A/N: Hello! I'm back… finally! Anyway… this is a short piece I did focusing on the EA pilots. A lot of it is pure speculation on my part, and the idea hit me one extremely boring class in Math Excel. If the information I have is wrong, feel free to correct me. Flame me for all I care. I'm really somewhat proud of this, and just as a warning, this was done when I was feeling depressed. So if this seemed excessively depressing, now you know why! Happy reading! Sorry for not getting this up so quick!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this sadly. But happy reading anyway!
Our Emotions
"NO!" The blonde screamed, backing further on the cushiony pod, magenta eyes wild and filled to the brim with fear. She clutched the square piece of material to her chest, shaking her head wildly. Her short blonde hair flew about, at times the strands whipping at her face like knives. However… knives would feel less painful than forgetting that boy…
"Stellar-san, please, calm down," one of the scientists said desperately, taking a step forward, arms extended. He was the typical scientist; with the round glasses, a white lab coat, and the nervous aura create from being shunned by people. He seemed even more terrified than Stellar herself was eyes wide and face portraying utter panic.
The less patient scientist growled and reached out to forcefully grab Stellar by the arm, but the nimble blonde simply evaded him, looking at the two scientists wildly.
Auel Neider and Sting Oakley watched by, leaning on their elbows, expressions of concern written on their faces. Auel's emerald eyes held carefully shielded thoughts as he watched Stellar throw a fit.
What... What was so special about him? He wondered silently. They were experiments, to put it bluntly. Stellar, Sting, and him. They were ace pilots, yet they were always looked down upon. At times he wished for a better life for all three of them, without having to use the bloody pods after every battle, not to feel the pain of withdrawal… What a life that would be. Fighting with everything they had, only to die namelessly by the hands of the race they were trained to hate… Was that really how life would be for them? For Sting to be killed in the Chaos Gundam by one of the enemies, and have the remnants of his body float in space? Was that how Stellar's life would be like? To be forever afraid of death, and perish at the hands that Impulse Gundam in her Gaia, to the last moments of her young life, begging not to die?
Is that my life? Auel wondered. Was he supposed to die nameless, his death only marked by a simple plaque against a wall? Plaques would rust… he'd be forgotten!
He didn't wish to die that way. He wanted to die gallant, not desperately and pitifully! Was that why Stellar was so afraid of death? Did Sting think the same way?
Focusing on Stellar once more, he felt a tinge of pain and regret. She had been like a lost puppy, broken to the point where she was nearly insane. Stellar Loussier was like his little sister, and Auel wished he and Sting had never searched for her. He didn't see it, but that ZAFT soldier… he was something special to Stellar. He glanced away, sighing. Were druggies supposed to feel emotions like this?
"Go away!" Stellar cried desperately. "Go away! Go away!"
"Stellar-san!" the nervous scientist said, adjusting his tie nervously. "Please calm down. It won't hurt, I promise. It's just routine procedure for people in the program-"
"NO! Leave me alone! I don't need it!" Stellar cried out, shrinking herself into a ball. "You'll make me forget him!"
The scientists sighed, aggravated. She needed to get through the treatment. Or else she would be driven insane and worst of all, the Earth Alliance would be losing one of their ace pilots, and that could not happen!
"You will get this treatment, whether you like it or not, Stellar-san!" the impatient scientist snapped, scowling.
Stellar shook her head stubbornly. Forgetting him… forgetting him…forgetting him… Shinn Asuka's face flashed into her mind, when he'd promised her everything would be alright… She couldn't forget him, she wouldn't forget him. He made her feel safe the way even her own family couldn't. He showed compassion toward her, a lowly experiment, when those two men treated her like an object. Why did the scientists want to make her forget Shinn?
"Stellar," Sting chided gently. "It would be better in the end, pull yourself together."
Stellar glanced at him, magenta eyes filled with emotions. Emotions that shouldn't be there… "I don't want to. I promise I'll be good. Just please? Don't let me forget him," she pleaded desperation evident in her tone as tears trickled down. "Stellar will be good. Please?"
Sting glanced away, fist clenched. His amber eyes caught Auel's emerald ones briefly and he sighed. Failure wasn't tolerated in the Phantom Pain. And to assure no failure, emotions should be ignored and shouldn't exist. However, could he really help the thoughts that taunted his mind late at night, when all sounds of battle had diminished? The strong desire for a normal life… could he really help that? He ignored the thoughts as best as he could, but they never left. His emotions played him like a fool; he hid them, but they played him like a fiddle. Being attached to Auel and Stellar, worrying for them in the battlefield, his feelings always deterred him from his goal, focused on keeping the two safe.
Auel was like his little brother, and Stellar, his younger sister. It wasn't written in stone, but Sting was the leader, the older brother that looked out for them. If he didn't, who would? If his emotions didn't focus themselves on them, whose would? If he didn't care for them, who would? Neo? The scientists? Jibril? No one would. It was simple as that.
And now, Stellar suffered because of her emotions, just as Sting himself did. Inside he felt sick with worry for her, but he had to be strong. He had to stay aloof, or the three of them would never survive!
"What's going on?" Neo Lorrokonde's baritone voice inquired. The masked wonder sauntered into the lab, bewilderment clear in his voice as he approached the scientists. "Why aren't they undergoing the treatment yet?"
The nervous one stepped forward, seeming apologetic. "Well, you see, Neo-san, Stellar-san is, well…" he trailed off, wringing his hands.
If the three of them could have seen Neo's face, they imagined he'd have arched his eyebrow. "Oh? Do continue. What's Stellar doing?" he demanded.
"She's refusing to undergo the treatment," the impatient one said bluntly and irritatingly. "She's been rambling about the last half an hour, pleading not to erase her memory."
"Stellar, is that true?" Neo questioned, turning to Stellar.
The blonde nodded the affirmative, clutching the handkerchief tightly. "Neo, you won't make Stellar forget Shinn, would you?" she asked. Neo would take her side, right? Neo always took her side! He had even said she was his 'daughter'! So Neo wouldn't make her forget him, would he…?
Heaving a sigh, Neo walked toward Stellar, pondering what to say. Granted, he wished Stellar wouldn't have to receive maintenance, but that would result in insanity and utter pain. He had been warned not to get attached to them. But how could he not? How could anyone barricade their hearts so strongly against three youths who only longed for a better life? Only a fool would say he couldn't.
"Neo please?" Stellar looked up at him pleadingly. "Stellar will be good. Don't erase Shinn… please?"
Neo forced a reassuring smile on his face and stroked her hair. "Now, now, Stellar. In the end, it'll be better without your memories of him. You'll still have Auel, Sting and I, won't you?" he reasoned calmly.
Stellar looked uncertain, probably coming up with reasons why it'd be better off without her memories of the ZAFT pilot. "But…"
"Stellar," Neo began, patting her head. "Let's be reasonable, shall we? You trust me, don't you?"
Stellar nodded eagerly.
"Then trust me when I say it'd be easier on you, Stellar. I only want what's best for you," Neo said soothingly.
Stellar nodded slowly. "Yes…" she mumbled.
"Excellent. Then you'll do what Hidoki and Ryoku says like a good girl, right?"
Another nod.
Neo took his leave after a nod to the scientists. He didn't miss the glare Auel sent him. Who could? No matter how much he tried to convince that boy he sympathized with Stellar's situation, Auel would never believe him.
Neo observed the three behind the widow, arms crossed. Stellar had obeyed the scientists, although it was hard to miss her reluctance.
Now she was curled up in her pod, the blasted handkerchief still clutched in her hand.
Stellar shut her eyes as the glass shut itself, mind easing as the drug started to take its effect. Her mind fought to hold onto Shinn's image, tears glistening as she slowly found the image fading. Shinn…
A flash of him bandaging her foot entered her mind and as quickly as it came it faded away, her heart cracking as it did so.
When was that?
She remembered the feel of his arms as he promised everything would be OK, but in a split second, she forgot.
Was something wrong?
Shinn's blushing face entered her mind but took its leave so quickly.
Why was he blushing?
"…family's gone…"
Why do I feel sad?
"Did you want to die!"
What did I do?
The rush of images and flashes of memories suddenly halted and Stellar was left in the blackness before one sentence echoed around her.
"I'll protect you; I promise,"
She didn't know why, but her heart broke at those words. Her tears hit the cushiony surface as her mind asked the question, Forgetting you... would be worse then death... why?
A/N: So… what do you think? Crappy? Good? OK? I should never look at a keyboard again? Feedback is always appreciated! RnR pretty please! Oh, and, I'm not sure if this is allowed in but if it IS, I'm taking requests. Which means you send me information, and if I ever get to be on the computer long enough, I'll make a one-shot. If it's not, well then that idea shoots down the drain!
