Part Five

Pacey slid the key into the lock, giving a knock on the inner wall of the apartment as he opened the door.

"It's me. Anyone home?"

"Hey, Pace."

He looked at Joey standing in the hall. Gone was the easy smile with which she normally greeted him. Instead her eyes were red-rimmed and she was nervously fidgeting with a crumpled Kleenex.

"Look, Jo I'm sorry I couldn't make it last week but we've been having issues with front of house and sourcing our dry goods and..."

He internally told himself to stop babbling. His heart was beating faster and he felt a change in the air between them. The conversation they were about to have was inevitable. He had known that for nearly a month now. It was the real reason he had avoided seeing her last week. He had stayed away as a last ditch effort to delay this moment. He had wanted to hang on to the imagined perfection of his world for a few days longer.

"It's not about that Pace. We need to talk."

He steadily regarded her as she nervously bit her bottom lip, dark hair loose and framing her pale face. God she was beautiful and she was his. No, that wasn't completely true. She had always kept a part of herself from him. Oh, she might deny it but he knew. There was a piece of her heart that was always going to be Dawson's. But he thought he'd been ready to settle for that. It soothed his sometimes fragile sense of self-worth to know that Joey Potter was with him. Josephine Potter, the soulmate and muse of his oldest friend and rival Dawson Leery had instead chosen the black sheep of Capeside, Pacey Witter.

"Yes we do."

There was a long and awkward pause between the two.

"Listen Jo, if it's about what Bessie thinks she saw the other week at the Icehouse I can explain. You see Christy had managed to get this twig from outside caught in her hair and…"

Joey sat down on the edge of the sofa and looked at her hands lying clenched on her lap.
"It's not about that Pacey. Well, it is and it isn't."

Pacey dragged a chair out from the kitchen and sat astride it, facing Joey.

"You're going to have to be a bit clearer Potter."

As Joey lifted her eyes to meet his, Pacey's mind flashed to the day of Jen's funeral; the day that Joey had told him she loved him and wanted to stop running from him. He'd been surprised to say the least. He suspected that Jen's death had made her want to grab life and in that moment when he declared his love for her, he was the closest thing to reality. It had been an emotional time for all of them, to be reunited after long years with minimal contact and to then watch a childhood friend die. Joey had had it harder still. She had broken off a long-term relationship in the midst of it all and of course she had come face to face with Dawson again. He knew she had shared a lot of time with Dawson over that week in Capeside but he hadn't wanted to look insecure by asking her about it. He hadn't wanted to deal with what her answer could mean either.

Joey started to speak slowly, almost measuring the weight of each word.

"Pacey, I thought when I saw you again and you kissed me that I loved you in the way that you truly deserve. I thought I would ache for you when you weren't around. I thought that I'd be constantly trying to get you to move here. I thought I'd be mad at the chip crumbs that are always scattered through the house after you visit but then smile, sweep them up and miss you afresh. I thought I'd be annoyed hearing that you had your arms around another girl. And you know what?"

Pacey's voice was very low.

"What Jo?"

"I don't love you that way. I do love you but I love you too much to keep on loving you not enough. I am so sorry Pace."

The words stung but Pacey was surprised at the instant feeling of relief he felt on hearing them. He reached across and took Joey's hands in his.

"Oh, come on now. Don't go all soft on me Potter. You shouldn't be sorry. It took guts to say what you did. More guts than I have. You see I had a feeling this day was coming."

Pacey took a deep breath and continued.

"I thought I loved you in the kind of way where I would drop everything in Capeside and move to New York to be with you and that once I was here I would love you enough to sweep up those darn chip crumbs. I do love you Jo, but it's obviously not that kind of love either."

He shared Joey's half smile.

"When we were together in high-school your love governed everything about me from my mood to my dreams. My self-esteem was based almost purely on our relationship. When the magic died I felt worthless. I don't think it's like that anymore. Honestly Jo, I'm in a pretty good place in my life right now." Pacey gave a short laugh. "Well, apart from the romantic aspect."

Joey looked at him, her eyes moist.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I am doing what I love. I'm doing it well. The Icehouse is now even able to sponsor the soccer club that Jack coaches. All this in a town that can't get rid of me. In fact Capeside has embraced the no-good Witter kid. I've just found out that the Yacht Club would like me on the organizing committee for the regatta this year."

He felt the warmth of Joey's smile.

"I'm so happy for you Pacey."

"And I'm happy for me Jo. Jen reminded me that happiness was an inside job. I think I'm slowly getting that. I don't have to have you on my arm to feel alive. I don't have to be jealous when I look at where Dawson's career is going. I don't have to compare myself to anyone. Pacey Witter is okay with who he is."

The truth of the words hit him as he said them out loud.

Later on the train ride back to Capeside he was still marvelling at how a day where he had lost Joey Potter turned out to be the day that he found himself. He knew that it had been a moment of self-discovery for her as well. Maybe they had needed to be together for that short time to finally realise that they were always going to be better apart. He was going to miss her, but he had to acknowledge that the loss was more the illusion of what they shared, not the reality. The triangle was no longer.

He had noticed an open card amongst Joey's mail on the entry table and recognising the firm, forward strokes of Dawson's handwriting he couldn't help but read the inscription.

Dear Joey,

I wish I had known earlier about the launch of your book of plays. I would have loved to be there and see you shine. Hope you enjoy the daisies. They reminded me of you; sweet, pure of heart and not at all persnickety. (Tongue firmly in cheek)

Always, Dawson

It looked like Romeo and Juliet were going to get another shot.

Jen watched as Pacey got off the train. He was whistling and a familiar jaunt had returned to his step. She saw too Joey in her New York apartment, carefully cutting away a dead stem from a vase full of daisies, her distinctive crooked smile restored and a new light in her eyes.

"Bravo, you two. Bravo."