God, what a relief!

Just to actually tell someone everything that's been gnawing at me for weeks is such a huge weight off my soul. Thermopolis is definitely not the sort to jerk about. She's the type of girl you could take shopping with you and she wouldn't embarrass you by her fashion-omniscience, but she dresses cutely and could totally find a nice top for you. She's the kind that'll watch My Best Friend's Wedding over and over again and not bitch about it like some fathers I might mention.

In other words, she's my new best friend. Not that Felix is so godawful (in fact, the problem is that he…isn't), but I get the feeling we need to chill apart for a while before things are fly between us again.

You know I'm cheerful when I start busting out the boss '90s lingo. Screw it, I've seen Clueless 54 times.

Still, Mia's definitely useful to have around. Not because I'm planning to use her again—no, sir. I want her friendship.

At this point, I'm open to any sort of friendship at all. I was surfing chatrooms last night, but even in the stupid AMERICAN IDOL chat they just kept going on about webcams and "nude pix."

So not my terrain.

Also, people were none too receptive to me sadly singing 'A Moment Like This' (in capital letters, of course).

I guess I was wrong to think there's someone out there remotely akin to me—even out there on the freaking worldwide web.

So Mia is just fine. I'm not settling! She's perfectly awesome. A little peppy, yeah. But don't I need that spunk right about now?

I also need a friend. Badly.

One thing I won't let myself hope for is…well…I guess I can talk about it just once—but that's IT! After this I'm completely erasing this whole concept from my already heavily-censored memory…

I want a boyfriend. GOD, do I want one!

Someone who won't totally flip out on me because I want to kiss him every now and then; someone who thinks I'm sexy! ME! With the eyebrows!

But alas, this is damn near impossible. The one guy I can picture myself in would rather see himself with someone a bit more developed in the chest area.

No slight against Thermopolis intended.

So I figure the only thing I can do right now is take solace in the fact that not everyone hates me this way. No matter what everyone else says when this eventually comes out into the open—when I eventually come out—I'll still be able to hang with Thermopolis.

Hell, she's handled Lilly as a best friend for fourteen years. She can definitely take one very pathetic, very alone, newly homosexual teenage boy.

Right?

It was definitely nerve-wracking to see Thermopolis again after The Confession. But I tried to keep as cool as possible while sliding into the seat beside her in G&T.

"Hey," I said, employing a smooth tone to the best of my ability.

"Hey," she breathed, avoiding my eyes.

Don't ditch me, you wonderful, sweet, slightly Amazonian with a dash of schizophrenic, teenage princess…

"Do you want help with your Algebra?" I offered, the sweetest smile imaginable decorating my features.

She accepted, albeit reluctantly, and we got down to it.

But I was even worse than Thermopolis usually is, stumbling over theorems and screwing up simple addition. Once I was sure no one else was listening, I made a stab at conversation. Bending my head low over the notebook, I stammered, "I-I know things are a little weird right now, but I wanna thank you for not making them too weird. And to thank you for not running off and freaking out like some people."

Except Thermopolis had seemed to sincerely enjoy any kisses I gave her. And me…not so much. So maybe the situations aren't so similar.

To my surprise, her face eased into a small smile. "Yeah, well, you know me," she giggled. "I don't freak out that easily."

I chuckled in relief. Jokes! Jokes are excellent! I've got some superb knock-knocks to offer up once we really get the ball rolling on this amigos jag.

In a fit of ecstasy, I squeezed Mia's slightly bony knee under the table. "You're so great," I gushed. "You know…" Now seemed about the time to tell her what she obviously wanted to hear. I mean, it was still the truth…just stuff I had gotten over already. "I really wish I felt something for you. If I weren't…you know, you'd be the first girl I'd wanna take out."

See? Complete fact. I honestly wish I could have happiness with Thermopolis instead of eternal loneliness with my poster of Enrique.

"Thanks, Michael," she whispered, glancing warily over her shoulder at Lilly. "That means a lot."

Good. I do make a good friend. Especially when I don't have the urge to pin said friend against friend's Mario sheets and do certain things that friend has absolutely zero interest in doing.

Now that I think about it, that wasn't one of my better ideas. And I've had some pretty choice ones.

Michael's Brilliant Plans

(that he is only compiling in a last-ditch attempt to boost his self-esteem, which is waning rapidly)

1) Disposable puppies

Not throw them away, of course! But I like puppies, and I like old dogs. So can't I just drop them off at an extraordinarily daycare in-between? It's a wonder my parents didn't pick up on this long ago. But then again, they possess none of my genius.

2) The sun is trying desperately to communicate with us

So you know how we've got the light spectrum? Well, on the left side we have radio waves. Ya know, light we aren't able to see, but we hear it? Which, obviously, means that the light we CAN see must retain some quality of sound that's just not picked up by our eardrums. Therefore, Mr. Golden Sun has been screaming shit for ages and we're just like, "Let's get tan, broseph."

Hence, sunburns.

3) Transmogrifier

Okay, so I stole this one from Calvin and Hobbes. But I should've written that whole series anyway, so I'm thinking plagiarism doesn't apply here. That said, I think I'd make a brilliant Rachel on Friends.