A/N: I'm posting just the first half of Part 5 because it's so long. I'll post the second half later in the week.
Part 5: In the aftermath of secrets...
Three Weeks Earlier
He spotted her on the other end of the aisle. Her hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail. She was holding up two different child's curtain patterns to a blond boy in her shopping cart. He debated heading out of the aisle before she noticed him. But he didn't know when he would next have an opportunity to see her ever again. He took a bracing deep breath and started down the aisle.
He could hear her playful voice as he neared. She was mock scolding the child. "You've gotta make a decision. I thought your room would be the easiest one to decorate in my new apartment," she told him.
The boy stared at her and then giggled.
"Maybe we should give up and go for ice cream," she said, seriously. "What do you think?"
The baby nodded equally as seriously. Then, he kicked his legs and shifted in the cart.
"Yeah, I'm sick of shopping too." Sydney turned her cart quickly into the aisle. She set aside the patterns and looked up just as he neared her. "Dixon!" Her voice was a mix of shock and surprise. Her brown eyes quickly searched his face uncertainly.
He stared right back at her. "Hello, Sydney," he said, calmly.
"Hi," she returned, softly. She blinked, obviously unsure what else to say.
Dixon sighed. He hadn't seen her in over three years. It only made sense that he made her uncomfortable. "Your father told me you were back."
"You've spoken to him?" Sydney asked. Jack obviously hadn't mentioned it to her.
He nodded, trying to make his expression more pleasant. "We attended the same CIA briefing a couple months ago. He didn't bring you up. I asked." Jack hadn't been willing to give him any details beyond telling him of Sydney's return.
"Oh." Sydney nodded. "I asked him about you too, when I first got back. He told me you'd come to the CIA and gotten a desk job." She managed a small smile. "I hadn't expected you to ever be comfortable in a desk job."
"It makes Diane and the kids more comfortable," Dixon replied. "They're my top priority."
Sydney nodded. "Of course." She stared at her cart, unable to look him in the eye for very long. The boy shifted in the cart again, annoyed to be sitting still.
"Your father also told me about--" Dixon directed a nod in the child's direction.
Sydney gave him a nervous smile.
"I'm happy for you, Sydney." Dixon finally managed a smile of his own. "I know it may seem hard to believe after the way we left things. But I never wished for you to be unhappy. I just needed some time." The awkwardness of this exchange was starting to get to him. Maybe he should have just escaped into another aisle. He maneuvered his cart to leave.
Sydney hesitated a moment, then inquired, "Can we...go some place and talk?"
Dixon turned back to her with a questioning look.
Sydney sighed. "I just...I do hate the way we left things. If you don't want to, I'll understand."
He hated it too. "I'll meet you in the parking lot?" he offered.
Sydney agreed. They parted, made their ways separately through check-out and loading up their cars. He pulled his car up beside hers as she fastened the child into a car seat.
"Where to?" he questioned.
Sydney closed the back of the SUV. "There's an ice cream place just around the corner."
"I know it," he replied.
They were both there in fifteen minutes. There was an uncomfortable silence, save the baby babbling excitedly, as they got ice cream. They sat down at one of the outdoor tables. The baby did his best with his own cup of ice cream and a spoon.
Sydney finally took a deep breath and looked at him. "I'm buying an apartment. I've been staying with my father since I got back, but I'm not sure how comfortable he is having a toddler running around his house. And I just think it's time I got into my own place again."
He nodded. "You've already picked it out?"
"Yeah, I move in in two weeks." She ruffled the child's hair. "So, how are the kids?"
"They're doing well," Dixon replied.
Sydney nodded. "And Diane--"
He could see her ready to dance around the safe topics and couldn't stand it. "Sydney, I know we haven't seen each other since...since the takedown of SD-6, but we don't have to limit this conversation to small talk. I wouldn't have agreed to come here, if I didn't want to talk to you."
Sydney looked down. "I thought you never wanted to talk to me ever again." She glanced at his face briefly. "And I understood that. I told you the truth about SD-6. I...shattered your world."
Dixon sighed. "At first, I was so angry with you. I trusted you with everything and I found out you'd been lying to me for over a year."
Sydney's eyes widened. "I was protecting you. From having to make the choice of whether to go into hiding or becoming a double agent. From putting your family at risk. From putting yourself at risk. And once you knew what SD-6 was...then you were going to feel exactly as I felt when I first found out. And I couldn't wish that on any one. Especially you."
Dixon sighed. "After the death of your handler, after you disappeared and I sorted things out with Diane, after I accepted a job with the CIA, that's when I finally realized exactly what you were trying to do for me. What you went through practically alone.... I joined the search to find you." He lowered his eyes. "But, it'd been almost a year, and the trail was cold."
"Leaving wasn't something I planned. I didn't want to hurt anyone." Her chin quivered. "But I know, that I did." Sydney stared down at the baby. "And then, I couldn't just come back. I don't know how many times I must have thought about it. The first year I even came back to L.A. to visit Vaughn's grave. But I didn't have the truth yet. And I couldn't...I couldn't risk coming back and losing anyone else."
"I almost lost Diane when I told her the truth. She took the kids and went to her sister's. She never signed on to be the wife of a government agent. But we got through it, and she supported me when I joined the CIA. But before then, I was so close to losing everything, I couldn't see straight. I know I said things that hurt you, Sydney, and for that, I am truly sorry." He swallowed the lump forming in his throat.
Sydney's eyes glistened. "I missed you," she whispered. She glanced down at her untouched, melting, vanilla ice cream.
"I missed you too," he responded. He felt his own eyes threatening to water. "If you ever need anything, even just someone to talk to, I'm here."
She smiled at him. "Thank you."
One Week Earlier
"Come on in, Weiss." Jack stepped back from the door and gestured for the younger agent to follow him into the living room.
Weiss held up a folder. "So, this is everything the CIA has been able to turn up about the Syndicate. I'm afraid it really isn't very much. It'd really help if Sydney could just give us a few more details about them--"
Jack shot him a look.
"Even though I know that's not going to happen." Weiss sighed and looked around the living room. His eyes settled on the baby swing. "How is she?"
Jack took the folder from Weiss and glanced at the swing. "Some days she appears to be doing better. Some days, she eats. Some nights, she sleeps."
Weiss nodded. "The doctor said her behavior could be kind of erratic for awhile, Jack. She's gotta adjust to having a normal life again." He picked up a stuffed animal off the couch and added, "A normal life with a baby."
"You make it sound like there's no such thing."
Weiss glanced up to the doorway. Sydney stood there, the baby toddled into the room ahead of her. She was holding a purse and the boy had his jacket on. She was managing a small grin. Weiss grinned at her and then at the baby.
Jack stared at her seriously. "Where are you going?"
Sydney's smile lessened. "I've been back over a month, and I've yet to be able to make a trip to the cemetery. Today, I want to go there."
"Are you sure that's wise?" Jack questioned. "That you're ready?"
Sydney nodded. "Yes, I'm sure."
Jack glanced from her to the baby. "I'll come with you," he decided.
Sydney frowned. "Dad." She shook her head. "You really don't have to. I've lived here most of my life. I've been to that cemetery more than a dozen times. It may be the first time in awhile, but I don't need you to hold my hand."
"You being completely alone right now, in the open, is out of the question," Jack responded.
"I won't be alone," Sydney answered. She picked up the baby. She could see him about to protest again. "Eric will be with me."
Weiss perked up and looked at her. She gave him a small, pleading look. "Of course," he agreed.
She looked to her father for his approval.
Jack looked at the two of them and gave a small, stoic nod.
Weiss headed for the door.
"We won't be more than a couple of hours," Sydney promised her father. She immediately followed Weiss out the door before Jack had the chance to change his mind.
As they climbed into Weiss's car, Sydney turned to him and gave him a gracious smile. "Thank you, Eric. You don't really have to take me if you don't want to. Ever since I got back, my father feels the need to come with me everywhere. I think he even worries about leaving me in the house alone. I don't know if he thinks someone will come and get me, or if I'll just disappear."
"I'm happy to do it, Syd," Weiss answered. "Whatever you need."
Sydney smiled.
It was a fairly quiet drive, except for the sounds of the baby babbling.
"You want me to come, or maybe stay here and watch the baby?" he questioned, as he pulled into a parking space at the cemetery.
Sydney glanced towards the backseat. "He's coming with me," she said, in tone that left no room for debate. She undid her seatbelt and got out of the car.
Weiss did the same.
"I know this wasn't exactly what you had in mind for this afternoon. I can find another way back home," Sydney told him. She went about getting the boy from his car seat.
Weiss stared at her. "Syd, I wanna stay." He shifted uncomfortably as Sydney gathered the boy up in her arms and stepped away from the car. "It's been a long time since I've been here." He shut the car doors.
Sydney put the child down and held his hand as they started across the grass. Weiss followed.
"How long?" Sydney asked softly.
Weiss glanced down at his shoes and then looked at her. "Day of the funeral."
Sydney hesitated. "If it makes you uncomfortable--" She let the child's hand go momentarily and he ambled off in the direction of the nearest headstone.
"No, it's not that." He sighed and looked her in the eye. "For me, there was just never a reason. Nothing here reminds me of him. I go by his old apartment sometimes. Or I go through the stuff of his that I have."
Sydney stared at him a moment. She didn't say anything, just suddenly stared past him and briskly walked over and lifted the boy off a headstone that he had climbed on as if it were a pony. She knelt down in front of the child and scolded him mildly. Then, took his hand and walked briskly in the direction of Vaughn's plot.
Weiss brought up the rear behind them. He watched as Sydney knelt in front of the grave, tending it neatly. She knelt down and spoke to the boy beside her the entire time. He could hear speaking softly telling the child about Vaughn. She described him, both physically and his personality. Weiss couldn't help but smile over that. "And I come when I want a quiet place to think about him," she explained. It was then that she stopped speaking.
The baby reached out and touched her face, watching her intently. Sydney just hugged the child close.
Weiss frowned momentarily and stepped closer. "Syd?" She glanced at him and he saw her face was wet with tears. She looked away again. "I didn't finish earlier. Sometimes, it easier for me to remember him when I'm with you. I have a lot of good memories of you guys together, or just times he would talk about you. And when I saw the two of you, kissing in the ruins of the SD-6...I knew it was something you'd both been wanting to do for a long time. You probably don't remember me being there, cause you completely ignored me."
Sydney let out a soft laugh. "I'm sorry."
"It's all right," he responded. "I know you were celebrating the one thing you'd both wanted since the day you walked into the CIA. I was there then too. You probably don't remember that either, but I gave you a pen."
"That I remember." Sydney sighed and looked at the gravestone again. "SD-6 being destroyed--It was one of the last things he ever got to see." She rose, holding the baby on her hip. "I couldn't even sleep that night. I was afraid when I woke up that it wouldn't be real. That the takedown never happened. But I never thought that the next day, he'd just be gone. That I'd never see him again."
Weiss stepped closer. "No one knew, Syd. It's not your fault."
New tears formed in her eyes and ran down her cheeks. She stepped away from him and put the baby down. "You don't know what you're talking about."
The boy scampered uncertainly into Weiss's arms and he lifted him up. "I know you didn't pull the trigger. I know you didn't want him dead. It's not your fault, Sydney."
She didn't acknowledge him. "He died alone," she whispered, almost to herself. He watched her start to tremble.
"Syd?" He reached out to grab her arm. His fingers barely brushed her forearm and she shoved his hand away.
She stumbled backwards. "No!"
He stepped towards her. "Sydney? It's okay. You're okay."
Sydney shook her head at him and sunk into a spot on the grass. He didn't move any closer to her. He knelt down a few feet away. The child in his arms began to squirm. "Mama!" She flinched.
He released the child slowly and the boy ran to her and grabbed onto her. She didn't respond at first but after a moment she brought one hand up and hugged him to her. She blinked several times before looking at him. A small sad smile forming on her face. "Mama," he said again, burrowing himself into her arms. She hugged him and stood up.
Weiss watched in wonder at the child's ability to comfort her. He approached the two of them carefully. "Come on, I think it's time to go."
Sydney hesitated then nodded. They walked side by side back to the car and climbed inside. Weiss stuck his key in the ignition, but didn't start the car. He glanced at her. She looked at him and then out the window.
"I thought it would make me feel better, to go there." She stared at the dashboard then slowly lifted her eyes to look at him. "To do the things I think I would be doing if I'd just gotten back from a three year vacation."
Weiss nodded. "We'll try again next weekend."
Sydney seemed mildly comforted by the thought. She gave him a quick smile and looked out the window again.
"You know, no one expects you to be fine. If you want to be, not-fine for awhile, we'll get that."
"I need to get on with my life. If not for me, for him." She nodded towards the child in the backseat. "I know I had a rough first few weeks back, but I don't want to be treated differently because of it." Her voice took on a dry tone. "Which is exactly what my father seems to think he has to do. And why I'm going to move."
Weiss had been about to start the car, but he sat back in his seat again. "Move?"
Sydney grinned at him, a look that was a cross between sheepish and mysterious. "I made up an excuse to run an errand the other day and went and took a look at an apartment. I liked it. I've decided to buy it. I haven't...mentioned it to my father yet."
"Oh he's going to love that. How do you plan to tell him? Call him after you move in and invite him over?"
She flashed a playful smile. "Exactly."
Weiss finally started the car and looked at the clock. "So, we still have at least another hour before your father expects us back. Wanna grab some lunch?"
Sydney nodded. "Sure."
Two Weeks Earlier
Jack knew he should be keeping his eyes on the road, but out of the corner of his eye he kept watching Sydney. Her hands were in her lap. Her fingers curled. She kept her eyes down, and she hunched slightly. Her eyes closed halfway as if the sunlight sedated her.
In his rearview mirror, Jack could see the child sleeping in a car seat in the middle rear of the car. He'd told Sydney it would be better to have someone watch the boy rather bring him along. She'd given him a look of near horror. Like he'd asked to sever an arm or a leg. There hadn't even been a conversation about it. She'd simply gone and gotten the child ready.
Jack parked the car in his driveway. He'd nearly called and cancelled the meeting that morning entirely. A month just wasn't enough time. Sydney moved slowly and carefully from the car. She opened up the back and unsnapped the baby seat.
"Let me help," Jack offered, opening the opposite car door.
Sydney responded by pulling the baby seat to her quickly. She shot her father a distrustful look. "I've got him," she said, softly. She balanced the handle of the carrier on her arm and headed for the front door of Jack's house.
Jack had noted Sydney shifting uncomfortably as she was directed where to sit, what microphone to speak into. She glanced at the men she didn't recognize and he took the liberty of giving introductions. He wished it didn't have to be so formal, but she needed to detail her actions for the past two and half years. He was forced to leave the room after that, watching from a monitor in his office. She'd been extremely stiff. She rarely made direct eye contact. He'd had kept the baby in his office with him, since he was asleep. Sydney hadn't seemed to like that either but she knew the child couldn't remain for the session.
Jack unlocked the door and held it open. Sydney carried the baby inside.
Sydney carried the baby off to her bedroom without another word to him. He sunk into a seat on the couch. He'd been hoping that she'd truly reveal something to the CIA. Instead, she'd been almost as vague as ever. They were eager to talk with her again soon.
Sydney emerged from the bedroom. She crossed her arms, hugging herself. "He's asleep," she said, even though Jack hadn't even asked. She gave him a serious look. "And I'm not going back there again."
Jack frowned. "Sydney, you agreed--"
"I agreed to give the CIA information about a possible new threat!" Sydney interjected. "That has nothing to do with the majority of the time I was gone. I gave them a statement, and I went to answer questions about that statement. Nothing else."
Jack stood up. "You refused to answer any of their questions. The Syndicate is a powerful group, but you wouldn't reveal their purposes. You said they ran tests on you, you wouldn't say what kind. You said they were killers, but you didn't explain. You said you escaped from one their compounds, but not how. You revealed the city location, but not the address of the compound. And you wouldn't even go into why you left, where you've been, how you discovered this new threat, what happened to you, or why you came back now."
Sydney narrowed her eyes at her father. "I went to them as a courtesy. But I don't work for the CIA anymore. I don't owe them any answers."
"I don't suppose you feel that you owe me any answers either," Jack stated, calmly.
Sydney blinked, and looked down. She sunk into the chair opposite the couch. "I just feel like, the less you know, the safer you are." She clasped her hands together tightly.
Jack moved to stand just beside the chair. "It doesn't keep me from worrying about you."
Sydney looked up at him. "Dad, please. I know you have lots of questions. I've tried to answer what I can. I wish I was able to tell you more. But there are things, things I don't remember. And things, I just can't think about right now. "
"Sydney--"
"If it were just me, I'd tell you everything. But it's not just me, Dad."
"If you feel that you are in that much danger, then you need to seriously consider going into a protection program."
Sydney stiffened. "I already spent several months of my life hidden from the world. I can't go through that again."
He walked away, because despite the pain looked on her face, he still had his questions. If she was in danger, if there was any kind of risk, then he needed to know everything possible about it. Even if it meant asking questions, she found it difficult to answer. He went into the kitchen and got a drink of water.
When he returned to the living room, he found Sydney was still in the chair. Her eyes were closed and she was breathing in a steady rhythm. The morning had apparently exhausted her completely. He didn't disturb her. He took a seat on the couch, just watching her sleep. He'd forgotten what her face completely peaceful looked like.
One Week Earlier
There were footsteps in the hallway... the door unlatched... the room filled with light... The guards looked around the room. Their eyes finally settled on her sitting on the cot.
"Come on," one ordered.
She hesitated, but turned to lay the baby on the cot. His arms clung around her neck tightly and his face contorted when she pulled him away.
"No, bring him too," he ordered.
She looked up at the guard with wide eyes. "There is no reason--"
"We don't have time for this," the guard grumbled, coming towards them. "Put him down."
She let out a relieved sigh and lowered the baby onto the cot. He curled up face down. The guard turned and snapped restraints onto her. He pushed her towards the doorway. Then, immediately turned and lifted the baby.
"No!" Sydney protested, ready to spring into action despite her restraints and her ankle.
The guard turned the boy around, holding him around the waist with one hand and his other hand on the child's neck. "You want to see him killed right here in front of you?!"
"Sydney! Sydney!"
Jack brushed his hand against her damp, flushed face. She recoiled, and he pulled his hand away.
"Sydney, wake up."
She inhaled sharply and her eyes opened wide. She looked around the room, directly at him once, and then away. She flattened herself against the headboard, and it rattled as she quaked against it.
Jack frowned. She didn't seem certain about where she was. Then again, the room was only illuminated slightly by the crescent moon visible out the window. Jack turned on the lamp beside her bed.
The tiny click brought her gaze back to him. She was hyperventilating, ragged breaths shuddered in and out of her. He wanted to take her into his arms and tell her she was safe, but he didn't dare touch her.
She pulled her knees to her chest. Her brown eyes bored into him, pleading silently. For what, he wasn't certain.
"You're all right," he said, gently. Even though, she obviously wasn't. He was losing count of the number of times he'd found her this way since her return.
She rested her head on her knees, tensing in an attempt to stop shaking. She seemed successful for almost a minute, before she began to quake again, harder. Her eyes closed as if she was going to give up fighting it until it passed.
Jack watched helplessly as she fought the nightmare that still managed to have such control over her, even though she was awake. Sometimes he fought the urge to try and imagine what she'd been through. What she was reliving. But as soon as an image came to his mind of what it could be, an image of her alone, in pain. He couldn't bear it longer than a second.
She sat up straight again, letting out a pained cry. She shakily climbed out of the bed, leaning against it for support as she scrambled across the room to the crib at the foot of the bed. He'd checked the baby even before he'd woke her. The child was asleep. She gulped down two deep breaths, and unsteadily pulled the blanket around the child.
Then, she backed away from the crib. "If I was making enough noise to bring you," she whispered, hoarsely, "I'm surprised...I didn't...wake him." Her breathes interrupted her words. She turned away from the crib and looked at him. She stood frozen in a place a moment. She blinked obviously fighting the urge to cry. "You barely get any sleep at all with me here." She sunk back down onto her bed uncomfortably. She almost missed it.
"What were you dreaming?" he asked, softly.
She brushed her damp hair out of her face and shuddered slightly. "I don't remember." Her eyes stayed focused on her shaky hands. As if she thought if she stared at them hard enough, they would stop shaking.
He stood, watching her. "Do you remember if it's the same thing you've been dreaming the past two weeks?"
Sydney looked up at him, guiltily. She turned her head to the side and looked down. Out of the corner of her eye, she glanced at him.
"There's nothing you can tell me about these dreams?" he questioned. His voice was losing its calm.
She swallowed, as her eyes darted about the room, searching for anything to focus on but him. "When I was...there...I used to dream about being back. I'd dream about you." She shook her head. "Now, that I'm back, all I can dream about is being there. If I can sleep at all."
He watched her carefully. "Sydney, I think you should consider seeing a doctor."
Sydney's head shot up at him and she stared him directly in the eye. "No."
"Not just about these nightmares, which seem to be getting worse--"
"They're not worse!" she interjected.
"They are worse, Sydney," he countered. "You won't tell me anything about them, perhaps because you don't want to hurt me. But if you could talk to someone else about what you experienced, what you keep reliving."
Sydney stood up, still a little unsteady. "I can't do that."
"You need to," he responded.
Her hands formed into small fists and she folded her arms across her chest, shaking her head. Her eyes focused on something beyond the bedroom. "I try to think about how to tell you. About how to explain. About what." Her voice lost volume with each word. "I try..." She inhaled sharply. Her fists tightened. Had her nails been a little longer they would have dug into her palms. She took several backwards steps. Then, her eyes closed.
"Sydney?"
Her eyes opened slowly, but they were blank.
He stepped closer to her as she began to sway ever so slightly. He feared she was about to collapse. "Sydney, are you all right?"
She didn't move. She didn't look at him. But tears rolled out of her eyes.
He took one of her hands slowly. So stiff and cold. He blinked regretting starting this conversation. "Sydney!" he called, thinking it was the only way to reach her. She was so faraway. "You're going to be all right."
She blinked her eyes and stumbled backwards a step. "I can't," she whimpered. "I'm sorry."
He watched her a moment, then pulled her close to him and wrapped his arms around her. "It's okay." He guided her carefully and they sat down on her bed.
She hugged him back carefully and began to cry into his shoulder. "I love you, Dad," she whispered.
"I love you, too," he returned, softly. He didn't know how long he held her, but when he let her go, she laid back down. He got up and turned the light off for her. He left the room, and closed the door all but a crack. But he waited just outside her room until he heard the rhythmic breathing of sleep, before he finally headed back to his own bed.
___
Reviews welcome and very appreciated!
Review Replies:
Thanks Landi104 and Liv. :)
Sarsy: Thanks for the review. I'm sorry I'm so late updating, I was trying to do it once a week. And you're right, the point when Syd first arrives home appears in the 2nd half of Part 5.
Grace: Thanks for the review. The story continues backwards from beginning to end for a period of about 2 years. I have considered the story going forwards at some point near the end, but the more I think about it, the more I think that'd be a whole new fic.
Thanks again for all the reviews. :)
