Angel returned to Wolfram and Hart and was relieved to find that they had all gone. He thought that he remembered something about them going to a club or bar, but he couldn't be sure. He wanted to talk to someone but he wasn't sure how to tell them what he knew. How do you tell them that the figure they are hunting is an old lover that wants you back? How do you admit that you are feeling so lost that you want to go back?
Angel couldn't help but feel a deep hatred for Spike. Over the past month he had lowered all of the defences that he had put in place over a hundred years and let Spike in. The walls that let him deal with everything had been smashed and broken and were lying in pieces around his feet. He was broken and was still breaking. This place, the dreams, the visions, Spike and Buffy together, Gabriel… it was all too much. It was destroying him and all he wanted was for a strong pair of arms to wrap around him and tell him that he was safe. Thing was that he wasn't sure whose arms he wanted. He hadn't noticed that he had sunk to the floor was had wrapped his arms around his knees, rocking himself as he cried, gazing blindly out on to the LA night.
Wesley did though. He had brought a file for Angel to review and had planned to leave it on Angel's desk before he left for the evening. That plan left him as soon as he saw the state of his friend. Wes knew that he would kill for his friends but he had never wanted to as much as he did then. Angel, the man that he saw as their Atlas, was broken; the world had collapsed on him. He moved towards the crumpled figure.
"Angel."
There was no response. No reaction at all.
"Angel?" He reached his hand out and was shocked when the vampire just melted into him, seeking out all the comfort that a human body could give. Wes, not knowing what else to do, merely held on to him and let Angel cry.
After about half an hour, Angel's sobs subsided but he made no effort to move from Wes' arms. He felt safe again.
"We need to talk Angel; you need to tell me what's going on."
Wes didn't loosen his arms. He kept his voice soothing and a hand ran through Angel's hair. He didn't care how this looked, his friend needed comfort and he was willing to give it. He had never noticed until this point that Angel received very little physical comfort. He didn't get the casual touches that they all gave one another. He wasn't included in Gunn's complex handshakes or Fred's spontaneous hugs. When was the last time that any of them had touched him willingly and not out of necessity? When had they made Angel into a figure that was totally sexless and made of stone and not flesh and blood? He felt his guilt roll around in his gut and anxiously awaited Angel's response.
"Not here." Angel disentangled himself from Wesley and pulled himself to his feet. "Give me ten minutes."
He disappeared up to the penthouse. True to his word, he returned in ten minutes, showered, and changed into a pair of baggy jeans and a black wool jumper. These were comfort clothes. He held a book in his hands. He motioned for Wesley to follow him down to the motor pool.
Wes was shocked when they pulled up next to the Hyperion, more so when he felt the many protective wards that had been cast over the place. He raised an enquiring eyebrow. Angel merely shrugged and responded, "Thought we might need a bolt hole one day. Nothing can get in here without our invitation. Wolfram and Hart have nothing to do with it so we're safe here."
Angel began to move through the quiet lobby, turning on a few lights. He went into what had once been Wes' office and sought out an old bottle of whisky he had hidden there. There were no glasses.
He took a swift swig and handed the bottle to Wesley. "Guess you wouldn't believe me if I told you that I was all better now." Wes didn't bother to shake his head – he just raised an eyebrow. Angel took another gulp of the amber fluid. "Thought not."
"What's happened Angel? Is this about Spike?" Wesley was going to kill the peroxide cockroach if the answer was yes.
"Yes, no, all of the above. Oh god Wes, I don't know what to do anymore."
Tears appeared again but Angel refused to let them fall. He was tired of crying, tired of feeling weak, he had to build up those walls again. The only way to do that was to talk to someone. Wes was the only one he trusted.
"Angel, just tell me what is wrong and then we'll know how to fix it."
"Don't think that we can Wes, think that it's too late this time. Just listen and don't interrupt ok?" He waited for Wes to nod and took another deep drink. This was uncomfortably like the night he had confessed all to Spike.
"When I told you all about my dreams, I left out something. I left out Spike, well William. One night he found me after the Master had had me and he decided that he wanted me too. I don't know why, but I just let him. He couldn't have forced me to do anything, he wasn't strong enough. I guess that I just wanted to feel something besides the pain. I wanted someone to make it all about me. William had always been so gentle. He treated Dru like she was a China doll and I think that I hoped that he could do the same for me. Give me the pleasure that was missing in my life. But he couldn't. He was too consumed by the blood lust.
He did though a hundred years later. It was how our relationship began. He loved me. I told him what had happened and he loved me. He made it all about me. He promised to look after me and I believed him. I trusted him to claim me and look after me. We agreed at work that it would be as it always was, but once we were in the penthouse it was us and he was in charge. I loved it. I could let go, I was so tired of being the strong one. Of making decisions that could get my friends killed. Of dealing with the scum that we called clients. Of losing the people I love. He let me break and then helped me to build up again.
It was so good, Wes. I had never felt so loved or safe ever. I knew that I could do this thing with Wolfram and Hart, as long as I had him. But they came here for him. And he has gone to them so willingly that he couldn't have ever loved me. He told me that we were never going to be a secret that he couldn't be a secret again. But I am his secret now, and he's never going to tell. He went back to her and he just forgot about me. And it hurts so much. I haven't felt this level of betrayal before, it's like I was nothing to him.
The night they arrived he didn't come home. He hasn't been home since they arrived and my nightmares are back. He had kept them away and now there back. I haven't slept since then, funny really, there was a time that Spike was driving me insane and now I'm been driven insane without him."
Angel gave a harsh, forced bark of laughter and stared at the bottle in his hand. Wes wanted to say something or stake Spike but he didn't want Angel to clam up. Angel hardly ever shared his feelings and the fact that he was sharing so much meant that he was in a lot of pain. Wes couldn't help the small bubble of pride that he felt when he realised that Angel trusted him enough to open up. He, unlike Spike, had no intention of betraying that trust. His heart broke for his friend but he kept quiet and waited for Angel to continue on his own.
"It wouldn't have been so bad you know, I could have handled the dreams before but now… it's like Spike has stripped me of the armour that I am so used to wearing and I have nothing to protect me from the world anymore. I got so used to him helping me put it all back together that I can't do it on my own. And you know the saying that bad things come in threes? Well it's true.
The other night, when you found me on the penthouse floor covered in blood? Well I lied, I hadn't run into a demon, I had gone hunting for it."
He raised sad chocolate eyes to Wesley's face and Wes felt the pieces of his heart shatter at the despair he saw in them. He was beginning to think that he might not be able to put Angel back together after all. Angel's voice was now little more than a husky whisper, as if he feared saying it out loud.
"I'm having visions Wes. Cordy gave me the visions. Oh god it hurts. She never said how much it hurt. The girl I had to save, I felt what would happen to her if I didn't manage to save her. Being gutted by a letzug is nothing compared to the migraine that comes with a vision. She was so scared and in so much pain and my head felt like it was going to explode."
"Good Lord! Angel you should have told us that earlier! Are you ok? Of course not… I'm sorry; I just wasn't expecting this…"
Wesley was in a spin. Angel had just turned his world upside down. In a way he was pleased that Angel was having visions as it meant that the Power's hadn't abandoned them. But at the same time he knew that Angel didn't need this, not now. He remembered what Cordelia had said about her out of body experience; that they had driven Angel mad and he feared that this would be the very real outcome, especially with the way that Angel's life was going at the moment.
"They scare me Wes. I don't know what to do. How did she cope with them?"
"I think she coped with them because she was Cordelia. She wouldn't let anything beat her, especially not when someone she loved was at stake. Remember Angel, visions can only be passed on through love. Cordelia loved you very much, and this is the proof."
He hoped that these words would comfort Angel but they only caused a slew of tears to be unleashed. He guessed that Angel had never needed proof of Cordelia's love. He would have rather had her any day than proof of her love. Wes watched as his friend grieved for Cordy and wiped his own tears away. She had been gone over a month, in a coma for nine months and yet she still hadn't left them. Gradually Angel pulled himself back together and smiled at Wes, acknowledging that they both missed the girl that they had been so proud of.
"I think that there is something wrong with my visions. You know that Cordy had reruns – her hangovers? Well I have something like that, but it's different. Its flashes of things that will happen, like déjà vu but it is more specific. I know what people will say or do or if a glass will be knocked over… they're like mini-visions without the pain. Only the urgent ones have pain."
He waited for Wes to respond, watching as the Watcher mulled things over. His intelligent blue eyes still shone with tears but they were now focused on a task. Angel already felt better. He had missed being able to talk to Wes like this, it had been too long and there had been too much bad blood between them. Now not even that was stopping him talking to the Englishman. Sometimes he felt as though Wes was his only friend. He was always there to steer Angel right. He was what kept Angel on the path.
"Maybe, your visions are the real thing. You see the future really, like a true Seer. Perhaps that's what drove the other you mad? You weren't able to ignore the visions. I'll check my books and find a way to contact the Powers, a conduit of some kind. Other than that, I can't think of any reason for you to fear your visions. Unless something malevolent comes to light I think that we should follow them as we did with Cordelia. I will look into them though I promise."
Angel gave Wes a relieved smile and took another swig of his whisky. He had to tell him about Gabriel and trust him to advise him correctly. Wes knew what it was to think with his heart and think with his head. Angel just didn't know how to begin. For a while he just sat and watched the early morning sunlight creep into the garden and Wes let him knowing that there was more to be said.
"I think that I am going to betray you all."
That wasn't what Wes had wanted or expected to hear. He frowned and focused on Angel's face. He was pale and drawn and he looked frightened. Wes hadn't ever seen the expression on Angel's face before, but he guessed that was what it was.
"All the Slayers that have died… it was my fault. Gabe was looking for me. I should have figured it out when I heard the name. I knew that something felt familiar about the entire thing but I couldn't tell what. It wasn't until Giles confirmed the locations of the killings that it all clicked. Gabe is my Gabriel."
"He's your Childe?"
They had coped with Angel's psychotic family before, they would manage again. He wasn't too worried. Angel knowing the vampire meant that they now had an advantage.
"No. Wes, he was my lover."
He saw the blue eyes open in shock and the mask of neutrality settle on Wes' face but he knew that there was a mix of fear, curiosity and worry under that mask. He couldn't look Wes in the eye any more and moved away from the sofa they were on. He went out into the garden to sit under the covering. Wes followed him a little while later, a new bottle of Bushmill's in one hand, the book in the other. Angel relieved Wes of the book and flipped through the pages until he found what he was looking for. He turned the book to Wes.
On the page was a sketch of an attractive man. He seemed to have an almost hypnotic quality. The sketch had obviously been drawn a long time ago and with a lot of affection. Angel turned the book back and traced his fingers over the ink lines.
"I had only been a vampire for seven years when I met him. I wasn't yet a real monster, I had slaughtered my village, but I wasn't the depraved creature that I became. I was in Paris, away from Darla for the first time and having the time of my life. I was free. I hated the Order, it was just more rules, but it was worse than that. They owned me and I had promised myself that no one was ever going to own me again. So I decided that I would not return to Darla. I decided that I would remain in Paris and then move to where I wanted. That I'd see the world, see and learn about everything that I could – I'd never had the chance to before. My father thought that my interest in art and history, limited as they were, were unbecoming his son. But now I was free of him and of the Order.
I loved Paris, it was alive. I spent my first week wandering around and just basking in my new freedom. Then one night I was attacked by a group of minions. I was stronger than they were but there were too many for me to handle. One of them knocked me out and when I came to I was with Gabriel. He'd been following me all that time and took the vampires out for daring to touch what he saw as his. I was scared of him at first, I could feel his power, but he was so kind to me Wes. For the first time someone was actually kind to me. He was from Paris and he showed me around, told me things that I wouldn't have known before. He took me to the Notre Dame, the Sacre Coeur, and the palace at Versailles – all the time telling me their history.
When my month was up I told him that I didn't want to go back to Darla and he offered to take me to the Loire, show me the crumbling châteaux and where Da Vinci had worked and I was so eager to be away from the Order of Aurelius that I didn't think twice. I would have followed him to the ends of the earth."
Angel paused and glanced at Wes. The morning sun was still creeping into the garden but even though it hadn't yet got anywhere near the covered area, Wes still seemed to glow in the morning light. He had a confused look in his eyes, one that Angel could easily read and answer.
"Don't believe everything that you were taught as a Watcher Wes, remember that the world is never black and white. Do you honestly think that there is nothing left of the human host once the vampire moves in?"
"Well, of course there are lingering memories but the soul, the part that is human has gone Angel. A fact that you are only too aware of."
"In a way you're right and in a way you're very wrong. A little part of the soul does remain Wes, it's what allows vampires to remember being human, to form the familial attachments that they do. Darla once told me that the same love would infect my heart even though it no longer beat and she was right. When I met Gabriel there was still a small part of Liam left in me. That part loved Gabriel intensely. I was truly in love for the first time in my life. I was with him a year and he took me everywhere that I wanted to go."
"The places the Slayers have died in." Wes was beginning to get the frightening feeling that the deaths of Slayers wasn't the end or the beginning of what was going on here. Angel was the reason and Gabriel was obviously here for Angel.
"Yeah. The first night that I sat down with the file I thought that there was something familiar but I couldn't work out what. I don't know what triggered it at the meeting but I realised that they were the places that we had visited and the order that we went there. He was sending me a message."
"About what Angel? Surely he knows about your soul."
"He knows everything about me Wes. He made me. Angelus was created out of the grief of losing Gabriel. I woke up one evening and he was gone. I waited a month and he didn't come back. I had practically starved myself refusing to leave the house in case he came back so when Luke, the Master's other Childe found me I was too weak to fight back. I never got another chance to leave the Order after that until my soul.
That was main reason that the Master took me the first time. He could smell Gabriel all over me and said that I needed to know who I belonged to. I became a monster because I couldn't control anything else in my life. Liam died when I lost Gabriel and I needed the monster to survive what was to come."
Angel couldn't carry on. It hurt to think of that time in his life. At the time it had seemed bad but he had had no soul. Now it felt black and sticky. It felt like it was clawing and oozing all over him. Silent tears tracked down his face but somehow he felt peaceful. Unloading this huge part of his past on to Wes, who had merely listened and not judged (yet) made him feel lighter. He felt a small part of his soul heal. His darkest days didn't seem that dark now that he was sharing them with another person in the warm morning light.
Wes didn't know what to say. He knew that Angelus had been a monster without compare but he would never have guessed that heartache and fear had been the causes. Everyday he learnt that he knew very little of the creatures that he was supposed to be an expert of. He really shouldn't have been surprised that vampires could love; they were the closest of all demons to humans. At times it was almost like they were the next stage in human evolution or the missing link between humans and animals. The demon thing barely came into it. He guessed, and rightly so, that demon emotions were more heightened than a humans, that love was obsessive and all encompassing and hardly recognisable as human love. The thought of that worried him though. Obsessions didn't go away. They festered. Vampires were eternal so wasn't it feasible that their loves did. He remembered James, the invincible vampire that had his heart cut out over Elizabeth and the way that Darla had been about Angel. What would Gabriel be like now that he had been separated from his love for two and a half centuries?
"Angel? Why… What does Gabriel want?"
"He wants me Wes."
He got the answer that he dreaded hearing. The thing that stopped his heart though was the wistful tone that he heard in Angel's voice. The sense of longing that made him fear that Gabriel wouldn't have to work to hard to achieve his aim. Angel had been broken under the pressure of circumstance and duty and Gabriel was a way out. Just as he had been so long ago.
"He wants me just like he wanted me all those years ago. There are things that I have to tell you about Gabriel, things that are more serious than him being old and my ex."
Angel paused. He felt as though he was betraying Gabriel but he had to tell Wes. He couldn't afford to lose his friends over this and the only way was to tell Wes the truth. No matter what he decided then, at least he wouldn't have lied.
"We weren't just lovers. He was going to make me his Childe. After about eight months he told me what he had decided he wanted to do the first time that he saw me. So we began to make our way back from Moscow. We were heading to Romania, the seat of his Order and his Sire's home. As I was the Childe of another Order he needed to involve his elders. There's a lot of politics between vampire Orders – they even have their own Council."
Wes couldn't help the disbelieving snort that escaped him. He just couldn't imagine vampires sitting around and discussing current events. Angel smiled the first real smile that Wes had seen from him in a long while.
"Hadn't you ever wondered why there were never any real vampire wars? Why humans are totally unaware of us despite the numbers? The Council keep the peace and all have to answer to it. Gabriel's Sire was a member of the Council which would have made everything easier but the Master got to him first and told him that Gabriel had taken me from my Sire. No one asked me. As far as the Council were concerned Gabriel was at fault and I had no say. Had we gotten to Gabriel's order earlier I wouldn't have had to go back to the Master and Darla."
Wes was fascinated. He had never known that there were so many levels to vampire society. He suddenly saw them as both very human and perhaps more so. They didn't have wars and yet were demons with no souls. The obvious contradiction made very little sense to Wes. Something though really didn't make sense. He may know little of this real vampire society but he knew that the Order of Aurelius was powerful. Even now with the Master dead.
"Angel? The Order of Aurelius is one of the most powerful demonic groups in existence. How could Gabriel's Sire stop them taking you back? From what I know, if the Master wanted something he inevitably got it. Darla wanted you back and you have said before that you were her favourite and she was the Master's. How could they have stood in the way of that?"
"They were the Order of Dagon."
Wes dropped the bottle of whisky in surprise. He had never expected Angel to come out with that. Now he knew why Angel was so nervous about talking to them. About them trying to face Gabriel. If the stories that he had heard about the Order of Dagon were true then the Slayers were in a lot of danger and all that stood in the way of that was a very distressed Angel. The one individual that they wanted nothing to do with.
"Angel, the Order of Dagon is a myth. It has to be. The very first vampires? Please tell me that this is a joke!"
"No joke. Sorry."
"But… Good Lord! Angel do you realise how serious this is? From what I have heard you are the only thing standing in the way of the destruction of all the Slayers because I doubt that he is just going to walk away from this! He still wants you as his Childe doesn't he? He knows Spike has claimed you and…" The truth hit Wes like a speeding freight train. "He's here to take back his property! He knew that the best way to get your attention would be to attack the Slayer line but he couldn't attack Buffy or the Scoobies because that would hurt you and defeat his purpose! We've walked right into his trap."
Angel didn't need to answer. His deep brown eyes told Wes that he was exactly right, that Gabriel's good will was the only thing stopping him raining down hell on them all. His love for Angel was what was keeping them safe, although he doubted that Spike would be safe if Gabriel knew how hurt Angel was. There was only one thing that Wes needed to know before he decided what to do. It was quite clear to him that not only was Angel incapable of making this decision himself but that he didn't want to. He wanted Wes to make it for him. He couldn't kill Gabriel, just as he couldn't kill Cordelia.
"Have you spoken to him?"
Angel nodded. Wes felt like the reprimanding father but he needed all the information that he could get.
"He wants you back?"
Another nod. Angel wouldn't meet his eyes anymore. The brave soul that had poured his heart out to Wes over the past few hours had vanished and left a shy and very sad boy in his place.
"Does his Order agree with his wishes?"
A shrug. At least it was the truth.
"Do you want to go with him Angel?"
The absence of an answer, verbal or physical, told Wes more than any real response would have. Angel wanted to go. Angel was so hurt by life that he actually wanted to leave it all behind and go with Gabriel. He wanted the life that he could have had and Wes couldn't find it within himself to begrudge him that. Angel needed someone to love him. Wes had hoped that Spike was the one for that job, but despite his promises he wasn't there for Angel now that he was needed. Angel was obviously hurting and Angel said that Spike had claimed him, yet Spike was unaware of all of this. He was caught up in his own life. Gabriel seemed to want to offer Angel more than that. Angel deserved more than that.
"Ok. Angel, I don't know what to do right now. I suggest that we both get some sleep; we'll stay here, and look at it all later. If we decide to we'll tell the others but I won't say anything without your permission. I promise."
Angel nodded mutely and gathered his sketchbook. Wes watched as he headed back inside. His shoulders were hunched and there were tear tracks on his face. His steps were slow and heavy and he never lifted his gaze from the picture on the paper. Wes' heart broke. If they had to force Angel to kill Gabriel, they would lose him. Watching Angel trudge up to bed he made his decision. He waited until Angel was asleep and then took a tranquiliser dart from the secret drawer in his/Angel's desk. He was glad that he hadn't cleared out his entire secret stash. He didn't need to creep into Angel's room; Angel was so deep in sleep that only the rumblings of an apocalypse would have woken him.
