"Chakotay!"

"I wish that it was as easy to stop hating as it was to start."

With that Chakotay left Kathryn standing in the corridor with a shocked and concerned look in her eye. She realized that she was correct when she had made her official log for the day. It was going to take some time to heal his psychological wounds. She wished that she could have gone after him then and there, but she had to deal with the bewildered Kradin Ambassador and an equally bewildered Neelix. She did.


The next day she gave Chakotay the day off and after ensuring that the ship was in top shape leaving the Kradin and Vhori system, she left Tuvok in charge on the Bridge and headed to Chakotay's Quarters

She rang the chime.

"Come in."

When she did, she saw Chakotay's silhouette by the viewport in his front room. His quarters were dark except for one candle that was burning. It cast and eerie glow about the room and she knew that he had intended it for that purpose. Kathryn took a deep breath and joined him at the view port. He did not turn, did not respond or acknowledge her presence in any way.

She felt silly. Why did she think that he was going to talk to her? After all the things that had happened between them, she would be the last person that he would want to talk to. It had been instinctive. He was in pain and she went to him. In the past she would have held back, waited until it was safe, but because of the insights that she had when he was lost on the Kradin sphere, she was afraid to wait. She was afraid that something would happen again, that she would not be able to say the things that she needed to say, that she would lose him. Looking at him now, she realized that their argument must be one of the last things on his mind.

"Chakotay, I know that things have been strained between us, but if there is anything that I can do."

He looked at her through the reflection in the viewport.

"Thank you Captain, but right now I think that I want to get some rest. It's been a long day for me already."

"Of course"

She left his quarters. As the door closed behind her, Kathryn let out a deep sigh. She knew exactly what had just happened. He closed himself off from her. Normally she was the one who kept the walls between them intact. But those walls had come down in the middle of the second year that they were stranded in the Delta Quadrant, and they had never but them up again…….until now.

Kathryn forced her feet to take her to the Bridge. It was going to be a long day.


"Congratulations again Tuvok, you have definitely deserved it."

Kathryn and Tuvok were in her quarters on the night that he had received his commendation. When they had just finished going over the reports submitted by B'Elanna and the Doctor about the Isomorph that they had encountered on their mission, Kathryn had invited him to dinner to continue their celebration. Of all her senior officers, she had known Tuvok the longest and they had been firm friends before they ended up in the Delta Quadrant, it was something that she had wanted to do.

The conversation was light and pleasant during dinner. They had just finished eating, and Kathryn held up a glass of replicated Merlot to her security chief.

"Thank you Captain."

"You did an excellent job in retrieving Commander Chakotay."

Tuvok looked pensive, as if he was debating the logic of what he was going to say next.

"He seemed to have undergone great emotional turmoil in the Vhori training camp."

"I'm worried Tuvok."

This was obvious to him as he watched the expression that had come over her face. He knew it to be a display of the emotion concern.

"He's closed himself off from me, and I can't reach him. I want to understand more of what happened with the Vhori. You said that you had to persuade him to recognize you in your Kradin uniform. Why? Vulcan's don't look anything like the Kradin and you weren't wearing a mask."

"Commander Chakotay had a weapon trained on me and was prepared to shoot me. Based on the Doctor's medical report that was included in the mission report, it may have been possible that the Commander mistook me for a Kradin soldier. I persuaded him by reminding him that he was a scientist and an explorer and not a killer. That argument seemed to have an affect on Commander Chakotay. However he still did not lower his weapon. He was," Tuvok hesitated trying to find the right name for the emotion that he had witnessed "enraged that I was wearing Kradin colors. It was only when I promised to verify my statements with proof did he lower his weapon."

He paused before continuing

"Looking back, it would have better if we were able to retrieving him sooner, however, I was extremely pleased that I was able to bring the Commander back safely to Voyager. If I had been unsuccessful, the loss to Voyager, to the crew and to myself would have been great."

Kathryn almost choked

"To yourself?"

"I must admit that at first, I found myself in the difficult position of questioning the wisdom of your appointment of the Commander as First Officer. However I have come to realize that it is better for the crew that he be in this position, even now. I have found that the Commander is indeed a competent first Officer and I have come to respect him as a good colleague to myself."

Tuvok paused again.

"You and the Commander have demonstrated effective leadership during this journey. I was pleased when you and the Commander developed a friendship which was outside of Command. He was able to be a good friend to you during the times that I could not be what you needed."

"I never knew that you thought so highly of him Tuvok." She was surprised. Even without emotions, he had realized what the crew would need, what she would need as an emotional being and had given his quiet approval and support.

He gave a swift nod of the head.

"It is curious Captain."

Kathryn was dreading what she knew was going to follow.

"What is?"

"Did you and the Commander have a disagreement over the course of action to be taken with the Borg and Species 8472?"

"Yes we did. He thought that we should have turned back and stayed out of harm's way. But I could see how we would be able to use the Borg's weakness to our advantage. In the end, we pulled away from each other. It was only when we were in fluidic space we could see what was going on between us and begin to work together to get the crew through the crisis."

Kathryn tried hard to answer his question without attaching any emotional weight on what she said, but the sadness came back to her as she spoke the words.

"Why do you ask?"

"By your actions and expressions when you came out of the ready room, I could see that something was different between the two of you. The commander was very quiet during the meeting, and from working with him, I had come to realize that he did not agree with your course of action. He was not going to voice his opinions until you were in private. If he had agreed, he would have voiced it in the meeting in front of all of us. It would have helped the senior officers' acceptance of your course of action. There was also the non-verbal communications between you and the Commander when you contacted us from the Borg cube and asked me to join you there. I must admit, I had to wait to see what the Commander would authorize my departure before I left. I didn't know if he would have rescinded your order. Finally, when you were in a coma and the Commander made his decision about breaking our alliance with the Borg, I understood how much he must have been in disagreement with your plan."

Kathryn looked at her friend almost sorrowfully.

"What did you think about what I was proposing?"

Tuvok had always thought it prudent not to lie or even dissemble.

"I must admit, Captain, I was skeptical at first. I could see the logic of your plan, however, I thought that a little more time may have been needed in order to perfect the plan and to ensure that the nanoprobes would work."

Kathryn looked down for a moment in order to mask what she was feeling. As she was sure they passed and her face was back to normal, she looked at Tuvok and said softly.

"During our journey through this quadrant, I have been seeing parts of myself that I do not like. There are actions and attitudes that I have taken that I never thought I would before. The conflict between the Borg and Species 8472 seemed to highlight a lot of these attitudes and actions."

"Do you question the decisions that you have made since you have entered this quadrant?"

"Some yes, some no. More often than not, I do not question my own decisions. Where there was a loss of life, I do for a while, if only to ensure that if any mistakes are made, it will be corrected so that no more of my crew would be lost in this quadrant. So far that hasn't happened. But I find myself in this instance questioning my methods and motivations more than the actual decision that was made. Questioning my logic in my thinking process and the consequences of my actions."

"Of what has happened in Borg space I find myself going over the same questions in my head. What did we leave there? When Seven was last in contact with the Collective, species 8472 was in retreat. Did they stay in retreat? Did the Borg recover the nanoprobes and was able to discover how to modify them to assimilate species 8472? Or did species 8472 assimilate the Collective? Which would be the bigger threat? What about the other species in the Delta Quadrant? What happens to them now?"

Kathryn's voice lowered.

"My own behavior I have to question also. I almost got us assimilated Tuvok. Everything that we have endured for the past three years would have been for nothing and I would have failed to get the crew home. All because I wouldn't listen to what Chakotay had to say. Oversight is one thing, but refusing to listen to a legitimate concern is quite another."

"Captain." Tuvok tried to lower his voice to what he had observed was an intimate tone. He did not appreciate what he was hearing. It was unlike the Captain Janeway to sound so disturbed over a decision that she had made. And he did not think that she was being fair to herself by pursuing such doubts.

Kathryn heard him and faced him.

"You have guided this crew through hostile aliens, dangerous anomalies, forbidden space and have ensured that we have been safe for three years in this uncharted region of space. We have only lost 10 crewmen in the process. Other ships in charted space have lost more crewmen than Voyager. You have also done it without the help of Starfleet. These facts indicate that you are indeed a capable captain."

He continued.

"I have never seen you exhibit remorse. I do not think that you should. Remorse is illogical, and as Seven would say "irrelevant". If there are some things which disturb you about the incident, then what is needed is for you to discern what they are and modify your attitudes and behavior so that future mistakes are avoided."

Kathryn thought of Chakotay.

"It is what is needed, isn't it?"