Fragile

Chapter 1: How can you bleed without blood?

Rory's POV

It's hard to breathe. I can't move anymore. How can I go back there? I barely get along as it is. Dean told me everything would be okay. That's not true. My life has been hell.

It's hard to distinguish my nightmares from reality, anymore. Even my mother's witty repartee can't help me. I feel like I'm already dead inside. I feel as if I died with him. My Jess. My wonderful Jess. No matter how gentle and caring Dean is I can't take him, I keep yearning for Jess. When Dean and I kiss it's all wrong. His lips aren't warm and soft and inviting. He's too tall. It's all wrong.

The few nights I dream peacefully, are filled with images of Jess. Fragments of memories, scents that drift in the air, and his voice drifting over my eardrums like music.

When I wake up he's gone. It smells musty and the only sound is the sound of my heart beating. Why does my heart beat? Why does it beat when his doesn't? Why does it beat when I don't want it to?

Today I woke from a dream like that. I was angry. I fell like there is no god. What god would allow me to suffer like this? Let me dream of him so vividly, and wake up to the unfamiliarity of Dean's unwelcoming body?

I read a passage from Hemmingway's A Farewell to Arms. I hate it and hate him.

They say there are stages of denial. I went through them all at once and I still am. But not acceptance. Shouldn't I have accepted by now that he's gone? I could never accept that. How is it that his mother and his uncle grieve less than I do?

He was a part of me, and how can you live with a part of you missing? People can't breathe without lungs, can't live without hearts, and can't be without brains.

Last year when it happened, I felt the same way. I figured, you can't bleed without blood so why not get rid of it? Bleed one last time. Bleed until you won't bleed anymore, until you won't feel anymore, until you're free. But Dean saved me. At least he thought he did. But really he tortured me. He made me endure this pain, this guilt that swept over me. He made me live when I didn't want to anymore. Maybe this time I'll get my way. Once we get to stars Hollow. Once we get to my sweet love's grave.