I'll make this quick. Yes, another sad chapter (I'd say this is the saddest so far, but feel free to disagree), and I have no idea whatsoever where it came from. And thank you all for all the reviews!
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The funeral was hell. I couldn't remember much, but I didn't cry, and it made me physically sick to hear what people were saying about her. Dylan did the eulogy. He had offered it to me, but I couldn't. Dylan still hadn't cried. It was like he hadn't been affected by it. No, he had been affected by it, he just. . . he was dealing with it. I wasn't.
I wanted to go back to school about a week after the funeral, but school was out for Christmas. I didn't want to deal with Christmas at all. It was all about coming together. Who care? What about the people who didn't come together, who couldn't come together. On Christmas eve, I made a list of all the reasons I hated Christmas and why it should be made illegal. I didn't show anyone else.
Christmas day, my two aunts came over. They were both younger than my mom and both lived pretty close. Aunt Alicia was married with two kids- Laurie, 4, and Megan, 2. Both girls were awesome. Her husband was pretty cool too. My aunt Amy came with her new boyfriend. I had gotten a few of them presents before the accident, but whoever I hadn't shopped for before had been forgotten. They didn't make a fuss.
After the presents, I excused myself, took my things, and went to lie down in my room. I wanted to shoot most of them. They were acting happy. How could they just be happy on my mom's favourite holiday? My mom's favourite holiday she couldn't be here for because she was dead. I decided against punching a wall, and instead but on one of my new CDs and cried. No one had to know how upset I was. I cried quietly, all alone.
I cried until I had no more tears left. My pillow, face, and hair were all damp, and I was cold, but I just lied there, staring into space, and thinking about my mom.
"Paige?" a small voice asked from the other side of the door. It opened, and I small head poked in. "I allowed in?"
I looked down at Laurie. She was dressed up in a fancy Christmas dress, which featured a skirt that puffed out when she twirled- she was very proud of this fact-, black dress shoes, and her curly brown hair had been pulled back with a Christmas barrette.
I wiped my face and tried to smile. "Sure you can come in, sweetie."
She smiled, then came in, shutting the door behind her. I went to get up, but she climbed up in my bed and climbed on my stomach.
"Why Paige sad?" she asked.
I wanted to shout 'because my mom's dead, you moron!', but Laurie was to sweet for me to ever hurt her. "I'm just a little lonely."
"Do you miss auntie Anna?"
I studied her face. She was so innocent, and probably didn't understand that her aunt Anna was my mom. And she also probably didn't understand that her aunt Anna was never coming back. "Yeah, I miss auntie Anna."
She took that as seriously as a four year old can take something. "Me too." She looked sad as well. "Mommy cried because she misses auntie Anna. She said that she went for a party to say bye to auntie Anna, but she wouldn't let me come."
Apparently I hadn't been all cried out before, because I felt hot tears burning behind my eyes again. I didn't want Laurie to see me cry, so I blinked them back and swallowed the lump growing in my throat. I couldn't speak. Luckily, Laurie wasn't done.
"Auntie Anna's the coolest!"
"She was," I agreed.
"She's nicer than auntie Amy. She always plays with me. Auntie Amy plays with her boyfriend. Why does auntie Amy play with a boy?"
I almost smiled when she asked that. "I don't know."
"Do you play with boys?"
Had anyone over the age of ten asked me that, I probably would have been offended, but I took it from a four-year-old's point of view. Playing with a boy when I was four. "Yeah, I guess I play with boys."
"Ewww," she squealed. "Boys is yucky!"
I tickled her. "Sometimes. But I bet you'll like them when you're older."
"Nuh-uh," she said proudly, sticking out her tongue at me, then giggling. Suddenly, her face turned serious again. "Mommy says auntie Anna's never coming back."
This time I couldn't keep the tears from welling up in my eyes. "She's right, sweetie. Auntie Anna's never coming back."
She looked sad when I said that, then looked at me with her big brown eyes. Completely trusting big brown eyes. "Are you going away like auntie Anna, Paige?"
Tears spilled over. I wished I was going away. I didn't know if I wanted to die, or just get away from everything. "No, sweetie," I whispered. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Good." She realized I was crying, and brought her head down to my chest, then wrapped her arms around my neck. "Don't be sad, Paige." She gave me a big, sloppy kiss on the cheek. "We hafta have birdie and can berries."
"Do you mean cranberries?" I asked, wiping my eyes.
"No. Can berries!"
I smiled . "Okay. Let's go eat can berries."
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After our dinner of- among other things- birdie and can berries, my aunts and uncles started talking about mom. Megan and Laurie had been playing with Dylan, but Megan had crawled into his lap and promptly fell asleep, and Laurie's eyes were looking pretty glazed over while watching The Grinch for the thirty-seventh time. I was going to hide out in my room again when the phone rang.
"Hello?" I asked.
"Hey. Do you have a minute?" It was Spinner. I smiled slightly, looked into the living room, where my relatives were still taking without any sign of stopping. I dragged the phone cord as far was it would go, and I sat on the floor of the bathroom. The tile floor was cold, but I didn't care.
"How are you holding up?" he asked.
I closed my eyes and leaned against the bathtub. "I miss her, Spin. I can't stop missing her. Her sisters are here, and they're talking about her. I can't even listen to them. Christmas was her favourite holiday, and it's like they're just getting on with it. I feel like I'm all alone." I had talked to him once or twice since he had come to see me, but we had carefully skated around what had happened between us. "How's your Christmas going?"
"It was okay. I'm just hiding out from my aunt."
"Why?"
"She's trying to make me do the dishes."
"Wuss."
"Hey, I've already suffered today," he responded defensively. "I wasn't allowed to have spray cheese with my turkey. . . don't roll your eyes at me."
"How did you know I was rolling my eyes?"
"What can I say? I'm psychic."
"Are your cousins there?"
"Oh yeah. All twelve of them."
I smiled at the thought of his five-year-old cousins hanging off of him. "I hate it."
"You hate what?"
"Christmas."
"It's almost over," he said comfortingly.
I shook my head, but said nothing. It wasn't almost over. We were on the fourth day of a sixteen day vacation. Christmas wasn't just one day. It lasted two damn weeks. And then I'd have to go back and have everyone point and stare. Talk about the girl who's mom died. No one would ask me directly, but all would wonder behind my back. All the teachers would ask me how I was, and give me a break on work. Christmas wasn't just one day. At that rate, Christmas would last all freaking year. I squeezed my eyes tightly. I didn't want to cry again. "My aunt's calling me," I lied. "I have to go."
"Okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Sure. Thanks for calling."
"Paige?"
"Yeah?"
"You're not all alone."
The phone went dead in my hand. I didn't put it down, even when it started beeping at me, but opened my eyes and let the tears stream out.
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The funeral was hell. I couldn't remember much, but I didn't cry, and it made me physically sick to hear what people were saying about her. Dylan did the eulogy. He had offered it to me, but I couldn't. Dylan still hadn't cried. It was like he hadn't been affected by it. No, he had been affected by it, he just. . . he was dealing with it. I wasn't.
I wanted to go back to school about a week after the funeral, but school was out for Christmas. I didn't want to deal with Christmas at all. It was all about coming together. Who care? What about the people who didn't come together, who couldn't come together. On Christmas eve, I made a list of all the reasons I hated Christmas and why it should be made illegal. I didn't show anyone else.
Christmas day, my two aunts came over. They were both younger than my mom and both lived pretty close. Aunt Alicia was married with two kids- Laurie, 4, and Megan, 2. Both girls were awesome. Her husband was pretty cool too. My aunt Amy came with her new boyfriend. I had gotten a few of them presents before the accident, but whoever I hadn't shopped for before had been forgotten. They didn't make a fuss.
After the presents, I excused myself, took my things, and went to lie down in my room. I wanted to shoot most of them. They were acting happy. How could they just be happy on my mom's favourite holiday? My mom's favourite holiday she couldn't be here for because she was dead. I decided against punching a wall, and instead but on one of my new CDs and cried. No one had to know how upset I was. I cried quietly, all alone.
I cried until I had no more tears left. My pillow, face, and hair were all damp, and I was cold, but I just lied there, staring into space, and thinking about my mom.
"Paige?" a small voice asked from the other side of the door. It opened, and I small head poked in. "I allowed in?"
I looked down at Laurie. She was dressed up in a fancy Christmas dress, which featured a skirt that puffed out when she twirled- she was very proud of this fact-, black dress shoes, and her curly brown hair had been pulled back with a Christmas barrette.
I wiped my face and tried to smile. "Sure you can come in, sweetie."
She smiled, then came in, shutting the door behind her. I went to get up, but she climbed up in my bed and climbed on my stomach.
"Why Paige sad?" she asked.
I wanted to shout 'because my mom's dead, you moron!', but Laurie was to sweet for me to ever hurt her. "I'm just a little lonely."
"Do you miss auntie Anna?"
I studied her face. She was so innocent, and probably didn't understand that her aunt Anna was my mom. And she also probably didn't understand that her aunt Anna was never coming back. "Yeah, I miss auntie Anna."
She took that as seriously as a four year old can take something. "Me too." She looked sad as well. "Mommy cried because she misses auntie Anna. She said that she went for a party to say bye to auntie Anna, but she wouldn't let me come."
Apparently I hadn't been all cried out before, because I felt hot tears burning behind my eyes again. I didn't want Laurie to see me cry, so I blinked them back and swallowed the lump growing in my throat. I couldn't speak. Luckily, Laurie wasn't done.
"Auntie Anna's the coolest!"
"She was," I agreed.
"She's nicer than auntie Amy. She always plays with me. Auntie Amy plays with her boyfriend. Why does auntie Amy play with a boy?"
I almost smiled when she asked that. "I don't know."
"Do you play with boys?"
Had anyone over the age of ten asked me that, I probably would have been offended, but I took it from a four-year-old's point of view. Playing with a boy when I was four. "Yeah, I guess I play with boys."
"Ewww," she squealed. "Boys is yucky!"
I tickled her. "Sometimes. But I bet you'll like them when you're older."
"Nuh-uh," she said proudly, sticking out her tongue at me, then giggling. Suddenly, her face turned serious again. "Mommy says auntie Anna's never coming back."
This time I couldn't keep the tears from welling up in my eyes. "She's right, sweetie. Auntie Anna's never coming back."
She looked sad when I said that, then looked at me with her big brown eyes. Completely trusting big brown eyes. "Are you going away like auntie Anna, Paige?"
Tears spilled over. I wished I was going away. I didn't know if I wanted to die, or just get away from everything. "No, sweetie," I whispered. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Good." She realized I was crying, and brought her head down to my chest, then wrapped her arms around my neck. "Don't be sad, Paige." She gave me a big, sloppy kiss on the cheek. "We hafta have birdie and can berries."
"Do you mean cranberries?" I asked, wiping my eyes.
"No. Can berries!"
I smiled . "Okay. Let's go eat can berries."
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After our dinner of- among other things- birdie and can berries, my aunts and uncles started talking about mom. Megan and Laurie had been playing with Dylan, but Megan had crawled into his lap and promptly fell asleep, and Laurie's eyes were looking pretty glazed over while watching The Grinch for the thirty-seventh time. I was going to hide out in my room again when the phone rang.
"Hello?" I asked.
"Hey. Do you have a minute?" It was Spinner. I smiled slightly, looked into the living room, where my relatives were still taking without any sign of stopping. I dragged the phone cord as far was it would go, and I sat on the floor of the bathroom. The tile floor was cold, but I didn't care.
"How are you holding up?" he asked.
I closed my eyes and leaned against the bathtub. "I miss her, Spin. I can't stop missing her. Her sisters are here, and they're talking about her. I can't even listen to them. Christmas was her favourite holiday, and it's like they're just getting on with it. I feel like I'm all alone." I had talked to him once or twice since he had come to see me, but we had carefully skated around what had happened between us. "How's your Christmas going?"
"It was okay. I'm just hiding out from my aunt."
"Why?"
"She's trying to make me do the dishes."
"Wuss."
"Hey, I've already suffered today," he responded defensively. "I wasn't allowed to have spray cheese with my turkey. . . don't roll your eyes at me."
"How did you know I was rolling my eyes?"
"What can I say? I'm psychic."
"Are your cousins there?"
"Oh yeah. All twelve of them."
I smiled at the thought of his five-year-old cousins hanging off of him. "I hate it."
"You hate what?"
"Christmas."
"It's almost over," he said comfortingly.
I shook my head, but said nothing. It wasn't almost over. We were on the fourth day of a sixteen day vacation. Christmas wasn't just one day. It lasted two damn weeks. And then I'd have to go back and have everyone point and stare. Talk about the girl who's mom died. No one would ask me directly, but all would wonder behind my back. All the teachers would ask me how I was, and give me a break on work. Christmas wasn't just one day. At that rate, Christmas would last all freaking year. I squeezed my eyes tightly. I didn't want to cry again. "My aunt's calling me," I lied. "I have to go."
"Okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Sure. Thanks for calling."
"Paige?"
"Yeah?"
"You're not all alone."
The phone went dead in my hand. I didn't put it down, even when it started beeping at me, but opened my eyes and let the tears stream out.
