I'm feeling hurt...slightly confused...but mostly pained. Is this story THAT bad?

Chapter Four...

Obviously Felix didn't believe me about the whole fever thing; he's still avoiding me. And I'm kind of avoiding everyone else.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. Lilly would just be weird cos she's my sister; My parents would psychoanalyse mel and all my friends would freak out on me like Felix did, even if I didn't try to kiss them. Let's face it, guys don't really respond very well when they find out their friends liek that sort of thing. Not that I do!

But...well, maybe I do. I just don't know. I'm so confused.

And I can't talk to Thermopolis about it, because she's so involved in Josh right now, it's all she ever talks about. I bet the pages of her journal are just filled with I Heart Josh's and so forth. Does she ever use that thing for anything substantial?

Wait a second...why don't I do the same thing? No, not write I Heart Josh all over my Algebra notes, but talk about my problems with an inanimate object. That way it can't freak out, and it can't talk back. Sure, it can't give me advice, but maybe it can let me sort through all the thoughts running through my head.

I pulled the old toy chest out from under my bed and started rummaging around. I'm sure my parents once gave me a journal to write about my feelings and shit. I never used it because I couldn't be bothered, but now I can be.

Ah, there it is. And it's covered in Star Wars stickers from that convention I went to when I was fourteen. I had no where else for the stickers!

I opened it up and stared at the blank pages. Where to begin...I don't know.

So I just started writing. It didn't make a whole lot of sense most of the time, it was aimless babble about guys and girls, and what I think of them. Then I wrote about what happened with Felix and how he freaked out on me.

After a solid hour of writing, I felt so much better. No wonder Thermopolis does this all the time; it's more therapeutic than a day at mom's day spa, getting a seaweed wrap. Not that I've ever done that, of couse. But Mom's told me about all the things they offer. Some of them don't sound so bad...

But none of them could compare to getting all that off my chest in the journal. It's like, a weight has been lifted right off my shoulders. I still don't know what's going on with me, why I have a nagging urge to try on stiletos to see just how girls can walk in them, but at least now I've talked about it.

I just hope no one read what I wrote. Not only would they think I was a total nut case, but they'd iknow/i too! And I can't have anyone knowing before I even know. It's bad enough that Felix knows!

Later that night Mia was over with Lilly, watching a movie, Rebel Without A Cause. Felix may have strong lips and adorable cheek dimples, but he comes nowhere near James Dean.

Did I just say that?

I mean...James Dean is just the epitome of all that is...wait. I'm so not going there.

James Dean is just an actor. Nothing more, nothing special.

He's certainly no Sarah Michelle Gellar! Now there is a fine actress! No one can hold a candle to her!

Except James has got those piercing eyes, and a brow to die for. He HAD to have plucked in his day. I wonder if I'll ever get mine as perfect as that?

I was looking at the screen contemplating this when I noticed Thermopolis looking at me strangely. I quickly made my exit. The last thing I need is Mia knowing my business when she's still attached to Josh's hip.

Because Josh knowing anything about me would just be tragic.

I should have known Mia wouldn't give up that easily. Her catching me looking at James Dean is surely not the first time she's noticed something weird in my behavior recently.

She knocked on my door while I was on the What Would Uncle Jesse Do? site.

I was only there for a laugh, it certainly wasn't becuase I heard there were new photos up or anything. I need a bit of cheering up right now.

"Hey, Thermopolis," I said, smiling a litte. There's no point in telling her to bugger off, that'd only increase her interest in what's bugging me lately. And besides, I like her company.

"Hey, Michael," she said, stepping into the room a little further. "Whatcha doin'?"

I hadn't managed to close the screen in time, so I shrugged and pointed to the computer screen. "I can't sleep, so I was on this 'What Would Uncle Jesse Do?' website. It's hysterical. Wanna see it?"

She nodded and came and sat next to me on the computer chair. I put my arm around her to keep her in place.

We looked at the site for a while, laughing at all the fake photos and 'facts' about him. But eventually she fell asleep on my shoulder.

Being ever the gentleman, I picked her up and carried her over to my bed. It's too late to take her into Lilly's room. Then I crawled in next to her and fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up and Mia had snuggled up into my arms. I felt kind of weird to know that usually any guy would be quite pleased to wake up with his arms around a gorgeous girl, but I felt nothing. She was just Mia.

I hopped out of bed and went to make breakfast. I need to think and Fruity Pebbles always clears my mind. Teamed with journal writing they'd make an unbeatable pair. No guy would even be confused again.

Except I still am. What's up with that?

Maybe I need to write in the journal again.

I wandered into my room to find that someone else had already beaten me toObi Wan(is it wrong to have already named my journal?)

"Mia?" I said loudly, my voice slightly catching in my throat. What had she seen?

She slammed the journal shut and stuck it haphazardly back on the nightstand, looking up at me with wide eyes.

"Were you just--? Did you see--" I can't talk. I can't form any kind of sentence! "Oh, God," I settled for muttering under my breath. "Jesus Christ on a cross."

"Michael, what's the matter?" she asked carefully, as if she had no idea that reading people's journals was an INVASION OF PRIVACY! I mean hell, I've kept a diary for a day and she's already reading it. Have I ever tried to read hers?

I swallowed, hard. "What did you read in there?"

"Something about Felix and lepers?"

"What the hell are you doing looking through my private things?" I cried.

"I didn't mean to!" she yelled back. "And you shouldn't just leave something like that on a nightstand. I hide mine under my mattress at night." She clapped her hands over her mouth as if she'd just exposed a national security secret. I couldn't help but laugh a little.

"I'm not going to raid your room looking for your precious diary, if that's what you think," I said with a slight smile. "I have respect for other people's property."

"Then why did you destroy Lilly's Talking Family dollhouse by submerging it in the bathtub?"

"I was only trying to clean it!" I exclaimed, picking a pillow up from the ground and tossing it at her.

She caught it neatly and bit her lip, something she always does when she's genuinly sorry about something. "I really wasn't trying to pry, Michael. So don't be all pissed at me."

I shook my head at her. "I'm not pissed. In fact, Lilly headed off with Boris and a video camera to wreak havoc (though I have a feeling Boris will cause much more trouble than she originally intended). Do you want to go get lunch somewhere?"

"It's lunchtime already?"

"Yeah, sleepy-head. Don't worry, I know how comfortable my bed is."

She threw the pillow at me as though I'd implied something I hadn't. Oh, if she only knew. "So where did you sleep? The couch?"

"Nope," I said, walking to the door. "I slept in here with you."

Not that it meant anything, though. Especially since she's with Josh anyway.