Author's note: Thanks to smile1 and CaliforniaDreamer for reading my story and reviewing. I would really like for people to review if they read. I need feedback. Also, I made sure that anonymous reviews are accepted. (Thanks for the tip smile1!) Anyways, if it's a question of people just not reading, then I'm sad. Pretty much the whole story is Rory's point of view, so I won't put it down. I may have other points of view later on, but I'll let you know.

Fragile

Chapter 3: My Shadow

It's so easy. I thought it would be difficult. I thought that for someone to do something like this to themselves, they must be a little messed up, and doing it would be so hard. It wasn't it. I actually felt relief. It hurt. Sure, it hurt. I felt a little dizzy after awhile, but I didn't care. It was this kind of apathy that made it so easy. I finally understood.

It was the day I found out. The day my mother told me the news.

Flashback

The telephone rang.

"Hello?"

"Rory, honey? It's your mother." The woman sniffled.

"Oh, hi mom." The girl replied. "Wait. What's wrong, mom? Have you been crying?"

"Ya…" the woman paused. "I have to tell you something."

"Oh, no. It's dad, isn't it?" The girl asked worrily.

"No, your dad's fine." She replied shakily.

"Not Luke?" She asked.

"Honey, there was an accident." The woman began. "A truck collided with a car. The driver of the truck was drinking. He ran the car of the road and into a ditch. The car was pretty destroyed."

"Enough about the car! Who was in it?" The girl cried out.

"Oh Rory…" The woman answered. "Jess. It was Jess."

The other line was silent.

"Honey?"

"He's dead, isn't he?"

"Oh…"

"Tell me he's alive, mommy!" The girl wailed.

"I can't sweetheart. I can't."

The woman heard a clunk as the girl dropped the phone and fell against the wall sliding on the floor. She curled up, and started to cry. Small tears first, but it became louder. She got up and started to kick the wall.

"Noooooooo" The girl cried.

On the phone, a woman was crying as well.

The doorbell rang.

"Jess?" The girl questioned hopelessly, and opened the door.

A man was standing there, but not Jess.

"Rory, oh my god, what's wrong?" He questioned as she started to hit him.

"You're not him!" She cried.

"Rory!" He yelled as he tried to pull her away. He started at the hole in the wall where the girl had been kicking. She stopped hitting and she looked up at him desperately.

"Jess died, Dean." She gulped out. "He's dead." She resumed her position sitting against the wall.

End of Flashback

That was a day I'd prefer to forget. Though I never can. Every time, I sleep I dream of it. Every time, I wake up I'm reminded of it. Every time Dean kisses me, I see it. I told Dean to go home after a couple hours. I said I needed to sleep and that I'd be just fine. I lied. If he'd really known me, he would have known.

I grabbed a knife from the sink, and went into the bathroom. I sat in the tub and ran the water over me. I shut the tap off.

I looked at my reflection in the knife. Who was I anymore? It was my fault he died. I drove him away. He had looked into those eyes of mine and told me he loved me for the millionth time, but I had argued with him about what? Some girl he was talking to. God, I wasn't the jealous type. I mean I wasn't Dean. Not that Dean was as jealous as that. I mean, he was right to be jealous. I fell in love with Jess, the first time I saw him, I had just convinced myself it wasn't true.

I felt the knife slice through my skin. It stung as the water dripped into it. I cut the other arm open. The blood dripped down my arms and into the tub. I lay my head against the wall and closed my eyes.

How can you decide to kill yourself so quickly? I don't know. I would say it was the heat of the moment. That my emotions took me over. That the grief took me over. But that wouldn't be true because I still wanted to kill myself after that. Months after that.

Hell, I even want to kill myself now. But it's the people who claim they love me, who want me to live. They want me to stay here, married to Dean.

No one talks to me about books anymore. No one talks to me about music anymore. My mother mentions music now and then, but not in the same analytic in-depth way Jess and I did. The feeling I had when Jess kissed me, or touched me. It's gone forever, because no matter how hard Dean tries, he'll never be Jess.

Jess smelled like a mixture of smoke, and citrus. I don't know where the citrus came from. Maybe it was the soap he used, or his shampoo, or gel. Nonetheless, that's what he smelled like. And I miss smelling that when I wake up in the morning. I guess that's why I started eating so many oranges. Sometimes I deliberately go near a crowd of smokers on there break just so my clothes will smell like smoke and citrus.

Oh, believe me, I know I'm crazy. I don't need a shrink to tell me that. He doesn't have to explain to me why I watch "Almost Famous" in an excessive amount or why "Guns of Brixton" has become my favourite song. Or even why I can't eat ice cream without a cone. It's obvious. It should be obvious to everyone else too. Unfortunately, Dean's oblivious and my mother lives too far away to notice anything.

When they found me, I was barely conscious. My mother's face was blurry and Dean's figure was scary and dark to me. I heard faint voices. It was my mother crying out, and screaming for dean to call 911. By the time an ambulance came I was in the hospital. They kept me for a long time. Apparently, anyone who tries to commit suicide has to be watched for awhile so they don't do it again. Eventually I was released into my mother's care. She took care of me for about two months. Until Dean asked me to marry him. I thought he was an asshole at the time. But I hated everything then. I know realize he was only trying to help. He really did love me. God knows I couldn't love him. Jess hung over me like a shadow. Like a memory from a past life, because this was my life now. Playing house with a man I didn't love.

"Ok, let's go." Luke said. We were in the diner still.

"Ok" Lorelei agreed. "Are you ready?"

"Um one second" I said. "I need to use the washroom."

"Oh ok." Luke said. "Uh, Dean, Lorelei, you go ahead. I'll wait for Rory while she uses the bathroom upstairs.

"I'll be a second" I said as I walked up the stairs. I opened the door and went straight towards the storage closet. There it was, a box buried under clothes. Jess. It said in messy letters. I opened the box. There it was. The stuffed swan. Gunther.

I pulled him out and carried him downstairs.

You named my swan?