Disclaimer: You know what? Even though this is the first time I put a disclaimer you can pretty much guess I don't own Gilmore girls, because if I did, I wouldn't have had Rory and Dean sleep together. Oh and I also don't own the poem "Something to have wept" by G.K. Chesterton. There is an excerpt in this chapter. And SURPRISE! SURPRISE! I also don't own "Wonderwall" by Oasis.
Author's note: This is a shorter chapter. I seem to be suffering from a bit of writer's block and this is all I could squeeze out. I do have a plan though!
Fragile
Chapter 4: Stairway
I wonder what his last thoughts were. Were they about me? When he was sitting there in his car going down the highway and that truck was about to hit him, did he hate me? Did he regret ever knowing me? Did he regret telling me he loved me?
It's cold outside, and I wonder if he's cold down there. I realize he's not actually down there. It's just a body, but sometimes I think silly things. It reminds me of the day he came back to Stars Hollow to get his car. He had been sleeping in it, and I thought he was gonna freeze to death.
I clutch the swan tightly as the priest says something about how it's been a year since he left us. They ask me if I want to say something. I nod.
"Lo blessed are our ears for they have heard, Yea, blessed are our eyes for they have seen, let the thunder break on human beast and bird, and lightning. It is something to have been." I paused and knelt in front of the gravestone. "Boy, that G.K. Chesterton guy really knows what he's talking about." I say and place Gunther in front of it. "He can't hurt you now, I guess." A tear slips down my cheek. "Give me a minute, will you?" I ask the others.
"Of course." Lorelei says. They walk away.
"I love you, Jess." I whisper. Tears stream down my cheeks. "Soon, I'll be there with you." I get up and wipe the dirt of my knees.
I decided I was gonna do it tonight. I was going to finish it for once and for all. No one would stop me. They thought I was over it by now, but that wasn't true.
We walked back to the diner. The sunlight streaming through the windows. Everyone e who knew Jess was there. They looked on me with pity. I didn't like that. They might as well have laughed at me.
That was when I smelled it. The mixture of smoke and citrus. It flew by me.
It lingered in the air a bit, but shot threw the room. People sniffed and I know they smelled it. I closed my eyes and took it in. Jess. I thought I'd never smell that again.
I didn't care if it was just in my mind, because it calmed me.
My mom came to sit with me.
"How are you doing?" She asked.
"Good." I lied."
"Ok, would you like anything to eat?" Lorelai asked.
"No, thanks." I said. My mother sighed and walked away. I got up from my sitting place and started to leave.
"Mom?" I questioned. "I'll be back at the house ok?"
"Ok." She said sadly. "I'll tell Dean."
I trudged through the snow. I wrapped my coat tighter around me, and willed myself to go there. To the bridge. I walked through the patch of woods. There it was. Silent. Still. There was ice covering the water and ice had frozen over the bridge which made it a real health hazard. But she still carefully walked to the middle of the bridge, at down and hung her feet over the water. I thought about how nobody actually liked him. They were sorry he died, but they could never forgive him for hurting me. What they didn't know, was that I had hurt him more. As I sat there I could hear the distant remnants of a song. A song I had heard once. It reminded me of the way I felt.
Today is gonna be
the day
that they're gonna throw it back to you
by now you
should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe
that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
And all the roads we
have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us
there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to
say to you
I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna
be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back
to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to
do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you
now
Its funny how music can describe exactly how you feel. How the feel and sound of a song can reflect your mood. Nobody understood why I felt so guilty. Nobody ever would. I lifted myself to my feet and headed towards my childhood home. Yep today was the day. The day I would escape.
