the first time you have failed to bring that particular thief to justice. Nor is the second, third or fourth." The King's voice had been rising with every word and as he ended his sentence he banged his fist of the arm of his throne. Tala licked his lips nervously before continuing.
"I am aware of this my Lord. He is fast and strong. Also he is smart. He avoids all of our traps and outruns all of our pursuits." Tala looked up quickly and quickly dropped his gaze to the ground again at the look on the king's face.
"Are you saying that you are not qualified for the job of capturing him, Tala?" A voice like ice asked. Kai stood up and, at a nod from his father, continued. "You are a trained fighter and supposedly one of our best. Yet, you cannot bring a mere thief to his downfall. Care to explain that to me?" Kai raised an elegant brow. Let's see you answer that, Tala!
Tala raised his eyes and locked them with Kai's. It won't work Kai. I will not let you embarrass me.
"My Lord, as I have previously stated the thief I fast of foot , strong and intelligent." Unlike you. "I have come up with a plan however with which I am sure will capture our little troublemaker." It was a lie. Tala had no idea how he was going to catch his elusive opponent but he knew that it would please then King and probably save Tala his job.
Tala had not been far wrong. A small smile appeared on the king's mouth and he looked much more friendly and jovial then he had moments ago.
"You have a plan Captain Tala? You think it will work? Then you are dismissed to work out the finer points of your plan and to put it into action." The King stood and walked over to Tala was still kneeling and brought his face down close to the captain's and whispered. "And for sake it had better work!" With that the King turned and left the room soon followed by his queen and his two eldest sons leaving only Tala and Kai in the large room. Kai walked over to the kneeling Tala and scowled down at him. He had, once again, avoided reprimand for his short-comings.
"You think your clever don't you? I know you don't have a clue on how you going to catch the thief!" Kai balled up a gloved hand and resisted the urge to deck Tala.
"I do not know what you are talking about My Prince. I will have the thief bound and gagged by the time the sun sets tomorrow." Tala avoided adding any smugness to his voice knowing that Kai was perfectly capable and willing to strike him. Unfortunately for Tala, Kai was to angry to stop himself and before he could fully comprehend what was going on, he was skidding across the floor a burning sensation on the side of his face.
"Do not lie to me Tala!" Kai took a steadying breath before he turned and left the room, leaving an injured and humiliated Tala glaring from the floor.
That night
Kai rolled over in his sleep and slowly opened his eyes. What had woken him? He hadn't had to wait long to find out. A rustling noise followed by movement from a corner caused Kai's senses to snap to full awareness. He wasn't alone in his room. He silently reached over the side of his bed and picked his sword up. A midnight visitor? Interesting. I hope it's Tala trying to get even with me. It would be to perfect if it was. Kai slowly crept on the figure who had his back turned to him. A quick blow to the back of the skull would end the fight before it had started. No point in killing whoever it is. Might as well has some fun before I do that. Kai smirked and then, unfortunately, stumbled uttering a small curse. The figure whirled around and Kai gasped. The eyes didn't belong to Tala.
The eyes were the color of amber.
SR: So? What's it like. If you want an update before Friday night then you had better review and tell me so. I find myself so much more motivated when people are actually telling me that they like or dislike my stories. Also if you have any ideas of requests then I would appreciate hearing them. I also give you full permission to flame me.
The Prince and the Thief
A young neko-jinn hurtled through a small village carrying a bundle in his hands. Turning to look behind him he yelped as an arrow whizzed by his head nearly hitting him. I'm going to have to improve on the stealth part of my little expeditions. He turned sharply making for the forests. He would be safe there. Those clumsy buffoons that were called warriors wouldn't be capable of keeping up with him once they had to scramble over tree roots and dodge low-hanging branches. It wasn't in their training. They couldn't do it. He smirked and entered the forest calling out a farewell to his pursuers.
"Better luck next time! By the way, you run like women." A whooping cackle was followed and then silence reigned over the warriors who had stopped their chase at the edge of the forest. The largest and surliest looking of the ground snapped his spear and slammed the two pieces into the ground.
"Damn him! How is it he always gets away?! " He turned on his heel and stormed off towards the castle. He knew that he was going to have a hard time explaining this to the Royal Family. Especially Prince Kai. The young royal was growing steadily more impatient with each failure to capture the thief. The damn neko-jinn had been stealing from the villages surrounding the castle for months now. He hoped that Kai's older siblings would be slightly more understanding over the subject and would refrain of stripping him of his rank as Chief Captain and give him another chance. How many more second chances do I have though? This must be the hundreth time I've missed catching him. Even the queen is starting to doubt my competence. The Captain sighed as he watched the large oak doors leading into the castle courtyard slowly creak open to permit him entrance. It was going to be a long day.
Somewhere in the castle
Crimson orbs watched Captain Tala walk towards the castle. A small smirk played across the prince's features. Empty handed again, Tala? I am fast losing my patience with you. How hard can it be to catch a single low-life thief? Certainly not that hard! The warrior prince scowled darkly at Tala from his vantage point of his room window. He drummed his hands against the wood for a minute until Tala was to close to be seen. He reached out the window and grabbed the window shutters and slammed them closed and tore off down to the audience hall where Tala would be making his report to his parents, the king and queen. If for nothing else he was going to stand there looking smug and irking Tala. It was amusing to watch the Captain wrestle with his temper under a bombardment of critical remarks on his performance.
Kai slowed down as he reached the door leading into the audience hall and took a moment to compose himself before opening it silently and slipping into the room. It was a large room and had no furniture in it except for the thrones meant for the Royal Family to sit on while listening to a report of some sorts. Kai seated himself on his throne and nodded quickly to his father and mother before snapping his gaze to Tala who was kneeling a few meters away. He began his report
"My lords and lady, we have failed to capture the thief again. He darted into the forest before we could bring him down." Tala kept his eyes locked on the smooth red carpet awaiting the King's reply.
"Tala, this is not the first time you have failed to bring that particular thief to justice. Nor is the second, third or fourth." The King's voice had been rising with every word and as he ended his sentence he banged his fist of the arm of his throne. Tala licked his lips nervously before continuing.
"I am aware of this my Lord. He is fast and strong. Also he is smart. He avoids all of our traps and outruns all of our pursuits." Tala looked up quickly and quickly dropped his gaze to the ground again at the look on the king's face.
"Are you saying that you are not qualified for the job of capturing him, Tala?" A voice like ice asked. Kai stood up and, at a nod from his father, continued. "You are a trained fighter and supposedly one of our best. Yet, you cannot bring a mere thief to his downfall. Care to explain that to me?" Kai raised an elegant brow. Let's see you answer that, Tala!
Tala raised his eyes and locked them with Kai's. It won't work Kai. I will not let you embarrass me.
"My Lord, as I have previously stated the thief I fast of foot , strong and intelligent." Unlike you. "I have come up with a plan however with which I am sure will capture our little troublemaker." It was a lie. Tala had no idea how he was going to catch his elusive opponent but he knew that it would please then King and probably save Tala his job.
Tala had not been far wrong. A small smile appeared on the king's mouth and he looked much more friendly and jovial then he had moments ago.
"You have a plan Captain Tala? You think it will work? Then you are dismissed to work out the finer points of your plan and to put it into action." The King stood and walked over to Tala was still kneeling and brought his face down close to the captain's and whispered. "And for sake it had better work!" With that the King turned and left the room soon followed by his queen and his two eldest sons leaving only Tala and Kai in the large room. Kai walked over to the kneeling Tala and scowled down at him. He had, once again, avoided reprimand for his short-comings.
"You think your clever don't you? I know you don't have a clue on how you going to catch the thief!" Kai balled up a gloved hand and resisted the urge to deck Tala.
"I do not know what you are talking about My Prince. I will have the thief bound and gagged by the time the sun sets tomorrow." Tala avoided adding any smugness to his voice knowing that Kai was perfectly capable and willing to strike him. Unfortunately for Tala, Kai was to angry to stop himself and before he could fully comprehend what was going on, he was skidding across the floor a burning sensation on the side of his face.
"Do not lie to me Tala!" Kai took a steadying breath before he turned and left the room, leaving an injured and humiliated Tala glaring from the floor.
That night
Kai rolled over in his sleep and slowly opened his eyes. What had woken him? He hadn't had to wait long to find out. A rustling noise followed by movement from a corner caused Kai's senses to snap to full awareness. He wasn't alone in his room. He silently reached over the side of his bed and picked his sword up. A midnight visitor? Interesting. I hope it's Tala trying to get even with me. It would be to perfect if it was. Kai slowly crept on the figure who had his back turned to him. A quick blow to the back of the skull would end the fight before it had started. No point in killing whoever it is. Might as well has some fun before I do that. Kai smirked and then, unfortunately, stumbled uttering a small curse. The figure whirled around and Kai gasped. The eyes didn't belong to Tala.
The eyes were the color of amber.
SR: So? What's it like. If you want an update before Friday night then you had better review and tell me so. I find myself so much more motivated when people are actually telling me that they like or dislike my stories. Also if you have any ideas of requests then I would appreciate hearing them. I also give you full permission to flame me.
