Part 8: The Dark Pages

Page 4: Shattered Peace

Summary:

Chakotay wrestles with his loss of inner peace after his experiences on the Vhori Sphere as Janeway struggles with the issues of trust between them (J/C)

Pairing:J/C, JTu Rating: PG-13 Type of Story: Drama Level: 2


Part 8: The Dark Pages

Page 4: Shattered Peace

How many times have I been in this position and I still can't get used to it. I've done this action throughout my whole Command career and still drives me nuts, I can't work effectively through it, I can't think of something else, so I stand and stare at the stars. I am waiting for someone else to tell me that one of my crew is safe. To make me grateful that they have been found. To make me thank the heavens that their lives have been spared…this time.

The Kradin Ambassador is confident that we will find Chakotay. I have to force myself to share his enthusiasm. I have lost too many members of my crew in this quadrant. Sometimes I feel like I have no enthusiasm left, like I'm running on instinct. The instinct of survival for my crew and for myself. I have to show that I believe that we are getting home, I have to act like there is no doubt in my mind. Even on the days when all I want to do is run and hide, the days when I myself have no hope.

She gave a sad smile.

I used to be able to go to Chakotay. Actually I should say that Chakotay would come to me. He used to be able to read me so well, like Tuvok…..until recently. He and Tuvok had been my side, guiding me, advising me helping me throughout the loneliness of my command here in the delta quadrant. Now Tuvok has gone to help find him and I stand here and wait.

Three days ago, I didn't know your name and now I can't imagine one day without you

Our connection had been so strong. One touch communicated so much. Now, it's like were strangers. Not one day without him, I can't imagine one day without him. We could not have made it this far without him. We would have been drained of our neural energy by the Komar, the Marquis would have definitely not integrated themselves this well into our crew, Seska would have sold us out to the Kazon, I would have not found the extra strength I needed to fight that alien who posed as Daddy and……….

We would have been assimilated.

The thought was loud as it ricocheted off her mind. Kathryn gave a loud cry and her hands flew to her mouth. She stumbled to the table in her quarters and sat down nearly missing the chair. Her breathing was ragged and she struggled to control it. Her knees felt week, she felt as if her body was phasing in and out. She took deep breaths trying to regulate the rhythm of her heart. If Kathryn did not know herself well, she would have hailed the Bridge to find out if they were under attack, if something was out of the ordinary.

The thought had come from her. She saw clearly what she couldn't see before. What had happened over the past three weeks suddenly came into focus and she understood.

'My God, what have I done?'

Another thought assailed her.

"Do you always have to be the Captain Kath?"

Mark's voice came to her out of the blue. She hadn't heard it in a long time. How she hated when he had said that because it meant that she wasn't listening to him say what he wanted to do, she was going on without him so caught up in what she wanted, where she wanted to eat, to spend their vacation, she was effectively ignoring him.

Kathryn eyes were dry and in an instant the week knees straightened and she felt her body very much in phase with the things around her. The revelations flashed through her mind as she could see clearly now what was so muddled to her before……her behavior.

I didn't listen to him. I said that I heard and I understood, but the truth is that I didn't even listen to him. He has been at my side through everything. He and Tuvok, and in this instance I didn't even ask for counsel, I unilaterally decided. And I know why I didn't want to tell him anything, because I knew that he couldn't see beyond what the New Co-operative had done to him to work with the Borg, to see that my plan would be the only way to ensure that the crew would be safe. But my plan wasn't fool proof or safe was it? In the end if he hadn't forced me to listen to him, we would have been assimilated. I would have lost everything that I hold dear, my crew, our chance to get home, my individuality. At this time I would be part of the collective, another Locutus.

That's all I could have think about, getting home. I gave lip service to caring about this quadrant, about the effects of species 8472 conquering the Borg. Would not the effect be the same if the Borg had assimilated 8472?

"How much is our safety worth?

We will be giving an advantage to a race guilty of murdering billions. We'd be helping the Borg assimilate yet another species just to get ourselves back home! It's WRONG!"

His part of their conversation a month ago replayed itself many times in her mind. It came to her when she looked up from her status reports after a long day on the Bridge. It came to her in the silence of her quarters where she spent her nights alone. Sometimes it even came to her when she was observing Chakotay silently. She looked at him in anger, clutching at the knowledge that in this case, she was right and he was wrong.

"How much is our safety worth?"

It was worth a whole race to me wasn't it? At least Jean-Luc Picard stopped short of genocide. I was forced to stop. I wouldn't have stopped otherwise and why?

"Tell that to Harry Kim! He's barely alive thanks to that species. Maybe helping to assimilate them isn't such a bad idea. We could be doing the Delta Quadrant a favor."

That was the time that 8472 crossed the line with me wasn't it? They had hurt one of mine and I set myself up as judge jury and executioner of an entire race because that cinched it. They were worse than the Borg.

Kathryn began to pace. At one time she passed the long mirror in her quarters. She stopped stared. For the first time, she didn't recognize the woman who looked back at her. She looked so strange. The expression on her face was hard, her eyes were constricted and her hair was disheveled. She looked like she had just seen a vision on of Hell was determined to fight its coming.

'What have I become?'

'Who am I?'

Her face gave no indication of the racing inner thoughts that she was experiencing. It was perfectly calm.

I am the woman who blew up the caretaker's Array so that the Ocampa race would be safe from the Kazon for another five years. I have put my ship on a collision course with Dreadnought in order to help a civilization fend off its effects, and now two years later I was willing to commit genocide, to get what I want.'

"I don't think that you really believe that. I think that you're struggling to justify your plan because your desire to get the crew home is blinding you to other options. I know you Kathryn! Sometimes...you don't know when to step back."

God, how well does he know me! I couldn't see beyond what I wanted. And I didn't want to step back and consider anything else. Especially his suggestion that we turn around, I don't back down; I was going to get this crew home, by any means necessary or die trying. He was so right and somehow, instinctively I knew it. I lashed out.

I reached out and I hurt

"Do you trust me Chakotay?"

The question that was haunting me was, do I trust myself?'

The reflection's face fell and on it Kathryn saw an expression of fear. It explained everything. She saw the look of fear being replaced by a look of stoicism. Kathryn was holding herself rigid.

I need to be able to do this. To cover my fear, to act as I need to, to make the decisions that I have to make quickly, but this wasn't using fear, this was giving in to it. And Chakotay had taken the brunt of it.

If anything happens to Chakotay.

It stopped. Her legs could not support her anymore and she sank onto her couch. She felt drained as if something had poured out of her, she was lighter. Somehow she knew that it was good, what had happened to her. She had no idea what it was, but it was OK, but just to make sure...

"Paris to Janeway"

"Janeway here."

"Captain, Tuvok has just contacted us from the surface. They've found Chakotay. He's OK"

Kathryn just sat. She felt something stirring in her; she recognized it as hope.

"Captain?"

Swiftly she got to her feet and straightened her hair as she left her quarters. "I'm on my way." What truly amazed Kathryn was that she shed no tears during the entire episode. It still felt like an alternate reality experience, but it may have been something else. She was on her way to the Bridge. She would check on it.

All around them, undetected by any sensors that they had, there were ripples in the level of reality beyond the subatomic. The being that was Kes gave a sigh of relief. Somehow she knew it was going to be OK.