I'm ba-ack. Hopefully, this time for good. I've had a really rough couple of months, but hopefully I'm now getting back into the swing of things. If you're still reading, thank you! You can't imagine how happy the reviews have made me! And I know that this isn't the best quality writing you've seen from me, but I'm still rusty, and it's a start. Thanks again to anyone who's still with me. You guys are amazing!

I jiggled my leg nervous as I watched Nicholas make his way around his tiny kitchenette. He had offered me coffee, and I accepted, but we both knew that it was just a way for us to collect our thoughts. My stomach turned. I didn't feel ready to tell him. But then again, I wasn't ready to loose him either.

I had thought about what I would say to him a lot. One day we would be watching a movie and I could just blurt it out. Or I would have him meet me at the coffee shop he first brought me to and tell him. The words I said each time changed. And in my daydreams, whenever I told him, I could never predict his reaction. Mostly out of fear- fear for how he would react, how he would think of me, how he would treat me. And I was so damn sick of being scared all the time.

The "living room" only had room for a couch and a recliner. I was tempted to sit at the beaten recliner, but it was covered in an assortment of CD's, clothes (Clean. . . I hoped at least) a couple of empty pop cans and what looked like a pizza box. When he came over with the coffee, he looked over the mess as well, then sat down at the other end of the sofa and handed me my drink. Although there wasn't much more than a foot and a half separating us, the distance felt huge. We both concentrated on our drinks. Finally he loudly put down his cup.

"What the hell just happened here?"

When I heard him speak, he sounded angry, but when I looked up at him, he looked hurt more than anything.

"It wasn't anything you said or did." I told him quickly. "It was me. And it's not that I don't like you, or that I'm not attracted to you. I am. A lot. And I wanted to, but-"

Nicholas brought himself closer to me, and put a finger to my lips. "Paige. It's okay. I get it." He took his head away, and I looked down. "It's your first time. I understand that you're nervous."

I shook my head, still not looking at him. Then, before I knew what I was doing I blurted out, "I lied to you." My head shot up. I couldn't believe what I had just said.

Nicholas didn't look me in the eye. "About what?" he asked slowly, evenly.

"You asked me the other night. . . I said that I hadn't had sex. . . I mean, I didn't totally lie. . . I don't think. . . but. . ." I looked up at him. "I don't know how to say this. I mean, it's not what you think. . . I've never really told anyone before."

Nicholas said nothing, but I felt him slide his hand to mine, and attempted to lace his fingers through. I shook my head and pulled away.

"When I was younger, I was too smart for my own good. So When I started high school, I decided that it was time that I started dating older guys. I was a cheerleader, and one day after a game, I started talking to the captain of the other team started talking to me. He was way older than me, but I was into it. I liked the attention. He invited me to a party. So the next night, my friend and I went.

"I was flirting, I was dressed like a slut. . . long story short, I asked him to come upstairs with me. And he did." My voice was starting to shake. I still couldn't look at him. "I, um. . . when he started kissing me, something inside me snapped. I didn't feel right. But I so badly wanted the attention and. . . I guess I let him." I couldn't bring myself to say anything more, and I looked up at him. He swallowed hard. "Paige," he slowly asked, "did he. . ?"

"I'm sorry," I whispered. I turned to face forward, and put my head in my hands, my elbows resting on my legs. I was so afraid of what would happen next. When he didn't say anything, I started to get up, but didn't think I could do it without losing it. Suddenly, I felt his hand slide across my back, to wrap around me. He pulled me in close to him, and I felt myself melt. I lowered my hands, and I buried my head into his shoulder. I didn't know what to do- did I speak or cry or do something?

"I'm sorry I lied to you," I whispered.

"It's okay," he said softly. I still couldn't make out his tone. Angry? Upset? Surprised? I wiggled out of his hold, and turned to face him.

"I know I should have told you before but. . . I haven't been in this situation before, and I didn't know how I'd react. I just flashed back."

"You don't need to explain," he said softly. "And you don't need to keep apologizing. I hate this guy. . . whoever he is, more than you can ever imagine. I hate what he's done to you. But he's taken enough from you already. I'm not going to let him take you away from me. And I'm not going to let him interfere with us."

I leaned over and kissed him, but he pulled away. "Wait. There's one more thing."

My heart sank. "What?"

"I want you to know that I will never push you to do anything you don't want. And I will wait for you, as long as it takes. You need to understand that I'm not just in this for the sex, and I'm not going to bail on you because something comes in between us. We've already been through too much to let that happen. I know that one day you will feel ready. And when that time comes, I'll be here waiting. But, until then, I'm not going anywhere."

I was completely speechless. I didn't have a clue of what to say. I just wrapped my arms around him.

"Thank you." I whispered.

"What are you doing next weekend?" he asked.

I pulled back. "Nothing that I know of. Why?"

"It's my sister's 24th birthday, and I'm going home to celebrate with my family. Why don't you come?"

Meet his family? Was he serious? He'd barely talked about them, except for mentioning his sister who died once or twice. "Where?"

"London Ontario. Skip on Friday, and we'll head up. We've got a ton of room."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Besides, I think it'll be good for you to get away for a couple of days. What do you think?"

"Okay. Why not?"

He smiled, and I yawned. It was getting late. I didn't have the energy to drive home. I didn't need to explain this to him. I just stretched out, putting my legs across his lap. He smiled, then stretched himself out, putting his arm around my waist, both of us on our sides.

"Just five minutes," I told him sleepily. "Then I'll leave."

He laughed. "If you say so."

"No. Really. Just five minutes."

I felt myself slowly drifting into the warm fog of sleep. And just before I was completely taken over, I could swear that I almost heard him whisper "I love you".

Don't

You don't have to save my life

No

You're not ready I can feel it

Outside it's raining but I'll just go home

Someday your heart will just let him go

As soon as you get that feeling

You can start to live again

As soon as the worst is over

You can make it all makes sense

Right now I can't give you what you need

As soon as you get that feeling

Run to me

Hush

You don't have to say a word

Trust

I'm not gonna hate you for it

Feels like my touch only brings back the pain

Someday those memories will fade away

As soon as you get that feeling

You can start to live again

As soon as the worst is over

You can make it all makes sense

Right now I can't give you what you need

As soon as you get that feeling

Run to me

How can I be brave enough to say goodbye?

I die inside without you

Don't you see it's hard enough to walk away?

Don't look at me,

You make me wrong

Been through this to make me strong

As soon as you get that feeling

You can start to live again

As soon as the worst is over

You can make it all makes sense

Right now I can't give you what you needAs soon as you get that feeling

Run to me

As soon as you get that feeling

Run to me

The song is "Run to Me" by Clay Aiken off his CD "Measure of a Man".