Chakotay sat in his lounger and faced the stars sipping a cup of tea and letting his thoughts run free.

There was so much in that vision, I don't even know where to start………Kes, I didn't expect to see you so soon. But I am glad that you came to me. I never would have thought that you knew violence so well. I knew what had happened to you and I knew that it would have had an impact on you, but I hadn't realized how deep it was. You definitely weren't the same after the Tieron incident, but somehow you always managed to keep an air of goodness around you even though the innocence was gone.

I need to be able to do that, to be able to always see where I can help, to give that help willingly but to be able to see beyond the surface, to see possible hidden motives, possible deceptions"

"The question is, do you trust yourself?"

The words that his father had told him a few days ago came to his mind.

No I don't. How can I? Let's see there were Paris and Tuvok at first, add to that Seska. I started our Delta Quadrant journey on a roll when it came to bad judgment. Then add to that Riley and the Vhori, I don't think I'll let myself trust another person, help another person, again.

"Helping people, that's part of who you are Chakotay."

He recalled the discussion that he and the captain had in sickbay after his encounter with the new co-operative

Easy for you to say Kathryn, your trust has never been mislaid has it?. No one has ever pulled one over you except for the Borg. And even then, it wasn't personal, it was more professional. A duplicity that was a result of part of their nature, nothing intended to hurt you personally.

And then I asked you to trust me, precisely because I was duped. But you couldn't and wouldn't hear me. I still don't know about Seven of Nine. I can see that fire in your eyes when you talk of her and of her progress. You believe that it can be done.

He gave a wry smile

I used to make a policy never to cross you when you got that look in your eye. But now the stakes are too high. If Seven wants us assimilated, she may end up in a position on this vessel that may do us a lot of harm. Do you a lot of harm.

He felt sadness sweep over his whole body.

"Kathryn……..the peace that the Marquis soldier felt that I felt while he was waiting for you to come was unlike anything that I have ever experienced. All the wars, out in the DMZ and within myself, were over. We had battles here, but they were easier as we were facing them together. I was no longer alone. But somehow, somewhere, the peace got lost, between the Borg, the Kradin and the Vhori. And now it seems like I'm fighting another war with myself and with you. I don't want to fight you anymore and I'm tired of fighting myself. I just want to move on.

"How did you move on?"

"I had a lot of help from my friends."

You have no idea how much it hurts that I could not touch you, that you could not touch me. You were my best friend. What has happened between us? We are like two strangers passing the night, giving each other a wide birth, and not daring to stop. I didn't think that it was possible, that the two of us could have torn our friendship asunder, but we have haven't we? And the thing is I don't know if we can mend it.

He was talking to her, embracing her in his thoughts as he expressed his sorrow and his disquiet. In the back of his mind he knew that he should be saying these things to her directly, but somehow he still wasn't where he needed, just as his father had told him. He wondered when he would be. The sadness Chakotay felt was all consuming. He got off the lounger and made his way to bed. It was very late.


When Chakotay opened his eyes and realized that again, nothing happened when he tried to contact his spirit guide, again, he threw the Akuna across the room in a sudden flare of anger

"Where the Hell are you? Aren't you supposed to be my guide, to know when you're needed. Why aren't you visiting me, I need to talk to you. Father, Kes I need you!"

It was only when he felt the sharp pain in the back of his hand, he realized that he had jumped up from the floor, where he had been sitting and was yelling and waving his arms around in anger. The back of his hand had made contact with the bulkhead in the front room of his quarters.

"Oww!"

It felt good to get angry. Lately it seemed that all he felt was sadness. It had been four days since he had the vision quest where he saw his father, Kes, Kathryn, Tuvok and B'Elanna, and he felt as if he were living in a vacuum. He had spoken to no one about his experiences. He couldn't speak to the Captain and since B'Elanna and Tom were now in the initial stages of being a couple, she was otherwise occupied. She didn't catch Chakotay's moods. She also could not see beyond the "First Officer" facade. Others had, Gerron, Henley and Robin. But he was not as close to them as he was to B'Elanna and Kathryn.

It didn't help that nothing had been happening in the Delta Quadrant since they left Vhori and Kradin space. Under normal circumstances, he would have welcomed the routine, but now it meant that he had a lot of time to spend with his thoughts, something that he really wished that he didn't. It seemed that a lot of things were just circling in his head going nowhere. They had no outlet, no expression, especially since he was not able to make contact with anyone on his subsequent vision quests.

His anger was spent quickly and the sadness returned.

"Janeway to Chakotay"

It deepened.

"Chakotay here."

"Commander, I was looking for the science labs status reports, I wanted to check something thing that Robin mentioned to me at dinner."

Commander.

"I have them here in my quarters Captain, do you want me to bring them to the Bridge in the morning?"

Captain.

"I'm just outside your quarters now, I'll take them."

The door chimed

"Come"

Chakotay had picked up the PADD from his table and was holding it in his hand waiting for her.

Kathryn entered. Chakotay appeared calm and had a look of indifference about him.

"Thank you Commander"

And with that she left.

Chakotay stared after the closed door for a long while.

"Three days ago, I didn't know your name and now I can't imagine one day without you"

Chakotay hadn't needed to say anything at that, he had felt the same way.

We have to now don't we? Because I don't know if we can the type of friends we were before and I don't know what I am going to do without that, he said softly to a closed door.

The End

Part 9: Coming into the Light

Ray 1: Heart to Heart