Disclaimer: Do you really think that Harry Potter belongs to me? If so, I suggest that you take another look at the books. I could swear that yesterday the cover said 'J.K. Rowling' on it.
Plot: Mary Sue Malgramer, an American exchange student, has come to Hogwarts. Hermione is infuriated, even though Harry and Ron have been treated with anti-veela potion. So, if MSM is not stealing her friends' affection, why is Hermione so irked? Warning: MSM is taking upon herself the grammar mistakes of fandom.
Author's Request: Please do not take offense if I happen to mock bad grammar or phrasing that you use (or your nationality). I confess that I, too, do not have perfect grammar and have made several typos in my fanfiction, but I honestly try to proofread my works.
AN: Reposting this because I stupidly made two or three typos. Oh well!I'm human, too: )
Chapter 1: Introductions
Mary Sue Malgramer strolled confidently onto Hogwart's Express. Although she was starting her sixth year, she had been at seventeen other schools of magic during her first five years. However, she was used to the world admiring her and expected nothing less during her time at Hogwarts. Having heard of the blonde ferret, the legendary Harry Potter, and the handsome redhead, Ron Weasley, she hoped that this school would be the place where she could remain for the rest of her schooling. Unfortunately, she knew it would not be true. Such was the life of Mary Sue.
She flipped her short, honey blonde hair and winked at a cute guy as she passed him. He gave her a silly grin and whistled at her as she passed. "He's cute, but I need more of a man. The sooner I meet Harry Potter, the better," she muttered under her breath.
The next person that Mary met just so happened to be Luna Lovegood. She smiled condescendingly at the girl, who was buried in the latest copy of The Quibbler.
"Hello, my name's Mary Sue Malgramer. Know where Harry Potter's compartment is?"
"I'm Luna Lovegood," the girl replied with a dreamy expression on her face. "Who doesn't know Harry Potter's compartment is? You may find him in number 23 A." Mary Sue smiled at her, excited, and strutted off to find number 23 A.
As soon as Mary Sue had left, Luna Lovegood's eyes narrowed. "Oh, no," she murmured. "One of them has come to Hogwarts! I must save Harry and Ron, so that Hermione and Ginny will not be heartbroken!" Unknown to the four, she herself had started writing for the Quibbler and had a column in which she plotted ways to get the two couples together. Thankfully, she had seen them enter compartment number 44 C, and had known from age two how to recognize a half-veela Mary Sue. She immediately jumped up from her bench and ran to their compartment, panicked.
"Hermione, I really need to talk to you," she pleaded. "It's really important." Hermione, noting the frantic look in her eyes, decided that she might as well listen to her. After all, she had been helpful in getting the article about Voldemort's return in The Quibbler.
"What is it?" she asked. Luna searched for the correct words rapidly; Hermione did not believe in Mary Sues, but she did know that veelas existed.
"It's a half-veela! We need to save your friends. Do you know the correct charm?" she asked. Hermione nodded and looked at Ron and Harry in alarm.
"Ron, Harry, you both know that veelas can be dangerous. Do you mind if I put the protection spell on you?"
"Please do," Harry responded gratefully. "Luna, thanks for the warning." Luna blushed and lowered her gaze.
"You're welcome. You have only a little time; I gave her the wrong compartment number, but I'm sure she will have found it by now," she responded nervously.
"You're right. We have no time to lose," Hermione agreed. She pulled out her wand and flicked it at Ron.
"Patronum Velam Mariae," she said. Immediately Ron felt a sense of protection and strength that he had never felt before.
"Thanks, Hermione."
"You're welcome." She then did the same thing for Harry, who also gained a sense of security.
"You're my best mate, Hermione!" he said. "Hey, Ron, where's your sister?"
"Ginny? Er, she's busy breaking up with Dean. I overheard her telling Lavendar and Hermione about it." Harry smiled before gazing out the window. The train was about to start.
"She'll come here after she is done," Hermione assured him, and none too soon. For, only seconds later, a tall, willowy blonde had entered their compartment.
"Hi, I'm Mary Sue Malgramer," she said with a sad smile. "Is there any room?" She glanced around, surprised to see Luna.
"Oh, it's, like, you! I, like, didn't, like aspect to see you!" she gushed. "Oh, and you must be, like, Harry Potter! I, like, totally would like, recognize you anywhere! You have, like, such a hot scar that it, like, gives me the chills. I defiantly am like, so happy to finally meet you!"
"Huh?" he said disinterestedly. "Oh, hi."
"Why are you so defiant?" Hermione asked curiously. "Also, why on earth would something that is hot give you the chills? Are you sick?"
"I totally said defiantly! As in, like, these shoes that were like so defiantly on sale." She pushed her manicured left foot in open-toed stilettos out from under her robes, obviously expecting Ron and Harry to start drooling.
"Don't you mean 'definitely?'" Hermione asked, starting to be irritated by her low I.Q. and improper grammar.
"I defiantly do not!" she responded indignantly. Ginny waltzed in behind her just in time to hear her remark.
"Hi Hermione, Ron, Luna and Harry," she greeted them cheerfully. She glanced curiously at the newcomer, and noted with disappointed surprise that she was beautiful. In fact, she looked just as Ginny wished that she herself looked- minus the blank expression on her face, of course. "Who are you?" she asked. "Oh, and don't you mean 'definitely?'"
"I am, like, Mary Sue Malgramer." Ginny raised her eyebrows.
"I believe you are," she said amusedly. She had been friends with Hermione long enough to know that 'mal' meant 'bad,' and that this blonde could not speak correctly.
"What's that asposed to mean?" Mary Sue demanded. She stomped her foot, slipped purposefully, and managed to twist her ankle. After all, what was the use of wearing stiletto heels if not to become a damsel in distress? She gasped in pain and gripped her ankle.
"Ron, Harry! Please help me," she moaned. "I'm, like, totally in pain." She was worried; the aforementioned gentlemen were not falling for her veela charms. "I could, like, heal it myself, but I left my wand in my bag, and I hurt, like, so badly," she sobbed as she reached for Harry's hand. He pulled it away and grabbed his wand.
"Erm, Accio Mary Sue's wand!" he said. Immediately, a pink and purple wand, decorated with silver, flew into his hand. "Here you go."
"Oh, your like my hero!" she beamed at him.
"It sounds like you used the wrong word," Hermione commented. "Also, please clarify whether Harry is 'like' your hero in some way, or he actually is your hero." This half-veela's unintelligent babbling was driving her to the loony bin- and not Luna Lovegood's trunk. She marveled that she could find anything more irritating than the Quibbler's incorrect, preposterous stories. Of course, Mary Sue Malgramer glared at her.
"Why don't you heal your ankle?" Ginny asked sweetly. "Harry and Ron still have to change into their robes, you see, and you have been sprawled out on the floor for five minutes." Mary Sue's sad, violet eyes now smoldered in Ginny's direction.
"If looks could kill," Ginny muttered below her breath. "Well, what are you waiting for?"
"I, like, forgot the spell! I had to, like, use it yesterday for this, like, little girl on the street, but I, like, can't remember it for the life of me!" Hermione sighed. She was becoming more and more irritated each second, and figured that healing the half-veela exchange student would help them get rid of her.
"Sanesco Talum Negrum!" Mary Sue tried to smile when she found her ankle healed. She pulled up her robe to look at it and found an ugly red scar on her ankle.
"Oh, no, it scarred," she worried.
"Hey, could you fetch me a chocolate frog?" Ron asked, speaking up for the first time. "I'm exhausted." He, too, was irritated with the ditz. Fleur, the veela that his brother Bill had fallen for, was not bad as far as girls go, but he found this one annoying.
"Oh, sure!" she chirped. "Just give me some money." He tossed her his last galleon. She caught it deftly, smiled sadly, and strutted out of the compartment.
"A Mary Sue in Hogwarts," Luna murmured. "This does not bode well!"
"I defiantly think that we need to see what is going on here," Ginny agreed with a snicker before turning serious. "This exchange student does not belong in Hogwarts! Hopefully the other girls will be irritated as well, at least when their boyfriends are drooling over her. No offense, Ron and Harry," she added.
"That was your last galleon, wasn't it?" Harry accused Ron.
"Yeah."
"Thanks, mate," Harry told him. "I literally owe you one." He tossed Ron a chocolate frog. Hermione intercepted the catch.
"Look at you, worrying about galleons and food. We have to get out of here before she comes back!" She magically packed up their things. Then, they levitated their trunks and hurried to find another compartment. Ironically, they now found themselves in 23 A with Lavendar Brown, Seamus Finnigan, Dean Thomas, and Parvati Patil.
"Do you mind if we join you?" Hermione asked. "We're hiding from a crazy half-veela with horrible grammar." Dean looked extremely excited at that announcement.
"A half-veela?" he asked eagerly. "Where is she?" Hermione, Harry, and Ron were still blocking the door.
"Oh, great," Ginny muttered under her breath. While I don't actually care for him, it's sad that he doesn't really care either, she thought.
"Oh, come on, Dean. Do you really want to be drooling like an idiot?" Parvati asked crossly.
"Why shouldn't I? It's not like I have a girlfriend, since this ungrateful redhead broke up with me!" Ron, Harry, and Ginny immediately jumped forward.
"Watch what you say about my sister," Ron snarled. Hermione grabbed his shoulder in an attempt to restrain him.
"You stupid prat! I can protect myself," Ginny protested. "Males," she muttered, rolling her eyes.
"Yes, they are being annoying," Lavendar sighed.
"Hey," Seamus protested. Ginny glanced around and noticed Harry giving Dean a death glare.
"Harry. I. Am. Not. Your. Sister," she told him, scowling. "So leave the dork alone. I broke up with him, not vice versa." Harry scowled back but did as she said.
"I don't need your protection," Dean retorted glumly. Ginny walked over and slapped him.
"Fine, I won't bother next time," she told him. "So, Lavender, how was your summer?" she asked sweetly.
"Oh, wonderful! I got to go to the biggest mall in America, and there's a new dress shop in Diagon Alley. I'll have to take you there." She and Parvati then proceeded to recite all the beauty tips they had learned that week, insisting that they would tell them the rest later. Lovely, Ginny thought. That's just what I need. Of course, she was being sarcastic.
"Well, now that that's taken care of, is there room for us to stay here?" Hermione asked.
"Of course!" Lavendar said. "Thanks for the warning."
"Does Loony Lovegood have to stay here?" Dean complained.
"Shut up," Parvati scolded him. He grumbled to himself before glaring at Ginny, who ignored him.
"Is there any, er, protection?" Seamus asked nervously. "I barely avoided blackmail from Fleur's visit a few years ago, and--"
"Sure," Hermione responded briskly before putting the charm on him.
"Er, thanks, I think," he muttered.
"Well, I'm leaving," Dean announced, scurrying out the door in a huff. "I can't breathe with an insane redhead and little Loony Lovegood here." Luna, who was staring out the window with her normal, dreamy expression on her face, paid no attention to him.
"Good riddance," Ginny muttered.
"Hey, Harry, do you have any chocolate frogs?" Parvati asked. He nodded and tossed her one. "Thanks!" They heard stiletto heels coming down the hallway.
"Quick! Lock the door!" Lavendar hissed. Hermione proceeded to lock the door and put several anti-lock charms. Outside, they heard Mary Sue Malgramer talking to herself.
"Like, where are they! I, like, defiantly thought they were in, like, 44D. I am, like, so going to have to like, get a new pedicure! These shoes are, like, giving me blisters!" The fugitives muffled their giggling with a silencing charm. After all, there was no telling what the tragic Mary Sue would do.
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So, what do you think? I know the Mary Sue thing is overdone, but I needed an American because unfortunately many in my country cannot speak English properly, much less a foreign language. I do love the United States, though. See the American Revolution for details, especially information about George Washington. Oh, and the whole religious freedom thing is a big plus.
Well, I still can't believe I made so many typos... bad Auramistealia!
Click the pretty blue button! Please? – My thanks in advance!
Auramistealia
