PART ONE: CAN'T FIND MY WAY
I wished that I could bring you back
I wished that I could turn
back time
'Cause I can't let go
I just can't find my
way, yeah
Without you I just can't find my way
-From "Perfect World" by Simple Plan
"Are you going to write down everything I say?"
Tony sat on a squishy chair across from a framed diploma: COL. MADISON. PSYCHOLOGY. The chair was very comfortable, but his back was stiff and straight, and his arms were crossed hostilely over his chest.
Colonel Madison chose to ignore his comment.
"Tell me about the dream, Special Agent DiNozzo."
"I'm at NCIS doing paperwork at my desk, and she appears in front of me-"
"Special Agent Todd does?"
"Yes. She stands in front of my desk, and she's talking and talking, but I can't hear her. Her lips are moving but there's just this dull ringing sound in my ears. Then Ari shows up."
"And what does he do? The terrorist."
Tony gritted his teeth. The psychiatrist had an annoying habit of using formal, universal names for people and things. Special Agent Todd, not Kate. The terrorist, not Ari Haswari. The "situation" or the "incident." It was all a lot of waltzing around the problem instead of confronting it.
"He shoots her."
"He shoots Special Agent Todd."
"Kate. He shoots Kate."
"And then?"
"I wake up," Tony lied. He did not want to be in post-traumatic stress counseling, but there wasn't a whole lot he could do about it.
"Are you having any problems with the dog?"
Making quick, sudden changes of subject with no apparent segue seemed to be the psychologist's favorite trick in the bag. Not to mention, here she was going again with the dog.
"With Sasha?" he asked pointedly. "No. Why would I have problems with her?"
"Several reasons."
"Care to share?" Tony asked, annoyed.
"Well, the dog did belong to Special Agent Todd. And if I remember correctly, you changed its name. That could be an attempt to move away from memories the dog's name brought with it. In just one example, of course."
"I didn't change her name because she was Kate's dog. I changed it because she had the same name as me," he said.
An eyebrow went up, and the colonel made a few notes on her clipboard.
"Listen, I'm fine with the dog. I don't even know why were talking about her. I take very good care of her."
"Would you elaborate, Special Agent DiNozzo?"
Tony sighed.
"I feed her, give her water, play with her, take her on walks, don't let her near the Great Dane who lives on the corner, keep her away from the road..."
"It sounds like you're very protective."
"I try," Tony said acidly.
"Would you say you're overprotective?"
"I don't know."
"Are you overly attached?"
"I don't know."
"Do you think your attachment and protectiveness towards the dog stem from feelings of guilt?"
Tony stared at her.
"You're saying that I feel like I have to protect the dog because I couldn't protect Kate?"
"I'm not saying anything, Mr. DiNozzo. I'm asking what you think."
Tony was silent for a moment.
"I think," he said in a calm, controlled voice, "that I am going to get the hell out of here."
He left the room, closing the door on his way out. He caught one last glimpse of Colonel Madison, scribbling furiously away on her clipboard.
After the scene had been cleared and documented by another team, Kate's body had been taken to a different medical examiner, because Ducky refused to autopsy her. They had removed the bullet, and it now sat in a plastic baggie in Tony's hand. Ari was dead, the terrorist cell was flushed out, and Kate was gone. They hadn't needed the evidence anymore.
He opened the baggie and carefully took out the bullet, rolling it between his fingers. Gently, gently he set it on his bedside table. He made a mark on the piece of paper next to it. There were three tallies now. Three days since it happened.
Tony laid down on the bed, and stared at his ceiling. He heard the now familiar plunk as his little white terrier pounced onto the bed, and felt the now familiar sensation of little feet walking over him. Sasha curled into a tight ball next to his pillow, and let out a whimper.
"You said it, girl," he told her, settling back into the bed. "You said it."
PART TWO: CAN'T LET YOU GO
I don't know what I should do now
I don't know where I
should go
I'm still here waiting for you
I'm lost when
you're not around
I need to hold on to you
I just can't
let you go
-From "Perfect World" by Simple Plan
A knock at the door drew Tony out of his stupor as he sat on his couch, staring blankly at the TV screen where an old rerun of ER was playing. It was one of what he used to call the "bad ones," where there was more about the characters and their relationships than the blood and guts and doctors fixing all the patients' problems. However, it lent Tony a little relief knowing that in watching this particular episode he need not worry about whether or not he'd have to watch them wheel a gunshot patient in on a gurney.
He opened the door, not particularly caring about checking the peephole to see if it was someone who wasn't exactly shortlisted, like one of Ari's buddies.
"Special Agent Cassidy," he said.
"Hey, Tony. Listen, I know this is a bad time, but can I come in? I need to talk to you about something."
Wordlessly Tony allowed her to enter and pointed out a chair for her. Sasha, of course, came bounding up to Paula, barking her head off.
"I didn't know you had a dog. What's her name?" Paula asked pleasantly.
"Sasha," he answered. Paula smiled.
"That's an elegant name for a scruffy terrier. When'd you get her?"
"I just brought her home today. She was Kate's," Tony said quietly. He assumed Paula knew about Kate, because why else would she be here? He also knew Paula would be a little surprised and maybe a little thrown off by the use of Kate's first name, since Tony didn't usually refer to her as Kate when talking to Paula, but he was damn tired of all this "Special Agent Todd" business.
Naturally, Paula sobered immediately.
"How're you holding up?" she asked.
"I'm okay," Tony said vaguely.
"The... death of... Special Agent Todd is sort of what I came to talk to you about."
Tony watched her emotionlessly.
"After I heard about the- the shooting, I got a call from the Director, and he- well, he wants me to transfer to fill in the extra position on your team, at least temporarily," Paula said haltingly.
"And you wanna know if I'm gonna open up my bleeding heart and let you in," Tony said with a trace of bitterness.
Paula pressed her lips together in a concerned frown.
"You don't have to say anything right now. I just want to be here if you need me."
There was silence for a little while until Paula spoke again.
"I heard your PTS counseling session didn't go too well," she said.
"God, who told you?" Tony groaned, combing his fingers roughly through his hair, which stood up in messy spikes that went all directions.
"The Director mentioned it. Are you doing okay?"
Tony looked up, hardly believing what she had just asked.
"Kate's dead," he said. In his mind, that explained it all. That laid all his behavior out in a predictable chart of something called grieving- a process, which, unless Tony was mistaken, was common to most humans, or at least those with a pulse.
"But you two weren't particularly close, were you?" Paula probed.
"Well, we weren't always on the best of terms- okay, we were hardly ever on the same page. But quite frankly, it was because I was a jackass to her. And she still stayed with me when I got the plague. I wasn't exactly in the best of conditions, but Ducky told me that the doctor had to kick her out in the end, and then she stayed overnight at Bethesda. She didn't have to do any of that."
"I'm sorry, Tony."
"I don't know what you want, Paula. Do you want me to break down in front of you? Do you want me to cry in your arms? Just- why are you here, even?"
"Tony, I just wanted-"
"Well, I'm the one whose coworker's blood spattered all over his face when she was shot, and what I want is for you to just go, because I do not want to fucking talk."
"If that's what you want, Tony. But remember I'm here for you."
She made for the door, almost tripping over Sasha, who yowled indignantly.
"Watch the dog, Cassidy. I'm overprotective. Underlying guilt issues, you know," he said loudly.
The door shut behind her, and Tony felt like screaming. He didn't want her empty comfort, or her friendship, or her promise to be there for him. When she'd heard the news, she probably didn't even cry. Not that he blamed her for that. She hadn't known Kate very well. But right now, that was enough to make him not want to talk to her. As if that alone wasn't enough, she wanted his approval of her job offer.
Tony knew that if what had happened in the past few days was enough to break his heart into a couple of thousand little pieces, seeing another woman sitting at Kate's desk would just about kill him.
