AN: Hey everyone. Sorry it's been so long since I last posted; I know it was quite the cliffhanger I left you all with. This time, I have a really good reason for not updating: the hard drive on my home computer is screwed, thus the only time I can post is on weekends. The good news? It should be fixed much sooner than what I originally thought; in place of the perspective of a year, it's now only going to be about a month. So it will be a while before I post the chapter after this one. Thank you all for such sweet reviews; I can't tell you how much I love getting them.
This chapter was hard for me to write. To anyone who has lost someone to, or been a survivor of a school shooting, my prayers and condolences are with you. This chapter is in the memory of those who did not survive a school shooting, and to the legacy they have left behind.
Glen Oaks High School
September 17th, 9:59 AM
Queens, New York
Kathleen Stabler's POV
I lean back in my desk, wondering why dad needed to talk to Martina. He looked pale. Really, really pale. I mean, our family has dealt with some pretty harsh stuff over the last six months, but I've never seen him look like that. He has a tough job, I know that. But when he comes home, he's not Detective Stabler. He's not a person who seeks justice and who sees unspeakable tragedy day in and day out. He's instead, Elliot Stabler; my father, and a good one at that.
I never really saw him as that great of a father before he and mom were seperated. You never value anything unless it's taken away from you. But for a while, I saw him only on weekends, and I missed having him around more. Sure, he can't be around all the time. I got that then and I get it even more now. I missed him so much. And whenever you dial another parent at a different place of residence than your own home, something in you cracks. There's an empty space inside you that's never filled. There's the consistent desire to have your parents together, in one house, at the same time, on civil terms.
I shake myself back to reality, trying to do some dumb assignment that we're supposed to be doing. My parents are back together in the same house, and whatever issues they had, they seem to have worked out. I might as well through a 4.0 GPA into the mix. Make them proud. I don't get this assignment. I'm sure Martina can help me when she gets back. I've always envied how good she is at this stuff. She manages to understand it and muster a straight face when it gets beyond what, as we are so lovingly called by our classmmates, "the Catholic virgins" want to know. Which is much more than I can do.
I am so deep in my thoughts. I hear a bang in another classroom, but it barely registers into my mind. I hear the door being swung open, and I look up, hoping it's Martina. I gasp deeply, shock filling me.
It is most definately not Martina.
It's Brian Matthews, holding a gun, which is pointed in my direction...I don't get it. Why is Brian here? Isn't he still supposed to be in juvinile detention? Why is he pointing a gun at me? Why does he have a gun? Whywere there banging sounds in another classroom? Banging...the banging...oh, God...my dad...Martina...my other friends...
I hear screams, and I realize that they're my own. But they're cut off by a burning sensation in my stomach which quickly spreads up my spine. I don't understand...why is it burning? When I put my hand to it, why did it feel sticky? Why am I on the floor? I lift my hand towards my eyes and scream what only comes out as a whisper; drowned out by other screams.
My hand is covered in blood.
My blood.
St. Monica's Hospital
September 17th, 11:06 AM
Queens, New York
Kathy Stabler's POV
I'm numb.
This isn't happening. I am not sitting in the waiting room of the hospital where I work, without a uniform on, waiting to find out if my daughter is alive or dead. I'm not watching Martina sobbing, Elliot pointlessly trying to comfort her, as he cries tears of his own.
I've never seen him like this. The only times I've seen him cry were when our children were born.
I don't want to cry with him if one of them dies.
My rosary isn't in my hands, but prayers for Kathleen are flowing from my heart.
My sweet Kathleen. So young, so sweet, so beautiful and funny. So full of...life. From the second I first held her in my arms, she had a shine in her eyes; a passion to live the life she was given to the fullest.
I'm not ready to let her go home to heaven. I want her to go to Heaven, of course. But not here. Not now. She has so many dreams she hasn't lived out yet; I curse myself for not making at least some of them come true.
She'd wanted to see the world; especially France and Italy. I'd always told her that we couldn't afford to send her as an exchange student. If we'd saved, though, we could have, and I wish we had.
She had wanted to graduate from high school as co-valedictorian with Martina; to graduate with first honors on full scholarship to a drama school. She'd wanted to be in love; true love, if only once in her lifetime. She'd wanted to act on Broadway, and Film and Television. She'd wanted to get married and have and raise children. She'd wanted to move to Manhattan after she graduated.
She can't die.
She's never really had a chance to live yet.
I close my eyes, and try to force back my tears.
Will she ever have a chance to see her dreams come true?
Will her eyes ever see this world again?
Is she still alive right now?
I count the seconds. One...two...three...four...five...
They might as well be hours.
St. Monica's Hospital
September 18th, 2:00 AM
Queens, New York
Kathleen Stabler's POV
There's light straight ahead of me. It's beautiful, and it reminds me of Midnight Mass at St. Paul's when the cathedral was lit completely by candles.
I look ahead of me. I sense the love my parents have told me is consistent in heaven, and although I thought I would be, I'm not afraid. Dad and Martina are probably dead, were probably killed, and without them with me in life, I might as well be, too. I know the Andreas' are there.
I am more than ready to spend eternity with them; to meet my Savior, to see the Blessed Virgin, to be in the prescence of the Creator of the universe.
I start to walk towards the light.
St. Monica's Hospital
September 18th, 2:00 AM
Queens, New York
Elliot Stabler's POV
I gently reach over to pat Martina's hand as she sits down beside me. It's early morning...very early morning...but there's no chance that none of us are going to sleep. Olivia took the twins home around nine. Martina stayed with Kathy and I, but we couldn't reach Maureen.
Father Jacob came to the hospital last night around eleven to give Kathleen the final sacrament. The Sacrament of Death.
We all know it's not going to be much longer.
God have mercy on us when it's over.
It's very early in the morning, but there's no chance that any of us will sleep. We're tired, but sleep won't come. We're too worried.
Martina just got back from the chapel. She left to pray right after Father Jacob left.She's been praying for hours. She's stopped crying; but emptiness has replaced the short-found joy she had worked so hard to get back into her eyes.
Kathy hasn't moved in several hours. Her eyes are fixed onto the floor, and she's completely motionless.
I realize that tears are welling up in my eyes. My little girl...I'll never understand how this happened. I...just...how can it be happening? I know that soon she'll be gone from me, but it isn't fully hitting me.
I'm sure if it was, I'd be in hyserics.
Instead, I'm smiling through my tears at my memories of Kathleen. I remember when she was just a little girl; when we used to go to the park together. I remember when she started tenth grade, how long and hard I had to work to help her understand math. She'd worked hard, too; relentlessly, consistently, with passion. I think it was one of the proudest moments of my life when she showed me the A she had achieved as a final mark in math. I remember her acting Matron Mama Morton this summer. I may have hated it then.
I would give anything if she were up there on that stage right now.
I'm shaken out of my reverie by a nurse walking into the room. I know from the look on her face that this isn't good.
"Her heart rate is approaching flat. I thought you might want to see her before...I'm sorry." She said, "There's nothing more we can do."
We all know what it means. We walk towards her room. It might as well be a funeral procession.
I walk in, say something to her, but what I say right now isn't registering. I'm praying to the Lord that something will happen; change; that she'll be okay once she knows we're here with her. That she'll open her eyes; alive and alert.
Nothing...
St. Monica's Hospital
September 18th, 2:06 AM
Queens, New York
Kathleen Stabler's POV
The light is surrounding me; so is the prescence of love. I'm walking towards it...yes. This is the Kingdom. But I hear a voice...I think I know it...it's so strange...it's not coming from the light, it's coming from behind me.
My father's voice...he is alive.
"Kathleen...it's dad...I love you, sweetheart..." His voice dies out. I think he's crying...why is he crying? Doesn't he know how happy I am right now?
I look again to the light. Am I supposed to choose my Father in Heaven or my father on earth?
What am I meant to do? And what about Martina? If she's gone...what's the point?
I continue walking in the light.
St. Monica's Hospital
September 18th, 2:08 AM
Martina Andreas' POV
I can't believe that this is it. I can't accept that this is the last time I'll talk to my best friend. I won't accept it. Kathy and Elliot just said their completely heart-wrenching goodbyes.
I hate myself for doing this to them. It's all my fault. If I had stayed with Brian, none of this would have happened. And my family would be alive.
No, I can't see this as the end. The end for her is the end for me, too. I remember the conversation we had, right after I'd moved in with the Stabler's...
Kathleen smiled, laughing at the memory of us when we were little.
"I'm really glad you're still here, Marty."
"...Thanks."
"What, you're not?"
"Kath, I'll be honest. There's days I think I deserve to die. I'm glad I didn't, but-"
The shock in her face is hitting me hard.
"Martina, if you end your life, it's the end for me, too. Don't you dare. Don't even think it!"
I smile, remembering how much she loved all of us.
"Hey, Kath." I say, walking up to the bed. I can treat this only one way. Act as if this isn't the end.
"You aren't really going to die on me, are you? The end for you is the end for me, remember? We promised. And...oh, yeah. You can't really plan on making me be valedictorian all on my own, can you? How much would that suck?"
Elliot and I both take her hands; me on the left him on the right. Everything within us focuses on the heart monitor.
Still nothing.
The first tear breaks free from me, followed by more. I want to hold it back, but I can't control it. I control nothing.
"Please, Kath." I beg.
St. Monica's
September 18th, 2:08 AM
Kathleen Stabler's POV
I'm still walking in the light, but this time Martina's voice breaks my concentration on it. She's okay! I thank God over and over as she jokes the way she does in our room when we're supposed to be studying.
I feel a my father's hand take mine. The same hand that wiped away my tears over the years, comforted me when I was scared, stroked my hair as I sobbed when I found out that Mthe Andreas' were missing. I feel Martina take my other hand and beg me to come back. Mom is putting her hand on my leg, joining Martina in begging me to come back.
"C'mon, Kath," I hear Martina sob, her quiet sobs echoed by my parents, "You won't make me be valedictorian all by myself. You won't."
It's my turn to wipe their tears away. I gasp for the air which will welcome me back to earth.
St. Monica's
September 18th, 2:09 AM
Kathy Stabler's POV
"C'mon, Kath," I hear Martina repeat, this time sobbing instead of laughing, "You won't make me be valedictorian by myself. You won't."
She sobs in perfect unison with Elliot and I, her sobs multiplying when Kathleen doesn't respond. Elliot, Marty and I slowly put our arms around each other, sobbing. We know that the time has come, but we can't face it; we can't look towards Kathleen.
Our thoughts are broken by a gasp, and a quiet sentance.
"You're right, Martina...I won't..."
AN: There's still more to come, so I hope you all keep reading.Also,I'm not sure if this will show up in large font on the site...my dad has his computer font set in large, and I don't know howto change that. Hopefully, it automatically changes. If this chapter does show up in large font...sorry!
Please review!
