Disclaimer: J.K. can have her due, and I can have mine. Capische:-)
This chapter is dedicated to TigerLily21. (Happy Birthday!)
Reviewers:
Silverphoenix2:
Gasp! " Your right!" as Mary Sue would say. MSM made a mistake
by speaking properly! Only a Malgramer…
TigerLily21: Happy
Birthday! I'm glad you liked I-mail. The main reason it
works via paper is because there is no way some of the professors
would deal with a computer. Imagine Severus Snape throwing a temper
at it. Although I decided Brenna and Remus could have their ham
equipment- modified to work by magic and not electricity, of course.
That's kind of different than cd players and stuff. Happy
Birthday!
roguehobbit: I think I'll join you in rubbing my hands together. Now the irritation grows:-)
Lizzy Weasley: Thanks a lot! I am, "like," very glad "your" enjoying it. ;-)
ZIPPIYGIRL: Thanks for understanding :-) And reading, of course as always.
The-badgrammer-girl: Hmm. Mary Sue is making your IQ drop? I'll have to add some big words in the next few chapters. I hoped that having Hermione there would balance things out. Thanks for the compliment on the plot idea.
By the way, the one mistake in grammar in this chapter is mine- I used except instead of accept or vice versa in a story I wrote two years ago- it was a typo! Oops.
Chapter Four
Further Aggravation
Luna stared into space, held her quill over her notebook and sighed. Her mission was failing thus far, and although she was an eternal optimist she had doubts about whether or not her plans would work. She had only two more years to get Harry and Ginny, and three for Ron and Hermione. Hogwarts had only been in session for a week, but so far Ron and Hermione had argued sixteen times, and in her opinion Ginny and Harry did not spend enough time together for a relationship to blossom. It did not help that they both were good at masquerading.
Her thoughts were interrupted when a paper airplane hit her head. She scowled, picked it up, and unfolded it. Her irritation only grew when she read it.
Loony,
Can I
copy ur notes? This class is, like, soo boring. Oh, how well do u
kno Harry? I think he, like, fancies me but he's to shy to say
nothing. How can I bring him out?
U so need a haircut, btw.
MSM
Luna folded the note and put it in her pocket, determined to burn it in between classes, and then turned back to her notebook, which she called her Scribbler for Quibbler since she planned all her articles in it. Two minutes later, Mary Sue sent another note.
Loon,
I'm w8ing. U r so rude! Look. It's not exceptable behavior too not reply too a note. Is my mascara smudged?
MSM
Luna pocketed this one as well, then tried to shut herself into her own little world, despite all the notes she received. However, when she glanced at her Scribbler for Quibbler notebook, she discovered that she had been writing and doodling. The words were not typical for her, either: they included everything from 'I hate Mary Sue' to a drawing of Mary Sue being tortured by dragons. In another sketch the nifflers were the offenders.
"Grr," she muttered. She put her notebook away, got the latest copy of the Quibbler out, and decided to conveniently drop the notes in Professor Snape's classroom. This would satisfy two purposes: torturing the potions master and quite possibly getting Mary Sue in trouble.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
When Severus Snape cleaned the dungeon at the end of the day, he was surprised and irritated to find over a dozen folded pieces of paper under a desk. He picked them up for inspection and discovered, to his surprise, that over half of them hadn't been opened.
"Dastardly kids," he grumbled. "I bet someone put these there just to torture me. Well, whoever wrote these notes will be washing out pans in the medical wing without magic!" With that, he unfolded the notes one by one and read them."
Loony Lovegood,
Why won't u except my notes and RESPOND! Your just jelous. Well, I guess Ill have too find help somewhere else. U r like, such an idiot.
Mary Sue Malgramer.
"I should have known," he growled, unfolding the notes one by one and barely resisting the urge to tear them up. He almost felt sorry for Potter- almost, but not quite. "Did she- how did she get into Hogwarts?" Sighing, he took those notes to his desk, locked them in a drawer, and started an I-mail to Dumbledore.
To: Albus all other teachers.
Bcc: Filch Mary Sue Malgramer
Albus,
First of
all, I can't believe I'm using this infernal system again to
contact you, but it's the easiest way to spread the information to
the whole faculty at the same time.
Malgramer, the
pseudo-Slytherin, passed several notes during class to Lovegood,
which presumably were not answered. Yes, I am aware that they do not
have potions together, but I found around a dozen notes under a desk.
I do not know how she got into my house, much less Hogwarts. Her
grammar is atrocious, and she seems to like a strange version of
shorthand. She does not even have basic training! I demand to see
her credentials. Albus, did you admit her as some kind of cruel
prank?
Evidently she has it in for not only Malfoy but Potter.
I won't comment more on that for fear of using too much parchment.
Anyone who wishes to see the notes may come by the dungeon during reasonable hours.
Albus, how does one keep the I-mail from piling up and covering one's desk?
-Severus Snape, Potions Master
………………………
To: all staff
Subject: I-mail
changes
As you know, i-mail can be sent at all times and without
owls, and therefore can pile up without notice one one's desk. As
several staff members have informed me, it is deucedly inconvenient
for this to happen during classes.
It is now possible
too keep the I-mail in a sort of air cache known as an inbox, and
these can be accessed at any time. However, you must use the spell
aperio inbox combined with a short password. The passwords
must be given to me, or they will not work. Changing a password is
impossible without my knowledge and consent. This is for security
purposes, and passwords will be kept completely confidential.
If an i-mail is received and not opened for two days
(forty-eight hours), it will appear on the professor's desk.
-Albus
Dumbledore
-------------------------------------
If life gives
you lemons, make lemon drops!
………………………
To: Sev
RE: Mary
Sue Malgramer
Sevvie,
Fudge is responsible for allowing her
into the exchange program with Hogwarts. I am currently working on a
law that will deny the Minister of Magic the right to send exchange
students to Hogwarts. Combined with the information piled up
regarding Fudge and Umbridge, this may be effective. However, I will
need help.
Harry Potter really is not his father. Even if he was a spoiled brat (which he is not), you need to let go of your anger. Perhaps lemon drops will help- I find them rather soothing. I pity him if Mary Sue Malgramer has her eyes on them, as well as Draco Malfoy.
I believe Hermione Granger may be plotting various ways to get rid of Ms. Malgramer.
Albus
………………………
Hermione scribbled madly on her parchment. She only had two more inches to write for her potions essay on stottering potion, and she wanted a few minutes to work on her latest scheme before she had to report for prefect duties. After adding another paragraph, she was finished, and just in time. As soon as she wrote the last word, someone was knocking on her door.
"Grr," she grumbled as she got up to answer it. "Oh, hi, Ginny," she greeted her friend and stepped aside. "Welcome to the sixth year dorm. Lavendar and Parvati are in the bathroom still, so we should be fine." Ginny smiled.
"I know. Lav is having trouble with her hair. She got a curling iron for her birthday, and it won't work at Hogwarts, so she tried a heating charm on it and frizzled her hair." Hermione laughed.
"I bet she's going crazy. So what brings you here?"
"Boredom, irritation with males, and news about the Malgramer."
"What about the Malgramer? I am making a list of possible allies and strategies to reveal her fraudulence and torture her into leaving Hogwarts."
"Sounds good to me,"
Ginny responded cheerfully. "Luna told me that Malgramer sent her
a ton of notes in History of Magic. She wasn't too pleased. I've
rarely seen her so agitated."
"Luna Lovegood?" Hermione
questioned.
"Yep," Ginny confirmed. "She didn't answer any of them- she dropped them in Snape's room during potions- but the Malgramer is very condescending towards Luna."
"Okay, so she's a possible ally," Hermione decided. She added Luna's name to the list. "Now we have Ron, Harry, Lavendar, Parvati, Lorelei, Professor McGonagall, Professor Snape, Seamus, Neville, Pansy Parkinson, and Luna as potential allies. Can you think of anyone else?"
"You mean you asked Pansy Parkinson for help!" Ginny gasped. "Do you really expect-"
"I haven't asked her yet, but Malfoy is entranced by the Malgramer and Parkinson was muttering 'I hate Mary Sue Malgramer' under her breath. Besides, as with Voldy, only house and faculty unity will defeat the Malgramer."
"Now you'll expect me to work with Cho Chang," Ginny grumbled.
"What do you have against Cho?" Hermione asked teasingly. "Would it be her ditziness or her treatment of one particular-?"
"All of the above and then some," Ginny replied.
"So, what about the male species has been bothering you?" she inquired. "Harry's blindness?" Silence was the only answer she needed.
"He's male and therefore oblivious," Hermione reminded her. "Your secret is safe with me."
"I know," Ginny
replied cheekily. "I have too much to blackmail you with. Cho
chose this afternoon to review a few things. I almost used a
bat-bogey hex on her. Now, what strategies do you have in mind for
the Malgramer?" Hermione smiled evilly; few would ever suspect
such a cold, calculated glance from her.
"Complete and utter
humiliation, plus a few months at a school specializing in grammar,"
Hermione replied. "Let me show you what I have so far."
……………………
To: Sevvie Malgramer
Severus,
I was
appalled by those notes, but her essays are the same way. Oh, she
doesn't use as many abbreviations, but she does not know the
difference between " its" and " it's" and throws in a few
big words in an attempt to look intelligent. There is only one
problem: they are used incorrectly. Can you believe that she said
transfiguration was an obsequious way to hide herself and
confessed to being an illegal cat animagus? I used a spell to check
her for that; she's not an animagus of any sort.
Madam Hooch
is impressed with her flying- she says she's almost as good as
Potter. However, she will only use one broom and will not let anyone
examine it. That is highly suspicious, don't you think? I think
we should have it checked for spells.
Ms. Granger is up to
something. I overheard a conversation where she mentioned unity of
houses, and she is scribbling in a notebook almost as much as Luna
Lovegood. Perhaps it is about Ms. Malgramer. I certainly hope so.
She asked for an appointment with me and said she was planning to
speak with you as well.
-Minerva McGonagall
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Mary Sue Malgramer turned the corner to find her prey sitting alone by a window. Perfect, she thought.
"Hi Harry," she said shyly, batting her eyes. He glanced up and gave her a guarded look.
"Yes?" he asked stiffly.
"You're thinking about Sirius, aren't you?" she asked. He shook his head.
"Actually, no. Leave me alone," he added brusquely. She started crying.
"It's days like this that I remember-" her voice faltered.
"Remember what?" he asked quietly. He was running out of patience and trying to keep from lashing out in violence, but Mary Sue did not realize that.
"I- the times my father beat me," she replied, warming up to her subject. "My mother died right after I was born, and he hates me. I ran away. I wasn't going to live with a jerk who gave me scars," she babbled. "My mom taught me self-defense." Harry was annoyed, but remembered something Hermione had said and decided to quote her.
"Do you know how
obsequious you are?"
"Yes," she sighed, beaming. "I've
always been brave, despite-" Harry started laughing mockingly,
bitterly.
"You don't know sorrow," he told her. "You don't even know what obsequious means. Don't bother leaving," he added. "I am." With that, he got up and left. He was in no mood to deal with her, and she had taken over his brooding spot.
What am I doing wrong here? Mary Sue asked herself. This seems to work everywhere else. At least Malfoy sees my charms. Now where is the boy? Oh, Draky…
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Several days later, Minerva McGonagall was once again busy grading papers. This time, the topic was flying pigs. After hearing a muggle-born student say the phrase, "When Pigs Fly," her fifth years wouldn't stop talking about that until she gave them the assignment to theorize how to make a pig fly. Some of the papers were incredibly ridiculous; Ginny Weasley's and Lorelei Adams's papers showed promise, however. It probably helps that they know Hermione Granger, she mused. Still, they are pretty good students. Ugh. It seems like all I do is grade papers.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a crash.
"Oops," Hermione said weakly. "The door was open. I knocked, but when you did not answer, I decided to enter."
"I have a tripping charm there to protect me from surprise attacks," Minerva replied offhandedly. "What do you wish to discuss with me?" Hermione smiled and opened her notebook.
"Well, as you know, Mary Sue Malgramer is corrupting the grammar at school. She is irritating many of the students in all four houses, and I suspect that she vexes you as well. I have been plotting various ways to humiliate her and ultimately send her back to whatever school she came from, and would like to know if we could count on you for assistance."
"By 'we', do you mean you and your friends?"
"Among others, yes. I am even considering asking several Slytherins such as Professor Snape and Pansy Parkinson for assistance." Minerva raised her eyebrows; she suspected that Hermione would ask for Severus Snape's help but not Pansy Parkinson, and she doubted Ms. Parkinson would oblige.
"Pansy Parkinson?" she questioned. "What makes you think Pansy would help?"
"She was cursing Mary Sue's existence as Malfoy is currently taken with her, and I would find a less irritating pureblood among them- say, Blaise Zabini- to communicate with her," Hermione explained.
"You have a point," Professor McGonagall mused. "Shall we bring the headmaster into this?"
"Sure, why not? Good idea, professor."
"I'd like to hear your plans."
"Well, they're a bit sketchy thus far, but it all sums up to complete and utter humiliation along with some sort of disciplinary action that expels her." Professor McGonagall stared at her in true shock.
"I had no idea you
had quite this much… emotion in you."
"Yes, well,
improper grammar usage and idiotic behavior are annoying, and it is
a good opportunity to have the houses practice cooperation, don't
you think?" Hermione responded with a question.
"That I do," Minerva McGonall replied. "By the way, Severus is usually most cheerful in the early evening after classes have been over for an hour. That's usually when I contact him when is needed. Now, I have papers to grade, so if you would please excuse yourself, I will see you tomorrow in class."
"Of course, professor. Thank you and goodbye," Hermione replied, pivoted, and walked out of the room.
"Never in my life…" Minerva McGonagall murmured to herself as she took her quill in hand over the next essay.
Well I hope you enjoyed & that I have time to update this- it is storming. Please r&r with questions, comments, and word misusage suggestions! Pobody's nerfect!
(Happy Birthday
Tigerlily21!)
-Auramistealia
P.S. It's my birthday tomorrow!
