The air was cool as it blew across his face. Chakotay turned his face to the sun and let it bathe his cheeks appreciating the warmth, something he was not able to do when he was on the Vhori sphere. He had too busy fighting, to pay anything but a quick thought to the scenery around him. It was as he remembered it.

He had been looking through the list of Holodeck programs and found one of New Earth that Crewman Foster had made. He had made a holographic scan of the planet when they had first arrived and worked on it when some of the crew were on the planet gathering supplies. He had never used it by the date on the computer for the last activation of the program.

Chakotay was glad that he found it. If there was any place appropriate to think about the anger that he felt growing within him, it would be here. Here, where he had admitted to the Captain and to himself the real source of his peace.

It had started so innocently. He was fighting out of self-defense, keeping his mind on his mission; to get to communications and to contact Voyager so he could return. The Vhori were going to help him accomplish that, and he knew that if he was indeed in the middle of a battle zone, the Kradin would see him as an enemy.

He had tried to cut through their propaganda, to show them the true nature of their enemy. The Kradin were like them, a sentient race that lived and died in the same manner they did. He thought that he could have actually persuaded them to find a better way to settle their differences, other than waging war. But in the end, he was the one who was persuaded to fight their war.

Chakotay could feel himself growing angrier as he thought about all that he had experienced.

He wondered how they could have seen his blind spots. How could they have known how he would have reacted to seeing someone die in front of him? Or more importantly his reaction to seeing the desecration of their graves? He could have just decided to leave the Vhori to their war and worked on his own to try and find his way back to Voyager. Instead he turned his back on all that had become important to him. In three short days, he forgot about Voyager, her crew, their journey to the alpha quadrant and the promises he had made to their captain.

Not that those promises weren't broken two weeks before, he mused. It was supposed to be a light comment, but as the thought crossed his mind, he felt the darkness enter, making a home with the anger that seemed to be a constant companion to him now.

Wrestle your trembles to rages

And what a rage he must have been in! He had killed, and was ready to kill without thought, remorse or mercy. And the hate……he didn't even see Tuvok, all he could see was some Kradin beast because of it.

The anger had grown inside of him had grown so much that he could not sit still. Chakotay wanted to run, he wanted to hide. It was too soon, he did not want to face what was going on inside of him

"Crewman Gerron to Commander Chakotay"

"Yes Gerron what is it?"

"Henley just cancelled out on our game of hoverball and I wondered..."

"I'm on my way"

As he left the holodeck, a small voice reminded Chakotay that he could not run forever.


Chakotay was surprised by the darkness that surrounded him. Normally when he entered his visions it was always light. He looked around and saw a faint glow from a ceiling light. He was in sickbay. A lone figure was standing at the view port and he realized that this was going to be his guide in his vision. By the silhouette, he could see that the guide was female, shorter than he was and with long hair. He made his way towards her. She heard him coming and then turned to face him.

"Kes!"

"Hello Com...Chakotay" She looked no different than she did the day that she left the ship and he had seen her one piece blue jumper countless number of times. Looking at her, it was hard to believe that she had left the ship a month ago.

"I waited for you a long time and I didn't think that you would come, but Kolopec assured me that you would, eventually."

"Will father join us?"

"In time. Come it is time for us to go."

She walked towards the door and he fell into step with her. When the door opened, it revealed the corridor on deck five. However the moment he stepped through it he found that the surroundings had changed.

They were in a forest. It was daylight, and from the position of the sun and the temperature of the air, Chakotay guessed that it was mid morning. It was unnaturally quiet. Every forest supported some kind of wild life unless it was an artificial projection. Bees, birds, rodents and mammals all made noises as they went through their normal daily routine. This forest was devoid of life. Chakotay could see why. There were large crater holes in the ground and he recognized that they were made from weapons fire. The smell of burnt wood and vegetation assailed his nostrils, confirming his suspicions. They were indeed in the middle of a war zone.

A low moan came from the ground and when Chakotay looked down he saw that what at first glance seemed like a pile of debris, was actually a humanoid covered with dead vegetation and pieces of broken trees and rocks. He stooped down and turned the heap.

It was a Kradin soldier.

He recoiled. It was still difficult to see that visage and prevent his immediate reaction of hatred. It had taken a couple of days away from Vhori and Kradin territories before he could make his report about his experiences on their sphere, because he could not bring himself to be objective about what had happened. The hatred of the Kradin and the anger towards the Vhori for what they did to him prevented that. He found that in time, the hatred had lessened, but for some reason the anger had increased. It was not directed at either the Kradin or the Vhori, it was free flowing and ever present.

Chakotay took a couple of seconds to recover and then turned the Kradin soldier back on his stomach. He turned to Kes but her eyes were somewhere else, she was looking to a cluster of tress that was to the north of where she stood. He spoke

"Kes?"

"This way" She led the way and he followed. They made their way through a cluster of tress and when he moved the final set of branches out of his way, he was startled at the scene in front of him. There was a person, a man by his stature making his way through the clearing. He recognized what he was wearing. It was one of his outfits that he owned in the Marquis. The man turned and then Chakotay was able to make out who it was. It was him. At once Chakotay felt some kind of link being formed with him. When the Marquis turned, Chakotay could see that he was carrying Vhori arms and he recognized the look on his face. He knew what the Marquis soldier was feeling because he was feeling it also. Chakotay remained where he was as an observer, able to see the situation in which the Marquis soldier found himself and the way that he reacted.

By his feelings, Chakotay guessed that the Marquis soldier was being pursued. He heard weapons fire and saw the Marquis soldier duck to escape it. Turning towards the source of the fire, he saw men in black coming towards the Marquis soldier. He couldn't make out who they were until they came in to the clearing and then he recognized their race. Cardassians.

The Marquis soldier was making his way quickly through the forest. He knew his way around because Chakotay realized where he was. He was in the trunks near the Larhana settlement. Chakotay did not notice that he did not have to physically follow the Marquis soldier in order to keep him in his line of vision. The surroundings were always changing so that he could have the maximum view him. It also helped that Chakotay was feeling everything that the Marquis soldier was feeling.

At one point, realizing that he would not have the cover of the trees much longer, the Marquis soldier climbed the nearest one and waited. The Cardassians arrived at the foot of the tree and looked ahead of them and saw the beginning of the clearing. They realized that given the distance between them and the Marquis soldier, there was no way that he could have gotten that far ahead. The deduced his tactics correctly and looked up. The Marquis soldier was ready for them. He took the three Cardassians out one at a time, aiming for their heart. They were dead before they hit the ground. For some reason the rest of the squadron did not encircle the tree, they kept coming at him in a straight line. The Marquis soldier picked them off one by one until they were all dead.

Chakotay looked at the ten Cardassians lying at the foot of the tree and felt relief. It was over and he, the Marquis soldier, was safe. There would be no more fighting. He climbed down the tree and turned over the nearest Cardassian. It was Seska. A feeling of triumph filled him. He had gotten the best of her in the end, even though she had almost destroyed Voyager, almost destroyed him. He activated a Voyager combadge. This surprised Chakotay as he had not seen it on the Marquis soldier when he first looked at him.

"Chakotay to Kathryn"

"Kathryn here."

"I am ready to return."

"I will join you there immediately."

"Acknowledged, Chakotay out"

This conversation was puzzling. He never called the Captain Kathryn over the Com. lines and it made no sense to him that although he was ready to return to the ship, Kathryn was going to join him. The Marquis soldier sat and waited.

Chakotay heard a noise in the background and saw a figure coming to join the Marquis soldier.

"Kathryn!" he exclaimed.

"She can't hear you. She came here for the Marquis soldier." Kes answered him.

This looked like it was indeed her mission. However when she got within 5 feet of the soldier she stopped. The Marquis soldier heard it too, but he pretended, or was not aware of the Captain. Chakotay realized that it was because there was the sound of something else happening in the woods. Four young children came running towards the Marquis soldier.

"Chakotay help us, don't let them take us!"

He recognized the first child. It was Padya

The children ran pass the Marquis soldier. At that instant, Chakotay felt paralyzed. He could not move, he could not speak, all he could do was shift his head. He looked at Kes, but her eyes were on the Captain who was staring at the Marquis soldier in front of her. Concern lined her face. Chakotay understood why. The soldier was also paralyzed. He stood mute and watched the children pass him to run deeper into the woods. A figure appeared, it was a Kradin soldier, then another and another. They all passed the Marquis soldier and Kathryn as if they were not there, as they pursued the children. Chakotay had kept a silent count of the soldiers that passed him. The Kradin squadron numbered fifteen in all. The significance of the number was not lost on him.

Suddenly the feeling of paralysis passed and when Chakotay was able to speak.

"Padya!"

The response to his call was a childlike scream that chilled him to the bone. He could see by the expression on the Marquis soldier's face that it had chilled him too, but it also spurred him into action. He moved again through the trunks. Chakotay shifted his gaze on Kathryn. She stood still in time and she seemed to be watching the soldier as he and Kes were doing. When his eyes shifted back to the soldier, he did a double take. The soldier was not Marquis any longer. He was Vhori, wearing their colors. By this time, the Vhori soldier had reached the first child who was lying face down in the dirt. He turned her over fear gripping his heart. He felt the side of her neck and there was no pulse. She was dead. Chakotay felt the anger replace the peace that the Marquis soldier had felt when he was waiting for the captain to join him. He turned the child back to face the earth so that she could go the glorified way after. He heard another scream and quickly moved towards the source. His heart was pounding in his ears when he reached anther point and saw another body on the ground. It was another of the children. She too was dead. Chakotay felt the anger inside of him intensify as the scene replayed itself over for the rest of the children. However by the time he found Padya, he felt a sense of calm. The rage, which was inside of him, had consumed all of him so that it was part of his being, not something strange and uncomfortable to him. And that realization brought calm. Chakotay knew what he had to do.

He tracked them. He was good at that. Somehow all of the knowledge that he thought he forgotten when he was in the Marquis came back to him and it intensified the Starfleet training he had received. As Chakotay, Kes and the Captain watched, the Vhori soldier tracked the Kradin through the forest. It became dark, light and then dark again but all through it Chakotay tracked the killers. On the dawn of the third day, Chakotay found the killers asleep in their camp for the night. He watched their chests rise and fall steadily and readied his weapon. He said a silent prayer of thanksgiving for the moment and began to fire.

He killed seven before any of the soldiers realized what was happening. Then rest awoke and began to plead with him.

"Please no, don't shoot" One said.

"We're sorry, we didn't mean to, we were ordered to the point of death" Another cried out.

"Please I am only 15 years old and I have two sisters to feed, they'll starve without me."

The remaining soldiers were on their knees as they watched Chakotay come into their view and stand four feet away from them, begging and pleading for their lives.

Chakotay was perfectly calm and said in a low tone that sent a chill through his body.

"Motherless beasts."

He shot all of them one at a time in the midst of their screams and pleas for mercy. Then he lowered his weapon and waited. A Vhori woman came towards him. It was Riley. She spoke with the voice of the new Co-operative.

"Thank you for taking care of the Kradin for us. Your services are not required anymore." and with that she vanished from view.

It was then that his counterpart realized what had happened to him and how he had been tricked into doing what he did. He lowered the weapon and a look of disgust came over his face. Chakotay knew that it was self-loathing. He was feeling was disgust at the slaughter that he had just witnessed, the one that he had just performed.

Chakotay stood still as he felt the connection between himself and the soldier being broken. He was no longer feeling what his counterpart was experiencing. The anger and the rage that was inside of him from his connection to the soldier gave way to something unexpected, sadness and hurt. He looked at Kes and at the Captain. Their sadness for him was on their faces. Kathryn was crying. He bowed his head in shame.

His counterpart sunk to the ground, he seemed unable to stand anymore. Kathryn was the one who moved first. She went to him and tried to touch his shoulder, but she couldn't. It seemed that there was an invisible force-field in place, which prevented her hand from connecting with his body. She kept on trying. At one point, the soldier looked up and saw her. Chakotay realized that his counterpart had known that she had been watching him, but he hadn't acknowledged her. Now he was pushing her away. As he looked at her, she kept having to fall back, as if the force-field was expanding. In the end she could get no closer than three feet from him.

Kes' hand found his. He squeezed it gratefully. The last scene between him and Kathryn struck him deeply. It came to him all at once what was being shown to him. He felt lightheaded with the realization and used Kes' hand as something to ground him. He looked at his counterpart and Kathryn again. Kathryn was hurt, he could see it in her eyes. His counterpart had a blank look on his face. They looked at each other in a face off.

Footsteps were heard in the distance coming towards them. It was Kolopec.

The instant that Chakotay recognized his father, he tried to look at Kes, but he was not looking into her eyes, he found himself looking into Kathryn's eyes. He had become his counterpart. He felt the tiredness in his bones and the sadness in his heart. It felt familiar somehow. He watched his father advance.

"Hello Chakotay."

He knew why it felt familiar. He was glad that it was. Kolopec put his arm on Chakotay's shoulder.

"We've done this before father"

"It think you would agree that we need to do this again."

"I do"

Kes came up to him and put her arm on one of his.

"I can see why your spirit is in agony over this Chakotay."

"Com…..Chakotay, we are here for you in whatever way you need us to be because of what has happened to you."

Chakotay felt love from both his father and her. It gave him courage to say what he needed.

"I am ashamed of my actions, of my feelings. I can't believe that in three short days all that I had worked for, all the resolutions that I made would be undone. That I could hate so thoroughly." He added the last sentence in a low voice

"From what we saw, you weren't in control of your actions, it was not your fault" His father answered.

"That maybe so, but they were my actions and I am responsible for their consequences even though they may not have been my fault. I don't think that's what disturbs me the most is that there was some part of me that enjoyed it, that enjoys hurting, that enjoys killing"

"You are Commander Chakotay, you are a scientist, and explorer, you are not a killer." Tuvok stood in front of them in Kradin colors. Chakotay felt himself react again, but to a much lesser extent since he realized who it was standing before him.

"How can you say that Tuvok, I almost killed you."

Tuvok's voice spoke again and Chakotay found that he and Kolopec were inside of Tuvok's quarters watching Tuvok and Kes conversing.

"The Vulcan heart was forged out of barbarism and violence. We learned to control it, but it is still a part of us. To pretend that it does not exist is to create an opportunity for it to escape."

Tuvok understood.

They were back in the woods again. Tuvok had vanished. Kes and Kolopec still had their hands oh his arms. He felt the connection between he three of them. It was deep and powerful. Chakotay looked at Kes.

"I remember when you came to ask me about being in the Marquis after our encounter with Sisperia. I didn't know that you were worried about enjoying violence."

"I had never felt like that, I wanted to make sure that there wasn't something wrong with me so I asked you and I asked Tuvok about it afterwards. When he told me what you just heard, I realized that violence was part of everyone's being, even a Vulcan's. I began to forgive myself for hurting Tuvok and move on from the experience. However when it happened again when Tieron was in control of my body, it was a lot more difficult. I had killed….a Voyager crewman, people on Tieron's home world. It was true that I was under someone else's influence at that time, but it was still very hard to move on. I kept thinking that I should have fought harder, prevented that amount of people from dying. But the most sobering part of the experience was that some part of me enjoyed what Tieron did when he possessed my body."

"How did you move on?"

"I had a lot of help from my friends." With that she turned in Kathryn's direction and Kolopec did the same. Chakotay had forgotten that she had been there. When he looked at her, he realized that she still had a sad look on her face although she had stopped crying. He heard footsteps coming towards them and he recognized B'Elanna as she came into view. However she stood behind Kathryn.

"Anytime you need to talk Chakotay." With that she retreated.

Kathryn did not say anything, however when B'Elanna retreated, she looked Chakotay straight in the eye and held up her right hand with the palm open. Chakotay left his father and Kes and walked up to her and tried to touch her, but he found that he couldn't. With a sad face, Kathryn left them also.

"Why can't I touch her?" Chakotay asked in a low voice

"Because you are not there yet." Kolopec answered.

"In time you will be." Kes was joined by Kolopec as she walked towards him.

Both touched his arm and said to him.

"It is time for us to leave."

"Thank you both of you."

They smiled. Chakotay opened his eyes and found that he was in his quarters once more.