I know I've been horrible about updating and review other stories. I am going to keep updating, I can guarentee that. But time is not on my side, and it takes me awhile. Thanks for sticking with me!

The song at the end is "Damaged" by TLC.

Oh, and if there's anything you might want to see in this story, e-mail me and let me know. I'll see what I can do. ;)

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I thought about everything Ashley said long and hard. A part of me wanted to tell Nicholas about everything. I wanted him to understand. But I was afraid that I was romanticizing things in my head too much, thinking that he would automatically want to kill Dean, and make sure that nothing ever happened to me again. The way it would happen in the movies and on TV. The way he'd make everything alright, and we'd be closer than ever.

Spinner had been amazing when I'd told him. He'd reacted as well as I ever could have dreamed of. Better even. But that wasn't the way guys normally reacted. Girls I'd talked to said that their boyfriends or friends couldn't look at them the same after. They said that their boyfriends couldn't touch them anymore. Or that their guy friends were too afraid to say anything for fear of offending them. They said that they felt like people looked at them like they were damaged. I'd felt that way as well. But Nicholas didn't know those things about me, and he didn't feel sorry for me, or like there was something wrong with me.

What would happen if I did tell him? He wouldn't understand me? He wouldn't respect me? He wouldn't be able to look at me anymore? I would loose him?

And that, I couldn't handle.

"Paige?"

I looked up and stared up blankly at my math teacher. "53?" I guessed.

He smirked slightly. "I asked for the formula for question three."

I felt my cheeks redden, and looked down at my paper. I blurted out the first equation I saw.

My teacher looked a bit surprised, but said that it was correct, and went on with the lesson. Spinner tapped me on the shoulder and handed me a note.

'Everything okay?', it read. I smiled back at him, then wrote, 'Fine. I've just got something on my mind. :)', then handed it back to him. Within seconds he handed me a note, saying, 'do you want to talk about it?'. I smiled, then looked back at him and shook my head. I wasn't going to talk about it with anyone, let alone my ex-boyfriend.

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"Can I ask you something?" I asked Dylan that night, plopping down on his bed. He turned his chair around to face me.

"Shoot," he said, absently spinning a football in his hands. I looked down at the bed spread.

"When you. . . when I said. . . when. . . ." I felt tears starting to form behind my eyes, frustration building within me for not being able to just say it.

"In grade nine, when I. . ." I looked up sheepishly at him, hoping that he understood.

"When you were raped?" he asked softly, not looking me in the eye.

"Yeah," I whispered. "When you found out about it. . . did you think of me differently?"

Dylan put down the football he was holding and slid his chair over to me. "In a way," he finally said. "I think I thought more of myself differently."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm your big brother, Paige. I'm supposed to be the big, mean protector."

"No you're not."

"I always had been though. Remember grade two?"

"When the grade fives were picking on me?"

"Yep."

"And you got suspended for flighting them?"

"Yep. I had always been the one who protected you. And then I found out that this had happened. And I felt like I had failed."

"But. . . it wasn't your fault."

"To an extent, I felt like it was."

"But you didn't think of me differently?"

"Why are you asking about this now?"

"No reason," I said, picking at his bedspread.

"Is this about the guy you're dating?"

"Maybe."

"You want to tell him?"

"I don't know."

"What are you afraid of?"

I stopped picking at his bedspread, but still looked down, my eyes starting to burn, the sharp hint of tears forming behind them. "I don't want him to think that I'm damaged," I finally blurted out. "Just tell me that after you found out, you didn't think I was damaged."

Dylan watched me for a minute, but said nothing.

And I walked out before he had the chance to say anything.

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Later that night, I was trying to concentrate on my homework, but couldn't bring myself to look at it. All I could think of was telling Nicholas.

Or not.

"Paige?" Dylan asked, knocking softly on my door.

I quickly wiped my eyes. "What?"

He opened the door slowly. "Can I come in?"

"Do I have a choice?" I asked, turning back over to my work.

"Not really." I heard him walk over to me, and sat down on the corner of my desk. "I think you misunderstood me earlier."

"There wasn't a whole lot to misunderstand." I still wouldn't look at him.

"I don't think you're damaged. I shouldn't have come across like I thought you were."

"Then what did you think I was?"

"I felt scared a lot. Like I would do something wrong or say something wrong. And I wanted to kill him. God, Paige, how I wanted to kill him."

I still didn't look at him, but I felt some of the anger inside me starting to melt.

"I'll let you do your homework. But just think about what I said, okay?"

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Friday night I was at Nicholas's again. I had gone to watch his rugby game- yawn-, and we'd ordered in Chinese food after we got back. We'd pretty much finished eating- straight out of the container. He was a university student, after all. And, of course, he had opened his customary bottle of wine. However, that night, we were on the third bottle this time when we finished dinner. I liked the feeling that was slowly creeping over me, finally being about to push the nagging thoughts out of my head, and leaving me finally to concentrate on Nicholas. So when he kissed me, I didn't object. Or when he took off my shirt.

"Is this okay?" he asked.

I was able to answer a calm, truthful yes. Something inside me felt uneasy, but I ignored it. Now that I finally could. To reinforce the point, I kissed him again. Hard.

He went along with it. Time passed, and more articles of clothing were shed. I still felt like something was wrong, that I was doing something that I shouldn't. The temporary calmness from the wine was starting to wear off, and reality was sinking in. But I still pushed on. And he was the one to pull away.

"Wait," he said, raising himself slightly. "Are we going too fast?"

"No."

"You're okay with this?"

"Yeah."

I almost regretted saying yes, letting him go ahead, under the impression that I was fine. But I wanted to do it. I really did.

Next thing I knew, he was pulling out a condom.

And I flipped out.

The wine had worn off completely when I saw it, and I felt more sober than I had in a long time. First, I froze. Images of Dean flooded back. I think I screamed, but I'm not sure if it was just in my head. Then, I sat up and wrapped a blanket around me. I could hear him breathing heavily from beside me, but said nothing. With the blanket covering me, and my back to him, I hastily threw on my clothes and stood up. At the door, I stopped, but didn't face him.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. I listened for a reaction, but when I heard none, I started walking towards the door.

"Paige, wait," he said urgently as I turned the doorknob.

"What?"

"Don't go?"

"Why not?"

"Just. . . just talk to me. Tell me what's going on. I can't read your mind."

I ignored what he said. I couldn't talk to him. Score one more for Dean. The part of my life that I had finally put behind me was coming back to haunt me. I swallowed everything I wanted to say, and without emotion, I told him that I would call him, never looking at him for fear that I might break down and tell him everything. Silently, I left, closing the door softly behind me. Once outside, I leaned against the door for support and choked back my tears.

"It's because I'm damaged," I whispered, my voice barely audible.

I slowly walked towards the elevator, feeling deflated and numb. I got down to the lobby, and just as I reached for the door handle, I caught my reflection in the glass.

My hair was a mess, and my cheeks were flushed. But that wasn't what I really saw. For the first time, I realized, that I wasn't that same little girl. I wasn't that naive fourteen year old I used to be. I had grown up, gotten past it. And after everything that I had accomplished, I wasn't about to let Dean come back and ruin everything again.

I let go or the door, and turned around back to the elevator. I had no idea what I was going to say, or what I was going to do. I didn't know how he would react, or what he would think of me after I had finished thinking. But, this was something I had to do. Not for him, but for me.

I reached his door, and I had managed to have an idea of what I was going to do. I knocked softly. I didn't hear footsteps coming from inside. I was going to turn around, thinking it was a bad idea to begin with, when he opened the door. We stared at each other. The words that I had prepared were useless. I couldn't remember anything.

"Can I talk to you?" I finally managed to ask. Nicholas opened his mouth once or twice to say something, but nothing came out. He just stepped aside and I came in, shutting the door behind me.

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I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes

Don't always say, what's on my mind

You know that I've been hurt, by some guy

But I don't wanna mess up this time

And I really really really care

And I really really really want you

And I think I'm kinda scared

Cos I don't want to lose you

If you really really really care

Then maybe you can hang through

I hope you understand

It's nothing to you

My heart's at a low

I'm so much to manage

I think you should know that

I've been damaged

I'm falling in love

There's one disadvantage

I think you should know that I've been damaged

I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find

Or I might just set you up, to see if you're all mine

I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through

Don't know what you got yourself into

And I really really really care (And I care about you so much)

And I really really really want you (I really do want you)

And I think I'm kinda scared (But I'm scared with every touch)

Cos I don't want to lose you (Cos I don't want to lose you)

If you really really really care (If you care for me like you say)

Then maybe you can hang through (Then maybe you can hang through)

I hope you understand (I hope you understand)

It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you, you)

My heart's at a low (low)

I'm so much to manage

I think you should know that (I think you should know)

I've been damaged

I'm falling in love (I'm falling in love)

There's one disadvantage

I think you should know that I've been damaged (I think you should know that)

My heart's at a low

I'm so much to manage (I'm so much to manage)

I think you should know that (I think you should know that)

I've been damaged (I've been damaged)

I'm falling in love (I love you so)

There's one disadvantage (I love you so)

I think you should know that I've been damaged

And I really really really want you

And I think I'm kinda scared

Cos I don't want to lose you

If you really really really care

Then maybe you can hang through

I hope you understand

It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you)

My heart's at a low

I'm so much to manage

I think you should know that (Ooh I think you should know I've been damaged)

I've been damaged (I've been damaged baby)

I'm falling in love (Falling in love with you baby, yeah)

There's one disadvantage

I think you should know that I've been damaged

My heart's at a low

I'm so much to manage

I think you should know that

I've been damaged

I'm falling in love

There's one disadvantage

I think you should know that I've been damaged