I don't know what's happening, but I'm suddenly getting very inspired. The words are just coming. I can't promise that I'll be able to write this often all the time, but I'll try.
Thank you all for your reviews! It's awesome. You're all awesome!
Also, for all you who don't know (I didn't realize that they don't have Boxing Day in the States. Sorry!), Boxing day is December 26th.
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I was freezing. I had a hat, scarf, mitts and my winter jacket, and I was shivering. Despite that, I couldn't bring myself to walk through the doors.
It had been a week since Christmas. I was going back to school in four days. I still didn't feel much better. Dylan had asked me to come. He said it would be good for me. But he hadn't come.
It was a support group for high school and university-aged people who had lost someone close to them. I had been to a support group in the same building awhile back, after I had been raped. I hadn't wanted to go, but they had helped me. I still went once and awhile, when I had a nightmare or started having bad flashbacks again. I took a deep breath, and pushed open the door.
I found the room quickly, and though the door was open, I just stared in, seriously considering running away. There were guys and girls inside, something I hadn't seen in my previous support group. Some were talking, laughing even, some were alone, some were in a group, not saying a word. I pulled off my hat and gloves, and ran my fingers though my hair. I took another deep breath and walked in. I took a seat in the circle away from everyone, and I kept my jacket on, ready to bolt. No one really acknowledged me. I waited a minute, two minutes, three minutes. Just as I was about to leave. Someone came in and called the meeting to order. People took their seats. No one sat beside me.
Everything seemed to buzz. Someone was talking? Buzz. Someone moved their chair? Buzz. One girl started crying? Buzz.
From the corner of my eye, not too long into the meeting, I saw movement. I turned and saw the stranger from the hospital and funeral home come in.
"Sorry," he said as the group gave him a dirty looking. It wasn't buzzing anymore. I could hear the chairs moving, the people talking and the girl crying. He took the first empty seat he found, across the circle from me, and sat down silently.
I tried to listen, I really did, but all I could focus on was him. I couldn't really consider him a stranger anymore, but I still had no idea of his name. I watched the way he looked at others, the way he sat, the way he stared at the floor when someone else was talking. He had been through something like I had at the same time as I had. The same amount of time had passed for the both of us. Had he dealt with it? I sure hadn't. He looked tired, maybe more so than the last time I had seen him, or maybe I was just more aware of it. He wore the same jacket I had seen him with the first night. He sat forward with his arms rested on his legs. He was tall.
After the meeting, a couple of people got up and hugged each other. Everyone seemed to get up. I felt left out. Once the room started to clear out, I followed suit. The stranger came over to me.
"You again," I said softly. He rewarded me with a brief smile, but didn't look at me while he did so.
"We have to stop meeting like this."
I allowed myself to smile. "God, I wish we didn't have to."
"How are you doing?" He looked up, and locked his eyes in with mine. Ordinarily it would have scared me, to have a stranger look at me that intensely. It made me feel like he could see right through me. But with him, I knew it was true. He could see right past everything. He was just like me. He was the only one who understood.
"It sucks," I whispered. I didn't want to cry in front of him, but I felt hot tears spilling over. I quickly fisted them away and looked down. "It really sucks." I regained control of myself, then looked up. "What about you?"
"About them same as you. Just grateful that Christmas is almost over."
"That makes two of us."
"Lots of family?"
I shook my head. "Small Christmas. They pretended nothing was wrong in the morning, then all talked about her after dinner. They've dealt. I haven't."
"Sounds like mine."
"How'd you deal?"
"Hit the eggnog hard before they started talking about her."
The intensity I felt around him scared me. I didn't know what it was. It was a connection like nothing I'd ever felt before.
"Have you come here before?"
"I didn't know this place existed until today."
"Do you think you're coming back?"
"I can't think of any other solution."
"I guess I'll see you next week then."
"Next week," he echoed. We stared at each other for another minute before I was able to move. Halfway to the door, I turned back around.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"Paige," I told him, zipping up my jacket. I waited for his answer.
"Nicholas."
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I pulled my hair out of the ponytail I had it in. Then put it back up, and pulled off my shirt, trying to find something else to wear. I picked out another shirt, pulled it on, and was about to pull it off again when I heard a knock on my bedroom door.
"Come in," I muttered, flopping down on my bed.
Dylan came in, careful not to step on the pile of clothes littered all over the floor, and sat down beside me on my bed.
"Are you ready?" he asked.
"No."
We both sat there in silence. Although I couldn't wait to get away, I wasn't ready to go back. "They're all going to know."
"How?"
I shrugged. "It's high school. Besides, it was in the paper."
"Do you want to stay home?"
I shook my head. "I have to go."
He nodded. "Are you going to be able to get a ride home tonight?"
"Yeah."
"I'll be home as soon as I can. It'll take me awhile to clear out my dorm."
"That's okay."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm okay Dylan." I plastered the best smile I could on my face, the smile that I planned on using for everyone. "I'm fine."
"We should get going."
"I need to change."
He shot me a look. "You've been changing for an hour and a half."
"Well you're a guy. You get out of bed a go. Whatever, I'll just wear this."
He nodded, then got up and left. As he was closing my door, he shouted, "You better be ready in twenty minutes."
I sighed. Was I supposed to look bad? Was I supposed to wear black? Why hadn't someone told me about this? Why wasn't there a rule set in stone about how to deal with death? Why did it have to be so hard?
Finally, I decided that I should wear black. I wore blue jeans, but a black shirt. I didn't know if it was socially acceptable, but I didn't care. I decided to wear my hair up, then it came back down. Then up, then down again. Finally I just braided it so I couldn't keep playing with it. I took it out again and left it open.
"I don't think I can do this," I told Dylan as arrived at school. My hair was up.
He turned to me. "It'll get easier, Paige."
"I don't want it to get easier! I want it to be easier now!"
He waited before answering. "I know. I do too."
I couldn't understand why he wanted things easier. He was getting through it without any problems. I didn't say it though.
"What do I tell them when they ask how I'm feeling?" This was my biggest question. They were probably only going to ask to be polite, and wouldn't want a long answer. Then again, it would look like I was unaffected by her death if I said I was okay.
"Slap them," he replied with a smile. "They ask stupid questions, they get stupid answers."
The car behind us honked. "I better go."
"Knock 'em dead."
I tried to smile, then picked up my bag and got out. I walked up to the steps and froze. People. There were so many people. All of them knew.
"I figure you'll be needing one of these right about now," a voice behind me said. I turned around to see Spinner holding two paper coffee cups. He handed one to me.
"Thanks," I said, taking a sip. Chocolate Lovers Latte. God he knew me well. "Do they all know?"
"Who?"
"Everyone at the school?"
"Probably. But they're all worried about you."
"Doubt that." I looked back at the school, then thought of my nice, warm bed and the bottle of sleeping pills beside it. I could go home and sleep. "How much did I miss?"
"Not enough to matter. Everything got crazy with Christmas. Are you doing okay?"
I shrugged. "I guess."
"Come on. Let's do this. And I'll personally make sure that anyone who pulls anything with you gets the crap beat out of them." I had no doubt that he would. And could. For the past year, he had spent a ridiculous number of hours in the gym, earning him an impressive build, along with the attention of many of Degrassi's most popular girls.
"Thank you."
He turned around and looked surprised. "For what?"
How could I tell him how much it meant to me, him doing all of this? I wrapped my arms around him, careful not to spill any of my latte on his shirt. "For being here today." I regained control of myself and let go. He was smiling.
"I guess we should get to class," I finally said.
Thank you all for your reviews! It's awesome. You're all awesome!
Also, for all you who don't know (I didn't realize that they don't have Boxing Day in the States. Sorry!), Boxing day is December 26th.
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I was freezing. I had a hat, scarf, mitts and my winter jacket, and I was shivering. Despite that, I couldn't bring myself to walk through the doors.
It had been a week since Christmas. I was going back to school in four days. I still didn't feel much better. Dylan had asked me to come. He said it would be good for me. But he hadn't come.
It was a support group for high school and university-aged people who had lost someone close to them. I had been to a support group in the same building awhile back, after I had been raped. I hadn't wanted to go, but they had helped me. I still went once and awhile, when I had a nightmare or started having bad flashbacks again. I took a deep breath, and pushed open the door.
I found the room quickly, and though the door was open, I just stared in, seriously considering running away. There were guys and girls inside, something I hadn't seen in my previous support group. Some were talking, laughing even, some were alone, some were in a group, not saying a word. I pulled off my hat and gloves, and ran my fingers though my hair. I took another deep breath and walked in. I took a seat in the circle away from everyone, and I kept my jacket on, ready to bolt. No one really acknowledged me. I waited a minute, two minutes, three minutes. Just as I was about to leave. Someone came in and called the meeting to order. People took their seats. No one sat beside me.
Everything seemed to buzz. Someone was talking? Buzz. Someone moved their chair? Buzz. One girl started crying? Buzz.
From the corner of my eye, not too long into the meeting, I saw movement. I turned and saw the stranger from the hospital and funeral home come in.
"Sorry," he said as the group gave him a dirty looking. It wasn't buzzing anymore. I could hear the chairs moving, the people talking and the girl crying. He took the first empty seat he found, across the circle from me, and sat down silently.
I tried to listen, I really did, but all I could focus on was him. I couldn't really consider him a stranger anymore, but I still had no idea of his name. I watched the way he looked at others, the way he sat, the way he stared at the floor when someone else was talking. He had been through something like I had at the same time as I had. The same amount of time had passed for the both of us. Had he dealt with it? I sure hadn't. He looked tired, maybe more so than the last time I had seen him, or maybe I was just more aware of it. He wore the same jacket I had seen him with the first night. He sat forward with his arms rested on his legs. He was tall.
After the meeting, a couple of people got up and hugged each other. Everyone seemed to get up. I felt left out. Once the room started to clear out, I followed suit. The stranger came over to me.
"You again," I said softly. He rewarded me with a brief smile, but didn't look at me while he did so.
"We have to stop meeting like this."
I allowed myself to smile. "God, I wish we didn't have to."
"How are you doing?" He looked up, and locked his eyes in with mine. Ordinarily it would have scared me, to have a stranger look at me that intensely. It made me feel like he could see right through me. But with him, I knew it was true. He could see right past everything. He was just like me. He was the only one who understood.
"It sucks," I whispered. I didn't want to cry in front of him, but I felt hot tears spilling over. I quickly fisted them away and looked down. "It really sucks." I regained control of myself, then looked up. "What about you?"
"About them same as you. Just grateful that Christmas is almost over."
"That makes two of us."
"Lots of family?"
I shook my head. "Small Christmas. They pretended nothing was wrong in the morning, then all talked about her after dinner. They've dealt. I haven't."
"Sounds like mine."
"How'd you deal?"
"Hit the eggnog hard before they started talking about her."
The intensity I felt around him scared me. I didn't know what it was. It was a connection like nothing I'd ever felt before.
"Have you come here before?"
"I didn't know this place existed until today."
"Do you think you're coming back?"
"I can't think of any other solution."
"I guess I'll see you next week then."
"Next week," he echoed. We stared at each other for another minute before I was able to move. Halfway to the door, I turned back around.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"Paige," I told him, zipping up my jacket. I waited for his answer.
"Nicholas."
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I pulled my hair out of the ponytail I had it in. Then put it back up, and pulled off my shirt, trying to find something else to wear. I picked out another shirt, pulled it on, and was about to pull it off again when I heard a knock on my bedroom door.
"Come in," I muttered, flopping down on my bed.
Dylan came in, careful not to step on the pile of clothes littered all over the floor, and sat down beside me on my bed.
"Are you ready?" he asked.
"No."
We both sat there in silence. Although I couldn't wait to get away, I wasn't ready to go back. "They're all going to know."
"How?"
I shrugged. "It's high school. Besides, it was in the paper."
"Do you want to stay home?"
I shook my head. "I have to go."
He nodded. "Are you going to be able to get a ride home tonight?"
"Yeah."
"I'll be home as soon as I can. It'll take me awhile to clear out my dorm."
"That's okay."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm okay Dylan." I plastered the best smile I could on my face, the smile that I planned on using for everyone. "I'm fine."
"We should get going."
"I need to change."
He shot me a look. "You've been changing for an hour and a half."
"Well you're a guy. You get out of bed a go. Whatever, I'll just wear this."
He nodded, then got up and left. As he was closing my door, he shouted, "You better be ready in twenty minutes."
I sighed. Was I supposed to look bad? Was I supposed to wear black? Why hadn't someone told me about this? Why wasn't there a rule set in stone about how to deal with death? Why did it have to be so hard?
Finally, I decided that I should wear black. I wore blue jeans, but a black shirt. I didn't know if it was socially acceptable, but I didn't care. I decided to wear my hair up, then it came back down. Then up, then down again. Finally I just braided it so I couldn't keep playing with it. I took it out again and left it open.
"I don't think I can do this," I told Dylan as arrived at school. My hair was up.
He turned to me. "It'll get easier, Paige."
"I don't want it to get easier! I want it to be easier now!"
He waited before answering. "I know. I do too."
I couldn't understand why he wanted things easier. He was getting through it without any problems. I didn't say it though.
"What do I tell them when they ask how I'm feeling?" This was my biggest question. They were probably only going to ask to be polite, and wouldn't want a long answer. Then again, it would look like I was unaffected by her death if I said I was okay.
"Slap them," he replied with a smile. "They ask stupid questions, they get stupid answers."
The car behind us honked. "I better go."
"Knock 'em dead."
I tried to smile, then picked up my bag and got out. I walked up to the steps and froze. People. There were so many people. All of them knew.
"I figure you'll be needing one of these right about now," a voice behind me said. I turned around to see Spinner holding two paper coffee cups. He handed one to me.
"Thanks," I said, taking a sip. Chocolate Lovers Latte. God he knew me well. "Do they all know?"
"Who?"
"Everyone at the school?"
"Probably. But they're all worried about you."
"Doubt that." I looked back at the school, then thought of my nice, warm bed and the bottle of sleeping pills beside it. I could go home and sleep. "How much did I miss?"
"Not enough to matter. Everything got crazy with Christmas. Are you doing okay?"
I shrugged. "I guess."
"Come on. Let's do this. And I'll personally make sure that anyone who pulls anything with you gets the crap beat out of them." I had no doubt that he would. And could. For the past year, he had spent a ridiculous number of hours in the gym, earning him an impressive build, along with the attention of many of Degrassi's most popular girls.
"Thank you."
He turned around and looked surprised. "For what?"
How could I tell him how much it meant to me, him doing all of this? I wrapped my arms around him, careful not to spill any of my latte on his shirt. "For being here today." I regained control of myself and let go. He was smiling.
"I guess we should get to class," I finally said.
